Where is my sweet little boy?!?

[calebsmama03]

ARGH!!! My son is driving me CRAZY these days! Aside from the fact that he is in that oh-so-busy toddler stage and is getting into EVERYTHING, he has now started HITTING! And spitting! He is just wild these days. He tries to kick me in the face when I change his dipes, he hits and slaps when I pick him up, throws things (ie: wood blocks, etc.) at our faces. I honestly don't know what to do with him! Our general m.o. is to hold his hand/foot and say something like "We don't hit/kick - that hurts/that is mean, etc". Last week it was kind of working to do a mini "time out" on the "purple couch" - it genuinely upset him and he knew he was being punished. Now it doesn't phase him. Due to experiences with my own father I DO NOT believe in hitting/spanking at all, plus it seems counter productive to hit a child in response to them hitting - how can I then say "hitting is mean" if I hit him? However, I am starting to believe that I must be doing it wrong and perhaps there is no way to raise a decent child without some form of corporal punishment!

I'm embarassed to admit it, but I actually cried when I found out I was having a boy because the only little boy I'd been around for any length of time was a friend's child and he is just *awful*! I worked daycare in college and have been around a lot of kids and can honestly say this is the only child I have ever truly disliked being around, and I was TERRIFIED that my son would inevitably be that wild/aggressive just by virtue of being a boy! Then I started thinking more rationally and reminded myself of all the perfectly lovely little boys I've watched in the past and decided that that boy is what he is due to a combo of his personality and parenting style. These friends believe in spanking but also don't put a lot of restrictions on him. Anyway, C's personality is genuinely sweet and loving, but he is getting so aggressive lately that I'm starting to question what I'm doing wrong here!

Whew - this got awful long and thanks for sticking with it this far! What have all of you done to help with hitting? I'm desperate for any suggestions to nip this before it gets completely out of control!
Lynne
Mommy to Caleb 3/3/03
http://www.gynosaur.com/assets/ribbons/ribbon_emerald_18m.gif[/img][/url]
Oh my!! #2 5/05

[houseof3boys]

Lynne I go through the same thing with Ryan. The hitting has gotten way better as has the biting phase he was into. I was very firm with him when he did it and would always say "We don't hit, hitting is bad and it hurts and we don't do it." It took a month and a half for it to stop. I read every thing I could to make sure that I was doing everything I could correctly. Of course the books say a few times and it should stop and that was a HUGE under-estimation!

You're not doing anything wrong either girlie, it's a toddler being a toddler and figuring out what is okay to do. You just need to be consistent with the words.

I have started to give Ryan time outs in the highchair and I set the timer on the microwave for 2 minutes and tell him it's a time out. He knows what he is doing is wrong and he knows that I will put him in the chair if he does it. This morning, he took a handful of rocks from the fireplace and I said put them back, he threw them all over the room and I said it's a time out! He gives me a kiss most of the time I go get him when the beep goes off and we don't discuss what the issue was. I think that's from Magic 123 or Happiest Toddler on the Block. If he would have started the biting/spitting thing at this age (and Caleb's older too), then I would have put him in the chair for time outs.

Ryan has hit a child at Gymboree on two occasions and fortunately one of the times, the mom was very cool since she had an agressive child. The other time, the mom was totally freaked out and I just had to keep Ryan away from her child since he was obsessesed with her bald head. :P

Caleb will be sweet again. He's still sweet but he's just testing the limits. You're doing great Lynne!!!!!

[mamicka]

Lynne,

I don't really have any suggestions for you - my little guy is in the beginning stages of this as well. I just want to reassure you that C is perfectly normal - the fact that he seems so wild & aggressive right now doesn't mean anything about how he will be as he grows-up. My father is a pediatrician & was a VERY strict disciplinarian growing up. I was so afraid that he would think that I'm not doing a good job because L is so wild sometimes. I was pleasantly surprised when he told me that L was a perfectly normal toddler & he was glad to see that he had such a strong personality.

