mamas with a history of difficult pg.....

[calebsmama03]

How do you move past your fear and get excited about another pregnancy??

Sorry in advance for the long and rather downer post, but I’d really like to know how others with a history of pregnancy loss or severe difficulties in pg have handled (emotionally) their subsequent pregnancies? As many of you know, I am due with #2 around 5/19/05. I had an extremely difficult pregnancy with C – went into full-on pre-term labor (23 weeks, ctx lasting 45 sec and every 3 mins, causing effacement), was hospitalized for 2 weeks on major drugs, told I’d need an emergency c-sect at 24 weeks, then told that was a “false alarm”, told by my OB’s partner and my peri that they’d be shocked to see me get to 25 weeks and that C would not survive. Thankfully I did make it past 25 weeks but spent the remainder of my pregnancy on full bedrest and major medications and continued to contract the entire time. Ironically, during the experience I was rather laid back about it and although I was definitely scared, especially when I did the NICU tour to “prepare me for the inevitable”, I had this stubborn determination that I WAS going to deliver full term no matter what it took and the thought never seemed possible to me that this wouldn’t happen. I was blessed with a healthy, 37 weeker. They never did determine what caused my difficulties, nor whether there was an issue of incompetent cervix or "just" preterm labor. I suspect that it was PTL, as my cervix seemed fine unless I was contracting, and that I had an undiagnosed UTI and possibly BV that led to the PTL, but sadly we’ll never be sure either way.

This current pregnancy was an unplanned, though in no way unwanted, pregnancy – the timing is just a bit off. I have had such a difficult time even thinking much about #2, other than the nausea! I’ve tried to “get into it” by looking into double strollers, etc. a bit here thinking that would help me get back into baby mode and get excited but it hasn’t seemed to help. Initially I thought that it was just the shock of the whole thing that was keeping me numb, and I thought it would seem more real after my first OB appointment, but that was yesterday and I can’t say I feel much different today – in spite of having seen my little bean moving on the u/s. My OB has a new 3D high res u/s so even at only 9.5 weeks we could see the face and the hands! It was wonderful and amazing to see, but I still can’t let go of my fear! It’s almost like I don’t want to get too attached for fear that I’ll lose this one. My OB was very positive yesterday and said this time will be different – I’m not on any restrictions yet and she’s screening closely for UTI, watching for cervical changes, etc. Even so, I am simply terrified to let go and allow myself to get attached and be excited. It is almost worse having seen that this is truly a “real baby” already because I feel so incredibly guilty that I’m not shouting the news from the rooftops. We haven’t even told DH’s family yet – mostly because last time MIL essentially said it was my fault because I wasn’t gaining enough weight and was purposely not eating therefore hurting my baby (I did only gain 17 lb all total, but not for lack of eating! Just an extremely efficient metabolism that in any other situation would be enviable!) This from the woman who never once offered to fly out to help. Anyway, that is another issue entirely.

I don’t know if this is all because I wasn’t prepared and didn’t have time to psych myself up before getting pg, or if it’s the reality of how difficult it would be this time now that I’ll have a toddler. We have no family in the area and a very small circle of support locally. Our best friend locally are also pg and she is on bedrest due to subchorionic bleeds that aren’t resolving after 18 weeks. I know I am totally on a pity party right now and need to just get over it, but I just don’t know how. L

Thanks for “listening” and allowing me to vent. I would appreciate any words of advice or wisdom from other mamas on how you moved past your fear and let yourself just enjoy being pregnant! I am feeling overwhelmed and starting to seriously wonder what is wrong with me!

Lynne
Mommy to Caleb 3/3/03
http://www.gynosaur.com/assets/ribbons/ribbon_emerald_18m.gif[/img][/url]
Oh my!! #2 5/05

[slknight]

Oh, Lynne. I am sorry this is so difficult for you. I don't have any real words of wisdom for you because I'm not pg with #2. But my first pg was so absolutely awful (subchorionic bleeds, bedrest from 16-24 weeks, restricted activity the whole time, 18 u/s, emergency c/s, etc) that I can totally relate. I actually posted a thread last week asking how/if you can go through #2 when #1 was so bad. Even though I think we want more kids, I don't think I can mentally or physically do it at this time. I commend you for doing it.

Honestly, what helped me the first time around was therapy. I also did a lot of relaxation techniques to keep me calm. Another thing I did was post quite a bit on a support board for those who were pregnant after a loss (I had had a previous m/c). I know you didn't have a m/c, but maybe you could find a support board for a second high-risk pregnancy or something?

