How to be a wonderful mom?

[llcoddington]

I am really struggling with this. My own mom and I have a rather tumultuous relationship and I'm honestly just not sure what the qualifications are of a wonderful mother. So, I'm hoping for some thoughts.

I really struggle with being negative. And, I think, if I don't change this, Lauren is going to grow up thinking that she is a "burden." At least, that's how I felt growing up.

More than anything in the world, I want Lauren to feel loved, wanted, secure and to know that she is so important to me and that I am thrilled that she is my daughter. So, how do I communicate that to her?

Lana
mommy to Lauren 12/5/03

[amp]

Lana - I don't know if you are different at home, but I have NEVER gotten the impression that you are negative or that Lauren is any kind of stress or burden to you. So, if I can't see it, as well as others on this board, I suspect it doesn't show as much as you think it does to her. I suspect, that she knows and will continue to know how much you love her. I have never doubted for one second that you have been a member here, that you love her dearly. There's never been any other impression to get!

That said, I too, can be very stressed, negative and a worrier! So I too worry about the impression that leaves on DS. I don't want him to always feel like his mom is stressed and grumpy and always mad. I try very hard to let much of my interaction with him to be fun and silly and lighthearted. It is a struggle daily to try to be upbeat and not stressed out and reactive. I catch myself often talking about what a challenge he's been rather than focusing on the fun stuff. And I make a daily, concerted effort to talk A LOT about all the good stuff...the stuff that awes me daily, so that I can keep it in the forefront of my mind. I worry that if I grouse about it and take it for granted, it'll be taken from me and I will regret how I lived it. So I try to always be aware of that and to try to make each day one I would not regret with Jacob should the worst happen.

I think that the fact that you are very aware of it will keep you from letting Lauren feel how you felt. I think that's something that happens with people are either not aware, or don't care. That doesn't describe you. I've also found that I'm not usually a terribly affectionate person with my family (parents/husband) and I cannot stop smooching my and hugging DS! That is one of the ways I keep it fresh in his mind that he is adored!

[janeybwild]

Lana, I am new to this mom thing too, and so am no expert. However, I have a wonderful relationship with my mom, and admire her greatly as a woman and a mom, so based on that, here are my thoughts. To me, the biggest messages I got growing up weren’t the spoken ones. It was my mom's actions and behaviors toward me (and my sibs too). I just knew she was proud of me, she gave me confidence to try anything, she is my toughest critic and my biggest fan. Her actions told me that every day she was glad I was her daughter. She wanted to spend time with me, it was never a chore. She encouraged my hobbies, she found time to spend time together doing things just for us. She was there to talk to always. She stayed involved, even during the tumultuous teenager years. If I messed up on something, she never had to give me "the lecture". Her disappointment was evident, and usually enough. She was never critical. Now, I try to be half the mom to Megan. If I do that, then I will be doing something right. I try not to be fake with Megan. I don't praise every little thing she does, but I am her biggest fan. There was also lots of cuddling and kissing in my house, and I am definitely carrying on that tradition. Kudos to you for thinking about this now, and working toward it. Lauren is a lucky girl to have a mom who wants the world for her.

[llcoddington]

"I catch myself often talking about what a challenge he's been rather than focusing on the fun stuff."

Exactly! I am really working on this! I have a tendency to be a "glass is half empty" person and this is something I want to change. For example, if someone asks me how I am doing, I would probably be more likely to say, "I'm tired. Lauren woke up 6 times last night and hasn't taken her naps." Rather than, "Good! We had fun today."

I have a feeling that it will take child #2 for me to realize how easy Lauren really is!

Lana
mommy to Lauren 12/5/03

[llcoddington]

Janey, your mom sounds wonderful! That is exactly how I wish to be! My MIL is similar. She is so proud of her kids... The cool thing is that she's not just proud because they are all successful at their chosen careers, but she is proud of their character.

Lana
mommy to Lauren 12/5/03

[jbowman]

Hi Lana!

I don't think there are any *qualifications*, but I am happy to share my thoughts based on my own relationship with my mom. I think the most important thing is to support your daughter and her decisions. I feel as if my mom never cared what I did (I'm talking career choices here, not playing with a lighter!) as long as it was something that I really wanted to do, and she never pushed me (for example--majoring in something, or getting certain grades, etc.). And although she didn't say it often (does a lot more lately), I've always known that she was proud of me.

She always let my sisters and I make decisions, down to the simplest ones (what kind of cereal do you want?, etc.) and my mom always talked to me like an adult (never patronizing, ever).

The absolute *key* to our relationship, though, has been her sense of humor! My parents have the most wonderful sense of humor, and have (I hope) passed this on to me. I think that seeps in to all aspects of my relationship with my mom. She's funny and fun, so I like hanging out with her! We've always had fun together. Even when I was a teenager, I liked hanging out with my parents.

