OT-need advice re: child custody...long

[cinrein]

This is for my SIL, not us. My SIL lives in Lancaster, PA and has 2 kids. The oldest will be 10 next week and his sister will be 8 next month.

SIL and her scum of the earth husband are in the process of divorcing. SIL is a flight attendant, so she’s gone 2/3 days a week. It’s most often overnight.

SIL asked everyone she knew and retained supposedly the best divorce attorney in the county. She took a loan out to pay him a retainer. This week they had a custody hearing to decide where the kids are supposed to be until the divorce is final and custody is decided. My SIL tried repeatedly to contact her attorney and he failed to return her calls. He breezed in minutes before the hearing began and waived a paper in her face saying he assumed she’d seen it. She had not. It was her husband’s intent to request shared custody of the kids. Her lawyer then quickly asked her what she hoped to get out of the custody arrangement. She wanted full custody, with limited visitation by the father. Obviously there was no time to discuss how or why she wanted this, so my SIL feels really bad about the whole thing. She’s sure the father will get custody whenever she is working, plus every other weekend. That means some weeks she’ll barely see her kids. I am not kidding, she is hysterical over this. The entire family is hysterical.

I don’t know how the whole custody thing will play out. My SIL has witnesses willing to testify that he drinks and regularly drives drunk. The attorney’s did get him to sign an agreement that he will not drink in front of the children (which he violated the first weekend he had them). He’s had at least 2 affairs that he’s confessed to, probably a lot more. She found drug paraphernalia in his wallet, but stupidly confronted him about it. He’s also admitted to taking illegally-obtained steriods pretty much the whole marriage, though now that she knows about it he stopped (and he’s about half the size he was).

I’m mostly pissed about how her attorney handled the hearing. This can’t be right. She should not have been blindsighted. There’s a lot going on here and she’s never had a chance to sit down with him and go over it. Shouldn’t she know what his strategy is, what she’s within reason to ask for and what is unreasonable? She doesn’t. Fortunately I’ve never been in this situation, so I have no idea what’s normal. It just doesn’t seem right. Can any attorney's help point us in the right direction?

Cindy and Anna February 2003

[rrosen]

Cindy,
I am so sorry for what your SIL and kids are going through. My SIL has gone through a situation very much like it. Her ex is a total piece of trash. He has jumped from bed to bed since they were divorced (and had non stop affairs while they were together), he hit my SIL while they were together. He keeps losing jobs for reasons like he falls asleep or does not show up. He has not paid child support in 11 months. But still he has shared custody and gets the kids every other weekend, one night during the week, and one weeks vacation a year. Somehow the system does not work the way it should. The kids always turn up the losers unless they have parents that can both work in their best interests. In the case of my ex BIL he works only for his own interest. His first priority is to have a woman in his bed. It is very sad. I have nothing but the upmost sympathy for your SIL. I hope she is more successful than mine has been.

As for her Attorney, he should return calls, he makes his money that way. If she is not comfortable with him she should find someone else.

[Bethann31]

Unfortunately, child custody, no matter how frustrating, is often not decided by what a parent thinks is best. I too, have an ex-husband who ran around on me, his last mistress became his current wife. While we were married, they would take my children on vacations when I went out of town for any reason, they took the children to have "family" portraits taken, and they insisted that my children lie to me about everything. They even went so far as to try to find ways to drive me crazy enough to kill myself. Yet, even when I consulted the best attorney around, I was told that unless I could prove he was physically abusing them or causing great harm to them mentally (which I think he was, obviously)I could not get full custody, or if I could, it would absolutely bankrupt me and the kids would probably be in college before a final ruling was made. I now share 50% custody with him. They live about a mile from my home (another incredible pet peeve) and the kids live with him Monday - Monday and then me the next week. We have dinner with them on Wednesdays of the week they live with him. This is the way it is for many people I know here in GA.

It sucks sometimes. I'm a mom of 4 who was both mom and dad for several years while he worked in another state and ran around with his whore, and yet, half the time, I'm a mom to 1.

I'm not sure why I'm telling this, other than to wish her luck.

Beth

Josh 3/90
Mollie 4/92
Jeffrey 12/94
and Katherine 6/03

http://lilypie.com/baby2/030604/3/4/1/-5/.png

[pritchettzoo]

Attorneys do need to return calls. She can contact her state's Bar to look into filing a Bar complaint--they all have websites with the contact information. I strongly advise her to contact another attorney--breezing into court before a hearing THAT important without consulting your client is totally unacceptable.

Anna

[miki]

That lawyer took your SIL's retainer so she's a client. He has to return her phone calls and be prepared for court. Here is a link to the PA state bar assoc: http://www.pabar.org/mscfaq.shtml . See #20 for the contact information for filing a complaint and #18 for fee disputes. If I were in her position, I'd find another lawyer and get my retainer back.

[McQ]

Your BIL sounds like a real SOB. I know nothing about custody so I can't offer any insight there. But I would think that the lawyer accepted her money and needs to meet with her, strategize their plan and certainly return her calls. Hoping for the best. I can't imagine the fear of some jerk trying to take my children.

