NEVE and TRISTAN
12-11-2004, 10:01 AM
Hello ladies, I finally found an internet cafe here in Kiev and wanted to send out a note to you all before updating the blog...Julie and others thank you so much for the kind words and thoughts they mean the world to us.
I have skimmed the lounge quickly (very quickly)...and am trying to follow the Marisa and Amelia story and I think I am reading that Amelia (or Marisa) has pneumonia...PLEASE someone let her know they are in my thoughts and prayers-we are thinking about them and hope they are under the roof of their home soon!!!!!
I also saw that Anna is expecting - YIPPPEE!!!!!! I have my fanta (without ice how do they live without ice in their drink???) lifted high sending you a cheers as I type...sorry if I have missed other big news I'll try to catch up when at a cheap and fast internet cafe :)
So our update...I CAN NOT SHARE THIS PUBLICALLY YET-TO THE ADOPTION COMMUNITY OR EVEN MY BLOG!!!!!, much of this adoption world is done behind closed doors, via relationships with facilitator and NAC or even orphanages...and heads can roll, prison terms can happen and adoption disruptions can occur if process is not followed, in other words a rival facilitator can take such info and sabatoge an adoption...I wanted to share with you ladies for I know many of you have been on this rollercoaster ride with us as much as anyone and couldn't dare not share with you...Melanie and Julie I think you are the only ones who might be on the adoption forums please know this is under hats for now...
Here goes...
Without a doubt yesterday (the 10th) was the most emotional day of my life...we got up early yesterday for our appt at the NAC, we were prepped the night before that no children had become available that met our reguest (sorry not the best or words but typing quickly and hard to be too PC where I am at right now). My facilitator seemed to think we would be fine with a boy and girl and it appeared that they had a boy and girl in mind for us. I specifically have wanted to adopt two boys under ages 7, and we of course were willing to consider a sibling group of 3 and a specific group of 4 (already adopted we think) if need be...
Calls were coming in late into the evening on the 9th saying that no boys met our criteria, siblings, under 7, both being boys. I didn't sleep at all, I was mad not that two boys were not available but that my facilitator had been quoted as saying "ahhh she'll take a boy and girl I think"...so all night I didn't sleep thinking maybe he had not pushed the issue with the NAC who kind of keeps tabs on who is coming off of the registry etc...
They sat us down in a small room (two other couples too) and told us of the situation, I felt then we'll look at 1 boy, though I feared a huge age gap in my children and that one being adopted with two bios might always make my child wonder, feel isolated etc...( though I hope everyone knows that I would do everything in my power to prevent this). I really have always imagined two boys and honestly imagined a 4 and 6 year old or a 5 and 6 year old for some reason.
The girl and the boy they had to the side for us were slightly older, 7 and 8...and my heart was with "my boys"...
then they brought out the books ("the books") filled with outdated pictures of children, and many who are sick, in large sibling groups, older...I could go on and on...though rumor in the adoption community is that the "good" referrals are found on loose pieces of paper coming off the registry that day, my two favorite boys that a local Raleigh gal adopted were from the books, and they are wonderful!!!!!
The books had two sets of siblings that roughly met our description, which only really was confined by age and gender-not race, not corrective health issues, not looks etc...JUST gender and age...
I didn't know how drawn to one set of boys Steve was until after the appointment, they were two little blond boys about 5,6...cute pictures, bright well taken pictures-this looked good...
There was another little boy with a brother who had no picture (no biggie to us since we wouldn't chose our children on looks) and they had an older sister whose where about were unknown. This little boy who was pictured was dressed in a sweater with flowers on it, and blue tights, he clearly looked like a little girl in his dress....
...It was at this time one of the NAC employees approached my facilitator with a file "of boys coming off the registry in 9 days"- this such interaction is rumored to be a huge "no no" in the adoption community for it is out of the "rules and process"...
I asked if they'd tell me more for I was willing to "sit it out" and wait to get the referral. The time to wait, to put our eggs all in one basket, to not be certain, to know nothing really about the children and to sit and stay put didn't seem to interest Steve as much as it did me...I was at a termendous Peace with the thought of these boys who I knew nothing about.
My facilitator said "why don't you go look at other children during this time if you reject them then you come back and see these boys (knowing we could not get the referal till the 19th)"...steve was up for that idea (keep in mind he hasn't done the research and doesn't know many of the stories that I know). I did not like this idea- I felt it was jerking around children's feelings just to "entertain" us for 9 days. Everyone disagreed with me and tried to tell me how many almost don't go to look at a child and then they fall in love with the child on first site who they almost didn't go see (I have personally witnessed this a hundred times in journals etc...). So my heart was with the boys ("the 19th boys")...everyone else thought we should go and meet atleast one fo the groups that interested us...
