Could use some moral support (REALLY LONG)

[Marisa6826]

A little background... Most of you know how psycho and unstable my dear Mother can be. Against my much better judgement, Jonathan persuaded me to ask her to come up in December and take care of Sophie while I"m in the hospital delivering Amelia. She was planning on staying the entire MONTH (not my idea), but I figured it would be easy to ship her off when I couldn't stand the nut factor any more.

Well, I've been loathing that decision for weeks now, and it's gotten to the point where I'm up at night having heart palpatations thinking about how it's just a recipe for disaster.

Yesterday was a pretty rough day here. Sophie was a whining mess, I didn't feel well, was just in a very overwhelmed state. Mother called bitching to me about how I didn't seem "concerned enough" that she was in the path of Hurricane Charley (she lives in Naples, Fla.). I told her that it was not among my super abilities to reroute hurricanes, and there was not much I could do about it. Besides, it was supposed to hit Tampa, not Naples. She changed the subject and wanted to "know what I was doing to make Sophie cry". I told her that Sophie just wasn't in a good mood - she wanted to watch her "show" (Baby Einstein) and I wouldn't let her since I was using the computer. Mother found that incredibly funny for some reason and wanted to know "who was running the house" since clearly I had no control over my Daughter. I reiterated that I wasn't feeling well, and that I wasn't up for her commentary on how I'm not parenting to her standards. I then hung up on her.

Sophie then proceeded to have a super meltdown since I didn't let her "talk" on speakerphone to Grandma. I responded in kind. I am ashamed at my behaviour in that I put her up in her room and turned off the monitor because I just couldn't listen to any more whining/crying/sobbing from Sophie. I sat downstairs sobbing myself, hyperventilating with even more palpatations. As I said, NOT a good day.

Fast forward to today, I was at Nordy's waiting to meet Alexis (dowlinal) for lunch. My cell rang, it was my Mother, all chatty, wanting to know what Sophie and I were up to. I told her I was out having lunch with a friend and that I would talk to her later. I got home, knowing that I should return her call, but was just simply not interested in dealing with the same crap, different day.

Well, my guilt got the better of me, and I called Mother on my cell en route to pick up Chinese Food. She wanted to know what my "problem was" and I told her that I was sick of her not being emotionally supportive of me. She started going on about how it's apparently more important to me that she's emotionally supportive than caring if she's OK in a hurricane. I asked where she was (I knew she left the West Coast) - Key Largo! I told her she's not even in the PATH of the damn hurricane, and again, there's nothing either one of us can do about it. And if she was so damn terrified, she's had a paid ticket to come up here sitting in her house for eight months.

I asked her how she would have felt if my Grandmother called her as the parent of a young toddler and asked what she was doing to "make her daughter cry". She said that she probably did get calls like that. So I asked her if the calls gave her the warm fuzzies, because it wasn't working for me. Further, I told her that I'd rather go into default on my mortgage to pay for a sitter than deal with her instability in December and that she was no longer welcome to come up here, since I can't depend on her to not snap and abandon Sophie while I'm in the hospital. She said that she was tired of talking to me and dealing with my needs. I responded that I've felt that way for months and I've had enough. In fact, I wasn't interested in talking to her again - I then hung up and promptly started to cry.

I got home, told Jonathan that she wasn't welcome here in December and he flipped about how I just ruined everything and how was he going to take care of Sophie by himself. I told him to suck it up, since I do it every freaking day. He needs to learn to drive and take some initiative. I'm getting physically sick just thinking about all of this.

I plan on calling a local college and hopefully find a student to come and take care of Sophie for me. I don't know what else to do.

I'm totally lost.

-m

[slknight]

Gosh, Marisa. I am so sorry you have to deal with this. I've read about your mother in the past and have been floored. I don't know; I think I tend to agree with the fact that you don't want her in your house for an entire month. Having a newborn can be stressful and I think she will only add to your stress, not help it. I get along great with my mom, and was very happy for her help after Alex was born, but I was still really ready for her to leave after 6 days. I think that a month with your mom will drive you over the edge.

I wish I lived closer - I would come help you out. Sending big hugs your way.

[jk3]

I'm sorry too. I think you are doing the right thing. It sounds like your mom will be another person you will need to take care of + you need people to take care of you. I'm sorry you are dealing with this right now. =)

Jenn
DS 6/03

http://lilypie.com/baby2/030603/2/5/1/-5/.png

[candybomiller]

Wow. That's out of control. Your mother sounds like quite the piece of work.