[Tondi G]

Just wanted to send some HUGS your way! Warning MC mentioned

I had a wonderful pregnancy with Mason ... it was so textbook and I had no complications! Boy did I take that one for granted! I assumed that since I was young and healthy that I'd be fine.... didn't think I'd have any problems. Well pregnancy #2 started out fine... a little spotting but nothing major.... went in at 7 weeks and saw a healthy HB and baby.... assumed everything would be fine. at my 12 week appt things were not ok... a missed MC. we waited the appropriate time and hoping thigns were just a fluke we went ahead and tried again only to lose another. It definetly took all the innocence out of being pregnant..... both for me and for my DH! When I began spotting this 3rd time around we both just figured this one was doomed..... but things are going alright so far. the spotting has stopped and baby's HB was good at just shy of 11 weeks. My OB said she thinks this one is a keeper and that all will be fine. She too has been through several MC's herself so she understands...... makes me so thankful to have a female OB who's beeen there done that! Experiencing losses or difficult pregnancies changes everything.... you never feel completely comfortable till that baby is born and in your arms!

I have a friend who just delievered her 3rd child. Her boys are 3 and 1.5. She discovered she was pregnant with her little girl just weeks before her husband was deployed.... and they assumed he wouldn't be home for her birth! Her pregnancy was going along just fine when all of a sudden her BP skyrocketed and she started having contractions.... she was put on complete bedrest. she went into the hospital a few times thinking her little girl was going to be born super early and they managed to stop her labor. towards the end she was taken off bedrest and then her daughter decided she was quite content in there.... she went full term! These things happen.... often no one knows why! Each and every pregnancy is different! For those of us who have experienced loss or complications we can only pray that our next experiences are different that those that were diffcult!

Since my last OB appointment I have days when I feel very positive about this pregnancy and days when I just can't shake the thought that something could be going wrong in there. getting from one appointment to the next has been difficult but we're getting through it... one day at a time. thats all you can do... take it one day at a time. Do everything YOU can to be healthy and help this pregnancy along and hope that everything you can't control follows suit! I am glad your OB is keeping a close watch on you and doing everything they can to help this be a healthy pregnancy! For me I think my milestone to kinda relax will be when I can feel this little person move on a regular basis .... not too much longer I hope!

Anyways... I've rambled... hope you got this far! GOOD LUCK and a happy, healthy LONG 9 months (with no complications) to YOU!!!!!!

~Tondi and Mason 7/8/01
EDD 5/5/05!!!

[ismommy]

Lynne,

Lots and lots of hugs. I had some complications with Bella- bedrest and meds at 33 weeks and an emergency c-section but in my case I was sure it all stemmed from being hit by a drunk driver.
As you know since you have been so quick to offer you story support and hugs to me. I am on modified bed rest starting at 23 weeks. One of the ways I have stayed positive is yours and other stories that after all the scares they delivered at fullterm. I also love the feeling of X moving and the moments that Bella is already having with her baby sibling. She talks about X constantly and when drew a pic of her family she included X.
I think you have more than earned the right to be scared but I would listen to your OB and if it was a UTI you are being monitored closley this time. Also try to think of the fun part - Caleb watching your tummy moving and meeting his sibling. Eating lots of chocolate especially ghiradelli brownies.
I wish I was closer and we could take it easy togther.
If you want an ear email me and I will give a call.
hugs
Helene
mommy to Isabella
baby x EDD 1/11/05

[jec2]

Oh, Lynne, sorry this is so hard. I wanted to just send you a hug. I didn't have a hard pregnancy with DS but just wanted to let you know that we are all here. I understand that it must be a bit scary for you with what you went through with Caleb. Just wanted to say that with so much in life you just got to hang on and surf the wave. Trust that it will all be ok. Trust that you will be ok. Trust that little bugaboo will be ok. Big hug Lynne. We are here :)

[jk3]

Lynne,

Congratulations. I know it can be incredibly difficult but try to stay as positive as you can.

My first pregnancy was a m/c + the second time around I was terrified that would happen again. It didn't but at 26 weeks I entered the hospital with regular preterm contractions. I was transferred to the city to a more comprehensive hospital because the doctors were concerned I'd deliver at that point. A resident came in + informed us of all of the terrible outcomes that might happen at that point. I kept on thinking that this wasn't supposed to happen since I hadn't worried about this particular situation. I thought I was in the clear after the first trimester.

