Need Advice - IL's Kids Becomming A Bad Influence...

[Kieransmom]

on Kieran. I just don't know how to go about approaching my SIL without it sounding like I'm criticizing the way she's raising her children. (although if you've read my previous posts about them you know I don't)

As you may already know my SIL is the anti-social one who really doesn't balance her children's homeschooling with socialization. They have very few friends and pretty much beg me to bring Kieran over to their house once a week so they could play with him and I could do what I needed. I welcomed the break at first and really appreciated the thought. However, I started noticing a difference in Kieran's interaction with the children in playgroup/Gymboree etc in the past month since they've been doing this.

Thursday I caught him wrestling down a little girl at Gymboree and being a bit rough with the other kids. This is all new and he was never like this before. SIL's kids play extremely rough. They think it's fun to tackle eachother (the 10 year old tackles the 4 year old) then covers his face with a blanket and tries to suffocate him. SIL thinks it's a riot. They also run around with fake machine guns and start shooting at Kieran and hand him one to play too. I am TOTALLY against guns!

I am very careful with what I let Kieran watch. Pretty much nothing but Sesame Street and The Wiggles. I want to raise a kind and thoughtful child and will not let him watch anything with violence or anything that a 17 month old shouldn't be watching. We're at my SIL's tonight to celebrate DH's birthday and they have Kieran in the TV room watching a really violent Power Rangers movie. No wonder their 4 year old runs around kicking and punching the other kids. And SIL turned it on for them so "Kieran can watch the Power Rangers". Well, when I noticed that this was on I scooped him up from the couch, grabbed my bags, told my SIL he was too young to watch the Power Rangers, said thanks for dinner and left.

I have already discussed this with a friend, my mom and DH tonight. No one really knew of a good way to approach her. DH says not to take him to their house once a week but wasn't sure what I should say. We can't totally avoid them...they live 5 doors down from us. I really need to say something but what? What can I say it without totally insulting her?

Michelle
Mommy to Kieran, born 5/9/03

[ginalc]

What an awful situation!!!!!!

My words of wisdom include "Least said, least mended!" Whatever you say can (and probably will) come back to haunt you.

You might suggest to her that you feel that you and Kieran (your family) need to spend more time together and Gymboree and your responsibilities in the home are more than enough stimulation for him right now. Sounds to me like Kieran's a little stressed out by spending time with the older children!?! You might share your concerns about him physically taking down someone smaller than himself in Gymboree, but chances are, she considers this normal behavior and mentioning it probably won't get you anywhere.

With my in-laws, I simply limit our visits. We go for short time periods and not very often. We don't live nearly as close as you do to yours, but I find that if I limit phone conversations to less than 3 minutes (I use an egg timer) and stand up while on the phone, it helps me break away quicker. I quickly ask, "Is there anything else you needed? I'm really busy and need to get going" and that helps prevent long discussions.

It also helps to have an "agenda" and somewhere to go. On Tuesdays we go to the library, on Thursdays, grocery shopping, I have daily "play-dates" with my little ones for 2 hours during which time I DON'T answer the phone, and daily from 3-4 in the afternoon we have DEAR time (Drop Everything And Read) so I'm not stretching the truth when I say that I'm busy busy busy! :)

I don't believe it would be a stretch for you to suggest that you're busy mothering Kieran all day long too! :)

Good luck,

gina, mom to 3
baby brother or sister due 5/8/05

edited for clarity!

[Marisa6826]

Honestly Michelle, I think that you need to identify your priorities and stick to them. Kieran is most important. As sad as it is to say, these other children have their own Mother, and she makes her choices, as you need to make your own.

If you feel in your gut (as it sounds you do) that it's not a healthy environment for Kieran, then you need to step up and make sure that he's protected - physically, emotionally and mentally - from any factors that you feel aren't appropriate for him.

Since your DH is willing to stand up and say that you shouldn't go to his sister's house, then you know that it's not all in your head.

I'm sorry if I'm being blunt, but it's our job to follow our Mommy instincts.

hugs

-m

[Mommy_Again]

I've only read this and your last post regarding this situations, but from the little I know, it doesn't sound like your SIL is a very rational person. Because of that, I wouldn't hold out much hope that talking to her would bring forth a solution.

If it were my child, I would limit interaction as much as possible in order to prevent any further negative influence. While they do live 5 doors down, I believe you said she doesn't get out much so that should make things a little easier for you.

When you do have to do family get togethers, you could do them at your house so you can control what is on TV and make certain rules (i.e when you're in my house, no tackling, rough housing, etc.)

I know how nice it is to be able to get out by yourself and get errands done. But as a PP said, Kieran is your #1 priority so you will have to bring him along or find someone else to care for him.

Good luck.

[pritchettzoo]

Can you use the age difference as an excuse for the weekly playdate? Something like, "I'm sure he'll appreciate having cousins close by when he's older, but for now it's just too tough finding activities that are age-appropriate for all of them."

For family dinners that are pretty much unavoidable, bring a video that would interest everyone. (Muppets? The Incredible Journey?) Or keep DS with you..."No thanks, I'll just keep an eye on him here. The Power Rangers are a little out of his league." And supervise when he plays with them. If they start playing with guns, find another activity for your son and say, "Sweetie, no guns. Let's put this puzzle together over here." If they start acting violent toward your son, step in to protect him as you would if an older child were bullying him on the playground. If he acts violent toward them, you can direct his behavior: "No, Kieran, we don't hit/kick/punch/smother people. If you can't play nicely, we will go home."

