Need a pep talk

[Mom to Brandon and 2 cats]

I need a pep talk.

Tell me I'm doing the right thing by staying at home to raise my child (and foregoing a 6-figure income!).

Tell me I'm doing the right thing by moving into an old house in a good school district, and leaving my new 6-year old house in an okay school district. We'll be incurring higher property taxes, and mortgage, as well as putting in lots of sweat equity into fixing it up....

I guess I'm feeling a little stressed over money right now.

[brittone2]

You are ;) Nothing against moms who do work outside of the home, as everyone has to do what is right for them. Before DH and I got married we decided we would not get trapped into the big house, expensive cars, etc. and not have the option of me staying home if that is what I wanted.

We went through infertility treatments to conceive DS and that made me sure that I wanted to devote myself full time to mothering if I ever became pregnant. I have a master's degree and left a good job to stay home with DS. I don't regret it. Sometimes it is tough not having a lot of adult interaction, no "external" kudos, etc. but in the end, I know it will make a difference in my relationship with DS.

Give it some time. If you regret your decision you can always go back, but these years are precious and if you want to be home with your child, then by all means, please know it is the most important job in all the earth :)

[Misha412]

Jennifer:

You are absolutely doing the right thing! There are so many women out there who must use daycare (I'm one of them right now) and would love to trade places with you. Think of the great memories your son will have of all the time he got to spend with you one-on-one. In twenty years, he's not going to remember the granite countertops in your kitchen, a $600 stroller or whether his onesies were from Walmart or BabyGap. What he will treasure are memories of a caring mother who loved him enough to make such sacrifices for him. Hopefully, he will also appreciate it when that great schooling gets him into Yale!!!

Due to a recent promotion for me, we now have the means for my DH quit his job (which he hates) and go back to school, so he can be at home with our son during the day. I couldn't be happier about it. For us, it means we stay in our house a few more years (same thing as you -- older house in fantastic school district) and drive one of our cars a little longer than we'd planned. But the fact that my two guys get to spend their days together makes it all worth it!

Stop worrying about the money -- everything will work out! Just enjoy that little peanut every day you can!


PS: I am not meaning to hurt or offend any parents out there who must both work simply to survive -- I know from experience how hard it is and you have my total respect and admiration....

[cilantromapuche]

I really thought that I wanted to stay home and I did for one year and I was exhausted. My son's personality was that he was so social and high energy. He is in the best daycare, loves it and he sleeps better at night because he is tired. I am happier and more well rested. I always thought some of these mothers were lying when they said they would rather work. It goes to show that you can't read into the future. We had paid off our house, etc. so it wasn't about the money but my sanity. I enjoy my time with him at home and am at home by 3.
Don't make too many changes at once. That makes things much more difficult. Do you have to move? One can only handle so much change!
Chris
mama to Abe

[KBecks]

On staying home.... you have plenty of time in your life to make money, but your kids are only little for a short while. If you want to go back to work, it's always an option, and there will be opportunities for you when you're ready to work again. Have faith.

As for the house...knowing nothing about the house or your finances or the schools, I can't say much. If your little one is a baby now, you have time on your side if you want to wait a little while before making the move.
Doing a fix-up with a baby might be challenging, and the costs of repairs on one income might be stresful. Only your family can decide if you're confident and comfortable with that decision.

Good luck,
KBecks

[dowlinal]

Only you know what is right for you and your family but I think that you will never regret being a mom. Due to various circumstances I need to work for the next 11 months because of a one year commitment I made but after that I will happily return to being Mom also forgoing a six figure income. (unfortunately that income wouldn't start until next year) Money definately freaks me out a little, but I honestly believe that the time with DD will be priceless. I keep telling myself that in 10 years I can go back to being a lawyer but I wouldn't be able to redo these years as mom.

I am typing this from my desk at my "dream job" and all I want to do is quit and go home to dd. In fact I need to end my post or I will have another unfortunate crying outburst. I know that for some people this works, but for me and it sounds like for you, the money isn't worth the lost mommy time. I think that you are absolutely doing the right thing and someday your child will thank you for it!

[mudder17]

Jennifer, I really think you're doing the right thing to stay home and raise your child, at least right now. He will always remember you being there for him and spending quality time with him. These years will never come back, and while it may not be the easiest thing in the world to go back to work after taking years off, it would be much harder to get these years back with your son. Sometimes I miss being at school and working with my students and spending time with my colleagues (and having lots of adult interaction). And the money wasn't bad, either! But I love being at home with DD and looking around for other mommies and kids to be friends with, and watching DD interact with other children and growing and learning. I would not go back to my old job even if they offered me a 6 figure income (not that they would, but that's another story!).

In terms of moving--well, as PP said, you don't HAVE to move now. Your son is still young, so unless you'd miss out on a really good deal, you can take some time on that decision. It might help for you to quit your job first, adjust to that, and then take the time to find a house in a good school district that you really love.

Hugs to you and good luck!


Eileen

Mother of Beautiful Kaya
http://www.babysfirstsite.org/newtickers/ticker/16994.birthday.png

http://www.gynosaur.com/assets/ribbons/ribbon_garnet_6m.gif Breastfed 6 months and counting

[jk3]

Only you can decide if you are doing the right thing. And by the way, I personally do not believe there is one right way. Staying home is the right way for many moms + working is the right way for many moms too.