Not sure if any of this made sense, but thought I'd try! And I am not saying that everyday was a day at the park at my house--we've had our problems!

From reading your posts, you seem like a very warm and caring mother, Lana. Hugs to you (and happy 9th-month birthday to Lauren!).

[mamahill]

Be just like me. But seriously folks. The one thing I do not want to mimic in my mom is that she always put herself down and said she was fat (which, at 140 lbs and 5'7" and having had 6 kids is definitely NOT). But I grew up thinking, "Mom thinks she's fat, and I'm built like her, so I must be fat." My mom didn't mean for it to carry over, but it did. So, #1- love yourself. Easier said than done, I know. But I have made a concerted effort to take compliments and not put myself down. And you know what? I feel better about myself.

#2 - love your spouse. I have never doubted my parents' love for me for a second, but more than that, I knew that they loved each other more. They were a team. That's not to say they didn't have their disagreements, but they made time for each other. They still do. They laugh together, and go out on dates. They travel and bike together. I always knew that I wanted a marriage where we were an equal partnership. And I felt secure in my family because I saw that our family had love before I got there (I'm the oldest).

#3 - love your kid(s). Make sure they know it. Yeah, you can be critical, but make sure they know how funny, smart, pretty, great they are, and that you feel blessed to be their mom.

Right now it's hard because Lauren isn't that old, but believe me, it gets so much more fun and enjoyable as they get older and discover new things. Just yesterday Ainsleigh was dancing around and doing something silly and I just shook my head and said, "Where did you COME from?!" and she said, "Upstairs."

It's ok to get frustrated, but when you feel the negativity setting in, focus on the GOOD things. What makes you happy? That's the key. Lauren is going to feed off your happiness.

Ok, so those 3 things may sound a little trite, but they're what I try to remember. Everything else is just extra. As long as I am happy to be me, am in love with DH, and my kid(s) know I love them, then I think we'll be fine.

[chlobo]

What a timely thread. I've been thinking about the same thing. I also had a tumultuous relationship. Thanks everyone for the great advice.

I will add one thing that I always found disappointing. My mother always praised me and my life to other people but never to me. So I would always hear about how "proud" my mother was of me from her friends (when I was way older) and never from her. She always gave me the impression that she disapproved of my choices and chosen path in life. So I know never to do that.

[jk3]

I agree! =)

Congratulations, Sarah. Just read your signature!

Jenn
DS 6/03

http://lilypie.com/baby2/030603/2/5/1/-5/.png

[brigmaman]

OMG- I'm crying reading these posts! (Just ignore that, it happens all the time, now!)
I just wanted to say that you are obviously such a caring mom...that shows in the fact that you are here and researching and asking questions (and from when Lauren was a newborn!) I'm sure that comes through to Lauren as much as it comes through to us. Soemtimes it is hard to focus on the positive- I find myself saying that the whole first year wasn't much fun. (I may get flamed for that, and I am incredibly appreciative of my son) but that's the way it felt. It was an off year for my marriage as well, making it even harder to enjoy. I'm not sure what helps with that, although it does seem to be easier to appreciate when others appreciate it. For example my family is absolutely enamoured with Brig. They LOVE everything that he does and that rubs off.
Okay this is getting long...
My mother sounds similar to Jill's mom in that she has ALWAYS been supportive of our decisions and has let us make our own mistakes. Now that I'm a mom, I realize that that actually takes effort (at least for me) because I so want to "baby" my baby and protect him. (Crying again...)
Anyway, some of the things I've drawn from her are:
stay positive
listen to what your children say, don't just hear it
always let your children know you love them, don't assume they know it. (My mom says I love you whenever we are getting off the phone or saying goodbye)
Ok...off to call mom...

[KBecks]

Well, I'm not a mom yet, but here are a few thoughts.

I had a wonderful father, and my mom was very loving but also very insecure and introverted. So I have a mixed bag of experiences. I'm also reading several books on raising boys, since I'm going to have a son soon.

1. This one I learned from marriage counseling - have fun, and like the old song goes, accentuate the positive, eliminate the negative. My dad had a positive attitude and rarely showed stress or lots of frustration in front of me. A great book I've read on positive attitude is Norman Vincent Peale's the Power of Positive Thinking. It has many references to prayer and faith, you can decide if that would be helpful for you.

2. Try to stay calm when you're angry. And try not to sweat the small stuff.

3. Teach your kids things so they will feel proud and confident of their skills. I wish my mom taught me more things, like how to cook, how to clean, etc., but she preferred to do those things herself because she wanted them done just right. I ended up feeling like I was not good and/or lazy, and lacked confidence in those skills. My mom was also fairly negative -- sometimes telling me not to aspire to big things in life, because she didn't want me to fail. I think you've got to allow your kids to experience success and failures, and support them through any of it. Kids have to be allowe dto fail in order to learn, and they need to learn to deal with their feelings and change their approach when they don't succeed.

