jerseygirl07067
09-15-2004, 11:38 PM
Gosh, I couldn't figure out how to word this post so I will try to best explain what happened today. Suffice to say, I was in tears tonight after explaining my day to my DH.
Just a little background, DD is almost 9 months old and I have been working full time (80% from home and 20% at the office) since she was 3 1/2 months old. (This is definitely not by choice, I'd not work at all if I could afford it.) We usually have someone come to our home 10-15 hours per week to watch DD, so I can go to the office and do some things there that I can't do at home. For the most part it works out well and there have been weeks where I had to juggle doing my job and taking care of DD without the sitter (if a problem arose) It was very stressfull, and tiring but doable.
Just to elaborate about my job, I am a team leader and am responsible for auditing paperwork, which I can do during hours of my own choosing. I do this part often when DD is sleeping, and on Sunday. However, I am also responsible for being available on cell phone for 8 hours a day mon-friday. Often these calls involve putting out fires, or acting as a liason between departments and staff members. That is the part that gets stressful, sometimes my phone rings and then I am stuck on a 30 minute call, or there is some issue that arises that needs to be handled ASAP that I have not control over. I am trying to do the best job I can, even more so because my boss has allowed me to have this opportunity to work from home, and I guess I am trying to prove myself.
Which brings me to today....DD was having an especially fussy day today, wouldn't nap, wanted more attention which I felt like I did a crappy job of giving her. My phone was ringing off the hook, and I got to the point where I said to heck with it, I will have to wait until she takes a nap. Well sometimes I think these babies are so smart they can detect when things aren't right and mom's really stressed, so wouldn't you know it she didn't nap very long (out of the norm for her) and that made her even more fussy and wanting attention. Well she seemed to calm down, and then I got a phone call and needed to problem solve on the phone with one of the clinicians, so I was on for a while. DD starts getting really fussy, crying, I picked her up and carried her around while writing things down regarding this issue I was handling,continuing to be stuck on the phone, she's pulling at my hair, the phone, the paper I'm writing on...you get the picture. (This happens when I use my hands free set also.)
Then I continue getting phone call after phone call of all of this "crap" that needs to be taken care of NOW, and this needs to be done, and that. I can't get DD to play independently at all, even after trying to give her some good one on one time for a while. She continues to whine and fuss, and I feel like I'm in the middle of a Calgon take me away commercial. Not only that, my home phone is ringing but I ignore that one.
Anyway, I guess I just lost it and started yelling at DD. I would never have hit or shaken her, I just want to make that clear!! But I clearly lost my temper and took it out on her, on my poor little innocent baby that I have mothered and carried around for 9 months and then nine months more. I am beating myself up over this and cried to my DH about it, including now. I feel like I my reaction was wrong, but I am concerned about my ability to handle this kind of stress.
I know that many moms that work out of the home would envy my situation, but sometimes I feel like it's not all it's cracked up to be. I feel like I am having to do two full time jobs at once!! The pressure definitely gets to me on some of the more hectic days. I just don't know how much longer I can keep this up. I don't want to put DD in daycare, and we are looking into finding someone that might be able to cover more hours. But until then I need to get a handle on my emotions.
To top it off, we want to have a second baby soon, but I told my husband that I WILL NOT continue this type of schedule should baby #2 come along. Nor do I think I can handle this if I do become pregnant again. We have agreed to try to save up as much money as possible over the next year, so that when #2 comes I don't have to go back to work full time, or I could at least go part time.
Luckily my DH has been understanding, but I feel totally awful about what happened today. I don't want to let it happen again, and I know I will continue to have these extrememly stressful days until I can stop working. Thank goodness I go on a two week vacation in two weeks. I have not taken any days off since March.
Anyway, I am sad, and I just wanted to vent...I feel just awful
Thanks for listening...
Marcy
Just a little background, DD is almost 9 months old and I have been working full time (80% from home and 20% at the office) since she was 3 1/2 months old. (This is definitely not by choice, I'd not work at all if I could afford it.) We usually have someone come to our home 10-15 hours per week to watch DD, so I can go to the office and do some things there that I can't do at home. For the most part it works out well and there have been weeks where I had to juggle doing my job and taking care of DD without the sitter (if a problem arose) It was very stressfull, and tiring but doable.
Just to elaborate about my job, I am a team leader and am responsible for auditing paperwork, which I can do during hours of my own choosing. I do this part often when DD is sleeping, and on Sunday. However, I am also responsible for being available on cell phone for 8 hours a day mon-friday. Often these calls involve putting out fires, or acting as a liason between departments and staff members. That is the part that gets stressful, sometimes my phone rings and then I am stuck on a 30 minute call, or there is some issue that arises that needs to be handled ASAP that I have not control over. I am trying to do the best job I can, even more so because my boss has allowed me to have this opportunity to work from home, and I guess I am trying to prove myself.
Which brings me to today....DD was having an especially fussy day today, wouldn't nap, wanted more attention which I felt like I did a crappy job of giving her. My phone was ringing off the hook, and I got to the point where I said to heck with it, I will have to wait until she takes a nap. Well sometimes I think these babies are so smart they can detect when things aren't right and mom's really stressed, so wouldn't you know it she didn't nap very long (out of the norm for her) and that made her even more fussy and wanting attention. Well she seemed to calm down, and then I got a phone call and needed to problem solve on the phone with one of the clinicians, so I was on for a while. DD starts getting really fussy, crying, I picked her up and carried her around while writing things down regarding this issue I was handling,continuing to be stuck on the phone, she's pulling at my hair, the phone, the paper I'm writing on...you get the picture. (This happens when I use my hands free set also.)
Then I continue getting phone call after phone call of all of this "crap" that needs to be taken care of NOW, and this needs to be done, and that. I can't get DD to play independently at all, even after trying to give her some good one on one time for a while. She continues to whine and fuss, and I feel like I'm in the middle of a Calgon take me away commercial. Not only that, my home phone is ringing but I ignore that one.
Anyway, I guess I just lost it and started yelling at DD. I would never have hit or shaken her, I just want to make that clear!! But I clearly lost my temper and took it out on her, on my poor little innocent baby that I have mothered and carried around for 9 months and then nine months more. I am beating myself up over this and cried to my DH about it, including now. I feel like I my reaction was wrong, but I am concerned about my ability to handle this kind of stress.
I know that many moms that work out of the home would envy my situation, but sometimes I feel like it's not all it's cracked up to be. I feel like I am having to do two full time jobs at once!! The pressure definitely gets to me on some of the more hectic days. I just don't know how much longer I can keep this up. I don't want to put DD in daycare, and we are looking into finding someone that might be able to cover more hours. But until then I need to get a handle on my emotions.
To top it off, we want to have a second baby soon, but I told my husband that I WILL NOT continue this type of schedule should baby #2 come along. Nor do I think I can handle this if I do become pregnant again. We have agreed to try to save up as much money as possible over the next year, so that when #2 comes I don't have to go back to work full time, or I could at least go part time.
Luckily my DH has been understanding, but I feel totally awful about what happened today. I don't want to let it happen again, and I know I will continue to have these extrememly stressful days until I can stop working. Thank goodness I go on a two week vacation in two weeks. I have not taken any days off since March.
Anyway, I am sad, and I just wanted to vent...I feel just awful
Thanks for listening...
Marcy