Wedding Woes- Would You Be Hurt Too?

[Kieransmom]

My best friend is getting married this coming April 23rd. We have been friends since 5th grade. She was my Maid of Honor and is my son's Godmother. She has not officially asked any of her friends to be in her wedding party because she's been studying for her boards.

I get a call from her today just to chat and she started getting this almost rehearsed voice and tells me she's going to have one of her friend's daughters (who will be almost 3 1/2 at the wedding) as her flower girl. I'm waiting for her to say something about having Kieran as her ring bearer...nothing. At the time of this conversation my son was spilling his milk all over my new carpet and I wasn't in the right frame of mind to "discuss" it. I kind of just said..."oh, that's great" or something like that.

I know my friend better than anything. I know the tone of voice she used when she was telling me this. She is the type of person who has to discuss a situation with ALL of her friends before she speaks to the person who she needs to discuss something with. She may be 31 but she's still very immature. So I KNOW she rehearsed telling me that she was having her friend's kid in her wedding but not mine with everyone. She said that it is because they are coming in from Boston and they don't have anyone to watch her. She just assumes I have my parents. I think it's an excuse. Kieran will be 2 at her wedding. He's a well behaved boy in public if not a total ham. Oh, and he's not invited to the wedding either. I don't get it.

Do I have a right to be upset or is it a situation where it's her wedding and I need to suck it up? I wasn't expecting Kieran to be asked to be in the wedding, but I also wasn't expecting her to ask this friend's little girl to be in it without him. (We're her only friends with kids)

Michelle
Mommy to Kieran, born 5/9/03

[Saartje]

Suck it up, it's her wedding. It's not worth your getting upset or allowing this to damage a long-standing friendship because your feelings are hurt.

That doesn't mean you can't feel hurt -- feelings are feelings, after all -- but that's how I'd look at it to get past the hurt, myself. (I'd probably be more upset that she was so afraid I'd make a scene and be upset with her that she had to rehearse telling me beforehand with others, but that's me.)

I can see asking her why, in a relaxed, "Oh, I was wondering why... No big deal, I just wondered" fashion; but no matter what the answer is, it is her wedding, and whether you ask or not I feel you need to just accept what she says graciously.

Hope I'm not rambling, or saying anything hurtful to you. I'm not feeling well, so the internal editor isn't functioning at full speed. Sorry about that, and sorry your feeling are hurt, Michelle.

[Marisa6826]

Sorry, but I think you need to suck it up. It's her day, she gets to play queen and call all the shots.

If nothing else, it will be a nice grownup evening out for your and your husband. That would NOT be the case if your two year old was there. Believe me. I have a two year old ;).

-m

[lisaE]

I would be hurt. Not so much over the fact that my kid wasn't in the wedding, but that other kids will be there, yet my kid isn't invited. That being said, I agree with the others. You just have to suck it up. What's the option? Make a stink and possibly damage your friendship? She will understand just how rude this is one day when she has a kid.

[Kieransmom]

I am not planning on making a stink at all. I may not even mention that I'm upset. I know it's her wedding. I just remember when I was planning my wedding that, and I don't remember which book it was in, but it was "all" or no one. We ended up not inviting any kids because we didn't want DH's sister's maniac kids there. All of our friends understood when we explained it to them. They know her kids and knew that they would make a stink at a black tie affair.

Michelle
Mommy to Kieran, born 5/9/03

[mom2kandj]

I'm going to go with sucking it up. IMO, 2 is on the young side to be in a wedding, but I know how you feel as SIL fails to include my kids in anything.

Yes, my feelings would be hurt, but I'd probably say something in passing so that she would *get it* that it bugged me, but that I was over it. Something to the effect of, "You know ____, I was kind of bummed that you didn't ask Kieran to be in your wedding, but in hindsight, I know that you just had my best interests at heart. I'm so glad that you realized that we could party and have an adult night out without the little guy."

HTH!


Rose
mom 2 Katie 12/02/00
& Jack 04/16/02

[Jeanmick]

Yeah, I agree w/ the PPs. I think this is a time where you going to have to suck it up and let it go.

I can understand your hurt feelings. You're best friends, after all. Unfortunately, she didn't approach the topic straight forward with you and tell you that she wasn't going to include your DS and why. That makes it uncomfortable, I'm sure.

