Moms of One (and not having any more)....

[Misha412]

Are you happy with your decision to stop with one child? Now that DS is about to turn one, we have started to talk about if, when, why for Baby #2, and I have to tell you, my feelings are mixed.

Part of me really wants Gav to have a sibling, because I have three sisters that I adore and could not imagine life without. I also always saw myself as having two or more children, but since I started so late I am now okay with just two. I also love, love, love my sweet boy and think being his mother is the best thing I ever did with my life.

The other part of me -- the one that loves her career, loves pretty things for my home and loves going out and seeing the world -- thinks that one is plenty. I also have a very bad back and lifting my ever-growing meatball is putting me to bed with the heating pad more often then ever. I also had a terrible go 'round with the baby blues/mild PPD after he was born and I'm not looking forward to going through that again.

Can you moms of one offer me any insight? Regrets? Happiness with your choice? I'm not ready to make the decision yet, but all of you seem to have given me great advice in the past, so I'm looking forward to what you have to say.

Thank you in advance for sharing your thoughts with me!


Michele
Mommy to Gavin, 12/4/03

[jesseandgrace]

My sister has, and will only have just one. He is eight now. She is very happy with her decision. She likes her own time, she likes to travel, etc. It is much easier for her to do this with one, and it gets easier the older he gets. He is very close to my two, so it is kind of like he has a brother and a sister. She constantly had questions about when the next one would come, people do not seem to respect that she only wants one, but now that he is older that is letting up. Good luck with your decision. I have a little bit of the same thing going on in that we always thought we would have three, but now two seems like plenty!

[aliceinwonderland]

My DH and I will ONLY have Erik... No vasectomy yet (we're both 26, but mature enough to know we MIGHT change our minds, hehe). I THOROUGHLY enjoy my son, but my PERSONAL (no flaming, I realise this is a parents' board) motto is "there's other things to do in life besides having kids"
Having said that, I should specify that Erik will be our only biological child, I have always wanted to adopt, and we will probably embark on international adoption (Eastern Europe, an orphanage I used to voluneer at) in 8 or 10 years.
Some of the motivations you list (prety things, travel, time with DH alone, time for myself, etc) are some of our motivations.

Frankly, I'm selling Erik's outgrown items now (pram, infant carseat, babybjorn), and feel VERY slight regret/twinge..., not very much at all..

ETA: One child-ers :) by choice might be rare here in the US, but in Western Europe (Italy, Germany, etc) people rarely have more than 2 kids. Another reason for DH and I is that the way we want to raise Erik(international vacations every summer, decent schools, etc) and the opportunities we want to afford get EXPENSIVE very fast. Since we are not rich by any measure of the word, one child is all we can afford (by our standarts).

ETA 2: I re-read your post. The sibling issue is the main thing I worry about (as a matter of fact, I was about to post on that very issue), but I also have 2 sisters, and I'm hoping their future children will provide some companionship for my son. As it is, Erik is now the center of the world for his maternal grandparents, his 2 aunts and his mom and dad who dote because they know this is the only baby they get. I know he's well on his way to be a spoiled brat, and while spoiled kids are cute, I can't say the same about adults ;)

[rottiemom]

One child here & absolutely no plans for another. While I think that siblings would be wonderful he's very close in age to his two cousins who live in the same town, will be going to the same schools, etc, so it'll be almost like having siblings. It took 10 years for this little guy to get here, I'm just happy to have him.

As every baby is different so is every pregnancy & there's no guarantee that you'd end up with PPD again but I can understand your hesitancy in light of that. And bad backs are no joke. Having suffered through a herniated disc I went into the whole childbirth thing with a "wait & see" attitude regarding drugs as opposed to the empahtic "how quickly can they hook up the epidural?" attitude that other women I knew had. Thanks to my back I already had a reference for extreme pain!

BTW-Our idea of a great vacation is to load up the motorcycles & ride across a few states so needless to say having a baby has put a crimp in that big time. A second child wouldn't change that any, except that we'd need a bigger sidecar. I love the idea of European vacations, but only if I can have a bike waiting for me once I get there ;-)...and my idea of nice things are a new set of pipes for one of my vintage bikes. I'm nuts, I know.