So sadly, exhausted...I said to Steve "you decide"...he said he really wanted to see the two blonde boys (I hate to describe their looks but just helping followers keep track of who was who)... So my facilitator grabbed their profile and approached the NAC employee who right away I could tell had a very unfavorable response. It ends up these two boys are in a private orphanage, a religious orphanage, described as "a cult", that 3-4 couples have gone there to see them and that they have beat their heads and hands against the floor, table, wall etc... I was impressed the NAC is trying to intervene to get the boys out-but the boys were not an option on their end for us to go see...
The other little boy, who had a brother and whose sister was "not accounted for" was then pulled and they went to make the necessary calls for us. It ends up this little boy is not even in the data base. Who knows what that really meant, they shrugged and said "he is probably adopted, his paper was not pulled"...
I was relieved ONLY in that my path was very very clear to me due to these circumstances...there was no cross road anymore, these situations left us no choice but to wait for my boys...who I knew were mine the second they mentioned them (the boys coming off the 19th).
I asked if I could see their profile, and my facilitators assistant almost laughed out loud at the thought, for that I was even told about them is so out of the ordinary. all of a sudden the employee came over with a folder and showed it to my facilitator...his assist looked at me and shrugged "I can't beleive they are showing it to him"...next thing I know it is in my hands!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I barely got a glimse, it was all quick quick, hush hush...
I had looked at no less than 300 children's pictures and this picture I saw so quickly tugged at my heart like little in life could. I grabbed the folder and clutched it to my chest and just started crying (though I wasn't supposed to bring any attention to the scenerio at all)...I flipped the page and the younger brother had the chubbiest cheeks and was making a little face :)...
The boys are 3 turning 4 in March
and the older one just turned 6 on the 5th of December
They are in a region that is only 2 1/2 hours away.
Their file had some info but in summary all that was shared with me NOW (until the the 19th) is that they are "happy and active"...and the NAC had called the orphanage before I arrived and they told my facilitator "these are "good" boys"...
As we left Steve claims he barely saw the pictures...honestly neither did I... and he shared he was so sad about the other two boys, I am heart broken for them and for Steve as well as he was really thinking about these boys.
Anywho...sorry so long...this is my first time actually writting it all down and rehashing the day like this...I have the most TREMENDOUS feeling about these boys, while going thru a hell of sorts in knowing nothing nothing nothing about them!!!!!
As I was leaving...crying with emotions I asked my facilitator "can I just look at them one more time????", I already remember nothing except that I was overcome with emotions and love for this picture that was presented in 5 seconds...
My facilitators assistant (who is also translator) said "not possible...you don't realize how lucky we are that we were even told about these boys let alone to see their profile and know where they are etc..."....
So when I say our eggs are in one basket on this one I am not exagerating...if this referal does not turn out for some reason and with the holidays etc... I think it is safe to say we will come home without a completed adoption. However I have the greatest feeling about this. They are feelings like I have never felt in that they are kind of locked away somewhere in me afraid to get to emotional right now, I suspect a protective meganism of sorts. I now realize I have seen these same emotions in others during the process and didn't really understand them until now. It is kind of like I see a present at the end of what should be a road but the road is gone until the 19th when it will be laid down to cross...
Some good news in this, is that the 19th ("9 days away") seemed so long and far out...however it falls on a Sunday...thus allowing us to have our appointment at the NAC and get the referral on Friday the 17th!!!!!!!!!!! This leaves almost little chance of coming home on or by the 31st...and if not keep in mind all business is closed from Jan 1st -Jan 10th here in Ukraine.... so we have a long long long wait, but we all know it is worth it!!!!
My faciltitor reiterated what I heard only once that Ukraine tradition is "you can not say "no" to a pregnant women"...and I suspect that is why the NAC worked so hard for me regarding these boys....and I hope that might help me region as well :)
Last night I spoke with my hired US support, Tonya, who I have described as my Guardian angel...though my faciltitaotion team has never been to this region where the boys are she has done three adoptions from there and said it is "wonderful"...a good region...children are well taken care of...and she knows a big wig in the adoption world of the region there...so that was music to my ears...
Melanie- I saw your post and we will put the map back up, once I get Steve to do it!!!!
On a slightly different note...I ventured out while the boys slept to the demonstration area...it is called "tent city" at this point, filled wall to wall with tents and thousands of people keeping warm and camping out with signs and flags and banners...IT WAS AMAZING...and I will share more of that in our blog...it is an honor to be here during this historical time in Ukraine history...it resembled a political Wood Stock!!!! - life changing experience in itself!!!!
love you gals so much...
