What the heck do I do now????

[candybomiller]

DH told me tonight that if it weren't for Matt, he would divorce me. He has since apologized for saying it, but I can't get over it. Now I REALLY know he would be better off without me.

What do I do? How am I supposed to handle this? I can't afford to move out and take Matt. I can't afford to keep the house. I don't think I can make it on my own right now. I can't even feel anything.

[pritchettzoo]

Candy, you've got to take a deep breath and let it go if he was sincere in his apology. More than likely, he was just venting. Does he have anyone else to talk to? My DH tends to say crap he doesn't mean to me because he doesn't have anyone else he really talks to.

Ask him honestly if he wants to find a marriage counselor. After you've taken some deep breaths.

Hugs,

Anna
Mama to Gracie (Sept '03)
and One More (coming July '05)

[bluej]

I have to admit I've said some really stupid things to DH when I'm terribly overwhelmed. They are stupid things to say and I don't mean them but I say them b/c it's a way to vent and sometimes the only way to get DH to understand just how stressed I am at that time (and usually I've been holding stressed out feelings in for way too long). I guess I also say them b/c I feel safe with DH and I know he knows I don't really mean any of it. Is there any way this was just one of those moments for your DH? Hugs to you.

[alexsmommy]

Please, please consider marriage counseling. PPD (and general depression) is very, very hard on EVERYONE in the family. DH probably needs help learning how to tell you how overwhelmed he feels and knowing that it's ok for him to have his own anger and frustration. These things do not necessarily have anything to do with his love for you. This is such a hard thing for couples/familes and you both could use help knowing no one is to blame and no one has to feel guilty/angry/frustrated without support- its ok for the situation to be blameless. I know taking on anything else seems overwhelming right now, but you really sound like you need outside assistance. If you're in treatment right now, please ask your therapist for a recommendation and let the person you call know how desparate you are feeling. Many therapists will try to fit you guys in ASAP.
I hope you feel some relief soon.
Alaina
Alex 2-04-03

[jamsmu]

Oh Candy,

I know this is not something you need. Be strong and think about what you want and need. A pp (anna?) mentioned marriage counseling. Is that something that you think you and DH can try? Please be strong and remember we're here for you.

[ALLEYCAT]

Candy, give Matt a hug and a kiss and go to bed yourself. You need a good night sleep and rest before you come to any conclusions. I too have some very ugly things recently and regret them. I hope this is the case here, likely it is. If it is not we will deal with that later. For now relax and know we are here for you.

[lukkykatt]

Candy, I am really sorry that you are going through this. I would definitely take some time to think things through. We all say things sometimes that we don't really mean - since your husband has apologized, I think that you should at least allow some time to pass before doing anything.

If you need anyone to talk to, we are all here. And talking to someone as a couple, like many people have suggested, might be a good idea.

Hugs. I'll email you tomorrow and see how you are doing.

[toomanystrollers]

Hugs Candy mama!!

Add me to the list of slugging & receiving nasty comments during martial bliss :) You need to be able to accept his sincerity and move on. (I know - easier said then done) Talk it out with your therapist.

Plenty of us have tossed the "D" word around during the heat of an argument. Thank God for girlfriends!! :)

[mamicka]

You've gotten some good comments already from PP's. I can offer more hugs.

Allison

[JLiebCamm]

I've thrown the D word out during arguments without EVER meaning it. It just seems like one of those spiteful things to say when you're really frustrated. Get a good night's sleep and hopefully things will seem more peaceful for you in the morning. We're all here for you.

[dowlinal]

Candy,

I agree with all of the great advice everyone else is giving you. I know that I have said some pretty terrible things to my husband when I've been upset and I love him dearly. I am sure that DH really didn't mean it.

Hugs,
A

[kensjen]

Well, as everyone else has said...he probably didn't mean it. I have said worse than that in the heat of an argument. Not that it is right, but it happens. I am sure this is a stressful time for him as well, he has to deal with what is going on with you, and he may not know how. Counseling is definitely the answer, and I hope he will go with you. HUGS to you mama, you need them right now. Calm down...and breathe...this is a crappy time of year in a lot of ways...don't let it bring you down....we are all thinking of you! :)

[jasabo]

Oh Candy, I'm so sorry. As the person in the marriage who usually says things like that in the heat of the moment, I can't really imagine how you're feeling. I can, however, imagine how he's feeling - probably pretty badly.

Please don't say that you know he'd be better off without you. I'm sure that's not the case. Marriage is so hard - I, for one, had no idea how hard it was until I actually got married. And it never ceases to amaze me that it's STILL hard - doesn't seem to get any easier, especially with kids thrown into the mix.

