What to do for friend? (Loss mentioned)

[pritchettzoo]

Thank you for your prayers and thoughts for Christopher, my friend's premature son who was born at 25 weeks. He was almost a month old, but today his heart failed. His mom was able to hold him for the first time as he passed. I am so completely at a loss for words and gestures for her. I'm honestly glad that my husband answered the phone tonight. They're not sure if there will be a ceremony, and she's going to go home to her parents' in PA for several weeks. I'm not sure she will return to GA.

I cannot think of anything that would help. I keep thinking what would I do if something happened to Gracie. That's probably terribly selfish, but I just keep hugging my girl and telling her she can never leave me.

Please think of Julia as she deals with this, and if you have any suggestions for what we could do, I would be grateful.

Anna
Mama to Gracie (Sept '03)

[Marisa6826]

Girlie-

I'm so sorry to hear that he didn't make it. One of the most memorable and touching things we received when Harry died was a donation in his name to the March of Dimes. It completely floored us and I continue to think about it to this day.

If she is at all religious, you might want to go and have a mass said in his name. The church will usually either give you or mail her a mass card informing her of this.

hugs

-m

[deborah_r]

I will keep your friend in my thoughts, how awful for her and her husband. I cannot imagine the pain.

I would not know how to help either, Anna, it is so hard to know.

[Java]

Oh Anna, I'm so sorry to hear about your friend. What a terrible terrible thing to happen. My heart breaks for her. I would also be at a loss for words. No words would ever be adequate.

I also think a donation in his name is a great idea. We had a fried do that for us with our loss and it was a touching gesture that I think of often.

[mekiemom]

My heart is aching for them, I don't know what to say to help you help them but I just wanted to offer my heartfelt support and prayers for you and your friends.
Jenn

[jk3]

I'm so sorry for your friend. That is beyond sad. I think the donation is a great idea. In these situations, friends + family are usually at a loss as to how to respond and some keep their distance so an acknowledgement might be appreciated.

Jenn
DS 6/03

http://lilypie.com/baby2/030603/2/5/1/-5/.png

[rrosen]

I am so sorry for the loss of Christopher. My thoughts are with your friend Julia and her DH. I can't imagine the sadness they are feeling. I think a donation is a wonderful idea, I am sure would be appreciated.

[jbowman]

I am so sorry, Anna. I feel so sad for your friend. I will pray for her and for her family.

[papal]

:(
May his little soul rest in peace. This is just hearbreakingly sad. A donation to the March of Dimes would be such a nice gesture.. i am sure they would appreciate the thought. Whenever I am thinking of someone but just don't know what to do, I always send a book, any of my favourite reads... i am not sure if this is a good idea or not but I hope it gets their mind of their sadness for at least a few minutes of the day.

[brigmaman]

My heart goes out to Julia and her family. I agree with you, Marisa regarding possible actions to take. Those are two things I wouldn't have thought of, but are wonderful ideas.

[NEVE and TRISTAN]

When my friend lost her baby at 36 weeks last year (she is pregnant again and due 4 weeks to the day after me for those that remember her story)...we got her several PJs with nice waist bands and of course food food food for the family for several weeks...

She has had to talk about it (obviously) often and we are always there all ears, shoulders whatever she needs. She has said being able to talk about it and not having people ignore that it happened was very important...

She loved the PJs and said a pretty set gave her the excuse to lounge around them all day and feel "pretty"...

Thoughts are with you friends...
what an awful situation to be in...

Neve and Tristan born Feb 25, 2003
* EDD 3/19/05 Baby girl BRONWYN
* Adopting siblings in Ukraine 12-10-04
http://home.nc.rr.com/ourbabytristan

[egoldber]

I am very sorry for your friend's loss.

I agree with the PPs that acknowledging your friend's loss is important. So many people have no idea what to say, so they just say nothing and ignore. Even a card saying "I have no idea what to say, but I am so so sorry for the loss of your little boy" would be appreciated.

A donation to an appropriate charity or research organization would be a nice gesture as well.

HTH,

[McQ]

Anna, I am so sad for your friend's loss. I have tears just thinking of her holding her little boy. May he be in peace and that Julia find peace some how, some day. I'm sure she has a long hard road ahead. I'll be thinking of them.

Allison
~ mama to Declan 3.24.03 and Meghan 8.26.04

[cinrein]

I'm so sorry. Your friend and her DH are in my thoughts and prayers.

Nothing to add, other than I found it touching when people remembered my angel. It's so hard to "return" to life and find that everyone acts like nothing ever happened, while your heart is aching. I promise you won't upset her if you mention Christopher by name from time to time and ask her how she's doing.

Cindy and Anna February 2003

[candybomiller]

I cannot even begin to imagine the pain that Julia must be in. I've suffered a miscarriage, but this seems so much worse. She and her family are in our thoughts and prayers.