You will survive. All of you will. True, it seems like everyone is being poopy, but this will pass. Is there anyone else in your family that can help with Sophie? Any friends? Anyone in Jonathan's family??

If you need someone to talk to, let me know. I'll pm you my number.

[jbowman]

Marisa,

Hugs to you!

I am really sorry. It sounds as if you already have a lot stress and that your mom has only added to it. I think you are very wise to look to someone else for help in December. You still have a lot of time to find someone, so don't worry!

I would help if I could!

And you didn't ruin anything--you probably made everything a lot less stressful in the long run.

[LD92599]

M:

Oh no! You have to do what's right for you..sounds as though your mom would be more stress than it's worth, unfortunately.

Hugs to you!

Laura
mom to William
3.5.2003

http://homepage.mac.com/ld14m

http://lilypie.com/baby2/030305/0/7/0/-5/.png[/url]

[deenass]

DO NOT let your mother come after you have your baby. I had my mother (sho I get along with) yell at me that I needed to seek "anger management therapy" a week after my son (who was readmitted to the hospital after being released). She's lucky I did not kill her.

Try looking into a post partum doula, they are experienced with post partum care for you and your children and will be someone who will look after you instead of the other way around.

Don't be too hard on yourself for losing it on your daughter. you out her in her room, you did not hurt or abuse her and she will survive this "time out."

[Dscvrlifewith3]

M,

I found myself in a very similar situation when pregnant with Jack, except it was with my nutty MIL. She didn't come (thank goodness) and we managed. In fact as soon as the decision was made that I wouldn't have to deal with her, the last month of my pregnancy was dreamy. I had an ideal birth experience and loved coming home. I had my SIL and sister help off and my husband took a week off of work. I actually felt so good that I was really back in the swing of things. My older children did watch a lot of TV for about a month, but at least I had my sanity. {{{hugs}}}

[momathome]

Marisa-
If it comes down to it, I will drive to your home and take Sophie while you are in the hospital. I would be happy to have her and we have a crib set up that will not be in use until March. I am dead serious. Call me if I can be of any help at all, I honestly would not mind. Don't hesitate to call if you need to vent, too. Take care, girlie, and I hope your weekend goes better than your week did. {{{Hugs}}}

[Sarah1]

OK, Marisa. Stop making yourself sick! It's NOT the end of the world. You can and will handle this!

Now it's time for my unsoliticited advice, which you can feel free to ignore: your mother does sound like a truly difficult and troubled person, but at some point you have to make a decision whether or not you want her in her life. If you do, then you have to accept her how she is. Even if she is completely insane and says things that seem hurtful to you. No, it isn't fair and it sucks, but that's the situation as far as I can see it.

If you decide against having your mom around, then you can find someone to help you out. There are plenty of students and new grads looking for jobs, and nannies who do short-term assignments. I would definitely check the craigslist in your area, if there is one.

Go make up with your husband now, all right?????

[rrosen]

M-
The next time you have a day like yesterday, pick up the phone and call me! Even if it to just cry on the other end.

It sounds like you did the right thing. You don't need anything adding to your stress right now. Jonathan will see that when he calms down. She was not going to be the kind of help you needed any way.

And I can be to you in about 4.5 hours if you need me!

Big Hugs!

Becca

[lukkykatt]

Marisa,

I wish I lived closer! Whether or not you change your mind about having your mother in your life, it is probably not a good idea to have her at your house for a month right after you have the baby. Try to get any other friends or relatives nearby to help out, or call around to get a mother's helper.

The hardest part for me was having to get up at 7am after being up a few times during the night. Can Jonathan take Sophie in the morning and go to work later a few days a week? Also, use Peapod or a similar service to get your groceries - a lifesaver with a toddler and a baby. And yes, I do think that Jonathan should learn how to drive - I know he works in NY, but is there a reason why he is resistant to learning? It will make life so much easier if he can share in the running around - especially right after you deliver - you are not supposed to drive for 2 weeks anyway.

Don't get sick over this. You have plenty of time to plan and everything will work out!

Hugs,

[amazz]

Marisa--

Sending hugs your way! I'm really sorry you're dealing with this right now. I hope everything works out for you. You are a wonderful mother and a good friend to those of us on these boards. Just keep telling yourself that(because it's true!!). I wish there was more I could do for you, but I do want you to know that I will be thinking of you and wishing you the best.