I'm notorius for saying horrid things during arguments. Thankfully, dh forgives me, but it doesn't excuse my behavior or make it ok. I'm not suggesting that you forgive and forget - probably not possible, or healthy. But if you want to save your marriage (I don't know the whole story, so I'm just assuming this is the case), talk to your dh calmly and try to figure out how to get things back on track. Whether it's marriage counseling, or counseling for you both individually or what...don't give up.

Hugs to you.

Lisa - mom to 17 month old twins boys

[mharling]

Candy -
He would absolutely NOT be better off without you. Take lots of deep breaths and please, please try to get a good night's sleep. I would imagine his apology was sincere, so see if you still feel the same way in the morning. Hugs, hugs and more hugs.....

Mary
Lane - April 2003
Little sister on the way!!! March 2!

[Dcclerk]

It sounds like a horrible heat-of-the-moment thing that was said. And probably not much more. But it is also proof that he needs help with some coping mechanisms so that he can fight fair. Whether it is individual or marital counseling, it sounds like that it is in order, if only for some insights in each other buttons and ways to handle them. HUGS, Candy. I am so sorry you are even having to think about this right now.

[deborah_r]

I agree with many of the other posters, sounds like something that many of us have said or had said to us, without meaning it. I hope I word what I want to say properly, I'm having trouble figuring out how to say it. You have said you are depressed, as in actually diagnosed to be depressed. I know you know this, so forgive me if it's irritating, but your depression is not only going to affext you. It will affect your husband, and I think he may need to talk to someone to help him understand how you are feeling, and maybe he needs help understanding that your depression is not caused by him of things he does, and is not a reflection on him. Maybe he is feeling he has failed to maek you happy, which is not something he can do single-handedly, but I think sometimes spouses feel if their spouse is not happy, it is their fault.

I hope that made some sense and helped in some way. More (((hugs))) to you!!!

[westchicagomom]

Candy, some people say stupid things in the heat of the moment.

Maybe you are like me and wouldn't ever consider saying something like that to your DH and can't possibly understand how he could say it and not mean it. My DH can get really mad and say some very hurtful things (examples, during an argument he has said "we should separate" when what he really meant was that he was yearning for the single life and at that moment was tired of having a wife and kid; another example is he said I was a "bad example of a woman" because my long labor ended in a c/s and I had problems nursing DD) He really is a sweet, sensitive person but when he gets mad he says mean things. And I must say that when he apologizes, it is hard to believe that there isn't some kernel of truth in there. He swears there is not, so I have to believe him, but I know how you feel in that respect. It is hard to get over.

If your DH wasn't mad, maybe he was just saying it to get a reaction out of you. I hope that you were able to get some sleep tonight and that things look better in the morning.

[jubilee]

Candy, I emailed you through the boards. Hugs,

[ismommy]

Candy,

Just wanted to add hugs and support. I agree with the other posters that things are said and not meant but going to a marraige counselor is a good idea.
lots of hugs
Helene
mommy to Isabella
baby x EDD 1/11/05

[heidis2girls]

Candy, I'm so sorry that he said this to you, as I'm sure he is. My DH, as wonderful as he is, tends to say things without thinking about them first and they tend to be very hurtful.

Talk to your DH about it, I'm sure he didn't mean it but you need to feel that his apology is sincere. And think about counseling for yourself (which you may already be doing) and for both of you. As a PP said, depression is difficult for everyone and affects everyone.

I'm sorry you are going through this on top of everything else. Take care of yourself!

[barbarhow]

More hugs coming your way. I am so sorry for how you must be feeling right now. Alaina is right-depression, as if it isn't bad enough on its own, affects the entire family. If you can get to a counselor together to talk about that it would be wonderful. Many hospitals offer support groups for significant others suffering from depression. Ask your therapist about it.
Deep breath. Deep breath again. Go ahead and cry-but know in your heart that he is probably feeling really helpless. Most men believe that their job in the family is to fix things. This is something that is not fixable by him-he may feel somewhat impotent because he can't make you better. I have taken care of many people with PPD and have had to help spouses as well as the women with the primary problem. Hang in there sweetie. Its a dark time but there will be light ahead. Keep some hope. We are hear for you.
Barbara-mom to Jack 3/27/03, a Red Sox fan
expecting #2, a Yankee fan, around 5/9/05!

[Rachels]

That was an unbelievably nasty, crappy, cruel thing for him to say, and you need to stop blaming yourself for it. The responsibility for making a comment like that lies squarely on his shoulders.

The other thing is that it does seem so clear that you and your family are in need of some support. Medication can be helpful, but it's not enough. You need a therapist to talk to whom you trust and feel safe with, and it sounds like your relationship could use a boost as well. Please, please find this for yourself, and if you can't, please PM me and let me try to help get you some names in your area.

-Rachel
Mom to Abigail Rose
5/18/02


"When you know better, you do better."
Maya Angelou

http://www.gynosaur.com/assets/ribbons/ribbon_sapphire_24m.gif Two years and counting!

