Calling all lawyers... or people with divorce experience...

[abigailsmom]

Me again. I have found a new low... being treated and talked to like crap. I am finally ready to be a big girl and get myself (and hopefully my daughter) out of this situation. I guess that I have finally accepted that things just cannot be fixed. My husband told me that he gave up several months ago. I now feel like a real idiot for asking him to keep trying (again and again).

ok... enough of that... this is not a B!tch!n' Post thread!!! This is a call to action for myself.

I really need to know what are important things to ask a lawyer. I am currently looking for one in SC and I want to know what to ask when I find a good one. How do you tell if it is a good one?

ANY advice or tips will be appreciated! I need to get my life back on a happy track and I can use all of whatever you have.

Sorry to be a downer on this board, but I really don't have anywhere else to turn.

Robyn
Mama to Abigail

Robyn's Nest Creations

[cmo]

If anyone else you know has been through a divorce, ask if they were happy with how their lawyer handled it, and if not, what were the weak points? If you think you may be in for a fight on any issues ($$$, custody, who gets the house, etc.), you may want someone who is a bit of a shark. By shark, I mean someone who will aggressively pursue what YOU want. It should also be someone you are comfortable talking to, and being prompt and responsive to your phone calls and inquiries goes a long way in terms of keeping you informed and up to date.

I'm sorry you have to go through this; I hope it will all come out OK in the end. I'm in GA, not SC, but I can do a little more digging for you if you get stuck.

Chris (attorney's wife)

[jubilee]

I'm not a lawyer, but I have been divorced. From my experience a good lawyer is a big asset. I just had a lawyer look over the paperwork and not actually represent me, and that came back to bite me. Old long have you been married? I had been married 9 years, and if I had been married 10 years I would have had rights to my ex's social security once I turned 65. If that is your case, maybe you would want to stall the divorce.

A big thing for me was the division of assets and debts. I had been a stay at home mom and had no income. So my ex got the house and most all of the debts. I did keep a car, furnishings, etc. This was all drawn up in the divorce paperwork. Decide what you want before you see the lawyer, and what is not important to you. Ask the lawyer if you are getting a fair deal.

Cancel and divide the credit cards. This was one I forgot about and the lawyer didn't tell me. We had several cards in both our names, but since they were without a balance, I forgot about them. Well, my ex charged them up- and I got stuck once he wouldn't pay the bills. So, before he knows what hits him, get your name or his name off each card- even the gas cards. Tell your insurance company and get a separate auto policy for just you. That way if he gets in an accident, you aren't hit for a higher bill. Every bill divide and get just one person's name on it. I thought I could trust my ex with stuff, but I was WRONG! He screwed me over on everything from the water bill to charging up credit cards, and even defaulting on the mortgage.

Of the utmost importance was Jacob's safety. I had insisted on soul custody, but he was going to have visitation. Soul custody was a good decision for me- I wasn't going to consult my ex on things like where I could live, what school Jacob would go to, etc. I wanted to make all those decisions. I fought and won that. I also was supposed to get child support. Again, I thought I could trust my ex, so I had it where he could just pay me directly. DUMB, DUMB, DUMB! In retrospect, I would have it set up through the state. Then the state gets after him if he doesn't pay, and in fact it would have been directly taken from his paycheck. In the end, my ex was $35,000 behind in child support and alimony. He never paid me a penny.

Because I had been a stay at home mom, I insisted on getting alimony. The judge agreed, but again I never ended up seeing a penny.

I guess my statement is: no matter how much you trust your ex: DON'T! I just you can see how burnt I was. In the end, I got remarried, my ex decided to give up parental rights (and therefore didn't have to pay child support, which he wasn't paying anyway), and my son was adopted by my husband. We are all thrilled with that!!

I'm sure this is a rough, low time of your life. I am more than happy to be a sounding board to you. Email me if you want, and I can even give you my phone number too. I'll keep you and your daughter in my thoughts,

[August Mom]

Robyn,

I'm so sorry that you have to go through this. I'm a lawyer but not one that does domestic relations. I can't remember - are you all living in SC or do you want to move there without DH? There are issues surrounding taking your child out of state in a divorce situation, so you should definitely discuss that with a divorce attorney in your state before doing that.

The best way to find a good attorney is by referral. If you know someone that has been through a divorce and was happy with the attorney, that's a place to start. The other thing to do is to ask other attorneys you know for a referral to a divorce attorney. If none of those things work, you can call the local bar association for a referral. Unfortunately, I don't know any attorneys in SC.