(((((HUGS))))
Angela
EDD 10/15/04
A baby is God's opinion that the world should go on. ~Carl Sandburg

[Marisa6826]

Thanks Girlies-

I think I'm just a mess of hormones right now. I'm in tears all over again reading your responses.

I was originally going to look into a post partum doula, but I wasn't sure if that's what I needed or not, since I really need somebody to care for Sophie, not Amelia (Jonathan will be home the first three or four weeks after Amelia is born).

Since I will be having a c/s, I'm not going to be very mobile and specifically need somebody that can drive me to doctor's appointments, groceries, etc. Jonathan KNOWS he needs to learn to drive. He just needs to pick up the phone and make lesson arrangements. He's still terrified at the thought of driving with Sophie in the car, though. And there's no way he will be able to drive her into NYC to see me in the hospital. I don't think that either Sophie or I will be able to bear to be apart for 5+ days.

I know that I need to extricate myself from my Mother. I'm just having a hard time doing that. I don't have a lot of family, and what family Jonathan has, is utterly useless. I feel better about telling her that I don't want her here, because as I said, it was making me sick just thinking about it.

I am finding myself needing to resolve the December thing NOW, so that assuming we can swing it financially (and at this point I am completely willing to take an advance on a credit card to do it), I want Sophie to get to know whatever person in advance so that she doesn't feel a stranger has taken over. I also don't want to put myself in the position of having to scramble to find somebody I feel comfortable with because time is running out. I'm even considering joining the JCC (kind of like a Jewish YMCA) to put her in daycare, although I don't think that's necessarily ideal to do in December with cold/flu season, and then bringing her home to a newborn.

Lauren and Bec - thanks for the offers to come help. Lauren, you will already have your hands full with a big belly of your own plus two preschoolers. Bec, hopefully you will be busy throwing up in a corner somewhere ;).

Everybody else - thanks so much for the words of encouragement. Again, I don't know what I would do without all of you

hugs

-m

[lrucci]

Marisa-

Wow, sorry that you have to deal with all of this. The last thing you need is to be feeling stressed out. I think you did the right thing in asking your mother not to come if she will only aggravate an already emotional time. Sophie and Amelia do not need to be in an environment filled with tension, not to mention what that would do to you.

Jonathan will have no other choice but to take care of Sophie and I'm sure he'll come through just fine. It probably just seems like a monumental task at the moment. Men can get funny like that sometimes. He has plenty of time to learn to drive, but I think it is something he really needs to do.

In the meantime, PLEASE do not let this get you so upset. Rest up and hopefully tomorrow will be a better day.

Hugs to you!!

Lisa
Mom to Kyleigh 7/19/03

[janeybwild]

Marisa, this sucks. I know you have many people pulling for you and hope that you feel some of the support that is around you (just not from your mother...grrr). Its a great idea to try a local college for help. Perhaps you could also post a note at some local spots (e.g. church, supermarket etc.)? You may atract someone with time on their hands who is looking to be useful. Meantime, hang in there.

[Sarah1]

Marisa--I wanted to add--I hope I didn't come across as unsupportive in my post. It can be irritating when people give advice (which I did) instead of simply lending an ear...anyway, I meant to be encouraging!

You might be surprised at how quickly Sophie warms up to a new babysitter. We were just out in CA for DH's sister's wedding. We had a babysitter for Audrey three nights/afternoons in a row. Consider the fact that we were in an unfamiliar house only for a few days, and here comes a strange new person--I was nervous at how Audrey would do, but she did so well that by the third night, it was like she and the babysitter had known each other forever.

[pritchettzoo]

Grr. What a wench. My mom said she has always wanted to visit NY. I don't know that she wouldn't drive you insane, but there aren't any houses looking to land on her. ;)

I hope you have a stress-free weekend.

Anna

[new_mommy25]

((((((Marisa))))))

I'm so sorry. I have an insane mother myself so I feel your pain. I really hope it all works out. let us know how the college search goes. Have you ever checked craigslist? http://newyork.craigslist.org/ Look under childcare. There are lots of postings.

