SAHPs: How often do you want to

[pritchettzoo]

pack the little one(s) up in the car, deliver them to DP, and switch places?

Ack. And I feel like a brat for complaining since today DH defended a deposition so heartbreaking that opposing counsel broke down in tears. (So you guys get to hear it instead!)

DH and I are sort of taking over a retiring man's practice. Last week I went into the office with DH and did *gasp* legal work. It was only supposed to be Monday. Then Tuesday. Then it was all week. My mom stayed with Gracie, and they were both happy as clams. I'd probably be there this week if my mom weren't off on vacation. I felt horribly guilty but exhilarated at the same time. HOW do you balance this? I want to enjoy staying home with Gracie. I can't help but feel that my mom is actually better for her since when we got home, they were on the front porch swinging and singing and waiting for us. DH is lucky if the baby doesn't get thrown at him most days. ;)

Anyone? Bueller?

Anna

[C99]

My husband works at home, so I can more accurately answer the question, "How often do you hand off the baby to your husband so that you can get a moment's peace?" The answer is, "Every day." Except this week, of course, because he's in California.

I know what you mean about balancing that "zest for work" with wanting to enjoy your SAHP moments. I work part-time and I really like it and although I also enjoy being a SAHP, I don't enjoy it every second of every day and I sometimes feel guilty because of that. I also know what you mean about thinking sometimes that another caregiver is a better one than you are. But the reality is: your mother was better with Gracie (and vice-versa) because she doesn't do it everyday, and because she's removed enough from the situation that she doesn't have the guilt/second-guessing. Hang in there: it's ok to enjoy the break of work and still be a good, loving parent.

[mharling]

Did you read Sunday's comics? Baby Blues shows Darryl coming home from work and being hammered by the kids. Subsequent frames show him playing, getting hit in the head, trying to help with homework, giving baths and putting them to bed while trying to avert a pillow fight. In the final frame he says to his wife (I'm forgetting her name), "The hardest day at work is easier than a normal day of parenting."

I am enjoying being a SAHP, but part of me does wonder what it would be like to work. And I really *could* do dh's job since we do/did the exact same thing. Totally normal feelings, Anna!!! Do not feel guilty; I think there are lots of us there with you.

Mary
Lane - April 2003
Little sister on the way!!! March 2!

[westchicagomom]

Excellent question - just about every day now.

DH just started a new job and he is gone from 7 am to 7 pm. Instead of working in the boring burbs for a huge corporation, he is now working in downtown Chicago in the Sears Tower for a very small, but promising start-up company. It is all very exciting for him and he has 2 hours on the train each day to "himself" to read, nap or daydream. I am definitely not saying he has it easy, but this was a great change for him.

Meanwhile for me - the change is for the worse, During the week, I am now pretty much the sole caretaker of my DD and she is exhausting. Frankly I think he is the better parent for her (he is like a playmate IYKWIM), but if he had to stay w/ her all the time rather than buzz in for an hour each night and on the weekends, I think the novelty would wear off for him. And I don't think he has a clue about what it means to take care of her for that length of time on a daily basis. He has taken her out by himself a total of once since she was born and has never spent 12 consecutive hours caring for her.

Anyway, as I was trying to get her to take a nap today, I was pondering a similar question to the one you posed. I was thinking that if we could just switch roles for one day a week, I would be a much happier mama - but alas I cannot do that. Maybe you can?

It sounds as if you might enjoy working a day or two a week if your mom is willing to come stay w/ her. And I wouldn't feel guilty at all - it probably will make you a better mama and it might be a really good thing for both Gracie and your mom.

[ellies mom]

I feel that way. DH and I do the same job. I loved my job. Sometimes I do get a bit jealous. Sometimes when DH is being particurly annoying with his "you're the primary caregiver, you're the one home all day" crap, sometimes when I really need a break and he's just watching TV but still can't give me time to myself, I just want to scream "enough" and go back to work. But then I remember that I'm staying home for the baby not him. I just repeat it to myself over and over again. I'm sorry, that probably doesn't help you.

[MartiesMom2B]

Mary:

That comic is up on my fridge now. I don't even think that DH noticed it.

Anna:

Just yesterday I asked DH to fold the mountain of laundry and he said that he would if I went into work for him. I said I gladly would. I don't know anything about civil engineering - but I'd love to just be able to go somewhere baby free and have adult conversation once in a while.