4. Watch out for stuff that your mom did that may be unconsciously "programmed" into you. Early in my marriage, I learned that I would fight sometimes as visciously as my mom -- using very emotional statements that I knew would hit DH where it hurt most. Be careful, espeically when you're frustrated or angry to think about how you're going to deal with it, because you're setting an example for how your child will also deal with frustration and anger when they get upset.

5. Have a life of your own. I really wish that my mom had outside interests, but she was only involved in the family, and I didn't get to see her having a "normal" adult life with friends and social experiences.

A last word on negativity -- It can run in families. I met the grandmother of a friend once, who was very negative, and could easily spot the trend in her mother and in my friend. So embrace happiness and fun in your life whenever possible.

Hope this is helpful, I'm sure you're doing great.

KBecks

[Kieransmom]

<For example, if someone asks me how I am doing, I would probably be more likely to say, "I'm tired. Lauren woke up 6 times last night and hasn't taken her naps." Rather than, "Good! We had fun today.">

I understand this. I was never really a negative person until DS was born and I became a stay at home mom. I suppose it is the feeling of isolation and lack of sleep. I complain all the time which I never did before and I don't want that to leave an impression on DS.

Just because you have a rocky relationship with your mom doesn't mean it will happen to you and Lauren. I always think of my dad when I hear that someone had a not-so great parent-child relationship. He grew up poor, the third child out of four. His father was an alcoholic and his mother was (and still is) off her rocker and both very abusive both mentally and physically. His older brothers abused him too. My father decided to not be like them and put himself through college and medical school and is a Physician and a very active member of the South Jersey/Philadelphia area. One would NEVER know he was raised in such abusive conditions by his positive nature. With that I have to say my father is an amazing dad. He gave us everything he never had. He is a very huggy man and very affectionate. He doesn't think twice about hugging and kissing his grown boys and daughter in front of a crowd.

The good thing is is that you recognize the pattern that the negativity causes. I've never read anything but positive posts from you about Lauren so it looks like you're doing a great job being a great mom. :-)

Michelle
Mommy to Kieran, born 5/9/03

[llcoddington]

First of all, congratulations! I am getting baby fever just by coming to these boards!

Secondly, your first point is so true. My mom is obsessed with looks- her own and other people's. So, we all grew up with an unhealthy attitude about the importance of looks. DH's mom has never mentioned the way anyone looks- good or bad. It's just not something she focuses on. And, all her kids have a pretty healthy self-esteem. My mom used to tell me that I am built just like my aunt. Now, that was not very nice considering that my aunt is very overweight and pearshaped. Yes, I'm pear-shaped but at the time, I was a 5'7, 110 lb. bird! But, I thought I was big because I looked at my aunt and thought, "Mom says I am shaped just like her."

My 14 yr. old brother is obsessed with his perception of his big behind. My mom has commented that my brother has a behind like my dad's side of the family. She doesn't outright say, "You have a big behind" but my brother is not dumb. My brother told my dad what my mom said and my dad's response was, "I'd rather have a big behind than no behind!" (My parents are divorced and love to jab each other like this.)

I'm not meaning to go off on my mom. I know she is very insecure and that explains much of her behavior. This is just one area I will NOT repeat. And I know that it begins with me! So, loving myself is probably the hardest of the three you mentioned.

P.S. That's really cute what Ainsleigh said!

Lana
mommy to Lauren 12/5/03

[llcoddington]

I think I have the Power of Positive Thinking. DH is always buying me books like that! Thanks- I'll try to read it.

I especially like your third point. My mom did teach me how to cook, clean, sew (although I seem to have forgotten the sewing lessons!), etc. I hadn't thought of that as being really important so that my kids can feel proud and confident. I just thought of it as important from a practical standpoint. I'll keep that in mind.

Lana
mommy to Lauren 12/5/03

[Vajrastorm]

This is a subject close to my heart. I too have a less than ideal relationship with my mother, and I do not want to follow in her mothering footsteps. I also tend to focus on the negative.

I am working at counteracting the negativity. Not by faking enthusiasm, but by finding real things to be enthusiastic about and bringing those to mind. I'm not trying to deny my negative feelings, but I've found stuffing things backfires. Rather, when I catch myself being negative, I tell myself "ok" and change the mental subject. I "feed" the positive thoughts instead of the negative.

One thing that drove me insane (and still does) about my mom is that her words and her actions don't always match. She is very good at saying all the right things. Kids can see through that kind of thing - I always could.

