Need some honest help on this one (Really long)

[barbarhow]

Way back in July I got in a rip roaring fight with my brother (I am sure I posted on the bitching post about it). It basically had to do with him being rude and disrespectful to me and after asking him repeatedly in the past not to do this he did it anyway and I blew. (This is after a childhood filled with verbal and emotional abuse from him) We were at my family's summer house and my mother was there and it turned into one of these nightmarish few days-my mother taking his side and telling him how I should apologize (with me standing in the next room so that I could hear)-me interjecting that I would not apologize for I had done nothing wrong-blah, blah, blah. A few weeks later I sent him an email further explaining to him (nicely) why I reacted the way I did and asking him if we could discuss it. No response-so I sent another email asking if he had gotten the first one. His reply-"Yup. Too busy to respond." Haven't heard from him since.
Fast forward to 2 weeks ago. I told my mother that we were planning on hosting Thanksgiving (as we have for the last 5 years so no big surprise there). She wanted to know who was invited. I told her-basically everyoone and made sure to include my brother on the list. So today when I called her I asked when she was planning on coming. "Well. I don't know. G. says he hasn't received an invitation." Now everyone else on the list-my other sibs and Tom's family, all asked us if we were doing it again this year and wanted to know what they could bring. We are in regular contact with them. I haven't called-partly because I am busy but mostly because I don't want to call him and I feel very ambivalent about whether he comes or not. So now my mother is not speaking to me and will not consider coming unless he does.
What I want to do is tell her that they deserve each other, I hope they enjoy each others company and leave it at that. I feel like I am always expected to be the bigger person and am exhausted from it. But of course I am the bigger person and am thinking that I really "should" send him an email inviting him. But what is wrong with his phone? And his typing fingers? Need some honest feedback. TIA.
Barbara-mom to Jack 3/27/03, a Red Sox fan
expecting #2, a Yankee fan, around 5/9/05!

[jbowman]

Barbara,

Here is honest advice coming from someone who is always the "bigger person:"

I'd send him an e-mail. At least that way you tried and you will ease the strife in the family. And if he and your mother don't come, that's their problem. But the reason I am suggesting that you send the e-mail is for your benefit, not his.

ITA--it is exhausting always being the bigger person, but I have a suspicion that it is even more difficult being the chaotic one. I think it can be liberating to let go, send the e-mail; your brother, on the other hand, has to hold everything inside, not respond, internalize, continue to be a jerk--and that's even more exhausting! Plus you don't need to worry anymore about "what you should do," what he's thinking, etc. It will be off your plate. JMHO.

I hope you take care of yourself, particularly after your scare the other day. Big hugs!

[aguinn]

barbara, big ((((hugs)))) to you! family politics SUCKS, especially around the holidays.

we are the family of "sweep it under the rug and no one will ever speak of it again", so i think that if things were out in the open for us (as you've indicated them to be in your situation), i would take the attitude of "suit yourself" and look to my immediate family and those other family and friends i can easily enjoy my time with without having to engrave an invitation in my own blood to make sure certain individuals are appeased.

life is too short to try to change other people. and who wants to be the one who always backs down in every bad situation? i'd let it go, but certainly would not go out of my way to make either of them happier in this situation.

just my opinion, based on many years of my own family crap-o-la! i don't know your family, but i know that you'll do what you feel is right for yourself and your family.

;)amy
proud momma to DS

http://lilypie.com/baby2/030729/1/5/1/-5/.png[/img][/url]

http://www.gynosaur.com/assets/ribbons/ribbon_gold_12m.gif Weaned @ 13 months

[jec2]

Ok, here is my honest feedback. However, I must say, I am very Pro-being the big person, and very pro-clear, direct communication.

I would say that if you honestly want to invite your brother then yes, you pick up the phone and extend the invite. Without you calling to invite him, there is just too much room for assumptions on both sides. If you don't really want your brother there, then don't call. It might be difficult to call and talk to him because of some lingering issues between the two of you.

