how do you reply when someone says to you...

[lizajane]

"you don't LOOK pregnant!!!"

i never know if i should just leave it (nope, sure don't.) or if i should "explain" (that's right. i have a tipped uterus so i take a really long time to show.) or if it is a compliment (thanks for telling me that i am thin.) but i haven't said anything mean, i promise! (why are you staring at my stomach AGAIN? why do you care? what does it matter? are you trying to say that something is wrong with my pregnancy?)

or on the other side, what do you say when someone asks,

"you're huge! are you having twins??"

[kitmama]

LOL!! I got that all the time, too. I just decided to treat it as a compliment. (And sometimes, I'd get the huge comment, too- people just don't know what they're talking about). :)

[nathansmom]

Don't know how to respond. When pregnant with Nathan I thought I was huge but most people never realized I was pregnant. This time I am huge despite losing almost 40 lbs so far but I am pregnant with twins so maybe thats the reason. Hopefully someone has some good replies for you.

[cara1]

Yeah, I think it's supposed to be a compliment. Two people asked me today if I was sure I wasn't having twins (I'm only 29 weeks). Yesterday I got, "Wow, you're so...round!" And the "Whoah, when are you due??" So I woudln't mind a comment like that right about now...

ETA: I just looked at your due-date. Most people DON'T look pregnant at 3 months anyway!

[momma_boo]

How about, "Well, I definitly FEEL pregnant!"
You can always go into an in-depth discussion about your current symptoms/discomforts just to teach them a lesson!

Oh, I also got the "You look HUGE!" comment as well during my last month. I look at the pictures and agree that I did look quite big. I didn't gain an obscene amount of weight, but I am short (5'2"), so the baby was all belly. I definitely had to reassure people many times I was not having twins ... or a boy. People would question me when I told them it was a girl.

But honestly, you're only 3 mos. I think the first time, I didn't show until at least 5+ months.

[smilequeen]

I usually just say "yeah, it doesn't want to pop out yet". Lame, but...If it's someone who knows me well then I get offended...like, did I really look this fat before??????

My uterus is actually very anteverted, so I pooched early but I'm tall, so it's taking a while to get the true pregnant belly, even though apparently I measure 2 weeks ahead :)

One of my assistants gets the "are you having twins stuff" all the time though and she takes it pretty well...

[lizajane]

i didn't really "show" the first time until 6 months!! and wow, did i get a lot of "you don't look pregnant" comments then! but family, etc. is all waiting and waiting for it to happen and i just want them to BACK OFF.

[NEVE and TRISTAN]

without reading anyones responses...I think one should be gracious if they think the person is not trying to be mean or prodding for info.

I follow this rule 100% of the time UNLESS I feel the person is gossipy, looking to say something mean etc...

These boards have taught me a major lesson and that really is to never make a casual comment to anyone in public, sadly,

Kind of like the example of a man and wife having dinner
example one the man cooked for wife and the women asks "where did you get the meat" and the man says "the grocery store"

example two the women cooks and the man asks "where did you get the meat" and the women says "why what's wrong with it".

If someone says
"you don't look pregnant"
a few examples
"thanks, I'm glad to know I am carrying it well"
"thanks, I feel huge"
"thank you"
That is a complement, and in the first few months of pregnancy even if not a complement it is I assume an accurate comment.

If someone says
"you look like you are carrying twins"
"I'm not but I sure do feel I am on some days"
"Oh my could you imagine if I find out it is twins"

When folks talk to you about you and they are strangers for the most part 99.9% of the time they are thinking of simple conversation..I suspect it is like saying "hello how are you???" and really not sticking around or noticing the answer.

Just my two cents...


Neve
http://home.nc.rr.com/ourbabytristan
AKA "mama2be"-forgot password
and Baby Boy Tristan born @UNC
Feb 25, 2003
Brother to 3 pups "gees" and 2 kitties

[MartiesMom2B]

Liza:

Why don't you throw up on them and then tell them that you feel pregnant. Just joking.

