how do I politely ask strangers not to touch my baby?

[mysweetboy]

I hit the mall today to run some errands. While at a store paying for my things, an employee started talking to Charlie (he was in his stroller). She gave him a little tickle on his belly, which I admit bothered me. What's worse though is that he grabbed her hand and wouldn't let go! She thought it was the cutest thing but I wanted to scream. I couldn't say anything though....words just wouldn't come out. As soon as I got out of the store, I got out a wipe and couldn't clean his hands fast enough.

I have a history of being a bit of a pushover but got have gotten more assertive (pregnancy brought something out in me!). In this situation though, I just don't know what to say. How can I politely say something? Even though I think it's rude for strangers to touch babies, I don't want to be rude in turn with my request.

BTW, after reading what I just typed, I realized that another part of my problem is that I worry what people will think of me. So keeping my mouth shut avoids any ill feelings. I don't know why I care....I don't even know these people. I'm a mess!

Thanks,
Lori
mommy to Charlie, 5 months old!

[Marisa6826]

I used to tell them that Sophie had pink eye and was contagious ;).

The other good one was the story that she had some sort of bad rash and had medication on her hands, so please don't touch.

If I'm in a particularly crappy mood, I just outright ask that the don't touch my child. I guess at a certain point, you just don't care what people think :P.

-m

[Saartje]

"Excuse me. Please don't touch my baby." IMO, that's polite enough in itself.

If you want to explain, add: "We're getting into cold and flu season, and I want to limit his exposure, since flu can be very dangerous for an infant. Touching is the easiest way to pass germs on, and it doesn't take as many germs to make a baby sick as it does an adult."

(ETC a very silly typo.)

[Melanie]

You could try what I do with Ds (and other toddlers), just ask that they tickle his feet. We figure feet are pretty benign as far as germs go and lets them (the toddlers) touch the irresistable baby without it being their hands or face. Note, I only suggest it to Ds when it's babies that I know...not strangers. If you must have a reason, I would say "Oh! Please just tickle his feet. His immune system is very weak right now (no need to give a reason, but you could say from vaccines or illness or whatever) so I have to be EXTRA careful." That way it puts it on you and him instead of like "eew..you look dirty. don't touch my baby."

I think some times, especially those who are not parents, are just clueless when it comes to boundaries with children. There is a skating instructor at our rink which just adores Ds and wants to pick him up and hug him to bits. Luckily he is old enough he just runs from her and says, "No." I keep thinking, "Are you joking?! He doesn't even KNOW you!" However, she means well so I let him handle it his way. LOL.

Who was it who had the story of someone grabbing their babies TONGUE? ICK!

[KBecks]

This is a tough one. I like the idea of people being friendly to kids, but the invasion of "personal space" is troubling.

I wouldn't know what to say, especially AFTER the person has already touched the kiddo. Maybe - "please don't touch him, he has a fragile immune system," or, "oh, you know I generally don't let strangers touch my baby." or how about "you can look but please don't touch!"

Tough one, indeed! I'm glad you had a wipe, and there's probably a low risk of him getting sick.

I admit I am grossed out when people cough near my food, etc. etc. I'm sure I'll also be protective of my baby. Perhaps using good defensive body language will keep people from invading your little one's space.

I'm struggling with this even as I plan to give birth, a friend wants to visit me in the hospital, and I feel like she is going to want to hold the baby.... but I don't really want to see her in the hospital or to let her hold the baby when he's only a few days old. I might call her tonight and ask her to come and visit after the first or 2nd week. I feel rude, but it's my responsibility to set the boundaries.

KBecks

[mamagoosie]

I'd say "oooh, careful--he's had the nastiest flu--I don't want you to catch it!"

People are so clueless--once when I was at the grocery store, a woman touched my daughter's hand while holding a leaky package of RAW CHICKEN! I totally lost it.

[mysweetboy]

Charlie is actually getting over his 2nd cold in a month. At the drugstore last weekend, a woman was talking to me about him. I mentioned that he had a cold and she still leaned down and touched him! Maybe I should just hang a "hands off" sign on his stroller? ;)

Lori
mommy to Charlie, 5 months old!

[Marisa6826]

KB-

You're having a c/s, right? I told my ILs that I wasn't allowed to have visitors for at least 24 hours by order of my OB.

They bought it ;)

Oh - and EVERYBODY MUST WASH THEIR HANDS. My MIL tried to pull a stunt that "she had gloves on outside". I wouldn't let her touch Sophie. She finally gave in.

Good luck

-m

[ALLEYCAT]

I wear my baby in a sling when I go out since it seems to deter people from touching him as it is also MY personal space. I have worn him since he was 5 weeks old and would have sooner if I had had a sling when he was younger. Babies are like puppies, everyone wants to touch. They do it before you have a chance to say "no". My step daghter has been known to quietly say "don't touch the baby" under her breath when we are out together! Not very subtle but it works.