In any event, I ended up on bedrest until about 34 weeks + delivered a healthy baby at 36. I'm sure next time around I will be a wreck: w/the first trimester + then with hoping to make it to at least 32 weeks. It's very stressful to think about another pregnancy but even my OB said there is no guarantee that another pregnancy will unfold in the same way. I'm not a naive person but I hope I will be able to focus on that point.

I'm hoping you have a healthy, uneventful 9 months. Sending good thoughts your way. =)

Jenn
DS 6/03

http://lilypie.com/baby2/030603/2/5/1/-5/.png

[mamahill]

Oh Lynne - hugs! I don't have your history of hard pregnancy, but I was terrified from the beginning about this pregnancy. Fact is, I know so many more people who have suffered losses this time around that I just knew I would join them. It was REALLY hard for me to relax and enjoy it, especially when my mom had a miscarriage (her only one, out of 7 pregnancies) at 16 weeks. Then a very wise mama who shall remain nameless said, "Snap out of it!" LOL, ok, not quite like that, but she said that each pregnancy should be celebrated and looked at optimistically. If something is going to go wrong, it will go wrong, but worrying about it right now isn't going to make the "going wrong" any easier, and only detracts from what is going well.

That's not to say I'm not a little nervous, but as I watch the days/weeks tick by, I am feeling better and better. A couple weekends ago I said to DH, "You know, I'm getting really excited about this!" And he said, "Uh, Sarah, I would have thought you'd say that a couple months ago. You know - when you saw the LINES." (oh, and did I mention that this pregnancy was TOTALLY planned) The point is - I wasn't letting myself get excited for the same reasons as you. But now that I am so baby-ravenous, and letting myself get excited over maternity clothes, I am having a good time.

Peace to you - everything will be ok. Each pregnancy is different and should be celebrated.

[egoldber]

"How do you move past your fear and get excited about another pregnancy??"

When you figure that out, let me know. :)

Seriously, with 3 miscarriages, I have had an extremely hard time becoming excited about this pregnancy. Even though all signs point to everything being fine, I just can't muster up the excitment. I know its partly a defense mechanism, but its also just the loss of innocence. I can no longer just enjoy being pregnant without also feeling the fear. That fear is going to be with me this whole pregnancy I think.

My next ultrasound is tomorrow, when I will be 14 1/2 weeks. In theory, if all is well then, the odds are with me. But I know so many people who have had later losses and I can't forget that.

So no advice here, but I totally understand how you feel. And those feelings are very, very normal. You shouldn't feel bad about them.

Take care,

[C99]

I don't have a history of difficult pregnancy, but I do have the fact that I delivered a preemie looming over my head. I'm only 11 weeks now, so I am not really all that far along, but I've had several cervical checks at my OB's office and that's made me feel better (one theory on why my water broke at 35 weeks was an incompetent cervix). Also, I think part of the reason that I am not wildly excited over this pregnancy (yet) is that (a) I know what to expect and (b) I feel like hell -- in part from the pregnancy and in part from the fall triggering of my asthma.

[mamicka]

Lynne,

I can't personally relate to the history... but as much as I can, I think I "get" how you feel. I just want you to know that I would love to help support you in real life. The part about not having family & having a small local support circle, I can totally relate. We don't live far from you at all, as you know, & Caleb is just a few months older than DS. Please, shoot me a PM or email if you'd like my phone number. Our due dates are only a few weeks apart, too! (mine's 4/22/05)

We'd love to meet you guys!
Allison

ETA: I just PM'ed you my phone number. Call me if you want to get together or just talk. :)

[ethansmom]

I'm sorry I don't have advice to share...I'm in the same boat except I'm not yet brave enough to be prego again.

I think my innocence made the first experience doable...I had no idea how precarious an early arrival would be until it was obvious DS would be arriving and they told me what to expect - vent, NICU for several weeks, etc. (I was a preemie and turned out fine after several months in hospital, so what's the big deal?)

Anyhow, DS surprised all the drs and was only in the NICU for 2 hrs! The beginning was very rough, but we got through it.

I think about being pregnant again and how I would savor every little bit....I hope you are able to.

Know that whatever happens, you will get through.

Also, I was amazed at all the preemies I met who made it...23 wks, etc. Medically, we are in an amazing time.

And, your MIL is a complete and total bitch. I think every mom of a preemie blames herself and second guesses (I certainly did). If you care enough about your child(ren) to lurk on this board, I'm betting you took great care of yourself during pregnancy. Even if you didn't, most women with poor prenatal habits deliver full-term babes. (sorry, something that irks me since SIL who smokes and drinks has had 3 normal pregnancies - thank goodness for the babies!)