Nina

[deenass]

My husband suffers from a chronic illness, which flared its ugly head before I got pregnant and again this year, so DS might be it for us. I don't want to raise a child on my own (who really does?) and dealing with his illness and DS can be overwhelming. Plus, because of meds DH is now on any subsequent pg will require intervention, so not sure if I'm really up to that. In addition, if DH would ever have to leave his job b/c of his illness, the burden of work will fall to me along with the parenting.

That being said, I worry about DS having to carry the burden of a chronically sick parent alone. My DH and his sister are VERY close. They lost their mom a few years ago and know that they really depended on each other (and still do). So, the fact that DS won't have that makes me sad.

It's not a decision that is set in stone for us, but my DS will be toilet trained, sleeping through the night, getting himself dressed and probably be in school before we even REALLY visit the topic again.

[aliceinwonderland]

That's another one of my considerations...There's three of us to take care of my parents, and I do not want Erik to bear that burden alone when the time comes...

[peanut4us]

we just have one right now. ANd I'm on the fence about having another. If it were up to DH, we'd have at least 2 more, if not 3! Yowza! I think my upper limit is 2. I am an only child. And I don't feel any sort of "missing out" because of it. I had a pretty decent childhood. And even if your kid doesn't have cousins, etc around, your son can play with the kids in your neighborhood. Honestly, the only time I ever somewhat regret not having a sibling is when my DH's siblings are being the biggest morons ever and he still puts up with them. I am totally lost on how his relationship with his siblings "feel", KWIM?

If we do have another kid, it won't be for another 4-6 more years. I hope to start law school in the Fall and I can't be pregnant or have a new born through that. I had a rough last trimester with my DD and my OB has told me that it is very likely to be worse with a subsequent pregnancy and occur earlier. So there's that factor.

The other is that I just love and enjoy my daughter so much. I love her more each day and I love the new phases that she goes through. And I can't imagine being able to enjoy it as well with more than her. Not saying other people can't... I'm sure they do, but for me, I like to just focus on her. Also, I haven't yet yearned for a child in a phase that she has already grown out of, KWIM? Definately no baby-hungriness here.

I think it's really personal, and I think it's what you are comfortable with. For me that's more of an emotional statement rather than a monetary one. I'm just really happy with how our family is right now.

[jayali]

My husband and I go back and forth on this topic so often. Our son is 6 months and we originally thought we would have another, but the more we discuss it the more our son will likely be an only child. Matthew has lots of cousins and I have some friends that have only one child and I think that Matty will grow up with their children.

We feel really lucky to have one healthy child. I am older (41) and had a miscarriage before we had Matty. Quite honestly I am not sure that we want to chance another pregnancy. Also, selfishly, one child is REALLY easy. I made the decision to stay home for now, but know that with one, if I decide to go back to work it will be easier to do so. Also with one, life in general, for both my husband and me, will be easier.

As a note about the burden of caring for aging parents falling to one child. I have two brothers and a mother who has been declining for some years now. While I love my brothers, I am the primary care-taker, and the person that I rely on most is my husband. I hope that Matthew will find a great person to share his life with who will help him in later years with the emotional issues of aging parents. I really don't want to burden him with taking care aging parents so hopefully we can do some good planning and he won't have too big of a burden.

HTH

[aliceinwonderland]

I won't ask whether you've heard from any schools, it early still. I did everything EARLY, excpet that the school I ended up attending was an afterthought, so I applied late(AFTER I had sent everything in at the other schools and even heard from some of them), and did not hear from my present school till April!!

:)

[chlobo]

I'm very much on the fence about this also. DD was a very challenging child early on (lots and lots of sleep issues). Plus I'm not getting any younger. So, on the one hand I feel that I'd like to have another soon so DD has a sibling. On the other hand I would probably commit myself if I had another child who had sleep issues or colic. But I do really want DD to have a sibling.

[asha]

Same issue here too. DS and I keep talking about this. He is fine with one kid only. I am not so sure. Before DS was born, I was very sure also. Now I feel otherwise. We are from India and dont have any family here. Even though I have a very large family back home, DS is not going to experience any of that. Even if we do end up miving back to India, his childhood will probably be here.
I dont want my son to be all alone with no siblings, cousins, grand parents, uncles, aunts and everyone else.

Any adults who grew up like that and have opinions on this, would you mind sharing your thoughts on this.

THanks.