Hugs,
Neve
I have skimmed the lounge quickly (very quickly)...and am trying to follow the Marisa and Amelia story and I think I am reading that Amelia (or Marisa) has pneumonia...PLEASE someone let her know they are in my thoughts and prayers-we are thinking about them and hope they are under the roof of their home soon!!!!!
I also saw that Anna is expecting - YIPPPEE!!!!!! I have my fanta (without ice how do they live without ice in their drink???) lifted high sending you a cheers as I type...sorry if I have missed other big news I'll try to catch up when at a cheap and fast internet cafe :)
So our update...I CAN NOT SHARE THIS PUBLICALLY YET-TO THE ADOPTION COMMUNITY OR EVEN MY BLOG!!!!!, much of this adoption world is done behind closed doors, via relationships with facilitator and NAC or even orphanages...and heads can roll, prison terms can happen and adoption disruptions can occur if process is not followed, in other words a rival facilitator can take such info and sabatoge an adoption...I wanted to share with you ladies for I know many of you have been on this rollercoaster ride with us as much as anyone and couldn't dare not share with you...Melanie and Julie I think you are the only ones who might be on the adoption forums please know this is under hats for now...
Here goes...
Without a doubt yesterday (the 10th) was the most emotional day of my life...we got up early yesterday for our appt at the NAC, we were prepped the night before that no children had become available that met our reguest (sorry not the best or words but typing quickly and hard to be too PC where I am at right now). My facilitator seemed to think we would be fine with a boy and girl and it appeared that they had a boy and girl in mind for us. I specifically have wanted to adopt two boys under ages 7, and we of course were willing to consider a sibling group of 3 and a specific group of 4 (already adopted we think) if need be...
Calls were coming in late into the evening on the 9th saying that no boys met our criteria, siblings, under 7, both being boys. I didn't sleep at all, I was mad not that two boys were not available but that my facilitator had been quoted as saying "ahhh she'll take a boy and girl I think"...so all night I didn't sleep thinking maybe he had not pushed the issue with the NAC who kind of keeps tabs on who is coming off of the registry etc...
They sat us down in a small room (two other couples too) and told us of the situation, I felt then we'll look at 1 boy, though I feared a huge age gap in my children and that one being adopted with two bios might always make my child wonder, feel isolated etc...( though I hope everyone knows that I would do everything in my power to prevent this). I really have always imagined two boys and honestly imagined a 4 and 6 year old or a 5 and 6 year old for some reason.
The girl and the boy they had to the side for us were slightly older, 7 and 8...and my heart was with "my boys"...
then they brought out the books ("the books") filled with outdated pictures of children, and many who are sick, in large sibling groups, older...I could go on and on...though rumor in the adoption community is that the "good" referrals are found on loose pieces of paper coming off the registry that day, my two favorite boys that a local Raleigh gal adopted were from the books, and they are wonderful!!!!!
The books had two sets of siblings that roughly met our description, which only really was confined by age and gender-not race, not corrective health issues, not looks etc...JUST gender and age...
I didn't know how drawn to one set of boys Steve was until after the appointment, they were two little blond boys about 5,6...cute pictures, bright well taken pictures-this looked good...
There was another little boy with a brother who had no picture (no biggie to us since we wouldn't chose our children on looks) and they had an older sister whose where about were unknown. This little boy who was pictured was dressed in a sweater with flowers on it, and blue tights, he clearly looked like a little girl in his dress....
...It was at this time one of the NAC employees approached my facilitator with a file "of boys coming off the registry in 9 days"- this such interaction is rumored to be a huge "no no" in the adoption community for it is out of the "rules and process"...
I asked if they'd tell me more for I was willing to "sit it out" and wait to get the referral. The time to wait, to put our eggs all in one basket, to not be certain, to know nothing really about the children and to sit and stay put didn't seem to interest Steve as much as it did me...I was at a termendous Peace with the thought of these boys who I knew nothing about.
My facilitator said "why don't you go look at other children during this time if you reject them then you come back and see these boys (knowing we could not get the referal till the 19th)"...steve was up for that idea (keep in mind he hasn't done the research and doesn't know many of the stories that I know). I did not like this idea- I felt it was jerking around children's feelings just to "entertain" us for 9 days. Everyone disagreed with me and tried to tell me how many almost don't go to look at a child and then they fall in love with the child on first site who they almost didn't go see (I have personally witnessed this a hundred times in journals etc...). So my heart was with the boys ("the 19th boys")...everyone else thought we should go and meet atleast one fo the groups that interested us...