FWIW, when my brother got married, my DD was 2 1/2 years and wasn't asked to be a flower girl. Sure we were disappointed, but they had a requirement at the church they were getting married at that the children involved w/ the wedding party had to be at least three years old. Maybe she's doesn't want your DS to be a ring bearer because he may be too young in her opinion? Who knows...

[Saartje]

The rule about inviting all children or none doesn't apply to children in the wedding party.

A random thought I just had: Could it be that she just doesn't want such a young boy carrying expensive jewelry?

[momathome]

Michelle - I get where you are coming from. I went through a similar situation last year with a good friend of mine whom I thought was going to have Liza be her flower girl based on previous conversations. She then told me that she was sorry but her fiancee had a couple of nieces who were going to be in the wedding party instead. No problem, I completely understood that and I let it drop immediately. A few months later, I found out that she asked a mutual friend of ours' dd to be her flower girl - the kid was 2, Liza was 5, I was in shock and pretty upset. I know our mutual friend well enough to know that she probably insisted her dd be the flower girl and the bride just didn't back down but it was still hurtful and took me a while to get over it. By the time the wedding rolled around, to which both of my girls were invited to attend, I decided to suck it up and act pleasant for the sake of the friendship, although it was hard to see the darling little flower girl and not have evil thoughts that it should have been Liza. }(
Go easy on yourself and try to let it go if you can, at least to her face, anyway. ;) Take care!

[C99]

Would I be hurt? Probably not. I've been to enough weddings with kids to know that they NEVER behave as if you'd expect them to, and the younger the kid, the less likely they are to walk down the aisle. A 2-year-old just isn't old enough to make it down the aisle by himself.

My brother got married last year. He and his bride decided on an "adult reception." I found it funny since they were barely adults themselves, but I did tell my brother that if his 7-month-old nephew wasn't welcome at the reception, I wouldn't be there either. To be honest, I was more upset that I wasn't part of the wedding party than that my son wasn't -- and even then it wasn't a big deal.

[JElaineB]

I haven't read the other replies...but don't be upset. Your son will not be old enough to be ring-bearer next April 23. I speak from experience! Jacob was to be ring-bearer at my sister's wedding this past weekend, less than a week after he turned 2. It was planned a year ago and I thought he would be MUCH more mature by his second birthday. I was wrong. There is no way he could have processed down the aisle (the flower girl didn't want to hold his hand, but I don't think that would have worked anyway). He (and DH) made it through maybe 10 minutes of the ceremony and then went outside for the rest. It was a miracle we got him in some pictures - we'll see how they come out! He was ring-bearer in name only. I think it would be way more stressful for you if she did want him to be ringbearer. And if he doesn't get invited don't be upset - TRUST ME you will have a better time without him there. I know both my husband and I would have had a better time without DS (but there truly was no one else to watch him as we had travelled halfway across the country to go). DS *was* very well behaved (for a 2 year old) but still you have to constantly attend to him. If he isn't invited, go, enjoy and don't stress or be upset!

Jennifer
mom to Jacob 9/27/02

[jubilee]

My littlest is about the same age as your son, and I totally wouldn't let him be a ringbarer... even at two years old. Maybe at 4 years old. Plus, you don't have to spend all that money on the matching tux and stuff he'll only wear once! A friend's child was a ring barer and I think she said they spend over $200 on the rental tux, shoes, etc. I say thank you friend for not asking your son to be in the wedding- then go on a fun shopping spree for clothes your son will really like!

[Dcclerk]

I absolutely would be hurt. No feeling is wrong and you have every right to be hurt. You have a wonderful little boy who would look gorgeous in a tux, she's your best friend, she's Kieran's godmother... all signs point to him being the ring-bearer. (At least that is how I would feel, if I were you.)


That being said, I really do think that you, Kieran and the rest of the bridal party will be happier because he will not be in the wedding. First, it would be one more level of stress for you, when you will inevitably be attending to a best friend with high nerves. Second, it means that you would not really be able to relax and truly celebrate with her, which is such a high point in her life. Third, being in a wedding party for anyone is really expensive. And fourth, you want Kieran's first time being in a wedding to be fun and special for him. At such an early age, it just wouldn't be understood.

Hugs to you. It will turn out that this is the best decision. But I wish that feelings didn't have to get hurt in the process.