[slknight]

I don't think we are having any more biological children. I am interested in adoption, but I don't know if we will or not, so there is the fairly real possibility that DS will be an only child. I posted before about risking another pregnancy. I had an awful, high-risk pregnancy with DS and have a genetic blood disorder that would make another pregnancy challenging (although not impossible). But honestly, my pregnancy with DS took a very strong emotional and physical toll on me and I don't think that I can psychologically do it again. Although I know this, I'm not quite sure I'm happy with it.

I don't really miss any stages we've gone through. And I certainly don't want to be pregnant again. But, like others, I'm not sure how I feel about DS being an only. Both DH and I have siblings that we get along with pretty well. I'm not sure I want DS to miss out on that. I think that adoption really might work for us, but we're not quite to that point yet.

[MelissaTC]

Holy cow! When did Alex get so big??? He is adorable...

[Vajrastorm]

We're thinking only one.

My pregnancy was rough, the first year of Aine's life was rough ...
She had colic for 3 months, and at 14 months is till up an average of 4-5 times a night. I love her to pieces, but she is an intense child who needs a lot of hands on parenting. I also have a house full of pets, and I only have so much energy in me. I feel like if we had more, I'd be short changing everyone. I don't want to turn into a frazzled mommy who yells. :(

My dh was an only and loved it. He has no worries about raising an only.

I don't think there is a wrong number of children. Every couple should decide what is the right family size for THEM. The kid(s) will adjust.

[jubilee]

I think that I can give a little spin on this issue. I had Jacob almost 13 years ago, and even when I was pregnant with him, I said he would be my only child- mostly because his father really wasn't fit to be a father. So, I resigned myself to the fact that I wasn't having anymore. Years went by and I actually grew to enjoy that he was going to be an only child- I could focus all my time and attention on him. He and I became very close (not that it wouldn't have happened if I had other kids- but who knows?). Anyway, I got divorced and when I was getting married again, my now-hubby Tom and I went to premartial counseling. A big issue during it was that I didn't want to have anymore kids. Tom was okay with that, and loves Jacob as his own and even adopted him. So, a few more years went by and suddenly it hit me... I wanted to have another baby. I went from a I-NEVER-want-another-child mom to weaping that I wanted to be pregnant so bad. And I got pregnant and was delighted. Having kids 11 years apart isn't "plan A" in most people's book... but I really recommend it. It is fabulous!! So, if you're NOT ready now (and you're still young) maybe consider waiting to make the decision about another baby. If I had to do it all over again, I'd do exactly the same thing- have kids 11 years apart. And I'd learn "never say never"!!

[Judegirl]

I know you asked for people whose decisions have been made already, but I wanted to let you know that you're not alone in your ambivalence.

I always thought I wanted 4 - preferably 2 biological and 2 adopted. And now I'm thinking maybe I just want one! I like big families, and I think siblings are important. But selfishly...I just don't wnat to give any of my time with my daughter up. This may change, but right now I just can't imagine sharing her, and sharing my time with another...I already resent everything that takes me away from her, and that concerns me. Also, I can't wrap my mind around how differently I'll have to raise a second baby - to have built my life around my first baby and then essentially squeeze a second into it...I just can't feel okay about that.

Good luck with your decision - hope parents of onlies here are good sources of perspectives for you!

Jude

[lmintzer]

BOTH of my parents are onlies, and I watched them suffer through the difficulty of taking care of their aging parents--alone. It was very sad. Holidays were also very small events with no aunts, uncles, or first cousins. These things definitely were in the back of my mind when dh and I talked about having kids. We knew we wouldn't stop at one (even though ds#1 was a colicky, miserable infant and is still incredibly intense and spirited). Two, though, may be it for us. I hate to say this out loud, but if my kids were easier (well, if kid #1 was easier), my whole outlook on parenting would be different. I definitely would be thinking seriously about baby #3.

When having discussions like these, I think many underestimate the role child temperament (and parent/child temperament fit or match) has in the determination of family size. To us, it's probably the largest (though not the only) factor in our decision.