Being a mother has really brought up all my ambivilance about my own mom.

[egoldber]

I did not have a good relationship with my parents either, so this is something that I also think a lot about. I have also found myself being very negative, especially over the last year. I think part of it is that this has been a very hard year for me emotionally, and I have recently realized (duh!) that this has colored my reactions to a lot of other aspects of my life, including DD. So I am trying to be super conscious NOT to do that when I catch myself.

I also totally agree with making time for yourself. You cannot be there for others if you have nothing left to give emotionally. I think that SAHMs often tend to fall into this trap. I know that when I make the time to go to the gym, get my hair done, go to a mom's night out, whatever, that it makes a world of difference in my attitude. And making time for the relationship with your partner is so important as well.

I know that the thing that I do NOT want to replicate from my parents is that I honestly never felt loved for just being me. I felt like I had to meet a set of expectations in order to be loved and that was something I had to work a LONG LONG time as an adult to overcome.

[starrynight]

There is no one way to be a great mom, there are so many! :D I didn't have a great childhood and I didn't have a good relationship with my mom for a long time. I basically did everything the opposite of her and got it right! (I think LOL)

Lots of hugs and tickles and the kids know they are loved, when Lauren is a bit older include her in basic tasks. Yes it takes 3x as long to fold laundry with a toddler taking socks everywhere and yes it takes longer to load the dishwasher with the silverware thief helping but it's important to make them feel included and proud. There are times I don't want help or I'm too tired to have helpers so I wait until they go to bed or I get them busy with something else first, it's less disappointing to them then to be told "no you won't do it right".

Let her cook with you, I have the best memories of cooking with my dad and I have some great ones of cooking with my own kids! It teaches them measuring, basic skills and they are so proud of themselves when they help!

Make time for them, it is hard to have time for the house and yourself and the kids but it's important, even if it's 5 minutes and you have already done that puzzle 4 times today, try your best to do it again! Or at least redirect to some other toy etc., my mom wouldn't play with us ever and when we asked she would occassionally read with us but she often shooed us away :(. And no I am not super mom and there are days that I veg with them and watch movies all day because I am too exhausted to play much but if I at least try most of the time to blow bubbles and have fun the kids will be fine.

The very most important one though is not to speak harshly to your child, I'm not saying don't be firm or not to discipline. I mean don't say shut up and things like that, not saying you do or ever would but even if that is the only thing you do right it is so important. It has taken me a long time to get over my verbal abuse as a child and even still it haunts me at times :(. Shut up was the least horrible thing I heard growing up, my brother got it also.

And let them make mistakes, I basically follow the natural consequence route IE: you don't share I take the toy, you don't put it away you are the one stuck looking for it when you want it later, not me. It teaches them independance and basic life issues like sharing and what not, it's good for them and builds pride and confidence in a child and gives you a lot less things to battle over!!

In the end just have fun and be silly!! My mom never danced with us or played tea party or anything like that and it is the most fun doing it with my own kids. :)

[mamicka]

If I had anything brilliant to say, I wish it had been this. You really said it wonderfully. & Congratulations on #2!

[lrucci]

Lana,

First of all, from everything that I have read from you - you already are a wonderful mom. So start by giving yourself credit. Also as pp have said, the fact that you are worried about this and that you are asking counts for a lot.

You have gotten some great responses so far, so I'll just share my thoughts.

I am fairly new to being a mom and I really worry about this to. I am trying to do what feels right and what comes naturally to me. I have always had a great relationship with my mom and I love and respect her dearly. Therefore, from my perspective being a wonderful mom is being like my mother.

The most important thing my mother has taught me is that actions speak louder than words. I give dd a lot of attention - just by cuddling with her when she needs it, reading to her, giving an encouraging smile, or a hug.

I have always felt like my mother is my biggest cheerleader and toughest critic. Ever since I can remember, she had the "you can do it" attitude toward me, always encouraging me to do my best. If I did something well she let me know, if I screwed up she let me know that too. I can always count on her for an honest opinion.

She has always been very supportive of my decisions -even when I knew she didn't always agree with them. Although it was hard for her, she watched me make some mistakes and deal with disappointment along the way. But.. she was always there for me. She taught me that it is ok to laugh and that having a sense of humor is important.

My parents gave me a lot of freedom, but there were always boundaries. I resented the boudaries growing up, but I am SO thankful for them now.

As others have said, you need to make time for yourself. It is hard to be upbeat and positive if you are feeling tired and run down. Even if it is just taking an extra long shower or a drive to the store, it is amazing how refreshed I feel after some alone time.

If you do what you feel is right and act on what is in your heart, Lauren will be one lucky little girl to have you for a mommy.

Lisa
Mom to Kyleigh 7/19/03