[heidi_timms]

I seriously think that you did the right thing! You will not be able to focus on having Amelia when you are worrying about Sophie. Hugs to you Mama! Something will fall into place for you!
~Heidi
Mom to Kailey
4/03

[Puddy73]

Hugs to you, sweetie! I'm sorry that you are having such a rough time. You could put up a notice at a local elementary school to try to find someone to take care of Sophie. A friend of mine who is a teacher often takes "nanny" jobs during her holiday breaks.

In the meantime, have some chocolate and take care of yourself!

Jennifer
Mommy to Annabelle Mae 9/8/03

"Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away."

[Gayletmomto4]

Marisa,

Of course you are a mess of hormones right now-just as it should be when you are PG. Just remember that under all of that is your same old sane, rational self. I am sorry that you are going through this. I know that no one can make me feel crazy like my mother.

If I may give some unasked for advice, please take care of your self, your baby and your daughter. This stress isn't good for any of you. I suggest a warm bath, some soft music or whatever works to relax you and clear your mind. A calming prayer can also be wonderful if you are open to that. I find that when I don't think about something troubling for a while it often seems that I get clarity on what is right for me. It sort of just comes to me (my best friend says that is God answering my prayers!).

Anyway, many, many hugs Mama. This, too, shall pass.

[dowlinal]

Marisa,
Big hugs!!! I am so sorry that the rest of your day didn't go as well as lunch. I really don't know what to say to you about your mom and the whole situation. If it makes you feel better, since I am fortunate enough to live near you, I can probably drive Jonathan and Sophie to the hospital to see you.

A doula might still work for you. I know that some of them will take care of the older children. You might also trying calling a local highschool - a lot of them have child care courses including CPR.

Also, do you think Jonathan might be more comfortable caring for Sophie if you do a trial run now? Have him take over for a weekend while you're still there as his safety net. I know that Tommy has been freaking out about watching Madeline when I go back to work so I have been gradually increasing the amount of time that he's "in charge." In the beginning he was calling for me like every five minutes but now he's a lot more comfortable.

I'll be up until around 2 am and Tommy's at work so call me if you need to talk!!!

[Melanie]

Marisa I am so sorry. You have far more patience with your mother than I ever would.

At our local college I've heard the child development majors (who work in the preschool) do babysitting, so that might be a good place for you to start looking.

I've also heard good things about PPD doulas.


http://www.gynosaur.com/assets/ribbons/ribbon_sapphire_24m.gif

[jec2]

Marisa,

a big gigantic warm hug to you. Mother's know our buttons because the put them there. So sorry you are in a situation that is causing so much distress. And, we all have bad bad days. Sophie is learning that and probably learned that yesterday. just go give her a big hug and try and let her know that you are sorry for being a little grumpy.

But, what about a post-natal doula?! I know that doula's will come and take care of things around the house and with sophie and such. The bonus is that they are more experienced and attuned to post-birth needs, which might be really very helpful. (I actually don't know if they will help with older children, but know that they are there to help the mama so helping with sophie would be helping you :))

[jubilee]

Oh, honey- you need a big hug! I wish I could help- move to the NW, and I'd jump at the chance to play dolls with Sophie :) As you handling your mom, do what is best for YOU. If you don't want her there, stick to that. As for Jonathan, I recommend calling a driver's education company and plopping down the money for his lessons. All the best to you and your little sweeties!

[tippy]

Hi Melissa,

Where in NJ do you live?? I seriously would come and help you out for a few days when you bring Amelia home. I'm in lower Westchester and getting to the GW or TappanZee is super fast for me. Let me know. In the meantime I feel your pain. I also have a psycho mom from hell. Sorry you have to deal with this during what should be such a happy time for you. DH should realize how hard it would be for you to handle your mom for an entire month (he's probably feeling overwhelmed at the thought of taking care of Sophie though). Try not to worry too much (it's not good for you or Amelia) and just take it a day at a time. It will work out, you'll see. Sending you lots of hugs and positive vibes.

ETA, I would also be happy to pick up Johnathan and Sophie and bring them into the city to visit you in the hospital. I have a marathon car seat so Sophie would be safe and sound. I know you don't know me but I am totally serious. I would love to help if I can. Just know that the offer stands in case you need help, ok. PM me if you want to chat. I'll send you my number.

[tippy]

Just a quick note to say that if you can't afford a Doula there are Doula's in training that will sometimes provide the same services for free or for a small stipend. PM me if you want info.

[cuca_]

Marisa,

Sorry you are dealing with this. You probably made the right decision, as it sounds like your mother would simply add unecessary stress rather than help. Hope you solve your situation quickly and that your DH learns to drive ASAP. Hope you are feeling better.