[June Mommy]

My DS is only 4 months old, but at this point I can pretty definitively say he wll be an only child. Before I had him I wanted 2, preferably a boy and a girl (I REALLY wanted to have a girl.) But it turned out that I would have 2 miscarraiges and come close to losing DS several times during the pregnancy. Then I had a life-threatening delivery that it was a miracle that I and my uterus both survived. So medically, it is not advised that I have any more children. Medical issues aside, though, I still don't think I want any more. I had a hard recovery, including PPD. And my DS was (is) a wonderful baby, but caring for a newborn is the hardest thing I have ever had to do. I can't imagine doing it again, with DS to care for too. I would feel that someone wasn't getting 100%. And I know in my head that I would love another child just as much, but in my heart right now I can't imagine ever loving another child as much as I love my DS! My DH is in total agreement with me about all of it. He says he will never put me through the delivery that I had again. (I was out of it so I didn't know what was going on until it was over, but he was really afraid he was going to lose me.) The biggest thing I am sad about is that I will never be pregnant again. Problems aside, I loved being pregnant. I felt great (after the 1st trimester!) and I loved feeling DS move inside me. That is my biggest regret about not having any more children. I would be willing to think about a surrogate or adoption, but in all probability DS will be an only child. I was an only child until I was 10 years old, and though I was always asking for a brother or sister, I had a really happy childhood. I want to do everything I possibly can for my DS, especially since he will probably be the only one I ever have. I had thought about asking this same question, I'm interested to read everyone else's responses.

[tippy]

We are in the same situation as you and your dh. I have a big fear of DH becoming sick and me ending up alone to raise our son. I know this is a morbid thought and I try not to dwell on it or let it depress me but it is a possibility given our circumstances. We are also both "older" parents. I will be 40 on Dec 27th and DH just turned 43. Considering I would have to go through another round of In-vitro (and ds is still nursing) I probably wouldn’t give birth until I was 42 (that is IF I can get pregnant again as quickly as I did the first time.) I would be ok with just ds but dh REALLY wants to try and have another child. I know that his concern is for ds. Neither of us comes from very large families so ds wouldn't have a lot of cousins or other relatives around when we are gone. That said, I have 3 sisters and am only close with one of them. I know having a sibling doesn't automatically mean you will get along with them. I guess you can tell from my post that I am ambivalent on this subject. It's good to put this all down though and give it some thought. Thanks for posting this.
Teva
Mom to AJ born 1-8-03

[lisams]

>The other is that I just love and enjoy my daughter so much.
>I love her more each day and I love the new phases that she
>goes through. And I can't imagine being able to enjoy it as
>well with more than her. Not saying other people can't... I'm
>sure they do, but for me, I like to just focus on her. Also, I
>haven't yet yearned for a child in a phase that she has
>already grown out of, KWIM? Definately no baby-hungriness
>here.

I'm so with you on that. Every day I enjoy Emma more and more, she just brings so much happiness into our lives and I love being able to just take it all in. We plan on having one more and they will be at least 4 years apart. I just don't miss that baby stage yet, and don't feel a yearning for another one. It's frustrating because ever since DD turned 2 people have been asking when we'll have another or that she needs a sibling to play with. Right now we are very happy the way things are, interestingly it seems the older she gets the longer I want to wait to have another one.

No baby-hungriness here either!
Lisa

[laretce6]

Bumping this up because I'd love to hear more thoughts on this. I haven't had time to post with the craziness of holiday travel.

I'm in a strange place on this as well. While I was always positive I'd have at least two and maybe more (I have some health issues that make more than two biological kids not neccesarily a great idea, but I would definitely consider adoption maybe even for the second) but after having number one I'm not positive she won't be an only. I had a difficult pregnancy and have had a lot more trouble bouncing back than I expected. I struggled with what I wouldn't neccesarily call PPD, it was definitely more than the babyblues although some could be attributed to all our other life changes acting in combo with new motherhood (DH finished his PhD, completed a major job search, we moved to another state 5+ hours from anyone we know and a very remote area, we're struggling with the financial difficulties of all of that, etc, etc). And while I adore DD I'm not as patient as I expected at certain times. When despite all my best efforts DD alternates nursing for a few minutes and screaming for a few minutes sometimes I'd rather hand her to DH and RUN around the block. Also although I love being a SAHM, I'm terrified of losing my identity and starting at the bottom again if I don't return to work till DD starts school or later.

. . .anyway it's good to know that I'm not the only one who's having a rough time with this.

excuse my poor grammar/spelling I'm running on empty. off to get some sleep on my mom's uncomfortable guest bed and face another day of relatives asking if we're ready for #2 yet (um yeah, she's not even four months old!!!) before we head home on Sunday ;)

thanks for letting me ramble

[Misha412]

Thank you all so much for sharing your thoughts on a very personal, very private choice. As usual, I feel much better knowing I'm not the only one in this boat.