If your mother (and your brother, should you invite him) decide not to come, then well, they decide not to come. I think they have that choice and for you to say something like they deserve each other to anyone other than us ( :) )and your DH is not being the big person. I know, I know, being big is hard. However, you can do it. Don't let other people change who you are and turn you into something less.

Hope that helps.

[californiamom]

ITA with Jill.

I think being the "bigger person" is sometimes exhausting. But boy, that's way better than being the jerk! :-)

I am all for family peace and union. I know sometimes it is VERY hard but life has taught me that our time around here is too short and we need not to take anyone -- even the people who hurt us -- for granted. We will not live forever, YKWIM?

Anyway, again I'm ITA with Jill. Send an e-mail since picking up the phone could be a bit too much for you to swallow right now. But I would put the invitation out there and keep the issue out of my hands. Pass on the hot potato to them. :-) Do your part, and let the others do theirs and live with their own decision.

Good luck and keep us posted!

[miki]

I agree with Jill and Ana. But I also think that even if your brother deigns to make an appearance at your home for the Thanksgiving festivities, it should be with the understanding that his behavior which upset you before will not happen again. If that is too much for him, I think it's better for you in the long run not to have that kind of conflict and just let it go.

[memedee]

Holidays are very stressfull and Thanksgiving can be particularly chaotic.
Send him the e mail and stuff the bird with valium.Maybe he will be less controversial.;-)
I think creating an issue will only escalate what seems to be an already bad situation.
Too bad your mother takes sides in this.
Her involvement makes it very hard for you and your brother to work on your relationship.

[urquie]

hhhhm... i wonder what would happen if you sent him a nice email asking him to call you to talk about thanksgiving?

[jamsmu]

Hey Barbara,

Family squabbles are NEVER fun.

That being said, I'd either e-mail him, or leave a message at his home when you know he won't be there. Something really casual like, "hey, I'm finalizing the plans for Thanksgiving and haven't heard whether or not you plan to attend. Please let me know."

That way, yeah, you're being the bigger person--which is a PITA coming from an older sister/people pleaser-- but you'll also be making your life so much easier in the long run. This way, balls in his court and he can't use the excuse that he didn't come because he wasn't invited (which is what happens with us with DH's family, because his step sisters never invite us). So if he doesn't come, everyone can speculate on their own, but you'll know that he's just being stubborn. As for your mom, I'd then wait a few days and casually mention that you hadn't heard back from him after you e-mailed/left a message. Now she really has no excuse for not coming. She can't hold it against you because your bro isn't coming (if he doesn't.) And if he does come, it sounds like a big enough gathering for you to say a quick hello and then blow him off all night--you'll be so busy entertaining you just won't have time. (dramatic sigh)

It sucks that Thanksgiving can be such a wonderful, warm time, but often ends up being a terrible time of family junk.

But, keep your chin-up. You're the host of a beautiful tradition, and I'm sure you do a great job.

And when you take turns giving thanks, you can say that you are thankful for answering machines and e-mail!

[Marisa6826]

Sorry if this doesn't make sense - fever induced delusion here...

You know that I have more than enough psycho Mother experience, so personally, I would call your Mother's bluff and tell her, fine if she doesn't want to come, more turkey for you!

I think that family holidays come with enough drama. You don't need this sending you to the hospital again!

If your brother is being such a jerk (and that's being nice), then he doesn't deserve to come. You've already tried twice to reach out to him. Enough is enough.

Stand your ground!

love ya Girlie!

-m

[bostonsmama]

ITA with Marissa, sorry. I've had one too many obnoxious encounters with my mother favoring her sons over her daughter (me). Once, she got involved in a fight my older bro and I were having, and she apologized to him for me (in front of me). For the past two and a half decades, I've had to be the bigger person. Shortly after the argument, she called me up and fussed at me for being difficult and not letting things go, so I hung up on her and didn't return her calls for a week. My gosh, that ended her crap really quickly! The messages on the answering machine got progressively nicer and more apologetic. That's when I picked up the phone and (using "I" language, ala "I felt hurt by your criticism; I felt unsupported even though I had a valid concern; etc) explained my case and quietly resolved things before the holidays. Ever since then, my mother has been good about staying out. But she says she can't help it; she's a man-lover! Ack. I think it's because my bro is just like her and I'm just like my dad, whom she divorced! I'm sending healing vibes your way for the holidays. I would do whatever you feel led to do.

