Is this my hormones or is she not being fair?

[mamicka]

So I'm about 12 weeks preggo, as is one of my best friends (actually 9 weeks). She & her DH TTC for years & went through 3 IVFs unsuccessfully, went through all the adoption stuff & just finished it up when they found out they were preggo, naturally! We are sooooo excited for them. (They're still doing the adoption, but after they deliver).

Anyway, we're both really excited, not only that we're preggo but that we're doing it together. When I had DS none of my close friends could relate... (& this friend lived several states away, now she lives 15 minutes away). So we've talked & talked & talked about how cool it is & how we're feeling, baby shopping, etc. But every once in a while, she'll say something like, "I know you're excited about being pregnant but I'm even MORE excited". I feel like she's trying to emphasize that she's happier about her pregnancy than I am about mine & I don't think it's fair. Granted, I don't know what it's like to be her & have the heartache of TTC unsuccessfully, but neither does she know how I feel. Why does there even have to be a comparison?

I haven't said anything & don't know if I ever would, but am I way off in being a little miffed?

I'm asking for total honesty, even if you think I'm being a bitch. I AM hormonal, I know I'm capable of bitchy.

Thanks.
Allison

[jubilee]

I think it's odd that she would say that she is more excited than you. I personally would call her on it- I'd say "I'm sure you are not trying to make me feel bad. But I feel pretty excited too, just as excited as you are. This time is wonderful for BOTH of us."

[barbarhow]

I don't think its your hormones at all. She cannot and should not, for that matter, presume that she knows how you feel about anything-best friend or not. On the empathetic side when she says something like this it might help for you to say something like "Oh it must feel so wonderful after all that you have gone through."
I have had a similar experience with a coworker her told me the other day that I had never felt pain like she was going through. I know her well enough to know that she wanted me to mention my L&D so that she could tell me that what she was going through was much worse than that. I chose not to go anywhere near it.
I definately do not think that you are hormonal. I don't blame you for being miffed. I bet that at some point she will "forget" that she is happier than you are. I would be tempted to try and let it slide.

Barbara-mom to Jack 3/27/03, a Red Sox fan
expecting #2, a Yankee fan, around 5/9/05!

[houseof3boys]

She just wants acknowledgement for what they went through to get there that's all. There isn't a comparison or contest of excitement since you both are thrilled but for her she just sounds like she needs a little more.

I don't think you are being bitchy at all. She is just needy for attention at their success. It took us lots of infertility treatment to have Ryan so I can understand her point of wanting hers to be "more" than yours (not that it's right). Try not to let it get to you and just ignore her comments. :)

Congratulations, btw!!!!

[mamahill]

I'm not excusing what she has to say, but I will say this - when I was pregnant the first time, I'd look at moms who were pg with #2 (or more) and think, "This must not be as exciting this time around for them, since they already know everything." Two things wrong with that thought - #1, that they weren't as excited, and #2- that they knew everything.

I think it's weird of her to say that, and you should tell her you're a little confused by what she means. It could be she is as naive about it as I was, and it could be that she is making up for years of TTC heartache.

And, FWIW, I'm very excited this time around, and for some reason can't remember a lot of the first pregnancy - so in a way it seems new again. :) Have I congratulated you on your pregnancy yet? There seems to be an influx. Congratulations!

[sbjf]

Hi Allison,

As a woman myself who took a couple of years to get pg with my son I gotta say that even I think your friend is out of line for saying that. I don't think she's trying to hurt you but she obviously believes that she is more excited and grateful about the miracle of life growing inside her than women who get pregnant more easily than her.

I really like what Julie suggested as a response, it's non confrontational/non threatening, yet it will express how you feel clearly and in a friendly manner.

I just want to share a situation that I myself am in right now. My current pg was a fairly big surprise, not because we were using birth control (we weren't) but because I had taken 2 years to get pg the first time (and a lot of medical help), plus I was breastfeeding my 3 month old. At the same time, my friend who has two kids from two different ivf treatments got a surprise pg as well (she was trying, but like me didn't have high hopes). So we are actually pretty parallel in that respect. However, from day one she has been comparing our pregnancies (which are only days apart). Now, another thing you need to know is that both of us have suffered a m/c before, so pg symptoms are our best friend, they are the signs that our pg's are healthy, so she is constantly waving her major pg symptoms in my face, for example: her belly is already HUGE, she is wearing mat. clothes already, someone asked her what she's having (at 9 weeks along!), she's so nauseous all the time, her baby was moving like crazy at the u/s today (mine was not at our u/s on Wed.-but h/b was good). Just constantly things like that. And while I want to celebrate with her (and I do to HER), inside I am feeling badly because it just makes me feel crappy about my pg sometimes. I'm not going to say anything to her though, I'm just going to deal and stay positive about my pg. I think I'll be ok because my pg with John was the same way really, very easy on me, which should be a good thing, but not to women who have miscarried in the past.

AH! Thanks for letting ME vent in your thread! Sorry!!!

Hey, congrats on your pregnancy!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Kieransmom]

Yes, I think this would bother me too. Unfortunately I'm the type of person who lets it get all bottled up until one day I can't take it any more and I freak out on them. I don't recommend letting that happen if you're like that too. You may want to say something like "(Name), I know that you're excited because this is your first and you've waited forever for this pregnancy but it really bothers me when you say you're more excited than I am...." or something like that and explain why you feel this way.

Michelle
Mommy to Kieran, born 5/9/03

[MelissaTC]

If you feel uncomfortable, I would definitely call her on it. I can only imagine how elated I would be if I was able to conceive without any assistance. I totally understand where she is coming from but at the same time, it is not very nice of her to assume that her feelings are that much more than yours but she is probably still pinching herself that this is all real. It is easy to get self absorbed, ykwim? I like the pp approach to it so that is how I would address it. But I really think you should so the two of you can continue to enjoy your pregnancies together!

[smilequeen]

I think what she's feeling is normal given what she's been through. It may not be correct, it may not be rational, but it's normal. It isn't nice of her to say it out loud like that to you, and it isn't fair to compare like that. You have a right to be a little upset, but honestly, I'd probably just let it slide and just remember that she's been through a hell to get pregnant that isn't fair to her and her dh either. We went through some painful experiences getting pregnant, and being pregnant is awesome and exciting and a dream come true, but it doesn't erase all the pain and feelings that we experienced getting here, and less than rational thoughts, jealousy, etc. still run through my head sometimes too. I'm glad that most of my friends can understand where I'm coming from and support me, even when I'm irrational about something.

[egoldber]

In total honesty, before I had my TTC troubles with #2, I would have felt exactly as you do. Now looking at it from the other side, I understand totally how she feels. While I do think that its a little odd for her to say anything like that out loud, I think she is expressing what many, many women who have had trouble TTC feel inside. It is a very common feeling.

And I will say that while I was excited to be pregnant with DD, it was NOTHING compared to how I feel compared to arriving at 12 weeks with this little blob. Honestly, I feel like I have been through an emotional war to get here. Not to say that those who have not been through troubles TTC are not excited about their pregnancies, but it gives you a totally different perspective. You take nothing for granted.

But I do think its odd for her to say that to you. Perhaps, as someone else mentioned, she is just looking for some acknowledgement over the difficulties she has had. If she's a really good friend, I would ignore it. Or, just say something like "I know you've been through hell to get here. I'm so happy for you." And leave it at that.

HTH,