help, please!! time outs are TOTALLY ineffective

[lizajane]

i don't know what else to do!! when we give schuyler a time out for hitting, biting, running away from us... things that are "serious," he laughs in our faces and repeats the behavior to get a rise out of us again. i absolutely can't be angry or loud because that is the funniest to him. (i don't want to yell anyway.) if i hold his hands/arms to his side to keep him from hitting, he either laughs or tries to bite my hands to get them off. he can get out of a crib in seconds, so we can't isolate him in his bed.

we are going no where fast in the discipline department and i have to find a solution. he has been acting out at school when he gets tired. the teachers are SO great about it, but at some point, they are going to get fed up. he is not an overly aggresive kid- not really a bully. but if i can't find a way to teach him to be gentle always, he will be a bully. he is bigger than kids his age and he is about to be a MUCH bigger big brother!

we already do all the "right things" like telling him to use gentle hands, praising gentle behavior, explaining "that hurts mommy" or "tyler-dog doesn't like that" and on and on. we don't scream at him or tell him he is bad. (we do yell when we are at our wits end, which truly upsets me, and is why i need a solution so that i can be a better, more in control parent. but we certainly don't even yell once/day.)

spanking is not an option. i do not hit children.

[brubeck]

Isolation is the key. You say that he can get out of his crib. What about isolating him in a room? Put a gate at the door to prevent him from getting out. Let him stay there for awhile. This has always been the greatest punishment for my kids: being left alone when all they really want is attention from Mom.

Another thing that works for me is 'strapping down'. This basically means forcing the child to sit in one place for awhile. If the child refuses to sit then I literally strap them into a high chair or booster chair. I have occasionally had tantrums that were fierce but they got the message and the behaviour usually isn't repeated.

Another alternative is to take away his favourite things. This could be toys, videos, dessert, etc. Whatever he enjoys most. If he asks for it back make sure you remind him that he can't have it because he did XXX. Then tell him that if he behaves he can have it back tomorrow. If he does something else, take away another toy and tell him that he can't have them back for 2 days. If you have to, you will empty his room of toys. I had to do this when my DD was misbehaving in swim class (she was pushing the other kids into the water and spitting on them). But it worked.

If he is laughing at you then he is NOT getting the message. You need to do something that gets his attention.

[emilyf]

Isolation has really worked for us too, we have french doors, and just putting him on the other side of the door where he can see me, but not get at me and I just occupy myself doing something else for a minute or two. Now just the word timeout usually is enough of a deterent.
Emily \r\nmom of Charlie born 11/02

[egoldber]

I agree with Helen. You need to escalate the consequences (but not of course become violent). We use DD's room for timeout also.

I really recommend the book 1-2-3 Magic. It is not a long book, but lays out effective forms of time out and other (gentle) discipline strategies. The book is geared to children age 2 and older, but the strategies can be adapted to younger children.

One of the best parts of the book, I think, is how it discusses how the parents actions can often escalate the issues. I know that I found the book to be very enlightening about my own reactions to DD's behavior.

HTH,

[houseof3boys]

Ryan is younger than S, but the strapping in the highchair is the only thing that works for us. We tried to just isolate, but he still laughed and acted like Schuyler. Now, it is just saying to stop the behavior or he will be getting a time out and then of course he continues. :P We then just put him in the highchair, set the timer on the microwave for 2 minutes and turn the chair around so he can look at nothing except the wall or the cabinet. When the timer goes off, he's fine and rarely does the same behavior again that day. He sometimes laughs for part of the time and sometimes gets peeved and starts the whining/crying bit but when he hears the timer he knows its over and we don't bring it up again since he has already been punished.

1-2-3 Magic is a great book (the one that Beth recommended) so check it out and get some good tips from it!

Good luck, I think the pregnancy hormones make it a bigger and more aggravating deal!!!!!! At least for me it does. :)