I don't think there is a way to approach her per se. Your actions can speak louder than words, to use a cliche. If she asks you, "You haven't brought Kieran by in a while. Is something wrong?" You can reply something noncommital but vaguely honest like, "Oh, no. We've been busy. I haven't had time to come watch the boys play. You know what a nervous nelly I am...I just think sometimes all the boys including Kieran himself forget how little he is. He was picking up so much that was beyond him developmentally. I want him to stay my baby for as long as possible." Let her think you're weird! ;)

Of course, DH needs to be on the same page as you so he can say the same kind of stuff when they ask him the same questions.

Anna

[Tondi G]

I agree that children learn by example and if your nephews play rough and he has suddenly become a bit rough in his play with other children then he is probably learning it from them! My son also went through a bit of a rough phase right around the time he turned two.... but with guidance and mommy explaining and redirecting his behavior he is now a gentle 3 year old and plays pretty nicely with other!

There is nothing wrong with explaining it to your SIL.... if she takes offence to it then that is ultimatly her problem! If you don't let your child watch power rangers then so be it! My son is now over 3 and he has yet to see power rangers.... I don't need him trying to kick and karate chop everyone! He has walked in to movies being on that have fight scenes and we've explained to him that it is make believe and just a movie..... at 3 they are a more likely to understand than a 17 month old though!

If you don't like the way your neices and nephews play with Kieran and eachother then only allow them to play together supervised by YOU! If things start to get too rough then speak up.... let them know that YOU don't approve of the way they are playing and you want them to set a good example for their little cousin and show him how to play gently and nicely! Even though it may seems like Kieran doesn't really understand you should also explain to him that their behavior is not nice... they understand a lot more than we realize! I feel terrible for those kids cause their mom isn't doing her job as a parent! Maybe you could invite the kids over to your place to play or watch a more appropriate movie with Kieran!

In the end.... if you are not comfortable don't take him over there! If your DH agrees with you and this is his family maybe he can take the initiative and talk to them!

Good Luck

~Tondi and Mason

[psophia17]

I have this going on with my IL's, too, and it's rough. DH's half-sister babysits from home while minding her 4-year-old, who I can't stand. After school, she also watches her sister's 2 boys, and the three of them are just awful. This SIL of mine wants me to drop DS, at 9.5 months, off there so I can get stuff done - not likely.

I don't know if I could do it as effectively if she was just 5 doors down, but I'd give avoiding the situation a shot. When my SIL asks, I just tell her that DS is such a good boy that I'd rather take him with me than bother with lugging all of his stuff around. When he gets older, I plan to tell her that he doesn't sleep well after all the interaction with the older boys.

The only other thing I can think of is for you to lay the blame at DH's feet (if he's okay with that, of course). "DH doesn't like how wild DS gets after playing with his cousins..." or something along those lines. Keep it in the family, so to speak.

Good Luck!

-Petra

DS - Nathan, 12/29/03

[Sarah1]

I think you are completely justified in your concerns. If it were me, I'd probably avoid confronting her about what goes on in her house, because you don't want to make her feel bad. But like everyone else has said that doesn't mean you have to be there. I'd try to make the playdate a once-a-month thing.

[KBecks]

I agree that you should be honest but not accusatory or judgemental. Your SIL makes different choices for her kids and that's OK, but you certanly don't have to live with those decisions for your son.

When you talk to your SIL, be open and honest, such as..

This TV program is too violent for DS. I don't want him to see that. Let's watch something else... or if nothing else is available, turn off the TV.

You can say this when you encounter a situation... I don't think you need to bring it up until you witness a situation that bothers you, and then you can immediately jump in and fix it. If SIL or her kids protest, just be firm and repeat your statement.

I'd stop doing the playdates, or as Tondi said, you ALWAYS BE THERE TO SUPERVISE when they happen. Pain in the behind, sure, but it's the only way you can ensure your son's well-being.

You can tell your SIL that you don't want DS playing with guns. Just tell her that you're anti-gun, and suggest an alternative.

I love the idea of providing alternatives that are appropriate.

The only area where it gets sticky IMHO is if you need to discipline/caution her kids. But it's possible to be firm AND kind AND direct, saying things like -- don't push DS. That's too rough for him, etc.

You can have a short but sweet conversation with SIL outlining your concerns, but make it sound like a simple request, not a big deal. Such as - I've noticed the boys playing with toy guns and roughousing. I don't find those activities appropriate for DS, and don't want him playing that way. Suggest alternatives, and ask her to support your choices. Tell her that you want the kids to have good relationships, and be able to play, but be very clear about the concerns. If she blows them off, then tell her that you're not going to do playdates. If she gets offended, as a previous poster said, it's her problem.

Don't even open or entertain debate with her on guns or play style, just state what you want and find out if she's willing to compromise when DS gets together with his cousins.

P.S. You should supervise these kids all the time when they're together. If they're watching violent stuff, they'll probably get into other thihns as they get older too (sad, but possible). You won't want to leave your DS alone with them, just for peace of mind.
Don't freak out over every little action, but be cautuious. It's great that DH is with you on this topic. Don't let the kids be alone.

Good luck!
KBecks