Please help settle a disagreement: is this my fault?? (kinda long, of course...!)

[Judegirl]

Quite suddenly, at 10 weeks old, dd became cranky and tired every hour and a half, and difficult to console in the evenings. Until now, she would be up all day long, or occasionally drift off when she was tired, then sleep at about 11pm or midnight, with narry a fussy sound.

Then I decided to try to get her to nap more regularly, and started putting her to sleep (using the swing) after about an hour and a half of being awake. I did this for THREE days. She'd sleep about 20 minutes or so, then wake up, and have a catnap again about an hour - two hours later.

After three days, she just couldn't stay awake more than two hours without getting very grumpy. Now we have to get her to nap before that point hits, and the evening is rough because of the timings of her naps. She's cranky from 7pm on.

I know this all sounds very normal...but because she was NOT like this at all during her first 10 weeks, dh thinks I caused the dependency on the frequent naps and basically got her all messed up. (He hasn't said this, but I know he thinks it, and wants his always sunny-dispositioned daughter back.) I thought so at first, but I could do this much "damage" in three days??

Maybe babies just change like this...I told him that someone on the board said that once you think you "crack the code," they change it on you...but I don't think he's buying that she would have gone this route on her own.

Any opinions?

Thanks,
Jude

[jd11365]

Sounds normal to me...and yes, she would have gone this route on her own. At about 3 months Kayla started more of a routine. She'd stay awake for 2 hours, then need a nap. She took about 3 naps a day at that point. DH used to think I "gave" her too many naps too...until he spent the whole day with her. They just can't last more than 2-3 hours at a time at that age. And yes, they completely change at this age. At least mine did and those of my friends...the 12 week point was a big change for us.

Jamie
Mommy to Kayla
May '03

[Judegirl]

Thank you Jamie - it helps to hear you say that. Dd has hit all of her growth spurts about a week and a half earlier than "they" say, so if there's a change at 12 weeks, that makes sense to me.

Sigh. As I was writing this, dh and I got into an argument over it...he thinks we knew our daughter and she just wasn't like this. I think he doesn't know what he's talking about. But since I don't either, it doesn't make for a pretty picture.

Anyway, thanks for the input.

Jude

[miki]

Tell you DH that you did not break your baby. They do change that much overnight. Sometimes they change in a way that makes your life more difficult, sometimes not. For the first 8 months of her life, I rocked my DD to sleep by bouncing on a yoga ball. Then literally overnight, I'm not kidding, she would yell at me to put her down and did not want one bit of rocking, just wanted me to leave her alone in her crib to fall asleep.

As my SIL said to me when I wished babies came with a manual, babies are a moving target.

[JElaineB]

You're right, babies are constantly changing and as soon as you think you have them figured out they will change! Don't be surprised even months down the road if she mixes it up on you, especially in regards to sleep. Honestly I do not feel DS got into any kind of nap routine until about 8 months old, but he was always good about going to sleep at bedtime. Every baby is different, so expect the unexpected! I did say to DH once (regarding a feeding issue) that "I think I broke the baby!" Luckily DH just laughed at me, and everything did indeed work out! Trust your instincts and trust the baby - she'll tell you what she needs, you just have to figure it out.

Jennifer
mom to Jacob 9/27/02

[lrucci]

Jude,

Don't worry, you did not mess her up. I remember the first few months with Kyleigh, it seemed that once I thought she was getting into a routine, she'd go and change it on us. Sometimes she could stay awake for 4 hours at a time, some days it was only 2. I really had to pay attention to her "tired" signs, because if I waited to long, she'd get so tired that she couldn't get to sleep and that was really rough. I do see the most notable difference in her when she is going through a growth spurt and when she is teething. Her sleep gets all messed up.

I hope your dh isn't too hard on you. He will see many sides of her personality throughout the first year, and not all of them may be pretty.

Remember, your dd is only 10 weeks old. She is still trying to figure out what life is all about. Good luck.


Lisa
Mom to Kyleigh 7/19/03

[lrucci]

Jude,

Don't worry, you did not mess her up. I remember the first few months with Kyleigh, it seemed that once I thought she was getting into a routine, she'd go and change it on us. Sometimes she could stay awake for 4 hours at a time, some days it was only 2. I really had to pay attention to her "tired" signs, because if I waited to long, she'd get so tired that she couldn't get to sleep and that was really rough. I do see the most notable difference in her when she is going through a growth spurt and when she is teething. Her sleep gets all messed up.

I hope your dh isn't too hard on you. He will see many sides of her personality throughout the first year, and not all of them may be pretty.

Remember, your dd is only 10 weeks old. She is still trying to figure out what life is all about. Good luck.


