Not my finest moment: What would you have said/done?

[hez]

We've talked about other kids' behavior and our reactions to it before, but I'll admit to not paying close enough attention, because DS wasn't in those situations. So here's what happened:

DS and I were at a children's store this morning. I decided on some jammies, and he was getting tired of being carried. So, I put him in this little play area next to the checkout line that's really convenient because I could keep my eyes on him the whole time.

Two other kids joined DS when their mom came in the store. DS is VERY laid back, calm, reserved. In general when he interacts with other kids he's watching them. DH was like this as a kid, too. Anyway, the older of the two kids (she was maybe 4?) started making hideous faces at DS, and it seemed to be an attempt to get him to cry. DS just looked at her without crying so she stopped. Her little brother (maybe 3?) walked over to DS and pushed him. And when DS didn't fall the first time, the kid backed up and pushed him harder. DS, of course, fell down and cried a little.

My reaction was this: I asked DS to come over to get a hug and said loudly, "Did that mean boy push you down? I know he did, I saw him." DS jumped in my arms, I paid for his jammies, smiling the whole time at the clerk, and left. The other mother's reaction was this: NOTHING. She clearly heard DS cry, clearly heard my statement, and clearly chose to ignore it. What I would have preferred is if she would have had her DS apologize to mine, like I've seen my friends do with their kids in similar circumstances.

When I called DH, mad, he asked if I had keyed her car. }( Of course not, but it made me feel better to think about it...

In retrospect, I probably shouldn't have used the word 'mean', but I wasn't prepared for the situation. I'm torn between whether I should have walked over and told her what her kid did (it was pretty obvious!), used a similar statement without the word 'mean' in it, or what? It'll be good to get prepared for the next time, because I know it will happen.

[MartiesMom2B]

I probably would've said the same thing. I don't think you did anything wrong.

-Sonia

[McQ]

I think what you said was fine. I wouldn't have gone to speak directly to the mother either. But I would have made sure she heard me as you did. She should have told her son not to push. He needs to learn that.

Allison
~ mama to Declan 3.24.03 and Meghan 8.26.04

[quikeye]

I don't think you did anything wrong! *Mean* isn't a bad word, esp. when the actions seem so! But, the other mom may have been embarrassed to say anything (it was all happening fast for her, too) and maybe that's why she didn't. Or, maybe she's a meanie too :)

[Marisa6826]

I think you were perfectly fine in what you did. Personally, I don't know that I would have been that reserved.

Here's hoping both her kids have blowouts in their Huggies ;) :P

hugs

-m

[amp]

Her kid pushed yours down and you are worried about using the word mean?! That just shows that you have infintely more class than she does! Seriously, I felt bad reading about those kids being mean to your boy. I can clearly see that happening with Jake and my heart breaks to envision it. We know stuff is gonna happen, but we sure want to protect them from all the hurt in the world, don't we? Hugs to Payton for being such a sweet boy! And hugs to you mama, for doing the right thing!

[houseof3boys]

I think you did fine! I probably would have said more than you did. :P The mom was probably embarassed and is asking her friends if she did the right thing by ignoring it.

Go get em mommy.

[KBecks]

I dont know if this is any better, but I would have told the pusher -- Hey, Stop pushing! And physically held him back from my son, saying -- pushing is mean.

Yes, that would have gotten the mamas attention.

[redhookmom]

I would have said to ds "I know it hurts to get pushed, are you Ok, use your words and tell the little boy, pushing hurts-do not push me."

If I was the mother of the pusher I would have walked over taken the pusher out of the play area and said "pushing is not Ok, I hope the little boy is ok, you should check and see, do you need help asking...

[kristine_elen]

I think you're right that using the word "mean" probably made it less likely that the mom would apologize. My son has pushed other kids before -- he's playing (smiling and laughing) and doesn't realize this is wrong. He's not trying to hurt them. I always take him aside right away (really, it's only happened a couple of times) and tell him NO and say pushing is not OK. However, if another parent called him "mean" I think I would get defensive. (I'm not saying this is a good way to feel, but it's how I honestly think I'd react.) .... I guess when other kids pick on Jack, I try to blow it off (even though sometimes the mother in me wants to throttle the kid) and just remove him from the situation. If it were a child we saw on a regular basis, other action might need to be taken, but we've not really experienced that.

ETA: I should say, if that boy really was 3 years old, he should know better by now. (Of course, my son is not even 2 yet but he looks 3 or 4 b/c he's so big.) My gosh, pushing him twice?

[C99]

I don't think you can assume that the other mother heard you. What I do when kids are mean to Nate or acting inappropriately in general is to give them a verbal warning in the same way I would do if Nate was the aggressor. This sometimes makes me unpopular with the kid, but in the one instance that I can remember where the kid complained to his mom, I'm pretty sure that the mom told him that I was right. I would have said to the kid, "Please don't push him. It's not nice to push." and maybe "Can you say that you are sorry for pushing him?" I know other people may not like the idea that I would "parent" their children, but there are acceptable ways to treat other people IMO and if the other parent isn't going to reinforce that, I have no problem doing so. If Nate had been the pusher instead of the pushee, I would have said the same thing.

