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View Full Version : How much toddler pickyness do you tolerate?



LucyG
12-14-2004, 08:34 AM
And where do you draw the line? DD is starting to get REALLY opinionated. She can have a major meltdown over the particular cup or bib she wants, the way I cut (or don't cut) her banana, etc. But, it's never the same thing that sends her over the edge. Yesterday, she had a fit because she wanted the duck bib. Today, I put the duck bib on her and she wailed. Some days it's the purple cup, some days it's the blue one, etc. You get the idea. I don't want to create a spoiled toddler by catering to her every whim, but I don't know how much of this is just her developmental stage, and how much of it is being willfully choosy. I'll cross-post this in the toddler lounge. Thanks for any thoughts you might have!


http://www.gynosaur.com/assets/ribbons/ribbon_emerald_18m.gif[/img][/url]
21 months and counting!

Rachels
12-14-2004, 09:02 AM
It's SO frustrating, but it's normal toddler behavior. They're learning that they can have some impact on the circumstances of their worlds, and they're trying it out. I've dealt with it by offering choices at every possible turn: Would you like the blue cup or the purple cup today? Would you like the duck bib or the flower bib?

It gives her a chance to practice making decisions and gives her an important feeling of mastery and control while still being entirely benign. And it works for things where you have a desired outcome, too: Would you like to walk to the car or would you like me to carry you? It's bathtime now. Would you like to have bubbles or no bubbles?

We do this just all the time. I find that it does help some when she can't have a choice, because it's an exception. And she does have tantrums and they do drive me crazy, but again, it's normal for toddlers to do that. I try to respond by validating how she's feeling: "Oh, you're so sad that the purple cup isn;t clean right now. That's very disappointing. Would you like a snuggle to help you feel better?" and so on.

HTH!

-Rachel
Mom to Abigail Rose
5/18/02


"When you know better, you do better."
Maya Angelou

http://www.gynosaur.com/assets/ribbons/ribbon_sapphire_24m.gif Two years and counting!

egoldber
12-14-2004, 09:13 AM
This is all very natural. They are learning that they have autonomy and it is a developmental need to practice exerting their autonomomy from you. It would be worrisome if she didn't exhibit this behavior.

I try to DD choices: blue or red cup? pink shirt or green shirt? That seems to diffuse the situation. In general, my rule is "how much do I care?" Do I really care if she uses the red cup or the blue cup? No, so she gets to choose. Do I really care if she holds my hand in the parking lot? Yes, so she has no choice in that. Picking and choosing where to draw the line is very important at this age.

I agree with you that I think it is important that children learn that all their wants cannot always be satisfied right away. But its also important that they learn that their desires and wishes have weight as well. And when you do have to draw the line, I say something like "I know you don't want to hold hands, but its too dangerous to walk in the parking lot by yourself. Do you want to ride in the cart or in the stroller in the store?" Sometimes distracting them with another choice helps to diffuse things too.

Another idea would be to put her cups and bibs somewhere that she can get to them. And then ask her to pick a cup and a bib for lunch. That was no only does she get the autonomy of choosing, but she starts to learn to set her place at the table.

LucyG
12-14-2004, 09:54 AM
Thank you, thank you, ladies! I feel a lot better after reading your responses, and it's good to know that I have a normal toddler and am not simply raising Miss Picky Princess. I think it's definitely time for us to start giving her more choices, and to be conscious about asking her to selet between a limited number of things. She loves to help out around the house, so hopefully I can maximize her cooperative attitude when it comes to these daily choices. As you said, Beth, some things are nonnegotiable (holding hands in traffic, riding in car seat, etc.). But, I'm going to try to back off and pick my battles when it comes to things that aren't issues of safety. And, I have to face the fact that she IS going to have some tantrums, and that her doing so will not scar her for life (nor brand me as a bad mommy)!


http://www.gynosaur.com/assets/ribbons/ribbon_emerald_18m.gif[/img][/url]
21 months and counting!

mharling
12-14-2004, 10:16 AM
Lucy -
We're in a similar boat and this really came to light for me the day Lane had a fit about the coat I put on him. He very clearly wanted a different coat. I changed his coat, but from then on, have held up 2 appropriate coats and let him pick. Some other choices we let him make are which jammies he would like to wear, which plate he would like to use at meals and which toothbrush he would like to use (this was a tip I read somewhere about giving them some control in learning to brush their teeth). No additional advice, just echoing Beth and Rachel and letting you know you're not alone. :)

Mary
Lane - April 2003
Little sister on the way!!! March 2!

kelly ann
12-14-2004, 10:24 AM
Mary-

Great tip on the toothbrushes. We have about 5 different ones for DS since we keep thinking a different toothbrush will help with his tantrums. Maybe we should just try offering him a choice of toothbrushes - we have 5 to pick from!

Rachels
12-14-2004, 12:52 PM
You can also offer choices about those non-negotiable things: Would you like to climb into your carseat yourself, or would you like me to put you in? Would you like to hold my hand or would you like me to carry you? etc...

-Rachel
Mom to Abigail Rose
5/18/02


"When you know better, you do better."
Maya Angelou

http://www.gynosaur.com/assets/ribbons/ribbon_sapphire_24m.gif Two years and counting!

egoldber
12-14-2004, 01:33 PM
"Would you like to hold my hand or would you like me to carry you?"

Um, unless you're 21 weeks pregnant, have sciatic pain to die for and can't carry your 35 pound toddler anymore, LOL!!! ;)

trumansmom
12-14-2004, 02:09 PM
"Do you want to hold this hand or this hand?" Seriously! For some reason, this worked when I was no longer able to carry DS. And it still comes in handy while carrying DD and trying to corral DS.

Jeanne
Mom to Truman 11/29/01 and Eleanor 4/14/04

christic
12-14-2004, 02:34 PM
Offering 2 acceptable choices has worked well for us too, but for really tough situations it sometimes helps to throw in a 3rd choice that is completely ridiculous but still gets the job done. As in...

It's time to go upstairs for bed and you have 3 choices: you can walk upstairs, I'll carry you upstairs, or we can both crawl upstairs roaring like lions.

daisymommy
12-14-2004, 03:40 PM
Awesome advice ladies! I'm printing this out to hang on the fridge as a daily reminder! Thank-you!

lisams
12-14-2004, 04:47 PM
We're going through the same thing! Now I offer choices all day long without even realizing it - it's just become second nature. Now the problem is she decides she wants her blue cup and then says "no mommy, red cup" when I hand her the blue cup that she originally wanted. Argggg! Maybe I should just put them out and have her grab the one she wants, I think that may work better.

This thread was very reassuring, I'm glad you posted it!! Somedays I tell her it's a good thing she's so darn cute :-) !!!

Lisa

cara1
12-14-2004, 05:18 PM
Agreed, but it does backfire. Like pajamas. He knows what he has. So I may offer 2, but he declines. We go through 5 other ones before he finally settles. And if the Superman PJ's with the BIG cape (vs. the regular Superman PJ's) are in the laundry, we are in big trouble.