You never know what's going to help make her feel better. It was a completely offhand remark from a stranger on an airplane that helped me. As we all know, I'm a talker and tell my life story to anyone who's stuck with me for more than 5 minutes! Anyway, he told me that my mom and my grandmother were with Elizabeth and they were all having a great time.

I was so stuck in my grief that I couldn't even begin to look at it that way. Once he said that something just clicked for me.

I know that was a random story. I guess what I'm trying to say is make sure to give her time to grieve, but don't feel discouraged if she tries to shut you out. Be persistent and know that she needs you. Don't give up on her.

[amp]

I am so sorry for your friend's loss. What a terrible, terrible tragedy. You've gotten some sweet, thoughtful suggestions. Also, just be there for her and understand that this loss will likely continue to haunt her even when the rest of the people she knows stop asking how she is. Check back with her even when you think she's handling her grief well. Hugs to you and to her.

[JacksMommy]

Definitely call and send a note, at the very least. The worst thing to do is nothing! It won't matter what you say, just that you are thinking of them. A friend of mine suffered a loss and mentioned to me that she really appreciated my answering machine message that made it clear I didn't need to hear back from her unless she felt like talking - I think sometimes all the well-wishes can feel like a burden if the person feels they then have to call/write everyone back. I don't think a gift is necessary but if you are inspired by some of the ideas above, they all sound lovely.

Laurel
WOHM to Jack, 6/4/02
EDD baby girl 12/24/04

[jec2]

anna, I'm so sorry for your friend. I had forgotten about this and am sitting here crying thinking about losing a baby :(

I think that just offering yourself is wonderful. Other than that, maybe a sapling to plant in his honor?

[starrynight]

I'm so sorry for her loss :(. I have no idea on gifts or anything, I will keep Julia in my thoughts.

[alkagift]

Wow, Anna, I'm so sad for her. How awful, awful.

When my grandfather passed away many of the members of the family planted dogwoods and I can say that as the pain eased, it was wonderful to look at "Papa's trees." So, I would second the planting recommendation, even if what you do is donate to Trees Atlanta or something similar instead of digging the hole yourself, so to speak. Here's a link if you want to do that in ATL: http://www.treesatlanta.org/memorial.html


Allison
Mommy to Matthew Clayton, 5/19/03

[amazz]

Anna--
When I was getting ready to move away from home after high school I was pulling stuff out of the top of my closet and this shoe box fell on my head. I had never seen it before and couldn't imagine what it was doing up there. When I opened it I found all the sympathy cards my mom received when her first baby was still born. She still has them--I don't know if she ever looks at them, but for her to have kept them for almost 29 years, they are very important to her.

So just by sending her a card and encouraging others to do the same you will be helping her deal with her grief.

Angela
Mama to Kami Allyse (10/10/04)
A baby is God's opinion that the world should go on. ~Carl Sandburg

[alexsmommy]

You've received some great suggestions. My clients who have lost babies have all indicated that the simple gesture of acknowledging the loss of a child was very powerful, as some people didn't know what to say and said nothing. As one poster said, letting her know you are thinking of her but don't need to hear back from her unless she wants to talk is helpful. Other clients have also had a donation made to the March of Dimes in their child's name a were very moved. If there are a group of people who want to go in on something, hospital grade (usually plastic covered cushions) rocking chairs with a small plate saying "In loving memory of X" donated to the NICU he was in are also a great idea. Check with the NICU social worker for assistance on how to do this. Also, blankets, clothes, etc donated to the NICU in her sons name are also nice.
Alaina
Alex 2-4-03

[mysweetboy]

Anna, I don't have any suggestions to add but wanted to let you know that I'm thinking of your friend and her family.

Lori
mommy to Charlie, 6 months old!

[Calmegja2]

I'm so very sorry for your friend's loss. Peace to her, and to you.

When our son died, one of the most touching things done for me was a a gift of a beautiful box, with his name on it. It gave me a place to keep his things, for memory. I always know where it is, and it brings me a lot of comfort, to know that I can go through those things if I need to.

[mudder17]

Anna, just reading the suggestions and your story has moved me to tears. I am so touched by the support and love in this group and the wonderful suggestions that they have made. Definitely just letting her know that you are there for her when she's ready is a wonderful idea and will give her something to hold on to when she's ready. And as many pp have suggested a donation to the March of Dimes or the NICU in his name is a wonderful idea and will give her something to hold onto in the future. But I also like the idea of a tree in his name.

Anna, hugs to you and your friend. I'll keep her in my prayers.

Eileen

Mother of Beautiful Kaya, www.chemicalgraphics.com/kaya
http://www.babysfirstsite.org/newtickers/ticker/16994.birthday.png

http://www.gynosaur.com/assets/ribbons/ribbon_amber_9m.gif Breastfed 9 months and counting