The most important thing when you meet your lawyer is that you feel like the attorney listens to you and you can trust him/her. If it will be hotly contested divorce, you may not want to go with someone who seems meek or passive. You should ask about experience (how many contested divorces she/he has handled; how many cutody disputes; what was the outcome), fees (how much upfront, hourly rate, other fee setup), who will be handling your case (you might have an initial consultation with a partner but the case might be assigned to someone else, in which case you would want to meet that person and go over his/her experience, etc.), who else would be involved if there was a custody dispute (guardian ad litum, social worker or whoever) and the general procedure that you would be going through. The more that your DH and you can agree on, the easier it will be, but you don't want to agree to whatever DH wants just to make it smoother sailing.

You can interview several different attorneys to find a good fit. In general, I would recommend going with an attorney who only does domestic relations. And, if you go with a smaller firm (or even a solo practitioner), the fees are generally less than if you hire a large or medium-sized firm.

Best of luck in this difficult situation.

[NEVE and TRISTAN]

Robyn I have no attorney advice at all but know you will get some great advice here...
BUT I did want to say please don't think you are being a downer or that you should watch what you say here...we are here for you. I actually think a cyber community when we need help is better than anything for it is hard to speak with folks who know you both I would assume.

Statistically many of us will be in these shoes some day. We are here for eachother in the good and the bad!!!!

Remember to survival is the best revenge...
We are all here for you!!!!

Big hugs honey,

Neve and Tristan born Feb 25, 2003
* EDD 3/19/05 IT'S A GIRL
* DOSSIER IN THE HANDS OF TRANSLATOR

http://home.nc.rr.com/ourbabytristan

[Puddy73]

Robyn, I'm so sorry to hear that you are going through this. I am an attorney, but I don't handle domestic cases. Are you and DH planning to move to SC? If you are living in GA, you will need to file your divorce case in GA and you will need a GA attorney. I'll ask around and try to find some recommendations for you in the Augusta area.

Big cyber-hugs to you!


Jennifer
Mommy to Annabelle Mae 9/8/03

"Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away."

[new_mommy25]

(((((((((((ROBYN)))))))))) I just want to give you hugs. I'm not a lawyer but I am a good listener. If you ever just need to talk please email me anytime at Angelita1225 @ msn.com (no spaces).

[abigailsmom]

Jennifer,

We live in SC now, but play, school and work in GA. You know what I mean? So I need a SC attorney. Thanks for the offer.

Robyn
Mama to Abigail

Robyn's Nest Creations

[kalebsmama]

Robyn, I'm so sorry you are going through this. I'm also not a lawyer, but have been through a divorce. I would second Julie's advice about the credit cards etc. My lawyer also did not warn me about things. We did a dissolution, and agreed that we would each keep a car, sell the house and split the gains etc. Well, the car that my ex kept was in both of our names. About a year later, my ex lost his job (long story) and ended up having his car re-posessed (sp?) for not making payments. Well, I ended up being responsible for the balance due on the loan. I also was being asked to pay for a credit card balance that he ran up quite high. I ended up getting out of that one due to a computer glitch at the bank - another long story!
So, please take care to separate all of your finances and everything that is in both names. I never would have dreamed that my ex would lose his job. He was making a decent salary but went through a tough time in a relationship and things fell apart for him.
Take care of yourself and your DD. I'll be thinking of you both as you go through this difficult time.

[Rachels]

Just wanted to offer some support and say that I'm sorry that you're going through such a hard time. Please don't beat yourself up for not taking action sooner-- you're not ready until you're ready, and there's no shame in being hopeful about a marriage. Thinking of you...

-Rachel
Mom to Abigail Rose
5/18/02


"When you know better, you do better."
Maya Angelou

http://www.gynosaur.com/assets/ribbons/ribbon_sapphire_24m.gif Two years and counting!

[amp]

Robyn - I know you've been going through the ringer with this and I'm sorry you are still having so much trouble. I applaud you for wanting to make it work for all of your sakes, and I hope in the end, whatever happens (divorce or not), you will know that you did all you could and that you end up better off for it and find some joy again, for you and for Abigail. And don't apologize for coming here for support. You can find it anytime. Hugs to you!