[fauve01]

when we were boarding the airplane and waiting to get into our seats, there was an old man/grampa guy who was talking to DD (who was on me in the sling). well the guy actually grabbed DD's hand and pulled her thumb out of her mouth! I lost it. "HEY, don't do that! she needs her thumb and hand to be clean or she will get sick." OMG, with all the germs already on a plane! of course we ended up sitting directly behind this guy so we had to see him every tme any of us got up on the 5 hour flight. blech.

i say just use some of the excuses the others have given if you want to be "nice." I just say "please don't touch her--we don't want any germs with the nasty flu season coming."

good luck.

Anne + DD 10-03

[papal]

I admit I was exactly like you for the first few months.. now it really does not bother me. Obviously i would not let a filthy person touch her (usually picking her up and away is a good way of getting her away from them) but if it is a friendly salesperson or old lady on the street, then i really don't bother. The child has been licked from head to toe by neighbourhood dogs and has eaten dirt and wood-chips.. so i guess the germ-phobia has now gone away for me.. lol.

But to answer your question.. if it does bug you that much, I would just tell them not to touch him with a polite and happy sounding "Please don't touch my baby, i am paranoid about him getting a cold this flu season" and then briskly change the subject!

[muskiesusan]

I used to be pretty laid back about this stuff, but last month at the Dollar Store the sales clerk actually kissed Alex's head, and I was wearing him in the Bjorn! I was stunned, and if that wasn't bad enough, I don't think the lady had a shower in weeks. What was she thinking?

I, too, generally ask others to touch his feet. Of course, now that he has discovered that they are convenient to suck on, I'm not sure that's much better.

Susan
Mom to Nick 10/01/01
& Alex 04/27/04

[KBecks]

I feel better, I called my friend and left a message saying that our c/s is now scheduled for tomorrow, and I'll call her when I'm ready for visitors, whether in the hospital or not. Yay, back in control!

My in-laws are coming to the hospital tomorrow afternoon, but I love them dearly and don't think it will be a difficult visit.

KBecks

[Tondi G]

if it really bothers you then you might consider either putting him in a sling or maybe getting a stroller with a reversible seat/handle so that he faces you and is not so exposed!

I would probably just say that he just got over being sick and you are trying to limit his exposure since his immune system is already weakened! Keep in mind... no matter how polite you think you are being people will take offense to whatever you say, if they assumed it was ok to just touch someone elses child in the first place! I always admire babies from a distance.... I even ask people I know before I go handling their babies!

Lastly.... if you are being careful and wiping/using purel after people touch your childs hands before they make it into his mouth then he will probably be fine! You can try your hardest to keep germs at bay but keep in mind it's not just in touching hands and mouths.... germs are in the air ... if someone near your child coughs or sneezes the germs are airborn..... they don't have to touch your kiddo to get him sick!

Good luck

~Tondi and Mason 7/8/01
edd 5/5/05!!!

[janeybwild]

Lori, I was so glad to see this question since it was one I had too, but can I ask how you (or others) handle it if it is a child doing the touching? (I hope this is not hijacking your thread by a related spin? :) ) Little girls in particular seem to love hugging, touching and petting DD....I'm by no means a germaphobe, but I swear I can see the germs transferring! It seems to be getting worse now that she is getting older. Do you just give up at some point when your baby gets to toddlerhood?

ETA: changed heading

[lizajane]

i don't usually worry about it too much, but with flu season coming and the new baby coming, i think i will ask folks not to touch schuyler. i would go with the "make it your issue" approach-
"i know i am a little crazy, but i am terrified of the flu, so please don't touch him. i know, laugh at me for being paranoid. but we had it last year, and i just can't handle it right now!"

[eb1]

I'm in the same boat and have been fretting over this exact situation. I haven't wanted to say something in advance because I never know who intends to touch DS (some get close but are well mannered enough not to touch)...and then after someone does, I figure what's the point, it's already been done.

But now I think the only way I can handle this is to say something immediately, preventatively, to the strangers who come near my son and start cooing or talking to him. Rather than possibly insult a stranger by suggesting he/she has germs that I don't want my baby to come in contact with, I'm going to smile and say, "Please don't touch him--he has a very fragile immune system; I'm sorry, but I say this to everyone."

[Raidra]

I'm so relieved that not everybody worries about strangers touching their babies! I was reading through the responses thinking, "OMG, am I a bad parent for not minding?!"

Obviously, I don't let dirty people touch Colwyn, nor do I let people stick their hands in his mouth or anything, but honestly.. the things my little monster gets into.. a little pat on the hand isn't a big deal. :)

[C99]

Another non-germaphobe here. Most people are well-meaning, and I think that's almost more important. No one is going to catch a cold from an infant, and since I breastfed, I wasn't particularly worried about him getting a cold from someone else either.

[jbowman]

I am the same way, Rachel. My motto is: "take my baby, please (kidding of course)!" LOL!

[ellies mom]

Yep, I'm with you. I know this sounds horrible, but sometimes I see it as "entertaining the baby" which is a good thing right?

[Imperia]

I also find the sling works wonders because people have to almost touch YOU to get near the baby. For some reason, while most people respect an adult's personal space (unless it's a pregnant woman!) they do not respect a baby's.