Carmen
DD May 2003

[toomanystrollers]

Marisa,
Sending some more HUGS your way :) Yup, telling your mom to stay away was indeed the right thing to do!! And I'm sure you'll find the perfect mom's helper by December.

We'll be thinking of you!

[Marisa6826]

Teva-

I PM'd you ;)

-m

[Marisa6826]

Anna-

I told Jonathan that your Mom has always wanted to visit NYC. He looked at me and said that he SERIOUSLY would not rule it out.

You can start a business exporting Southern Grandmas!

-m

[Marisa6826]

Angie-

I am, indeed, familiar with Craig's List. In fact, that's how we found our sublet when we were between the condo and this house over last Christmas/New Years.

I looked last night and there seemed to be significantly more families looking for Nannies than the other way around.

There was, however, and agency also looking for Nannies. I"m thinking about giving them a call. I know that they'd be more expensive than going directly with a Nanny, but I'd also hope that they'd have the ability to do some of the nut factor weeding.

I'm also a little unnerved by the thought of a random stranger off the street with who knows how true credentials watching Sophie in my house while I'm not here. I know from my own job searches in my previous life that you only list references that are glowing, KWIM?

Any suggestions?

-m

[Judegirl]

Marisa,

I'm so sorry that you have to deal with this right now. I think you made the right decision, though, as hard as it is - Jonathan's freaking out aside. :)

I'm in NYC also, have a car and am not pregnant... I would be more than happy to help in whatever way I could.

In the meantime, I think joining your local JCC (soon) is a good idea. Even if you don't go the daycare route, you might be able to hook up with a good candidate to help you out at home with Sophie.

Hang in there...and best of luck to Jonathan while learning to drive!

Jude

[lukkykatt]

Marisa, PM me and let me know where in NJ you are. I have a few friends who live in Northern NJ - "salt of the earth" type people who I would trust with anything. I would certainly trust anyone they recommended for my own children, and I tend to be a PITA about that kind of stuff. I'll check with them to see if anyone knows anybody who could help you out.

[brigmaman]

Coming in a little late here- but I figure you could use some support even the next day.
Hopefully things are looking up now that Friday the 13th has ended!

[momathome]

Marisa-
I just wanted to reitterate that my offer still stands - at the very least, feel free to keep me as a back-up plan if the sky should fall. :) Just take care of yourself and hang in there - things have a way of working themselves out.

[jk3]

We went through the Larchmont Agency in Larchmont, NY and had the most fabulous baby nurse. She's not just a baby nurse-she'd take care of Sophie too. I have her phone number if you want it. That way you could contact her directly. It's not cheap but worth every penny-My DH + I both cried after she left. She was with us for 9 days + she's the best!

Jenn
DS 6/03

http://lilypie.com/baby2/030603/2/5/1/-5/.png

[jk3]

Another possibility is to scout out au pairs who work in housed with school aged children. They can work at your house when the children are at school.

Jenn
DS 6/03

http://lilypie.com/baby2/030603/2/5/1/-5/.png

[houseof3boys]

Marisa I don't know how you do it! I am so sorry that you had an awful day and your mother contributed to it. I understand completely sweetie.

I think having your mom come when Amelia is born is not a good idea (just my 2 cents so get out the salt :)). You don't need the stress and she always seems to provide it for you. I still remember the post like it was yesterday when she came to NY and was flirting with Jonathan and was quite mean about everything she said to you and then she just left and you didn't hear from her for a while. I said it then and I'll say it again, your mom is very jealous of your life and she does things to try and sabatoge that everytime! She drains you with the way she speaks to you and you take it personally everytime. I do the same thing with my mother, so who am I to talk? My DH tells me to just let it roll of my back since clearly mom mother is emotionally unstable. Easier said than done which is why I havne't spoken to her in about a year.

Honey, please relax that little heart of yours and dont' send Amelia all of those stress hormones if you can help it. I wouldn't worry about little Sophie and her meltdown since it's par for the course at her age anyway. You love her so much and one day of you putting her in her room won't make a difference...really!

What does Jonathan think?

[mary b]

marissa,

hang in there!!! I agree with the others that finding non-relative help is the best solution!!!


Take care!!
Mary

[McQ]

Oh Marisa, I'm so sorry to hear of your troubles with your mother. I've known she was a wack job and unstable, but I didn't realize how completely selfish she is on top of that.