Currently I'm on a 2 year leave + our money situation is very different now that I'm not working. We also bought a fixer-upper in an excellent district so while money is on the tighter side, we are also trying to renovate + turn our house into a home. Personally, it feels right for me to be at home with our DS. At this point, I would have a difficult time leaving DS for the majority of his waking hours. I think I would be worse off than he would be since he is an outgoing, adaptable child but my DH + I both think it's important for me to be at home with our DS until he is 2. One of my closest friends returned to work when her DS was approx. 6 months old. He is in an excellent daycare and my friend loves her job so this situation is working out exceptionally well for them.

It seems that if you are happy with your current role, than it's the right decision. If you are lamenting over loss of income + loss of your career, than it might not be.

Jenn
DS 6/03

http://lilypie.com/baby2/030603/2/5/1/-5/.png

[Mom to Brandon and 2 cats]

Thanks to everyone for their kind words! I'm feeling a little better now that I've vented.

Yes, this time with DS is precious. I know my DH misses my income, but for me, it's totally worth it to be home. I am gladly exchanging my Nine West shoes for Walmart clogs (and I'm a shoe-aholic!).

As for moving, well, we signed the papers already. I think I'm just a little worried about carrying 2 mortgages until our current house sells.

Y'all are great!

[suribear]

I just emailed you.

Kris

[JenCA]

No one else can validate your situation except for you. If you are happy being a SAHM, then you are doing the right thing! ;) Best wishes to you, and don't stress. Issues surrounding money always seem to work themselves out.

[KrisM]

Oops - double posted.

[KrisM]

We made the decision for me to stay home before we were even married. I have 3 engineering degrees and was working in the auto industry as an engineer. My husband and I had nearly identical salaries, so we gave up half the household income. Even though I was sure this was what I wanted to do, it was really hard to actually resign. I miss having the people to talk to and the challenge of my job. However, I love being home with my son. I do drop in at work every few weeks, just to stay in touch and that helps.

If you have a newborn, I will say that it's only gotten easier and more fun up to 5 months now. It was a lot harder when all he did was eat and want to be held. Now, we can play and stuff and I enjoy it much more.

Remember that your decision doesn't have to be a permanent one. You might not go back to the same job or the same house, but you don't have to stay at home forever.

[sarahfran]

Hi Jennifer.
You've had lots of great thoughts already, but thought I'd throw a few more logs on the fire. I recently quit my job to stay home (DS is now 1 yr). It was a really tough decision-- after building a career over the course of 10 long years, it's very rattling to suddenly be dependent and unemployed. Money is a stress now, but mostly I've been concerned about redefining my sense of self and the difficulty of rejoining the workforce later.

That said, the transformation has been great. My son has been thriving, and I swear that I love him more deeply every day. I'm so thankful that I can be with him to share in each new development. His latest-- giving hugs. He nuzzles in to my neck and gives me a hug with a little pat on the back. It's incredible.

Life is so rich now that I'm home. I feel really good about my decision to be a SAHM (or to quote Dr. Sears, "Early Childhood Specialist").

Wishing you the best,
-Sarah
Mom to Dylan, 8/18/03

:) Motherhood is such a joy! :)

[nola]

Oh, I am so glad you said that. I am working mom and loving the situation. I sometimes feel guilty for not feeling guilty. And Anna is doing great. I could not have asked for a happier kid. The thing is that I believe in at-home parenting; I believe you get out what you invest in it; I believe in quantity and quality time. Nonetheless I knew this arrangement was the right one for me.

[starrynight]

In that situation I would be stressed about money also. If it feels right then you are doing the right thing. There is no right or wrong answer to this one kwim? Good luck!

[ChicagoMama]

I quit my job in Feb and gave up a six-figure income. But I also gave up a grueling travel schedule and the expectation that I would work no fewer than 60 hours per week and work on weekends, as well -- so I'm not sure if your work situation is similar. We are living on 1/3 of the money we used to...but somehow the money is working out. It has a magical way of appearing when we need it, and it's not a source of stress. So my advice would be not to sweat the money. You can always make more money if you get into a crisis situation. We also have a modest home in a fabulous school district - something that we planned ahead of time so that we wouldn't be house poor and without the flexibility to have different work options for either of us if we needed it. I think a modest home can be one way to buy your family some flexibility - and for us, that ended up being the most important thing at the time.

I stayed at home exclusively for six months, and now I have a part-time job teaching two classes at a community college. Not for the money, but for the career development and adult interaction. My kids are blossoming in the 12 hours per week that they spend in someone else's care (their grandma and a lovely babysitter), and I feel I am blossoming as well. But the 6 months of exclusive SAHM work was wonderful, too. And I wouldn't be comfortable at this point with more work. 12 hours per week away from them is enough.

Things will ebb and flow for you even after you make your decision and your life will weave a new pattern. Following my instincts has always worked for me.

On the shoe thing!! - you may even find that you are having so much fun (or that you are being run ragged, depending on the week) with your kids that you don't shop as much as you used to -- so you may even be able to buy that one pair of nine west shoes because that's really the only new pair you need! I am saving so much money this way. And if you stay away from the reality layette, diapering, baby gear, and other bargain message boards here, that will help too (*wink*).


Becky

Mama to DDs Shelby 09/19/02 and Sydney 10/16/03