Deciding whether to become a full-time mommy... (LONG)

[Alys the Cat]

Hi, everyone. I'm wrestling with a big decision and would love some input from ladies who have been in a similar position.
In a nutshell, I'm trying to decide if I should quit my job and become a SAHM. This has always been my ideal, but I now find myself paralyzed with fear over the possibility of making the wrong decision.
I work full-time in a municipal job with great pay and great benefits. I've been employed here for three years and have co-workers who are like sisters to me. In two years, I would be vested in a pension.
Thanks to lots of stored-up vacation time, I've been able to work four-day weeks since returning from maternity leave. Unfortunately, beginning in January, I'd have to start working a full five days - which I dread.
Right now, my son commutes with me (40 minutes each way) and attends a (very good) daycare across the street from my office. I spend every lunch hour with him.
My husband has a job that pays well, but his industry (software development) isn't particularly stable. He works from home, and has been in his current position for only two months.
I am worried about A) my husband possibly losing his job, leaving us with no insurance and no income; B) being at home with Nicholas and distracting my husband while he's trying to work; C) being a "bad" SAHM and missing my career.
But I'm also, more importantly, worried about missing these years with my son. Leaving him each morning breaks my heart.
How have some of you handled this decision?
Thanks for taking the time to help...

[C99]

Christine,

I think you probably know in your heart what you want to do. In June of last year (2003), I was in a similar position. I was working part-time in what I then (and now, actually) believed would be the perfect job for me *now*. My husband also works in software development. I had a slow couple of weeks in my contract and didn't go into the office for several days in the row. I loved it. Loved just hanging out with my kid. Loved it! And so I knew that I wanted to stay at home with him and everyhing else (my fears, my husband's concerns) would resolve itself. Someone once told me that she makes major decisions by saying, "I will do X" and seeing how she feels and then saying, "I will do Y" and seeing how she feels. Whatever feels better -- X or Y -- she then does.

For me, I rationalized it because I knew that we could afford to live on one salary. If my husband ever lost his job, we would get health benefits through COBRA and unemployment (and a sizeable severance package). Also, I could always go out and find work to tide us over. In the past, my husband worked at an office. Now he works at home. It was a rough transition for about a month, and then it resolved itself. Although I am a "SAHM," we don't necessarily spend that much time "at home." We have an activity out of the house nearly every day and in good weather, we go to the park a lot too. As far as career goes...soon after I quit my part-time contract/job, I fell into another contract. The hours are better (I determine my own, for the most part), the commute is better (I can WFH), the pay is the same, and there's no daycare involved.

HTH.

[lukkykatt]

Finding the right balance between work and motherhood is something that alot of us have struggled with. I was supposed to go back to work part-time and at the last minute, my employer changed the terms. To make a long story short, I quit and ended up working from home part-time as a contract employee for a year. At the end of a year, the office closed and I became a SAHM.

DH is also in the computer industry and has been working at home for the past 2 years. I was very worried about our children interfering with his work, but that has not happened (he has a hard office in our home though - I don't know if that is your situation). I too have worried from time to time about lay-offs, but so far we have been lucky. I have kept up my license just in case though in case I need to go back to work if anything does happen. I also keep in touch with my former co-workers mostly because I like them, but also to keep a foot in the door.

Just telling you my story because I am wondering if there is another answer for you. It sounds like you mostly enjoy your current situation and just don't want to work 5 days a week. Have you tried to approach your employer to see if they would be willing to let you continue to work part-time with an adjustment in pay?

If you listen to your heart, you will come up with the right decision.

[slknight]

Well, I'm not a SAHM (although I would love to be), but my DH is a SAHD and I work from home in software development. So it's kind of the mirror image of what you all would have. I try not to think too much about the possibility of me losing my job because it stresses me out too much. I figure that DH can always go back to work and I could find *something*.

I think I can best answer your question B. I'd say it definitely depends on the set-up of your house. Where is your husband's office in relationship to where you would spend most of your day? Does he have an office over the garage or the basement or some other place that is a bit separated from your main living area? That's really been the biggest issue here. I live in a very small ranch (1000 square feet on the main floor). My office was down the hall from the living room. Needless to say, I didn't get ANYTHING done! We do have a partially finished basement, and I finally moved my office down here. It's working out much better.

When I was upstairs, DS would constantly wander down the hall looking for me. I know your son is younger, but if he's not mobile now, he will be soon. The older they get, the more they realize who's around or not, kwim? For some reason, if I'm downstairs, DS is generally ok with that. DH tells him that I'm going to work and then I disappear. I do take breaks (like at lunch) and go up and see them. I also don't hear them as much as I did when I was on the main floor. So you definitely need for your DH to have a separate area of some kind. Does that make sense?

I will say that DH and DS do go out quite frequently so they're not always home all day. Some days it's very, very frustrating for me to be stuck working when they say goodbye to me on some fun adventure. I get rather envious of DH. Don't know if your husband would have that same issue or not.

Please let me know if I can answer anything else you might want to know.

[Alys the Cat]

Thanks for your input so far! I just wanted to clarify a few things about my situation:

I haven't talked to my boss about a shortened work week. However, since I work for government, things are very "by the book," and exceptions aren't typically made. Furthermore, if I worked less than full time, I wouldn't be entitled to pension and insurance benefits. So, if I'm going to work fewer hours, I'd be better off doing it somewhere closer to home -- which could be an option when Nicholas is a bit older. I have thought about changing careers -- maybe getting certified as a paralegal...

Also, we live in south Florida -- no basement. DH's office is adjacent to the main living space in our house. I guess we don't really have a floor plan conducive to peace and quiet.

[usfrph]

I had a great career in the tech industry and although I thought it wouldn't be a hard decision when I had children to be a SAHM I found myself second guessing my choice as my due date drew closer.

DH also worked in the tech industry and with all the lay-off's plus the fact that our income would be take a dramatic cut I was very tempted to keep working. Fortunately the decision was taken out of my hands when I was laid off with a great severance package. (My boss knew that I wanted to leave.)

It's been tough transitioning to SAHM and at times I dream of going back to work but then DS smiles his toothless smile at me and I realize that I can always go back to work but he will only be little for a while. I realize some women have no choice but to work so please don't flame me :-)

Good luck and (((hugs))) whatever you decide.

Jamie

[psophia17]

I became a SAHM by default - we had to move and then moved again, and I'm not allowed to have a job in Canada (yet).

First - I LOVE it. I love being DS's primary caregiver, and I love dealing with him on a day to day basis like I do. I've always wanted to be a homemaker, and to have four kids, and although there have been days where I'm thrilled to pass DS off to DH or MIL, it's rare.

That said, I miss work badly. I miss thinking, solving problems that related to the "real world." Knowing answers and having my opinions on things really count. Having deadlines, as much as I hated them, gave me an outlet for energy I didn't realize I had until becoming a SAHM.

I know I'd rather be at home than at a job somewhere, but I do miss what working outside the home gave me.