This kind of reminds me of the relationship my brother has with my father who walked out on us when we were kids. I was like good riddance (he was a jerk) but my brother has always hoped that his daddy would come around and be a dad - still almost 20 years later. And my brother tries, my father is an ass, then my brother gets disappointed all over again and he gets down. I hate seeing my brother like that. I don't like seeing you like this either. And I'm sorry your mother was such a selfish butt on the phone this week.

I think it's good that you told her not to come in December - that was a recipe for disaster. Jonathan needs to buck up and help out with Sophie (get him in that routine NOW), and I think a college girl is a great idea. I sure wish I was near by to help.

Sorry this post is such a downer. I really didn't want it to be. Big hugs to you!

Allison
~ mommy to Declan 3.24.03
and number 2 EDD 9.14.04

[octmom]

Ugh. I don't know all the background with your mom, but it sure sounds as if you're doing the right thing. A month is a long time, even if she was easy to be around.

I agree with the suggestions about JCC and checking with local colleges, esp. for child development students.

And, your DH really needs to get his license, not just for December, but so that driving does not always become your responsibility. You don't live in the city, and as your children get older they will need shuttling around more and more. You shouldn't be the only one doing this on weekends. He needs to step up and pitch in! And it sounds as if letting him be "in charge" with DD for a Saturday would be a good way to start.

Keep your chin up! And keep us posted on how things go.

Jerilyn
DS, Sean 10/03

http://lilypie.com/baby1/041029/3/3/3/-5/.png

"Baby makes days shorter, nights longer, home happier, and love stronger."

[bnme]

just a quick response. i was just scanning the boards and want to reply quickly (little tj asleep in my arms). i delivered him (#2) via c/s 8/4---i was planning a vbac but it didn't work out.

i was just sitting here feeling sorry for myself a bit, even though things are actually easier than i expected so far. your situation sounds so tough & i feel for you that you have this hanging over your head. its great that your hubby will be home so long afterward. i totally understand about being hesitant to trust a stranger with your daughter - but it sounds as if you need someone more of as help for you dh while you are in the hospital-maybe someone to go with him on trips to visit you and be at home with him an her so he doesn't feel overwhelmed. and then again s/he can help you when he goes back to work. im sure you will find something that'll work it's great that you are thinking about this so far in advance.

what i really wanted to add was--i don't know if it was just luck for me, but the recovery from my 2nd c/s has been MUCH easier than the 1st. the first time was an emergency situation and my 2nd was planned, all though at the last minute. the 2nd surgery took much longer, i guess because they were not in such a rush to get baby out. i am not sure if that has anything to do with my feeling much better this time but i think it may (they were less "rough" with my insides). not really much help for you, but i thought it may be comforting to hear that your recovery may not be so bad---though i am realizing as i type this i am not sure if your 1st delivery was a c/s!

hth a little

[MartiesMom2B]

Marisa:

Girlfriend, you cry, whine, and bitch to us all you need. For your health, you need to NOT have your mom with you. She's just going to make things worse. I do think that doulas can help with older kids.

I can't wait to see you in two weeks!

Sonia http://www.planetsmilies.com/smilies/character/1/character03.gif
Proud Mommy to Martie
http://lilypie.com/baby2/030406/3/4/3/+10/.png

[Marisa6826]

Jenn-

Larchmont is kind of a hike from here. Don't think that they would send somebody this far. Did your baby nurse drive? That's super high on my priority list.

-m

[jk3]

She didn't. She stayed put! They send people all over, however. She had worked in CT and even if Florida + California.

Jenn
DS 6/03

http://lilypie.com/baby2/030603/2/5/1/-5/.png

[trumansmom]

Lots and lots of hugs being sent your way. I really, really wish I live closer.

And because I care about you so much, I will NOT send my kids' southern grandmother your way!! We've got lots of crazy in my family as well!!


Jeanne
Mom to Truman 11/29/01 and Eleanor 4/14/04

[Jeanmick]

All the PP's have said this I'm sure (I've not read any responses), but I think you did the right thing. I can't imagine how it is to have a mother like yours, but I have learned over the years that it's not worth having people around you who totally bring you down. Better to try to do this with just your DH (you're right...he's gonna have to suck it up, take some responsibility and be proactive with things) than to have another person around to stress about. You'll have enough on your mind with your two little ones. Definitely consider calling a babysitter or a friend who can take your daughter for a bit until you're up and about. I've heard from friends that recovery can be quicker with the second one. It was for me.