[MartiesMom2B]

Barbara:

I can kind of relate to your post. DH just does not like his sister. His mom tries to get them to be all buddy buddy, with the "after I die all you are going to have are your sisters". Last year they kind of had a blow up, because DH was tired of having to be the bigger person. Why is he the one who is supposed to call, e-mail, visit her, when her and her family do not reciprocate. I just talked to him and told him that he doesn't have to like her but for the sake of the rest of the family just be cooly polite to her. He doesn't have to engage in warm conversation, but he should just still be polite. I think you should do the same to your brother. I would send an e-mail invitation that's very down to the point. Should he decide to come, just be polite with him. If he arrives just ask him how he is and then let him slump into the corner with your mother. Ignore anything else he may have to say, or just brush him off. Not only will you be the bigger person, but you'll probably feel better not having to think of different methods of revenge to get at him, and the rest of your family (not including your mother) will be more at ease around the both of you.


Hugs,
-Sonia

[NEVE and TRISTAN]

Barbara,
I have not read others responses so here is my opinion...
I would send him a gracious invite and leave it at that...what they decide to do from there is their choice, and if they decide to not come PLEASE don't wear that and make the best of your day.

It does sound like you are xpected to take the high road and kind of wonder if that is because your mom knows that you are capabable of that vs your brother. I'm not suggesting to always take the high road either...but I think in this case if you invite press "send" you'll feel better no matter the outcome.

Big hugs to you and make certain if they do not come that you come to terms with it instantly...and don't let them win by ruining your day and your family event!!!!

You don't deserve this...you are one of the sweetest people and I hate that they would even do this to you!!!!
Keep us posted...but most of all enjoy the day with the family that you want to be surrounded by!!!!!

Big hugs,

Neve and Tristan born Feb 25, 2003
* EDD 3/19/05 Baby girl BRONWYN
* Adopting siblings in Ukraine 12-10-04
http://home.nc.rr.com/ourbabytristan

[candybomiller]

My honest thoughts on this:

It sounds to me like you don't need people like your brother and your mother in your life. Certain people just add more stress, and Lord knows you don't need more stress right now. If not having your brother/mother there won't make you sad, then call your mom's bluff. Some things are just not worth the aggravation. Try to make it a holiday that YOU can enjoy rather than making it tense and awkward with everyone just waiting for the blowup that everyone knows is going to happen.

Do what YOU think is best. If you don't want to be the "bigger person" then don't. FWIW, I don't think it's worth it in this case.

[psophia17]

There have been a million times when I want to abandon dealing with my mother. I love her, but I don't like how I feel when I'm dealing with her. DH and my best friend have both often encouraged me to cut ties, based entirely on the fact that I am unable to defend myself when she gets going, and then I end up depressed and miserable and there's no telling when it'll blow over.

But I can't cut ties, it's just not in me to do it, and so there has to be space. Calling my mother's bluff has worked a bunch of times, she'll usually let up withher criticism and pessimism when I tell her off and walk out. Usually a week or two will go by and she'll make the first move, her version of an apology, and then whatever it was will never be spoken of again.

With your brother, based on my experience with my mother, I would probably call when I knew he wasn't home and ask if he was coming. If he does, he does, if not, well, you tried. Your mother is a tougher situation in my book, but if you have the fact that you did call on your side and you tell her that, you're the bigger person and she will have no ground to stand on. Then if she wants to convince your brother to come, she can, and she's also left with the decision about whether to come herself. If the whole family, except for her and him, are at your house, well, that proves that you are the bigger person.

It is exhausting to go through this kind of thing, and often, not worth the trouble to do so. Unfortunately, the people who are having the problem trying to resolve it are usually the sensitive, caring ones who want to feel good about their family members, and are hurt when those family members just don't let them.