Otherwise I think PPs have given you examples of good things to say.

Imperia

[eb1]

To me, the problem is strangers touching a baby without asking for the parent's permission...If it was common courtesy, which it doesn't seem to be (no one asks me before touching my son), then we could say, "Sure, go ahead" or "I'd prefer if you didn't."

About half the time I am more miffed that someone didn't ask first than I am that the person actually touched my son. To me it's an invasion. Germs aside, I don't want strangers touching me, so I sure don't want them touching my son. He's not even comfortable around people he sees occasionally, much less random strangers in a supermarket! And then as for the germs, yes, they're in the air, but hand-to-hand contact is a PRIME way to spread germs, and babies stick their hands in their mouths all the time. I carry wipes.

[psophia17]

I found that there was almost no way to get people that really wanted to touch DS to not touch him. There was one woman who I was introduced to who just grabbed him from my arms and started kissing him all over. I kind of stood there looking stupefied, but she persisted. If I hadn't just been introduced to her, I would've said something, but as it was I said that DS had to have his diaper changed and took him back. She actually started following along to help change his diaper!

I am really shy in public, whereas DS is a really outgoing baby, from a young age, so I tend to be happy about him interacting with strangers. Even from the germ aspect of it, I generally figure that I am doing what I can by keeping him clean and BF, and that other germs he picks up are going to be picked up regardless, so why worry? Now that he's older and sticking all sorts of things in his mouth (dead bugs from a spiderweb from I can't figure out where yesterday), I would even say I rely on cashiers and other people to keep him occupied when I'm trying to get something done, like loading change into my wallet.

In your shoes, I'd keep my little guy clean and just be glad that he seems to be more comfy in public situations than I am - just imagine if he screamed his head off every time a new face appeared.

-Petra

DS - Nathan, 12/29/03

[turtledove]

I was just thinking about that story. Wasn't it in a place like a garage or something similar? Who would ever think that is appropriate! That story skeeved me out!

[papal]

That is interesting.. maybe it is a cultural thing also.. for me it would be a little strange if a friendly salesperson first asked "Is it okay to touch the baby?".. lol. Gosh, i must admit that I have and still do get down on my knees and talk to random cute babies and sometimes touch their little hands. I did not think people really minded.. eeks!
I think germs are good.. they build up immunity.. colds are good, they build up immunity. Well that is what my dad, who is a doc, tells me anyway.

[mysweetboy]

>The child has been licked from head to toe by
>neighbourhood dogs and has eaten dirt and wood-chips.. so i
>guess the germ-phobia has now gone away for me.. lol.

We have a bulldog who wants nothing more than to give DS kisses. I'm on high alert whenever he's around Charlie. On one hand, it's so sweet b/c he rarely gives my DH and me kisses; on the other, he'll lick ANYTHING. Luckily though, he's a chunk and can't reach "downstairs". ;)

Lori
mommy to Charlie, 5 1/2 months old!

[MorganMom]

I also used a sling with DS#1 and it worked to keep peoples' hands off 99% of the time. I'm really careful about touching other people's babies...even if I know them. I know how *I* feel about it after all!

BTW A quick story along similar lines: When I was 8mos PG and sick of people touching my belly (what *IS* it what that???), I went to a hockey game w/DH. Of course I had to go to the restroom...went during the game so I wouldn't get stuck in a long line. When I came out of the stall, there was an elderly Hispanic lady cleaning up the sinks and such. We live in So. Cal. so I know a pretty good amount of Spanglish....she walked up to me and asked "Is boy bebe?" while pointing at my tummy. I told her "Yes, eight months..."

Then she asked to touch my stomach and usually I wouldn't have let her...but she was just so sweet....and then she went over to the sinks, washed her hands very throughly and came back to touch my stomach! I got a kick out of that- no only did she *ask*, but she also made sure to wash her hands before touching! At least she was polite about it!

[mysweetboy]

The only children Charlie has been around are his cousins, who are all girls. One is a little mother at age 3 1/2 and always asks if she can "hold" Baby Charlie (she sits on couch and he sits b/w her legs). Someone will make sure that she washes her hands before holding him but it's inevitable that he gets touched by her or the others before that happens. If we see them touching him, we let them know not to touch his hands since he puts them in his mouth. I'm sure at some point though, we'll give up...at least I will!

Lori
mommy to Charlie, 5 1/2 months old!

[eb1]

You're probably right that it's cultural, because for me, it's the rudest thing for a stranger to touch my baby without getting some kind of acknowledgment from me that it's ok.

Honestly, I don't mind people coming up and talking to him or smiling, getting close, but it bugs me when they grab his hand or whatever. I'm very aware of personal boundaries. When my son is older, if he shows an interest in someone and reaches out to that person, then that person is welcome to reach back and touch him. But that will be my son's decision, even if he's only a year or two old! Right now he keeps to himself, and I don't want anyone invading his space! I know it makes him nervous too. He usually starts crying as soon as a stranger touches him.

I don't know why people think that pregnant women's bellies and babies are fair game.