-Sonia

[Jacksonvol]

Anna,

I feel your pain. I can't tell you how much I enjoy my practice, but I do miss the heck out of my DD and I have been daydreaming about putting it on hold for a couple of years and being a full time mom. For me, I have accepted that there is no balance, only juggling. If my mom was here to care for DD and they both were happy, I would vote for working @ 3 days a week (like there really is a part time law practice ha!). I am actually thinking about taking Fridays off next year. I could use some downtime and then I would have no excuse for not taking DD to do all the exciting, enriching things other people do with their kids.
DH's job requires him to work quite a bit past the dinner/bath/bedtime hour and on the weekends. He truly has no clue what a full time adventure child care is. However, next week I will be traveling on business for three days. I am not really joking when I say I am praying for both of them!
Good luck finding your center. The best advice I have ever gotten on this issue is: "If momma ain't happy, ain't nobody happy." Crude and gramatically incorrect, sure, but so true.

Lisa

[macassi]

Don't forget that your mom was waiting on the porch for YOU to come home at which time she knew that she would hand the baby over and return to her own quiet, peaceful existence. I am sure when your DH comes home, your job for the day doesn't end -- you probably continue to spend quite a bit of time with DD.

I used to ask my daycare provider how she handled 4 kids all day and she always replied, "it's easy -- I know their parents come to get them every night!" Being a SAHM is, for me at least, a 24x7 job and I think that's what makes it difficult. Like you, there are many days I think it would be easier to go to work.

[g-mama]

Anna,

I know exactly how you feel. My dh leaves the house at 8am and returns home around 7pm, sometimes later. I've got 2 boys who keep me busy every minute of the day. And since Paolo stopped napping this summer, I am just dying for a break when dh gets home. It's more the mental exhaustion than anything else. Paolo is a talker, and needs constant conversation and feedback from me, even when he does (rarely) play alone. I am so drained and just want to be able to be quiet for 5 minutes. Last evening, I tried to come on the computer to check the boards and had both kids climbing all over me. I got so frustrated and yelled, "I guess it's too much to ask for 5 minutes for MYSELF!" and just gave up. I know, not my shining moment as a mom.

And dh really seems to be the better parent, honestly. I know, I know, he's not with them all day, but I truly in my heart believe that if he were, he'd probably do it better. He has infinite patience and just handles things better without getting stressed out. If I could make as much money as he does, he'd love to switch places, and sometimes I would, too.

It's so hard!

Kristen
Paolo 11-00
Benjamin 8-03

[aliceinwonderland]

My thing is that I cannot possibly be a stay at home mom. I love my son to death, but it is BEST for him and I and the entire family if I do something else during the day. Sounds harsh, I know, but this is one of the first things I realized about my mother persona.

[lizajane]

i just want to trade for 1 week so that he will actually have some kind of friggin clue as to what MY day is like! i just want him to 100% totally completely entirely understand. but it will NEVER happen. his understanding, i mean. and THAT makes me nuts. i don't want to work outside the home- i am having trouble imagining it in 3.5 years, which is when i said i would go back (when schuyler is 5 and goes to kindergarten and baby brother is 3 and can go to preschool 5 days/week instead of a true daycare setting.) but the whole, "but i have been at work all day" thing that dh says makes me NUTS NUTS NUTS. um, DUH! i used to work outside the home all day!! i DO understand what HIS day is like!!! he has never been a SAHP!

[pritchettzoo]

Pam, I was just thinking of you the other day. I keep meaning to look up your email and see how you're doing. Since I never will remember to do that (email's on another computer), how are you? Please PM or email me and let me know!

Anna

[alkagift]

Sonia,
Right there with you--my husband's an engineer too. He does fold, though, but only after it has been sitting in the dryer for three days and is literally wrinkled beyond recognition. It's easier just to do it myself. I was tempted for a while to just fold mine and leave his in there, but it seemed petty!

Cute new avatar for Martie!

Allison
Mommy to Matthew Clayton, 5/19/03

[alkagift]

Yes. Heck yes. I wouldn't want to literally switch with Mark, but I would love to go off to work and leave the worry of what to feed DS for a snack (did he eat that yesterday?) or whether he's gone outside enough, read enough, slept enough, laughed enough.

DH is wonderful but he really has NO idea.

Allison
Mommy to Matthew Clayton, 5/19/03

[american_mama]

I agree with everyone's wonderful comments. The other thing I tell myself is that you can't pay someone enough to do what I do... to take care of my DD, to love her, to know with 100% certainty that no one will do more to keep her safe, to give the right type and amount of discipline, to do the special things we do (which aren't even weekly events, but are enough to satisfy me and her). Money can't buy someone who will do all that for my child... and that reminder makes me feel my worth as a SAHM.