Obviously you (& I) need to figure-out how to keep our kids under control, but don't worry so much. He's normal & so are you. :)

Allison

[calebsmama03]

Thanks guys! I think for SURE I over react to the behavior (in terms of worrying). In thinking about it more today, Caleb is usually the one getting hit/pushed and picked on by other kids, especially the other toddler in his child care setting because he is so sweet/sensitive. I think I worry because I know how I feel when I go to get him and he's all scratched up and I NEVER want another mama to feel that way because of MY son (ala Heather's post about the pusher). It's really only been maybe 2 weeks of this going on, but I'm trying so hard to stop it now - especially with a little one on the way.

So Debbie - Ryan can actually handle the 2 minutes for time out? I was concerned about the length of time and thought I'd read to do shorter ones for kids younger than 2 or 3 but can't find where I read it, so it depends on the situation but usually it's more like 30-45 seconds of "time out" on the purple couch for him. I like the timer idea, so maybe I'll start doing that - might teach him to pay attention/listen since the timer is what "sets him free", so to speak!
Lynne
Mommy to Caleb 3/3/03
http://www.gynosaur.com/assets/ribbons/ribbon_emerald_18m.gif[/img][/url]
Oh my!! #2 5/05

[houseof3boys]

Well, we tried the one minute but it didn't seem long enough. Honestly, he handles it fine. Maybe 20% of the time he cries for about 30 seconds but it's more of an irritated get me out of here cry! You are correct about the time, I think it is a minute for every year old they are. It just wasn't enough for him so I added another minute and it's worked out fine. DH gave him his first time last night since I told him he needed to be consistent (he hit the dog in the face with a book). He was amazed at the reaction that Ryan just knew it was coming. I just had to remind DH that when he got him out from the chair not to say anything related to the incident. When the beeper went off, Ryan smiled and gave DH a kiss when he got him out.

Try it for a minute (make sure there is some kind of bell or timer that goes off so he knows that is for him) and then see how Caleb does. I really reserve it for stuff that is blatant and that he knows is wrong so I don't overdo it. Boy, we could do time outs all day if I did that. :)

[KarenNYC]

I am glad to know that I am not along in dealing with a very cute and determined "monster child". Ryan is somewhat of a wild child and I am at my wits end. Any suggestions on books to read or techniques to try? I am ALL ears. Ryan bites sometimes (but only me) but has ants in the pants and rarely sits still. I can't seem to get him to sit and eat at the table - he likes to at on the run (literally) or will sit on the couch and watch tv and I know this is a really bad habit that I want to try to break him of now. I also have to unplug the tv as he likes it on even if he isn't watching it.

If i turn my back on him he is off and running and I have found him climbing up on the table and trying to grab the chandelier! Whoa. I think this is payback for every time I made some remark about people who had unruly kids (long before I had one of my own).

HELP! I'll say one thing - Caleb is a normal, rambunctious boy and you don;t seem to be doing anything wrong - but if you have found anything that works can you let me know????

[pixelprincess]

Hi Lynne,

I am sorry you are going through a rough patch. Please do not think that you are doing anything wrong to cause a behaviour change. Don't they call it the terrible two's? DS has been going through some recent behaviour changes that have been driving me nuts. I found a book called Unplugging Power Struggles at our local library which helps put a lot in perspective. It suggests that you want to control your child's behavior and the child wants to be under his own control. They offer several options and suggestions on handling situations when a power struggle occurs. One eg. in case of a power struggle with a remote control...they suggest three options. 1. Holding on and telling the child "No, you can't have the remote" and keeping it out of reach 2. Negotiate and keep the remote out of reach. Or lift him to turn the power off or on. 3. Let the child have the remote and eventually it loses fascination.

DS puts up a big fuss to get into his car seat...arching back, etc. He wants to stand and play with the light switch. I have found it easier to let him play for a couple of minutes (even if I am in a hurry) and then buckling him in. He isn't still happy about getting strapped in, but it is still easier.

Karen, I can totally relate. DS climbs everything! I have put all the chairs against the wall, far away from the table to avoid him climbing...mostly, hurting himself. He has disabled the child safety locks in the kitchen, the outlet covers and is pretty fearless. I think part of is that he is quite curious and interested in exploring.

I hope it passes for all of us!!