For now, DH and I have agreed to revisit this topic next fall, when DS is about to turn two. Maybe another year as a parent will give us both some different perspectives and feelings.

Thanks again -- you guys are great!

[emmiem]

I started late with children and finally had my daughter who is now 14. I always thought one was enough and after people quit asking me when we were having more, I never even thought about it. I had a difficult time conceiving and a difficult pregnancy. When she turned 10, we started investigating adoption. I just had the feeling that was something I needed to do. We adopted our second daughter from Guatemala. 2 years later, we adopted our third daughter from China. Our house is now very busy and I am exhausted but our life is so much better. Yes, we traveled much more with one child. Yes, I was more involved in school, community, and personal activities. Would I want to go back. NO! I am one of the oldest moms I know but I feel very lucky and think fate was showing us the way. We don't even know if we are done adopting yet. Personally, adoption meant so much more than actually giving birth. It doesn't matter if the child is biological or not, they are your children.
Michele

[pixelprincess]

Boy, we go back and forth on this one all the time. There are several reasons for us to not have any more kids.

As far as the argument against having any more kids...
I am quite ancient at 38. I guess it is all relative. Besides, I am really happy to have one miracle baby in our life and don't feel the need to stretch our luck out. I feel content about the experience of going through the pregnancy, birthing, bf-ing, etc once to not want to do it over. It took us three looong years and three rounds of in-vitro to finally get pregnant and I can't see myself going through the emotional rollercoaster anytime soon. My pregnancy was also stressful with bleeding through the 2nd trimester, another experience I wouldn't want to repeat. We have no family close by to help which makes it quite a bit more challenging. Dh has a busy job so isn't around a whole lot..it was difficult for him to get time off when DS was born.

On the other hand... I look at my beautiful boy, and wonder if he would be lonely without a sibling? I'd love to have a cute sibling for him...a girl, perhaps. LOL. We are also a biracial couple, so there is no one in the family like him. What is that going to mean for him, for his future?

Thanks all for sharing your thoughts. For those who shared about your spirited kids, that is also one of my concerns. DS is a very active toddler, and there is no way I could handle another one of him.

[Kimberly H]

I have somewhat the same experience as Julie with kids 16, 14, and 2. After marriage #1 ended, I thought 2 was it. Matter of fact, I had my tubes tied during my second C/S.

Fast forward to second marriage, 14 year old is living with Dad, aging (I'm 37, DH is 45 and a brittle diabetic) and I want a baby but know it needs to be NOW. We decide to adopt from China and now have our beautiful Mia.

Now I'm torn about adopting another little girl. We still haven't recovered financially from the first adoption (I've never looked forward to tax season before ;) ) and DH is happy with just Mia. I think we need a sibling for her to share her experiences as a Chinese adoptee living in a redneck world but it would mean a bigger car, a bigger house and cutting back EVERYTHING, including emptying our savings again. Like previous posters mentioned, I like traveling, I like nice things and will soon have *2* kids in college. If DH's health goes downhill, I'll be the sole provider and parent and that terrifies me.

Logically, we're done. Emotionally, or should we win the lottery, there's another adoption in our future.

[Bethann31]

I am in almost the exact same place. My older children from my first marriage are 14, 12, and 9. I thought I was done as well, although I never took any steps to ensure that. They live with me 1/2 the time and their dad 1/2 the time (he lives one mile from my house).

Then I met DH, and knew I wanted to get pregnant, RIGHT NOW!! Katherine was born 15 months after we got married. During the entire pregnancy, she was called Our Grande Finale. Now, however, I don't want that, and neither does DH. The question has become whether we do it through adoption or pregnancy. Personally, I am so much more prepared to adopt (except financially) but when I went to the OB the last time and told him, he talked me into removing my IUD and "just have another one." I'm in this complete state of confusion, because I really feel like there is a baby out there waiting for me to be its mother, and I'll be 41 in February and I'm not sure I can go through pregnancy well again.

Oh well, that's my saga. I do feel like 1/2 the time I'm the mom to 4 and 1/2 the time I'm a mom to 1. It's a strange feeling.

Beth