Allison
~ mommy to Declan 3.24.03
and number 2 EDD 9.14.04

[MamaKath]

Cindy,
What a terrible situation for those kids! I am not an attorney, however worked in a firm for many years. The advise given regarding disputes and such should be followed. She needs an attorney she is comfortable with and will fight for her and her kids. That said, she is being unrealistic in her expectation of full custody most likely. Had her attorney appropriately consulted with her prior to the hearing, she at least would not have been blindsided by that. To retain full custody when he wishes for shared custody, she will have to prove an ongoing neglect or abuse, from during the marriage and continued to the current time. It also requires that she can prove that while she is completely unavailable due to her work/travel routine, that the daycare she would use is a better environment than a chance to create/foster/develop a relationship with the other biologic parent. It is next to impossible to do! If she knows he is periodically getting drug tested (did she turn him in when she found the stuff in his wallet? was he caught using at some point? has he had any court hearings that would mandate them?) she can probably find out if he is passing or failing. Has he gotten any DUIs while the kids are IN the vehicle? Her testimony alone is not going to cut it at all. It is too easy for him to say "She is out to get me, she'll say anything so I can't see them." etc. She needs hard evidence that he is putting them physically in harms way on a regular basis over a long period of time. I will add this though Pa has a reputation of siding with moms often. Custody is also an issue she can expect to have revisited periodically until her children reach 18 since their needs and wants will change as they mature. As the kid of divorced parents, the whole custody thing is just rotten!!!!!!!!!!!! Really a rough thing, especially when the parents are fighting, angry, and just in general miserable about having been together/married since you are the product of that relationship with the person who is the focus of their resentment. Ugh, big suitcase worth of baggage for them to work out in therapy down the road in most cases. :-(

ETA: CHanged spelling, its late. :-)

[doubleL]

Sorry I have no advice, but sending hugs and prayers to this family.

Lou

[papal]

Cindy, what a huge mess this all sounds like! I have no advice but am just hoping that everything gets resolved in your SILs favour and the childrens best interest.. it must be so hard to see how your kids lives are not in your hands anymore.. just does not seem fair.
Hugs to you girlie.. please keep us updated on how everything turns out.

[JacksMommy]

Having worked with attorneys for years in a public defender's office where we had many wonderful attorneys who had very little time, I will say that quite often clients had unrealistic expectations about how much information their attorney needs to know in order to successfully fight their case. As a PP mentioned, it's pretty hard to impossible to get full custody unless you can prove the father is incompetent or abusive. The drinking/drug issue should certainly be brought up, but it's unlikely to be a factor unless it's proved that this makes him negligent or abusive. An attorney is unlikely to do much with the fact that he has had affairs since in the eyes of the law, that does not impact his ability to be a good parent. I remember a lot of client being upset about how little time their attny spent with them, but I still though they were given the best possible defense.

That being said, she is paying this person and does not have to stay with him. He should be returning her calls as a matter of courtesy and at least sit down with her in private prior to a hearing of any sort. PPs have offered good advice on how to handle this.

Another thing to remember is that no matter what happens, as a PP also pointed out, this can be revisited if your SIL is not happy with the results. She should report incidents invovlving abuse or neglect to child protective services to support a future effort the change the custody arrangements. A word of caution is that two can play that game, so she will want to be sure to report incidents without hysteria and with a good grasp of the facts, so that it doesn't look as though she is simply trying to get revenge on her husband (that's another reason not to focus on his having affairs - then her anger and subsquent actions are seen in the light of her being a woman scorned, sad but true).

I'm not saying these things because I think they are right, but as a social worker, I have a lot of experience with how the courts work - I'm just trying to give realistic advice to help you and your SIL.

Keep us posted, and good luck.
Laurel
Working Mama to Jack, 6/4/02
EDD #2 12/24/02

[votre_ami03]

I am going through divorce/custody as we speak. My XH verbally said he wanted 50/50 of our son, although he has kind of dropped the ball. My xh also drinks quite a bit, although according to him he is not an alcoholic (*lol*) & occasionally uses marijuana (sp?). I stressed this to my atty & he is pretty confident I will be granted sole custody. If anything, my xh will b granted supervised visitation.

Also, having come from a class on divorce, children & parenting I do know that based on research of children in divorced families that it is important for the child to have a relationship w/both parents. Now, in this case, it may need to be supervised. I think though your SIL might get dinged b/c she is gone for a few days a week & on over nights. They would most likely grant the "father" visitation for those days. "Sole Custody" is also a misnomer, she could have sole custody (which means she is the "custodial parent" - the one making the decisions) & the dad can still have visitation & over nights. The term "sole custody" though tends to make ppl react though.

In my state, a no fault state, it does not matter that the spouse cheated, which my xh is also guilty of. That stuff does not matter.

As far as the atty is concerned. He should of called her about the paperwork & not make assumptions. I know they have pelnty of clients & they can't remember everything about everyone, but that was pretty important! I have found for myself that I can't wait for my atty to call me either, I need to call him as often as I need to to get the answers I need.

This is based on what I know from my own case. Best wishes to your SIL, no matter what. This is a tough, tough thing to go through, I know. :)



Christy, mommy to Nolan 7/22/03

http://lilypie.com/baby2/030722/1/7/2/-7/.png