[Dcclerk]

I am really sorry that you are going through this. It is truly a horrible, horrible situation to go through a divorce, and everyone can understand really wanting to try everything before you throw in the towel. Good for you for trying everything and trying to get your husband to work on it. I can't give legal advice and this is definitely not, but I can suggest the following:

If you are not the person in charge of finances, you need to get up to speed now. Every single account should be documented as to the assets in them as of the date of separation. Think retirement accounts, mutual funds, checking accounts, everything. If you are worried that he will screw you monetarily, do what you can to open new accounts and pour half of the assets into these new accounts (or more, if you think you will be awarded support and he won't pay). I have no idea the laws in your state, but in most states assets acquired during the marriage will be split 50-50.

Now check on your other policies-- life, car, death, health. How much are the premiums? You may need to know that if he starts not paying for things he normally would pay.

Finding attorneys that fight hard are good, but I honestly think that finding ones that are well-connected are sometimes better. I have seen time and again that attorneys who are well-connected are given the benefit of the doubt by the judges. You have to choose the "sharks" wisely. I've seen cases lost because the attorney was vigorously pursuing his clients' position, but it wasn't reasonable and his advocacy was more annoying than helpful.

You need to find one that listens to you, will pursue vigorously what you want, but will also tell you the reality of your case. A "yes-person" will not do you any good, if it is not a realistic view. You will spend a ton of money, time and energy on positions that just can't win.

If someone doesn't call you back promptly after you retain them, get rid of them. It doesn't bode well for the future. You need someone paying attention to your case.

It will almost always be cheaper and better to settle, if you can. Your husband may not be someone you will be able to settle with, but if you realistically know what you are entitled to and what you want, it is a good avenue to pursue.

Please keep coming back for support; we're here for you.

Hugs.

[lizajane]

my sister is a family law attorney in VA. she wouldn't know the laws in SC, but may be able to answer some general questions. email me if you want me to ask her a few things. i could forward a message to her.

[abigailsmom]

Thanks to everyone who has taken the time to read my message and especially to those who have offered support or advice. The hugs are the best thing I have read all day.

I am trying to do this one day at a time so please keep me in your prayers. More importantly please keep my Pooper in your thoughts and your prayers! I am so afraid that this is going to effect her in a bad way!

Thank you again for all of those that have contacted me on and off the boards!

Robyn
Mama to Abigail

Robyn's Nest Creations

[deenass]

Robyn,

The amazing thing about kids (especially little ones) is that they are resilliant and getting yourself and your child out of a situation that is not emotionally healthy will benefit you both in the end.

Good luck to both of you.

[jbowman]

Hi Robyn!

I'm thinking about you and Abigail. I wish you the best of luck. Clearly you are a very loving mother who is doing the right thing.

[votre_ami03]

Robyn,

My xh & I seperated just b/f Nolan was born (after years of TTC). This, at the time was one of the hardest things I had ever been faced with. I tried, like you to keep my family together & hoped he would come around, he didn't. I drug my feet for a while until it finally sunk in. Just over one year later, I can tell you I am one happy woman. :) I am enjoying my life & raising my beautiful child on my own. My divorce was final just last month, although emotionally it has been for some time.

As far as an Atty, I asked around. I asked friends, family & they asked their friends too. I took my mom w/me to my consultation for moral support. She is also a good judge of character. :) It's really hard to say, but I just went with my gut & he was able to get me what I was asking for. Also in my favor, my xh didn't file his stuff & I won by default.

If you ever need someone to chat with, I am an e-mail away. [email protected]


Christy, mommy to Nolan 7/22/03

http://lilypie.com/baby2/030722/1/7/2/-7/.png

[starrynight]

I see you have already gotten some good advice ((hugs)) good luck Robyn.

[barbarhow]

Robyn-Having been through a nasty divorce that should have happened long before it actually did I so understand where you are coming from. It takes alot of courage to end a marriage. It really does. I actually think that it is easier to stay in a bad relationship than to believe and trust that life can be better on your own.
As far as a lawyer goes-trust your instincts. Make sure that you feel that the lawyer is listening to you. I believe that lawyers can be like men-you don't click with everyone and it is okay to shop around. You want the best one for you and that may not be ther same one who was the best for your friend or your neighbor.
Lots of hugs are being sent your way. My thoughts are with you and Abigail in this really difficult time.
Barbara-mom to Jack 3/27/03, a Red Sox fan
expecting #2, a Yankee fan, around 5/9/05!