Hang in there...while we may not be able to help you physically, you've got a lot of friends on this board who'll support you emotionally!

[NEVE and TRISTAN]

I was away in DC for a few days or would have given my shoulder earlier...
I do think it best that your mom not come...I would try my hardes (easier said than done I know) to cancel her trip on an upbeat note and not when mad.
If hubby will be home for 3-4 weeks after the birth that is wonderful, I didn't know if he would be "home home" or "working from home", since that is two different scenerios...if "home home" it might be a great time for family bonding.

Can you call your college buddies, or highschool buddies, or even bridesmaids or friends to come to the rescue, I suspect that would be the best scenerio...

Big hugs, and thoughts are with you...I agree with a previous poster once you resolve this you will feel so much better...
Neve and Tristan born Feb 25, 2003
***********************************
EDD with #2 March 18, 2005
heartbeat and "looking great" so far
************************************
Traveling in Jan insearch of the rest of our family-adopting in Ukraine
***********

[mommd]

Well, I'm coming in way late, but sorry you have to go through this while being pregnant! It sounds like you would be better off not to have to deal with your Mom on top of everything else. I hope you find the perfect person to help you! {{HUGS}}

[Marisa6826]

I went online and found a Doula out of Hoboken. The listing didn't specify post partum, but I thought, as another Hobokenite at heart, I could pick her brain. It turns out that she does PP work.

When I explained the situation and that I would need help while I was in the hospital, she said that she's never done childcare like that before, but that she might be willing to work something out for a cheaper rate (she normally charges $30/hr with a 3/hr day min) if she came here while I was in the hospital and brought her daughter with (who will be 18m in Dec). I told her that I wasn't opposed to that at all, as Sophie loves to play with other kids. That it would likely only be for a few hours a day, since I can arrange for Jonathan to take that week off.

She said she would over see me, Amelia and Sophie once I was home. She does light cooking and cleaning, will run errands and do laundry. While she isn't a LC, she can help with breast feeding. She also drives and can take me to the ped with the girls till I can get back on my feet.

I asked how long she normally takes on a family and she said it depends on me. Normally it's 3-5 hrs/day the first week every day, then it tapers off to sometimes every other day for a week or so.

She said she'd be happy to come here to talk to me. Normally she doesn't book so far in advance, but she understands my need to resolve this sooner than later. It's a huge chunk of money, but what do you think? I like the fact that she's a young Mom and that Sophie would have the diversion of a playmate while I'm gone. It might also help her adjust to having another child in the house.

The Doula completely understood that I might want to keep looking for alternatives, but would be happy to continue the dialogue, either via email or phone. I'm thinking I will call the agency I saw on craigslist.com, and also look into the college kid thing. For some reason though, I'm mentally putting more credibility with a Doula over a college kid. KWIM?

BTW, my Mother has been calling. I haven't been answering the phone. Thank God for Caller ID. She left a message last time around saying "we have to talk".

I'm just not up for that right now.

hugs

-m

[pritchettzoo]

Meet her and see how you like her. She could be just what you need. If she brings her child with her, I definitely think cutting her rate would be in order (she'd be saving on childcare after all!).

Do you want to give your mother my number? I'd be happy to field the call. Just say you're directing calls to your attorney from now on. ;) OR, there's always call block!

Anna

[papal]

First of all, big hugs to you Marisa! Gosh, your mom is being such a PITA at a time when she needs to be supportive and kind and gentle. Yuck.
If this is what she is like NOW, can you imagine how she will be when baby arrives. Ugh. I would definitely make sure that she is NOT around when Amelia arrives. It is stressful enough with a new baby, you do NOT need even more stress from your mom. She may help and everything but the mental stress is something you do not require.
This doula lady sounds like a great idea. If you can afford to keep her for a month or so... that would be fabulous. Jonathan can help out more in the first couple of weeks and when you feel you are back on your feet, the doula can still be there to transition you into managing by yourself. GET HER!!! You won't have to worry about house-stuff, she (or her daughter) will keep Sophie entertained and she will help with Amelia. Really, even Jonathan is going to be tired from all the night-wakings and such, you need someone else to help out.. this lady sounds perfect. I wish i lived closer girlie, i would have given you a break during the day by helping out around the house. Please stop stressing out over all this right now.. December is a long ways away. Now that your mom is not coming, you will be fine no matter what. I don't know if I am making any sense... i just think her coming is a really bad idea.. she does not sound EVIL but just a huge mental-burden. You don't need that now and you certainly don't need that when Amelia arrives.
Big hugs.. hope you are feeling better today.