Good luck, and keep us posted.

[JacksMommy]

Barbara, what a tough situation. You've received a lot of good feedback both encouraging you to do what you secretly desire to do and encouraging you to go ahead and invite your bro, be the bigger person. Most of us have a tendency to advise what we would choose to do in that situation, which makes sense, but may not necessarily apply to you. My feeling is that only you can decide which one of these works for you at this time. Both have their consquences. Being the bigger person will help this blow over at this particular time but you will have to face these issues again and again. Telling your mother off and not inviting your brother (although clearly he probably knows from your mother that you said he was invited when you spoke to her two weeks ago) would bring things to a head, and they might blow up. That's not necessarily a bad thing, but it's something to be prepared for and to plan for how to handle it since hurtful things are likely to be said. There is absolutely a time and a place for choosing either option, and I think it has to do with how sick-and-tired you are of bro's (and mom's) behavior, how ready you are to do battle (or at least take a wave of criticism), etc.

Good luck, and let us know how it goes.

Laurel
WOHM to Jack, 6/4/02
EDD baby girl 12/24/04

[barbarhow]

You guys are wonderful. Helped me sort it all out and go back in with a clear head. I sent my brother an email and told him we were hosting Thanksgiving and he was welcome to join us and to please let us know.
I then began a second paragraph and told him I was disappointed that he never responded to my email. I told him I still felt strongly about what I had said but that I would apologize for the forum in which they were said (with my mother present.) I also apologized for my anger but explained that his refusal to talk (literally he refused to say a word) and my mother taking his side was infuriating. And then I said I still hoped that at some point we could discuss it further.
I actually sent it late last night. He should have gotten it today at work. No response. Big surprise (yeah right). But I can hold my head up and know that I tried. And if they don't come we can use the regualr table and not have to worry about making a bigger table top to fit on the DR table. :-) Their loss.

ETA-while on the one hand there is a part of me that wants to cut my mother out of my life entirely-another part of me retains hope that she will somehow evolve into a human being. Unfortunately my hope ends up leaving me crushed fairly often. Like when she came when Jack was born and wouldn't hold him unless I made her. It was the weirdest thing. However, now that he is older and can interact with her she is great with him. So with another baby on the way, I keep holding onto that glimmer of hope that some day she will wake up and be normal. (I can dream...) Thanks all for yuor insights, input, humor and compassion. It makes it so much easier. Especially since DH just doesn't get it. His family gets along!!!

Barbara-mom to Jack 3/27/03, a Red Sox fan
expecting #2, a Yankee fan, around 5/9/05!

[alkagift]

Yay, Barbara! You did the right thing. You're right, it is a complete weight to feel as though you are obligated to be the bigger person when the other person fails to reciprocate--but somebody has to do it. Honestly, when that person is me I feel aggravated and angry at first but so much better after, so I know it was worthwhile and if positive things result, you can do a little happy dance!

Allison
Mommy to Matthew Clayton, 5/19/03

[KBecks]

Here's a few ideas...

You need to let your brother know, preferably ahead of time, that you won't take any crap from him, especially IN YOUR HOUSE. If he starts to pull that sh*t on Thanksgiving, pull him aside, and tell him that he can cut the crap or leave and he won't be invited again. Set the expectations up front, and try to make some consequences for bad behavior, just as you would with children.

With your mom, she makes a choice. Tell her that you have invited the bro and are looking forward to a great T-day with all of them. Also let her know that you expect everyone to get along for the holiday, but also that you will stand up for yourself if any guest treats you badly.

Do your best to be calm and assertive, not angry or emotional in front of them. (Let it out later with a pint of Ben & Jerrys if you need to.)

Also, know that you can't change people. It sucks that your mom chooses the brother, but it might be because she wants "peace" even if it's pretend peace. Be polite but don't sacrifice your well being for the fam. Also, it's great that you will flex a little so your kiddos have at least some sort of relationship with their grandmother. It wont' be perfect, or normal (what's that?) but if it can be any sort of occasional positive experience without any cr*p, that's a huge success.

Hugs and good luck!