Take it as a compliment. You look great.

Sonia http://www.planetsmilies.com/smilies/character/1/character03.gif
Proud Mommy to Martie

[llcoddington]

I think I said, "I sure FEEL pregnant!" I felt like a whale and yet people didn't know I was pregnant almost up till the end. I think that was worse- they just thought I was bloated and had a beer belly. :)

Lana
mommy to Lauren 12/5/03

[hellosmiletoday]

I totally agree that the comment is probably a complement. Until I was pregnant, I never realized it takes so long to actually "look" pregnant, and how the time it takes to look pregnant varies from person to person. I "hid" my pregnancy until I had turned in my thesis draft, which was well past my 5th month (it was hard near the end, so I would claim I was cold and wear a jacket all day). Thus, I never really got those comments.

Near the end, strangers, friends and family would comment anything from "you're huge", "are you having twins", "you are so small", and my favorite, "you must be having a boy". In fact about 90% of strangers were convinced I was having a boy and guess what...I had a girl! The comments that drove me crazy were the people that asked whether I gained weight only in the belly or in "other" places so they could attempt to figure out whether it was a girl or boy...one lady asked me in my 5th month if I was producing milk...and to mix it with liquid draino or something...DH was grossed out at the producing milk part!

[NEVE and TRISTAN]

I guess my point is honestly if I saw a pregnant women in WalMart 5 years ago, I would ASSU<E after some chit chat had taken place any comment I made would really have been just to be nice and to make a comment in conversation. Truth be known few people care a less about the lives of total strangers, I can speak first hand that if I ever asked someone "is he talking" I could care a less if their child was talking. Infact still to this day as I juggle my son and run into others about his age if I run into a stranger I care little if any about the answer to the question, let alone a pregnant women walking by.

I prefer a life of strangers making small talk, smiling at a pregnant women, making a nice comment than a bunch of scowl faces running around showing no interest in others atleast enough to try to make the other feel good.

What a sad day it would be if I went out with my son and no one even acklowdged us for the day...even if stupid comments it's nice to live among humans in a community.

edited to add: When ever I read such questions etc... I wonder have others really not asked other pregnant women these same questions at some point in your life? I mean maybe we've been tamed by going thru the process ourselves now but lord knows I've said...

To a women with twins "whew you have your hands full"
To a baby with curls "where did you get those curls????" (not even noticing if the parents have curls or not)
To a women I worked with "are you sure there aren't two heart beats"??

I just find it hard to beleive that no one has had such conversations with others in all the threads I see like this out there on this board.




Neve
http://home.nc.rr.com/ourbabytristan
AKA "mama2be"-forgot password
and Baby Boy Tristan born @UNC
Feb 25, 2003
Brother to 3 pups "gees" and 2 kitties

[Sarah1]

Almost the ENTIRE time I was pregnant, people told me "you don't look pregnant," "where's the baby?", "you're so SMALL!"...the list goes on and on. I never knew how to respond. It aggravated the he*l out of me! I just tried to tell myself whoever said it meant it as a compliment.

[chlobo]

I got those comments all the time too. i didn't really show until about 6 months. I didn't tell people at work until I was 5 months pregnant. However, I would rather hear that I don't look pregnant than I look like I'm carrying twins, even though how you "carry" is probably somewhat genetic. I never knew how to respond either.

[g-mama]

ITA with everything Neve said. It is just small talk - plain and simple. People are just trying to interact with other people and I really don't think they put as much thought into their comments as some people think they do.

I know I make comments like this all the time - even after having 2 babies - and it's just my way of making conversation at the park, or the train table, or the playground, etc with another mom. I surely hope nobody has ever taken anything I've said in this way to be insulting or thoughtless.

As far as "you're so tiny!" - surely this has to be seen as a compliment. Would anybody ever really say this and be thinking something like, "oh my, something must be VERY wrong with your baby!" I'm guessing that's the connotation? I don't know what else it could be. I was told I was small and just took it to mean I was lucky to be a woman who carried pregnancy well.

