Sorry so morbid: How do you discuss death with your child?

[jadamom]

I am planning on bringing my dtrs (ages 2 1/2 years and 2 months) to their grandfather's funeral (open casket). How do I answer her questions about death? Has anyone been through this? Thanks for your help!

[Marisa6826]

I think it depends on your own belief system If it was me, I would tell your daughter as simply as possible that Grandpa died and she will see him one day in Heaven, but not for a very long time. I wouldn't lie to her, but wouldn't be elaborate either. A 2-1/2 year old isn't looking for philosophical discussion, KWIM?

I saw your other post about taking them to the funeral . I didn't realise that one would be old enough to be aware of the situation. I am going to be honest with you here. Since it's an open casket, I'd rethink having your older daughter at the wake (where there is a viewing of your FIL's body). My father died just three days before my 10th birthday. I realise that there's a significant difference in age, but seeing him in an open casket is how I now remember him. Not as I knew him when he was living. She might not be old enough to formulate enough memories of him alive.

Also, she might be young enough to believe that Grandpa is sleeping and is going to come back. Be prepared for her to continue to ask for a long while when Grandpa is coming to visit. I just don't think that 2-1/2 year olds have the capacity to understand the finality of the situation.

You can certainly take her if it will make you and your DH feel more comfortable, but I ask that you reconsider this option.

I am sorry for your loss.

-m

[Melanie]

I also would rethink having your children there with the open casket. If they knew their grandfather (and therefore would recognize him), I think it might be frightening and scary at their age.

My condolences to your family.

ETA...if it was not open casket, or was a memorial service, then I would bring them.

[bostonsmama]

I don't know. I might still take them. Your 2-month old will not have any cognizance of what is going on (besides the fact that you are upset emotionally). My father, as a minister, talked with my siblings and I early on about death (as he did so many funerals), and so we weren't afraid of it/embarrassed to talk about it. I was 5 years old when my Nana died, and I remember reaching into the casket to touch her face at the funeral. It was unique and bizarre, but a good way to have some closure. Those are NOT the only incidents that dominate my memories. But like PPs said, everyone's concept of death is personal.

I came across a great article from Parents Magazine that I think you'll find helpful. It talks about how to be honest and open in an age-appropriate way. The author/psychologist who wrote the article was acutely aware of the lasting effects of dealing with the situation inappropriately...and that she actually favored a more open approach with her toddlers/preschoolers.

http://www.parents.com/articles/ages_and_stages/3222.jsp

Check it out. And once again, my condolences to you and your family at this time of mourning.

[jadamom]

Hmmm...good points, everyone. Thanks for your input and especially for the article. It's very helpful. :)

[Calmegja2]

>I think it depends on your own belief system If it was me, I
>would tell your daughter as simply as possible that Grandpa
>died and she will see him one day in Heaven, but not for a
>very long time. I wouldn't lie to her, but wouldn't be
>elaborate either. A 2-1/2 year old isn't looking for
>philosophical discussion, KWIM?
>
>I saw your other post about taking them to the funeral . I
>didn't realise that one would be old enough to be aware of the
>situation. I am going to be honest with you here. Since it's
>an open casket, I'd rethink having your older daughter at the
>wake (where there is a viewing of your FIL's body). My father
>died just three days before my 10th birthday. I realise that
>there's a significant difference in age, but seeing him in an
>open casket is how I now remember him. Not as I knew him when
>he was living. She might not be old enough to formulate
>enough memories of him alive.


Very, very wisely said. I completely concur.

I am so very sorry for your loss.

[g-mama]

My mom died of cancer when my ds had just turned 3. He didn't ask as many questions as I might have thought since he is very observant and extremely inquisitive. I suppose the questions that I thought would arise would have been too philosophical at his age.

I told him grandma went to heaven to be with God and that was about it. Of course, this was a very painful time for me and he saw me cry a lot. He would just look at me and say, "do you miss your mommy?" and "it's okay, mama, she's in heaven and not sick anymore." (sniff, sniff) So he just accepted the little bit that I told him about it because it is over their heads at that age.

Good luck with everything.

Kristen
Paolo 11-00
Benjamin 8-03

[jubilee]

You've gotten some great advice, and I simply wanted to add that when my son has asked difficult questions I've asked him in return what he thought. Like when my son was about 3 years old: "Mommy, where did kitty go when he died?" "What do you think, Jacob?" "Well, I think kitty is flying in the clouds chasing yarn." Then we just had some time remembering kitty and his love of chasing everything from yarn to a beam of light. It gives the child a chance to voice their concerns and actually doesn't go over their head with too much info.

[toomanystrollers]

I'm sorry for your loss.

My dad died when dd was 4 and we didn't bring her to the wake or funeral. She was very close with her Buppa and I knew I wasn't emotionally up to all her questions. And I'd rather have her memories of Bup when he was alive, not laid out in a casket.

Tess and her brother attended the gathering at my mom's house following the services. They definitely helped lighten the mood and the relatives got to spend time with them.