Hugs,

[Marisa6826]

Lynne-

I can completely sympathise. Some of the Mommies here may remember that Sophie was a twin. At my 19w u/s to determine the sex of the babies, we were told that her brother Harry had something called acqueductal stenosis. It is a narrowing at the base of the brain that prohibits normal drainage of cerebral spinal fluid (CSF). Because the CSF can't drain, it builds pressure in the ventricles, causing them to enlarge.

I went through a rushed amnio to determine if it was chromosomal, and to see if Sophie would be OK. Went through numerous consultations with some of the best pediatric neurosurgeons throughout the country in person and on the phone, even going as far as to look into the possibility of in utero surgery to correct the situation.

Sadly, the pressure became so great, Harry's brain tissue ceased to develop. We ended up doing a reduction on him at 24w. Had I carried him to term, we risked losing Sophie, and he would have only lived for a couple hours, likely in severe pain. It was a horrible, horrible time in my life. Thankfully, Sophie arrived at 38w2d via c/s completely healthy.

We had to go through fertility treatments for both Sophie's pregnancy and this one with Amelia, so it wasn't a surpise to us. However, it's not been easy for me at all. I have no family support to speak of (I'm sure you've read of my psycho Mother), and physically, pregnancy and I do not mesh well at all.

After knowing how frighteningly wrong things can turn, I'm forever expecting *something* to happen. I am always assuming that today will be the day I end up in the hospital, or start bleeding, or lose the baby. I feel Amelia move and think my water is going to break.

It's a sick game our minds play on us. Just know, that in the end, in all likelihood, it will all be fine.

You have a long road ahead of you, but many of us have tread before you. Please know we are here to hold your hand. PM me and I will be happy to give you my number.

hugs

-m

[jbowman]

Big hugs!

I only have one child, but had a couple of scares during my PG that occasionally made it difficult to enjoy. So I do understand the fear. I had vaginal bleeding at 12 weeks, which led the ER doctor to think that I might have begun to miscarry. Although that was not the case, I will never forget the utter sorrow I felt as I "waited" for a MC. It was heartwrenching and I never knew that I was capable of feeling so sad. Around 19 1/2 weeks, I was in a car accident (not my fault, BTW). That was also excruiating, as I waited for my US. I remember that I tried to focus on things like the baby's movements to make myself feel better!

Fortunately Ellie arrived safely!

I believe that the fear of something going wrong is a part of PG that few women talk about, regardless of how easy or difficult their pregnancies were. JMHO. I hope that you find some peace.

[bostonsmama]

I just wanted to my best wishes to you and your little one. From reading your story, it sounds like your pregnancy nightmare went about as well as my conception nightmare....so although I can't give you any personal reassurance about your second pregnancy, there is plenty of wisdom to glean from the other mommies on these boards.

I remember that each cycle we didn't conceive over the past year was a mini version of what you went through...the hope, the excitement, the nervousness, the ups & downs, the bad news, the dwindling hope, the disallusionment, the depression.....over and over and over and over....and what I found to be the biggest comfort during that time was:

1) Turning to a higher power for comfort and strength (studies show that people who turn to spirituality [of any kind] during a medical crisis heal better and get through the crisis with astounding rates of success).

2) Talking to people about your fears (DH & I also don't have many friends locally, but we made a point of joining message boards and a church, calling out-of-towners, and even talking to complete strangers).

3) Diversion tactics: Find a passion, (non-medical related) that you can get excited about (a sport's team, the 2004 election, collectibles, home decor, etc) so your mind won't constantly be focused on the little pain here or little twitch there that sends your mind spinning into a frenzy of what ifs and fears (I know, so much easier said than done). I actually discovered PEANUTS (Snoopy and Charlie Brown) while ttc, and now I'm adicted to anything Snoopy. We actually went out and bought a snoopy dog (beagle) because of our love of that...and it did help a lot. I rub Boston, my dog's, ears or cuddle him when I'm sad. Maybe you could get a pet (an older one that doesn't need training) to calm your nerves? Anyhow, best of luck to you for a healthy, happy pregnancy this time around. You'll be in my family's thoughts and prayers.

[westchicagomom]

I have absolutely no advice - but you are definitely not alone.