So sadly, exhausted...I said to Steve "you decide"...he said he really wanted to see the two blonde boys (I hate to describe their looks but just helping followers keep track of who was who)... So my facilitator grabbed their profile and approached the NAC employee who right away I could tell had a very unfavorable response. It ends up these two boys are in a private orphanage, a religious orphanage, described as "a cult", that 3-4 couples have gone there to see them and that they have beat their heads and hands against the floor, table, wall etc... I was impressed the NAC is trying to intervene to get the boys out-but the boys were not an option on their end for us to go see...
The other little boy, who had a brother and whose sister was "not accounted for" was then pulled and they went to make the necessary calls for us. It ends up this little boy is not even in the data base. Who knows what that really meant, they shrugged and said "he is probably adopted, his paper was not pulled"...
I was relieved ONLY in that my path was very very clear to me due to these circumstances...there was no cross road anymore, these situations left us no choice but to wait for my boys...who I knew were mine the second they mentioned them (the boys coming off the 19th).
I asked if I could see their profile, and my facilitators assistant almost laughed out loud at the thought, for that I was even told about them is so out of the ordinary. all of a sudden the employee came over with a folder and showed it to my facilitator...his assist looked at me and shrugged "I can't beleive they are showing it to him"...next thing I know it is in my hands!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I barely got a glimse, it was all quick quick, hush hush...
I had looked at no less than 300 children's pictures and this picture I saw so quickly tugged at my heart like little in life could. I grabbed the folder and clutched it to my chest and just started crying (though I wasn't supposed to bring any attention to the scenerio at all)...I flipped the page and the younger brother had the chubbiest cheeks and was making a little face :)...
The boys are 3 turning 4 in March
and the older one just turned 6 on the 5th of December
They are in a region that is only 2 1/2 hours away.
Their file had some info but in summary all that was shared with me NOW (until the the 19th) is that they are "happy and active"...and the NAC had called the orphanage before I arrived and they told my facilitator "these are "good" boys"...
As we left Steve claims he barely saw the pictures...honestly neither did I... and he shared he was so sad about the other two boys, I am heart broken for them and for Steve as well as he was really thinking about these boys.
Anywho...sorry so long...this is my first time actually writting it all down and rehashing the day like this...I have the most TREMENDOUS feeling about these boys, while going thru a hell of sorts in knowing nothing nothing nothing about them!!!!!
As I was leaving...crying with emotions I asked my facilitator "can I just look at them one more time????", I already remember nothing except that I was overcome with emotions and love for this picture that was presented in 5 seconds...
My facilitators assistant (who is also translator) said "not possible...you don't realize how lucky we are that we were even told about these boys let alone to see their profile and know where they are etc..."....
So when I say our eggs are in one basket on this one I am not exagerating...if this referal does not turn out for some reason and with the holidays etc... I think it is safe to say we will come home without a completed adoption. However I have the greatest feeling about this. They are feelings like I have never felt in that they are kind of locked away somewhere in me afraid to get to emotional right now, I suspect a protective meganism of sorts. I now realize I have seen these same emotions in others during the process and didn't really understand them until now. It is kind of like I see a present at the end of what should be a road but the road is gone until the 19th when it will be laid down to cross...
Some good news in this, is that the 19th ("9 days away") seemed so long and far out...however it falls on a Sunday...thus allowing us to have our appointment at the NAC and get the referral on Friday the 17th!!!!!!!!!!! This leaves almost little chance of coming home on or by the 31st...and if not keep in mind all business is closed from Jan 1st -Jan 10th here in Ukraine.... so we have a long long long wait, but we all know it is worth it!!!!
My faciltitor reiterated what I heard only once that Ukraine tradition is "you can not say "no" to a pregnant women"...and I suspect that is why the NAC worked so hard for me regarding these boys....and I hope that might help me region as well :)
Last night I spoke with my hired US support, Tonya, who I have described as my Guardian angel...though my faciltitaotion team has never been to this region where the boys are she has done three adoptions from there and said it is "wonderful"...a good region...children are well taken care of...and she knows a big wig in the adoption world of the region there...so that was music to my ears...
Melanie- I saw your post and we will put the map back up, once I get Steve to do it!!!!
On a slightly different note...I ventured out while the boys slept to the demonstration area...it is called "tent city" at this point, filled wall to wall with tents and thousands of people keeping warm and camping out with signs and flags and banners...IT WAS AMAZING...and I will share more of that in our blog...it is an honor to be here during this historical time in Ukraine history...it resembled a political Wood Stock!!!! - life changing experience in itself!!!!
love you gals so much...
Hugs,
Neve