[lisams]

"I know other people may not like the idea that I would "parent" their children"

No, I think if the parent isn't paying attention you need to parent the other child. If I didn't notice DD pushing someone I would want someone to say something to her, she needs to learn (although hopefully I would see it happening and be right there to intervene)

Something similar happened at the park. The mom was on the bench reading and her little boy pushed and then pushed again until DD fell over (it happened so fast I couldn't' rescue her) I immediately spoke up for my DD and said "No pushing you may not push." pretty firmly and loud. Like you, I would have said the same thing to DD if she was doing the pushing. I try my best to model how I would want DD to react if she were old enough to do so.

Lisa

[Momof3Labs]

I'd probably say something to Colin like "Did you get pushed? It wasn't nice for that boy to push you, was it?" Basically addressing the behavior rather than labeling the child, you know? The hope, of course, is that the pusher hears it and understands that his behavior is the problem.

But it is just as important to impress on your child that the behavior is wrong, but it isn't something to get upset over (unless your child got hurt, of course) - it's not the last time that he'll get pushed, and I like having a child who can kind of shrug it off rather than get upset or mad (think retaliation) when he is pushed.

And I have to say that I'm fortunate that Colin isn't aggressive as other kids, so I'm not saying this defensively. He gets pushed and hit occasionally, though, and this is kind of what I've learned from experimenting with different responses.

[Tondi G]

oooh that would have made me mad too! When my DS was in a kinda of pushing stage I stayed close to him when we were around other children so I could prevent him from doing it.... I can't believe that other childs mommy didn't say/do anything!

I liked this response

"I know it hurts to get pushed, are you Ok, use your words and tell the little boy, pushing hurts-do not push me." If she was ignoring her children and then saw someone come over with their child and talk to her son as if he had done something wrong I would think she might feel the need to come over and see what was going on!

You could also have spoken to DS and said loud enough for the other child and mother to hear. "Pushing is not OK is it? It hurts. We don't use our hands for pushing do we. Hands are for Hugging NOT for pushing or hitting!

Your post kind of reminds me of one time DS was in the bookstore playing with a Leap Pad and a clearly older boy came over and started playing with DS. At first he was playing nicely... then he started changing the page before DS was done and next he started trying to pull the pen from DS's hands. I pulled DS away and said that boy obviouly wants a try so lets let him have a turn and then you can have a turn again. So the boys plays with it gets bored and walks away.... his mother was tending to his little sister. When DS went back to the leap pad the little boy came back over and started messing with DS again. My DS is VERY big for his age and very strong.... I don't think this little boy anticipated it so I waited to intervene and when the boys started to really fight about it( and my 2 year old was getting the best of this kid not giving up the pen, so I wasn't worried) I said, hey you guys if you can't play nicely then you can't play with that toy..... FINALLY his mom turned around in time to see her son reach up for my DS neck.... needless to say she did step in then and the boy got a real talking to..... I was glad! Sometime parents get so preoccupied with other things they forget they are supposed to be parenting their children!!!!

HUGS to you little guy though..... being shoved for no reason is not fair!

~Tondi
mommy to Mason 7/8/01
edd #2 5/5/05

[Melanie]

I think I would have done something similiar, without labeling the child, though. Now that I have a 3yo, I know even the most Angelic sometimes can get a bee in their bonnet over what seems like nothing to us.

ETA, I might have said something to the other child along the lines of, "Gentle Hands please...he doesn't like to be hit/pushed/etc." Or "Ds, it's okay to tell him you don't like him to touch you."

ETAA, to be perfectly honest and rather blunt, if you had called my child "mean," it would be a good thing for me to ignore your comment. I know you were probably shocked and upset your child was being treated that way, I do understand, but I would be very upset if an adult said something like that about my child in front of him. Though, I also would have been on him in an instant if knew he did something like that...and I try to keep a close eye in toddler-social situations.

[tinkerbell1217]

I would have done the same thing too. If my child had done that to another, I would have definitely had them apologize! Kids will be kids, of course. They all have their moments, but the mother was definitely at fault for not at least acknowledging the situation! You did nothing wrong!

[hez]

Thank you all so much for the ideas and for giving me your straight opinions. I will definitely be prepared in the future to leave my labeling to the behavior instead of the child. That's pretty much the only thing I regret doing yesterday (using mean to describe the child instead of his pushing). I don't know if it's in my personality to address the other child directly (unless it's a child of a good friend) but I appreciate hearing that point of view, too.

When DS has more words than 'Daddy', 'Doggy' and 'Uh-oh' I will definitely be using the tactic of asking him to help explain why it wasn't OK. In the meantime, I'm going to have to do at least some of the talking for him :) He's been learning to be so gentle with people and animals, I just hate to see him in that situation!

Thank you again!

ETA: I also appreciate all the support!!!!! How could I leave that part out? I got so many warm fuzzies reading your responses. Marisa, if I'd been drinking something when I read your post, I would have spit it all over the computer screen when I laughed!