[aliceinwonderland]

I am the one in our marriage that says VERY cruel things to my DH when we fight...I really do not know how to fight fair, and go all out...I then cry about it because I cannot beleive my own cruelness...Anyway, thankfully this does not happen often...

You are the best thing that ever happened to your DH and your baby. DH would NOT be better off without you, he probably is just having a hard time dealing...You are the best mother for your son. There is no doubt about this.

Hugs,
eri

[papal]

HUGS Candy!!
I agree with everyone else.. i am sure they were just words that he said in the moment... this must be tough on him too.
Hang in there girlie!!! {{{{{{{{{{ CANDY }}}}}}}}}}}}

[kristine_elen]

I think counseling would be great for you guys. He needs to hear from a professional that what you're going through is a medical and treatable condition -- not something that will be a major problem in the long term as long as you take your medication, etc. ... Don't let something he said in the heat of the moment affect you too much. We all say stupid things we don't mean from time to time. Just hang in there and don't do anything rash.

[Bethann31]

Rachel,

You said exactly what I was going to say. Big hugs to you Candy. If you need someone to talk to who has been through your situation, let me know. I got through it, but not without a lot of help, please take it whenever and wherever you can.

Beth

[steph2003]

I think at times my DH has probably thought this although he has never said it...still, PPD is so hard on everyone. Marriage alone is hard, marriage & adjusting to parenthood is hard & then throw PPD or general depression & well, you have a cocktail for some mud slinging & downright nastiness :)

I never brought my DH to any of my therapy sessions although my therapist did recommend it. We just never got around to it I guess. Laziness on our part really! There was a book I got my DH to read about PPD from a husband's point of view. I'm sorry I can't remember the title off hand. PM & I can look it up for you if you want!

[psophia17]

Oh Candy!!!

I have so often said things I didn't mean to DH when I was really upset, and he's said horrible things to me, too.

He told me that he was leaving me to move back home, he told me that he didn't love me anymore, he told me that I would be better off in NY with my family, he told me that I ruined his life. I told him that if he kept saying stuff like that I would kill myself, and it just got worse from there.

Neither of us has ever meant any of it, it just comes out in the heat of battle, when we've both, or either of us, has had more to deal with than we could handle. You're dealing with depression, and he's dealing with your depression - not an easy thing for either of you to deal with, that's for sure.

I can't say often enough how important communication is - talk, talk, talk, to him, to your therapist, to a marriage counselor, to anyone who will listen and who wants the best for you and your family.

You are strong enough to get through this and anything life deals you!!!

[wendmatt]

HI Candy
I haven't read the other posts so sorry if I repeat them. I'm sure it was said in a moment of frustration. If he apologised I'm sure he means it. It is hard living with someone with depression and sometimes it can get you down (I think I mentioned B4 that DH suffers) so try not to be too hard on him. If there are serious issues maybe suggest going to counselling, but I'm sure it was just said in a moment of anger that we all feel sometimes. I hope so. Hope you are doing OK. Take good care of yourself and sending you big hugs.

[mysweetboy]

Oh Candy, I know that it must have hurt to hear that. But I'm going to repeat what everyone has said....I'm sure he didn't mean it. We all sometimes say things we shouldn't...out of frustration, anger, etc. I know it's easier said than done but if he was sincere in his apology, the best thing to do is put it behind you and move forward together.

Hugs,
Lori
mommy to Charlie, 7 months old!

[amazz]

Oh Sweetie, I hate that this has happened to you. Sometimes it seems that things will never get better and having a comment like that thrown around seems to confirm it. But I agree with everyone else...breath...try to accept his apology....get some outside help. You are a good person and don't ever forget it!!

(((((HUGS)))))
Angela
Mama to Kami Allyse (10/10/04)
A baby is God's opinion that the world should go on. ~Carl Sandburg

[starrynight]

{{{hugs}}} Candy I'm sorry sweetie.

I'm not sure if this will make you feel better or worse but I have said the same thing to my dh. I did not mean it, at the time we were going through a rough spot, I was extremely mad at him and I just said it without thinking. He was very hurt and upset for awhile so I can imagine how you feel. I really hope your dh was just upset about something and he spoke without thinking. Hang in there, we are all here for you {{{{Hugs}}}}

[kijip]

I am so very sorry. You are a beautiful, kind person and he would certainly be a fool to lose you! I really think that he needs to come to a marriage therapist with you. Or what about a rabbi (but you said that there were not many in Montana)? I know that he is not coverting with you but he may be able to use some marriage advice. It sounds like he really did not mean it (since he took it back so quickly) BUT it is still a REALLY crappy thing to say to you. He needs to learn how to fight/disagree without being cruel.