Kristen
Paolo 11-00
Benjamin 8-03

[Rachels]

"Huh. You don't LOOK rude."


ETA: I don't think I'd actually say that, but I certainly thought it. I just don't understand that comment at all, and I think it's pretty insensitive. The last thing a pregnant woman wants when her whole body and life are in a state of upheaval is to be told it doesn't seem to be happening at all. And I don't understand the thing where people mean it as a compliment. What's with that?! If it's a compliment not to look pregnant, then that implies that something is empirically wrong or unattractive about having a visibly pregnant belly. Not good, any way you slice it. People should think before they speak.

-Rachel
Mom to Abigail Rose
5/18/02

http://www.planetsmilies.com/smilies/character/2/character39.gif

"We have a secret in our culture...it's not that birth is painful, it's that women are strong!!" - Laura Stavoe Harm

[mamicka]

ITA. Most of the pregnant women we see on TV & in movies are very concerned with their weight & looking 'fat'. That's just stereotypically how our society thinks of pregnant women, reality or not. So for someone, especially but not only a woman who has not ever been pregnant, to think that you WANT to hear how small you are is not a stretch. I was told everything from 'Where's the baby?' to 'Are you sure it's not triplets?' from one day to the next. I know my body & so does my husband, so I knew who was being honest & who was just making conversation. Just laugh. :)

[C99]

"You don't look stupid"

OK, that's snarky. But WTH is "you don't look pregnant" supposed to mean?? That you are somehow lying about your pregnancy?

[ritacheetah]

Check out my post in this thread:

http://www.windsorpeak.com/dc/dcboard.php?az=show_topic&forum=18&topic_id=9015&mesg_id=9015&page=&topic_page=2

Live long and prosper,
Tracy
Mom to Victoria, 12/20/03

[lizajane]

i really was asking what a good response would be. not because i want to tear their heads off. but because i want to respond in the "small talk appropriate" way.

i always want to explain things, for example i do actually have a tipped uterus, which means it is backwards, and it really is the reason why my pants are not tight 14 weeks into my 2nd pregnancy.

but i don't think i am actually supposed to explain things. unless someone specifically asks for an explanation. like if someone with no children asked, "i don't understand why some women look SO pregnant right away and some women hardly look pregnant at all after several months. why is that?"

kinda like if someone you hardly know asks, "how's it going?" you are supposed to say, "fine and you?" instead of, "well, i have a one year old and i am pregnant. i puked most every night of june and now i only sleep about 4 hours per night. i am tired as heck and wish to goodness that my husband would just come home on time so that i could lie down for 5 freaking minutes. and you? how are you?"

so while i do want my family of my back- because i really think they DO care and ARE interested in the real answer- i just want to say the "right" thing to strangers. which is why i DO usually say either, "thank you!" or "nope, not just yet!"

anyway. ramble queen over here.

[starrynight]

I heard it all the time when I was pregnant with my girls until around 20-22 weeks which was when I finally started showing. But with Alex all I ever heard was "are you sure it isn't twins?" and I showed with him early. I just learned to ignore it and with ds not get bothered and with the girls take it as a compliment that no one thought I was a cow. LOL

[LucyG]

LOL! I wondered the same thing. It took me til 7 months to show, and people were forever commenting on my lack of looking pregnant. My midwife told me I just had an efficient uterus, so I told that to people whom I thought it would amuse and pacify!

[boys2enough]

It really depends on the tone. BUt I would venture to guess that it probably came out as a compliment. At least the many times I said it, I meant it as a compliment. I would add on things like, "Wow, you look great." "You are carrying it very well." "You do have that glow about you though," etc etc.


Cheers, Lin
Mom to 2 wild boys
D 3/98
G 11/02

http://instagiber.net/smiliesdotcom/kao/otn/pnoodles.gif