Very OT: question regarding domestic violence

[snp624]

I have a friend who has been married to this guy for two years. I knew he had some problems even before they were married. He has a short temper, and get jealous very easily. (and the things he gets mad at are just ridiculous!) But, he and her have similar interests, loved each other and they ended up marrying. Well, last week my friend confessed to me that he now hits her.

In one incident that she told me about, he took a piece of pizza she was eating and threw at her, pretended that he was going to hit her few times to scare her, swearing at her. After he calmed down, he even went on to tell her that he was proud of himself for not actually hitting her. I think it was before he actually hit her, but I thought it was as bad. He would say discriminating words, 4 letter words and spits at her (!), in addition to the hitting. When she told him that what he did is a crime in this country, (he is an immigrant with a US citizenship, my friend is from Japan.) he said there is no witness or evidence. Very true. And she would like to get that evidence if possible... She was thinking about recording what goes on in her household, but I thought that could be illegal? Does anyone know if she can do that in New York?

Getting the proof for this abuse is important for her. If the cause of the divorce is her husband's violence, she is likely to be able to stay in the US, keep her jobs here etc... But if there is no proof, then she probably has to give up everything, go back to Japan and start all over again. (Getting a job after 30 is very difficult in Japan.) She found a immigration lawyer, and now looking for a divorce lawyer. In a meantime, she would like to get that "proof". So, if anyone could tell me if recording private conversation is legal or not in NY, that would be very helpful. I'd love to know what she could do if it is NOT legal as well...

I used to tell her that I want them to have a baby so that we can be mommy friends, but I am so glad that they didn't have a baby. If he treats her this way, I'm so scared to think what he would do to his child! I am now very scared for her and want to help her as much as I can.

I'm sorry for the long post, and thank you so much for reading if you got this far...

Thanks in advance.

[aliceinwonderland]

Yes, she needs proof, lots of it...Supposedly, the law protects a woman with just a green card when the cause of divorce is domestic violence, but obviously it has to go before the court, and who knows their patience with immigration issues these days?? Her immigration lawyer should be able to tell her what the law specifically requires...I doubt the divorce lawyer would know about that specific immigration Act...

(I'm not a lawyer, I'm just fairly familiar with US immigration law)

[Laurelsmom2002]

Well I don't know about in NY, but I do know in FL if the police are called on a domestic violence call and they want to press charges on the abuser, they can do so even if the victim later recants her story just based on the information taken at the scean (sp typing fast)perhaps she may want to have a police call at the end of one of his outbreak moments as part of her evidence

[miki]

Sumio,
I PM'd you with some information. Let me know if you didn't get it.

ETA: make sure she is taking pictures of any marks he leaves, even if they are superficial and fade very quickly. If the marks are the kind that fade quickly, it's even better if someone else sees them in addition to the pictures. Also, not sure where your friend lives but here is a list of resources for all of NY state:
http://thesafetyzone.org/everyone/resource.html . There is one organization especially for Asian women: http://www.nyawc.org . If your friend would feel more comfortable speaking with someone in Japanese, she may have better luck getting in touch with this group. She may also find that they provide counseling and support services geared for the cultural attitudes toward domestic violence in Asian cultures.

I have been thinking about your friend ever since reading your post. I hope she can get away from her husband quickly if there is no hope he will get counseling and change. But if he is so bold as to think his word would be taken over hers, I am not optimistic that he would try to change. I prosecuted so many of these cases when I was an assistant district attorney in Manhattan and the best outcomes I saw were always the ones where the woman who was being abused made a clean break. I wish her good luck.

[candybomiller]

Send her to the local YWCA. They will be able to help her with everything. If she has any bruising, make sure to get pictures of it. If she is in an abusive situation, she should NOT have to stay in that situation to get proof. That is barbaric. Please, look up the local YWCA and make her call them.

Domestic violence is one of my hot-buttons. If you need anymore information, email or pm me.

ETA: Well, I just called the YWCA in NYC and apparently they don't offer domestic violence services. (!!!?) I don't know how that's possible, but whatever. I'll look for more support services after my appt with my therapist.

[psophia17]

The YWCA that I was a member of in NYC was mostly just a gym and daycare - nothing else that I knew of.

I have the name of a really great immigration lawyer in NYC if your friend needs it - let me know, okay?

[Judegirl]

There are other organizations specifically for domestic violence in NYC. I'll look around tomorrow, but I know she can call JBFCS (Jewish Board of Family & Child Services - no, it doesn't matter that she's from Japan) and they can get her the help that she needs. She can also call the local NOW chapter, and they should be able to refer her. But I'll look tomorrow and get back to you if I find anything specific.

[aliceinwonderland]

2-3 years? Longer? If it's over 3 years she may be off (the immigration) hook..
ETA--I just re-read your post, and I see it's only been 2 yrs.

[candybomiller]

Here's what I found.

http://www.barnard.edu/bcrw/guide/ST/SafeHori.htm

This should be a good place to start.

[snp624]

Thank you so much for your advices, everyone! I will send a link for this thread to my friend. I'm sure she will find it very helpful. Hopefully she can get out of this situation very soon. I'll keep you updated.

[snp624]

Wen,

Thank you so much for valuable information! I PM'd you back.

[snp624]

Thank you Petra! She just found a good immigration lawyer, so that part is all set.

[kijip]

She should write everything down that she can remember. She should make a list of any one she told. She should call the police and make a report. And most importantly she needs to leave him ASAP. It sounds like she has an attorney and lots of resources from you. I hope that she does well. And I am so glad that she has a friend like you to help!

Oh and someone should tell this man that people have been convicted in Domestic violence cases on the basis of the victims statement, the shouting heard by the nieghbor, the account given to the cops at the scene. He foolish if he thinks that if there is no one else in the room, nothing can happen.