When I see mamas here announcing pg's so confidently (like nothing could go wrong) and proclaiming it to the world w/ "I'm the big sibling" t-shirts for their children after just taking the hpt, I have no idea how I could *ever* do that. I am really happy for them that they are able to, but after just 2 m/c's (one before and after DD was born), I think that any future pregnancies will be "ruined" in that way. I will never be able to take the health of a pregnancy for granted - not ever.

I am generally not optimistic and am paranoid, so even after the first trimester, I was always worried about something (e.g. at 5 months, we were in Hawaii and I was scratched badly by an outdoor cat at the B&B we were staying at. I *had* to go to a local bookstore and look up everything I possibly could about that cat scratch disease and was mildly worried the rest of my pg about it). I worried before every u/s about what they would see/find. It drove my poor DH nuts! Soooo I am definitely not the one to ask about this.

However, it sounds as if what happened during your 1st pg was just a fluke so I do think that you can relax. You went through an awful ordeal and it is highly unlikely that will happen again. It is amazing that you saw the face and movement on the u/s today. Everything seems to be going as it should be so try to enjoy your pg - it truly is an amazing thing and I think we all miss that feeling of having life inside us once it's over.

Sorry to not be of any help!

[psophia17]

I can't offer advice on the difficult pregnancy at all, although mine had rough spots, it was overall easy.

However, I do know the feeling of waiting for the worst to happen. DS wasn't exactly unplanned - we had talked about TTC and I had gotten the vitamins and everything, and then I was pg, without even trying. I was convinced that it had been too easy, I was supposed to have ups and downs before getting pg, and I kept waiting for the ball to drop. I was thrilled and not allowing myself to be thrilled.

DH was a wreck, he figured since I was the pg one I'd have a sense if something was going to go wrong, and therefore my pessimism meant that something was going to go wrong.

In the end, I bought a book (From Conception to Birth) and would go through it day by day looking at the pictures and reading about where my baby was in his development that day. When we got to the page where if he was born early, he could survive, I lightened up. I think it also helped that I have a cousin who was born at 22 weeks, and she survived and is currently a track star at her high school.

There are tons of prayers going out for you, and those that aren't praying are thinking of you and sending good wishes your way. Whenever you get to a moment where you're overwhelmed, just think about that, take a few deep breaths, and do your best to relax.

We're all pulling for you!

-Petra

DS - Nathan, 12/29/03

[calebsmama03]

Thanks ladies for the kind words, shoulders offered and advice! It does mean a lot knowing that I have friends here who are so willing to lend an “ear” and offer support. I don’t think DH quite gets it, but we are all very lucky to have such a generally close-knit group of ladies here - many of us who have been “together” for a year or more – to support each other across the miles!

In my head I know that Sarah is right, I need to just get over it and just be happy. I also know that I CAN and WILL get through it no matter what happens. I hope that next summer I can look back at this and laugh at how silly I’m being! I think the most difficult thing for me to accept is that this IS so hard for me in the first place, if that makes any sense at all? I’m generally a pretty optimistic person and am mostly laid back about health issues, because I know I take good care of myself. If anything, it’s more typical for some sign of “trouble” to make me fiercely tenacious to make it be OK – this reaction is SO not typical for me! Even in the midst of that awful time during my first pg it didn’t really bother me a fraction as much as it is now! In fact, throughout the pg and up until just before I found out about #2 I always said (quite truthfully, and to the amazement of most who knew what I went through) that I loved being pregnant and missed it after he was born! I think, as ethansmom said, my naivety made it manageable? I think fear of the unknown goes along with any pregnancy, but somehow my fear of the “known” is much stronger than that of the uncertainty last time. Every twinge, every cramp sends me to the bathroom checking to see if this is “it”.

ITA about women with poor habits tending to be the ones who have no problems! No offense to those who do smoke, etc. but it seems horribly unfair! I have a co-worker who totally made fun of me for not wanting to ever take Tylenol and for being cautious about what I ate (lunchmeat, soft cheeses, etc.). She bragged about how she smoked a pack a day and her baby is “just fine” (just fine except for the major asthma and allergies, but I digress…).

Hearing that other mamas have felt the same way makes this all much easier to deal with and less guilt-inspiring for me. And reading the stories (again) about how many scares turned into positive outcomes is always reassuring – even though mine was one of those stories. I’m working on upping my attitude! Thanks again for all the support -I’m feeling the love!

Lynne
Mommy to Caleb 3/3/03
http://www.gynosaur.com/assets/ribbons/ribbon_emerald_18m.gif[/img][/url]
Oh my!! #2 5/05