[momathome]

Good for you, Marisa! The doula sounds like she would be a fantastic solution! Would your inlaws maybe be able to give you and Jonathan money as a holiday gift to go toward the doula? Just brainstorming here. Still, let me know if I can help at all - if it would help defray the doula costs, I would still be happy to keep Sophie for a few days. Take care and don't hesitate to call!

[tippy]

Hi,

Got your PM. I will send this info through PM as well but just in case you see it sooner here....

http://www.dona.org/FindingANonCertifiedDoula.html

[amazz]

M-

I am glad that you are being proactive about this and getting some info about the doula. I do want to encourage you to keep the college "kids" in mind as well. Especially those students who are majoring in early childhood or elementary education. I started out as an early childhood educaiton major and I can tell you that even in my first semester I learned so much about caring for small children. Also, to be a junior or a senior in this type of program, you have to be dedicated to taking care kids. This is what they want to do for the rest of their lives. They don't take it lightly. AND they are probably way cheaper than the doula. What I would do is call the college and ask for recommendations, then do interviews just like you would any other person (doula, daycare, etc). I think you might find you are suprised at how much they know and are in love with kids!!

Hope this all works out for you girly!!!
Angela
EDD 10/15/04
A baby is God's opinion that the world should go on. ~Carl Sandburg

[Eloise36]

You made the right decision!! You certainly do not need any more stress pre or post partum, and your mother would have given you so much stress if she spent a month at your place as originally planned.

Good luck and loads of hugs - I know you are going to find the right person(s) to help out in the next few months. The doula sounds perfect, and between her and Jonathan, it sounds like you have got things covered.

[tippy]

Hi!

My battery died while I was talking to you tonight (and it was fully charged when I started, LOL!). Sorry.

I just had a chance to pop on line before heading to la la land (I bought A LOT of groceries!

This situation sounds like a great option. It's good that she understands you want to keep looking (maybe you can use her in conjunction with someone else). I agree with pp that if she is bringing her dd she should definitely reduce her rate (figure how much does an hour of child care cost?) It doesn't sound like she brings her along when she does a "typical job" so hopefully she will be flexible in that respect.

Maybe if you find a Doula in training that is interested in Post Partum work they would be more open to the situation.

In any case, good luck with the whole thing. It's a real positive that you've already come across someone willing to work with you and I take this as a good sign!

Talk to you in the am.
Teva
Mom to AJ born 1-8-03


Edited for spelling :(

[alexsmommy]

Marisa,
I just had to respond - I know I always say I am a "child" psychologist - b/c I work in a children's hospital currently. My whole other area of interest in my private practice is prenancy, fertility, post-partum stress etc. I actually just quit my hospital job to pursue this - a whole different topic that might just cause me to start my first thread...however, I digress. You ABSOLUTELY did the right thing. I literally get referrals to come into therapy about this issue - and many women haven't had the courage you have to cut this stressful situation off this early. I also get women calling me post-partum hysterically asking me to "order" their mothers (or mother-in-laws) to leave. Pat yourself on the back for meeting your own emotional needs since your mother clearly cannot. The doula sounds like a great option. Sometimes just the peace of mind that you will have help is all you need to feel better faster post-partum. Best of luck and again, I wish many of the women I treated have learned to set boundaries as well as you have.

Alaina
Alex 2-4-03

[Marisa6826]

Alaina-

Sounds like a fascinating portion of your practice! Didn't know such a field existed.

I am feeling physically and mentally better since making the decision, just don't know how long I will be strong enough to deal with all the crap that comes with being my Mother's Daughter. I think I mentioned that she's already started calling and leaving messages on my machine (I refuse to answer the phone and Jonathan doesn't want to talk to her, either).

Thanks again - and BTW, Alex's birthday is a day after my wedding anniversary ;)

-m

[votre_ami03]

((((Marissa)))) Sorry you had to deal with this. Good thing you stood up to her though.


Christy, mommy to Nolan 7/22/03

http://lilypie.com/baby2/030722/1/7/2/-7/.png