Lisa
Mom to Kyleigh 7/19/03

[new_mommy25]

Jude, I just wanted to say how much I love your avatar. It's so precious.

[Imperia]

I'm sorry you you two are fighting over this issue, but your DH needs to understand (I believe) that babies are little humans and are not static. They grow and change and evolve all of the time. During the first year, things are constantly changing, and that is totally normal. What a baby needs at 2 weeks is not what they may need at 12 or 32 or 44!

I think what you are describing is a fine (albeit, difficult situation). I know it's hard but most of the time it's easier just to work around the routine she has set for herself (no, I don't really think you "caused" it). And, just for fun, once you have gotten used to her sleeping rhymths she will change them again. Be prepared!

best wishes,

Imperia

[lmariana]

Yeah, no one tells you that you need to download the Parenting Software Update every 24 hours. :)

Napping every 2 hours is extremely normal and healthy at her age. Once you are all used to her new schedule and settled, it will change again. :) I remember with Gabe, I used to cradle him for a few minutes before every nap, and then one day he decided he had had enough and squirmed, cried, and shouted until I just gave up and put him in the crib. So now, he will only fall asleep if you put him in his crib wide-awake. Go figure!

Gabe is 11 months old and takes two 1.5 hours naps a day and sleeps 11 hours at night. This started at about 9 months old, and it's absolute heaven. :) You guys will get in a groove soon enough. Until then, just follow her cues. If she's grumpy, let her sleep. Enjoy your time off during her naps!

In the meantime, ask you husband to find anything in a parenting book (or online) that says that babies her age shouldn't be napping like that. He won't find it, because it doesn't exist. Even though you may feel like you don't know what you're doing, trust your instincts! You're totally on the right track! Go Jude!!!

PS- here's a weblink to get you started... http://www.parentsoup.com/focuson/sleep/articles/0,,166497_154855,00.html?arrivalSA=1&cobrandRef=0&arrival_freqCap=3 It shows the average hours of sleep and naps a baby needs according to its age.

Mariana
www.heinzandmariana.com
Mother of Gabriel, 08/14/2003

[Judegirl]

That was nice of you to say! I was experimenting with the avatars...wasn't sure how it looked as an avatar, since I know what the regular size looks like. I love the picture, though!

[lizajane]

now that she is getting older, she is getting more aware of what is going on and is starting to express opinions. your sweet well meaning dh is, in my humble opinion, the one who is wrong!! that baby is TIRED. babies NEED NAPS. i am surprised she made it this long without them!! i think if you work with her on naps every 1 1/2 hours, you will find that she will sleep longer stretches for her naps and then go to bed MUCH earlier. and will overall be a MUCH happier baby!

my child started to cry every evening for an hour or so until i figured out that he wasn't getting enough daytime sleep. (somewhere around 6 weeks) i found ways to help him nap, and suddenly he slept 3 or 4 hours in the morning, 2 hours in the afternoon, and 45 minutes in the evening! while sleeping through the night (8 hours or more by 9 weeks). he is not your average bear and sleeps more than most. but i never would have guessed that he could sleep for almost 7 hours during the day and still sleep ALL night!

i highly recommend that you and especially DH read marc weisbluth's healthy sleep habits happy child. the parts about how to get your child to sleep are totally irrelevant at this point. but the info on infant sleep requirements is VERY valuable.

[Karenn]

I think you and your DH are giving yourselves way too much credit. :) I really, really doubt that you "messed her up" sleep-wise. As much as I'd like for it to be different, I've found that I really don't have nearly as much impact on how my DS sleeps as I'd like to think that I do.

Yes, there are some things that a parent can do to help a child sleep better, but some children just have a rough time with sleep regardless of what the parent does. I say this only because in the first months of his life I AGONIZED about how well Colin slept, convinced that if I were doing all of the right things, he would be a good sleeper. I finally realized that it is simply not true. I tried all of the "right things" (which vary depending on who you listen to but I still tried all of them!) and now at two, he still has more trouble sleeping than most other kids we know. Some days he sleeps great! Others, not so well and what I do (his naps, bedtime, etc.) really doesn't seem to impact this. It just seems to be how things are.

I really wish that I had realized sooner what a small impact my worrying, analyzing and tinkering had on his sleep. While I did need to get Colin to a place where he could be well rested, I didn't need all of the guilt that I took on when things didn't go well in the sleep department. I wish I'd given myself more of a break.

FWIW, I did notice a change in Colin's sleep at 10 weeks. I noticed a much bigger change around 3 to 4 months, but 10 weeks was when I first noticed a difference in his sleep patterns.

Good luck, and try not to be too hard on yourself!