DH extremely unhappy at work -- need advice

[babystuffbuff]

It seems like I've been unloading here a lot lately, so I apologize in advance for another long-winded complaint. :)

My husband is very, very unhappy with his job, and I don't know how to be supportive of him.

Without giving away too many personal details (I hope), he is a coach at a small, private college in the Northeast. He LOVES coaching, he just comes alive when he is with "his" kids, and they adore him as well. Our one departing senior just wrote him a long note about how he was a great coach and friend, helped him through some tough times, etc. The Athletic Department, however, does not share this view. :( DH is constantly getting negative feedback about his administrative performance and never gets praised for the incredible job he does with coaching, which is his main job, not filling out paperwork. There had only been one occasion in the history of the school (before DH took over) of getting a medal at the national championships. DH has been here for three years, and has won a medal at nationals EVERY YEAR, including a gold (that's first place in the entire COUNTRY) his FIRST year as the head coach. Call me biased, but I think that's pretty darn incredible, plus he has lead them to many other awards, such as medals at the state championships. Basically, no one on the national level had really heard of this school until DH came along.

Okay, done bragging. :) The problem is, he gets no acknowledgement from his boss of his achievements, and even was rated "unacceptable" in his review this year! The kids gave him an excellent review, as they have done every year.

So after his review today, he was incredibly agitated and upset. He says he wants to leave. Now, I have no problem with that (I HATE where we live now, only moved here b/c of his job), but we just bought a house a few months ago and it still needs work before we can really sell it for a profit. Plus, the "next step" for DH in his career is coaching in the Ivy League, and there aren't any openings right now, although there will be soon, as several coaches at big schools are ready to retire. Also, and I know that this is a 110% selfish reason, I just found a good job that I like in February, after being here for a year and a half! I don't want to go back to job searching just yet.

DH says he wants to get his license back and go back to hospital work, but I KNOW that he wouldn't be happy there -- he was miserable the last time he was in that field. The plan for a while now has been for us to stay here one more (academic) year and then leave, hopefully for an Ivy spot. While I hate seeing him so frustrated, and I don't like where we are at all, at this point I think we need to stick to the plan, and not just up sticks now. I don't care about the school, really, since they've treated him like crap, but I love the kids to bits, and I know this would shock and hurt them. After next year, the kids who were freshmen DH's first year would be graduated, and they are the ones who would be the most stung by the change, so leaving wouldn't be as bad.

So.......WWYD? I really want to support DH, and I know he is an excellent coach who deserves a much better situation, but I don't think now is the time to bolt.

TIA,

Sarah

Edited to try to make this shorter. :)

[Mommy_Again]

what a tough situation. I am sorry for your husband. My initial thought is to stick it out until another position becomes available. That will let you avoid the stress of having to support your family with only one income, and also give you the time to get your house repairs done.

Would your DH be open to talking to a counseler that might help him learn how to better "shrug off" the admin part of the job, so that it doesn't get to him as much? There are therapists out there who specialize in career issues. It's easy to say "don't let it bother you", but that's kind of what he needs to do to get by. Focus on the kids as much as possible. I am sure it is a very complicated situation with multiple factors involved with his bosses.

Your DH is probably very emotional today because his review is so fresh in his mind. I bet in a few days, even tomorrow maybe, he can assess the situation rationally and do what is best for your fammily. Good luck to you!

[JElaineB]

That sucks. My DH also hates his job because of the way managment treats him (and everyone) but at least he doesn't get bad reviews! I say your DH should put out feelers - it sounds like he is a great coach and will find something else. I would plan to stay up to a year until something else comes along, but when something does, he should take it (as long as it is an improvement). Even a lateral move at this point sounds like it would be worth it. I hear you on not wanting to job hunt (for yourself), but sometimes it is a necessary evil! Good luck.

Jennifer
mom to Jacob 9/27/02

[tigalig]

Sarah, that's such a difficult position to be in and I'm sorry. I would say that you wait a day or two so he can sleep on it (unless he's quiting tomorrow in which case encourage him to take a few days to think things through) before you express your concerns. My recommendation is to be supportive no matter what. I absolutely hated my dh being "right" when I needed to blow some steam and threaten and bla, bla, bla. I just needed him to say, "I'm here for you and we'll do whatever it takes." It seemed like the sooner he did that, the faster I came to my senses, realized that I could hold on, and go on with life. Maybe it won't work for you and/or your dh, but I'm just telling you what I would want to hear if I was on the other side of your situation.

[jenmcadams]

Sarah -

You might have seen my post yesterday along the same lines...I'm not sure I have any sage advice, but did want to commiserate. Tough and unreasonable supervisors can make any work situation hard to deal with. It sounds like there could also be some jealousy going on. Would leaving with a bad review hurt him when he applies for Ivy jobs in the future? Is it possible he could talk to a mentor/coach (not at his school) about how to pull that review ranking up and make it for one more year (spend more time on the admin stuff, toe the line a little -- all for the sake of a better review when he goes looking for a new job)

Ultimately, if he's completely miserable and doesn't think he can take it, then you guys probably don't have much of a choice, but maybe there's a way to make the job more bearable so he doesn't have to leave his field completely.

Hope it works out for you guys...we're still in limbo with our situation and I know how hard that can be.

[babystuffbuff]

Thanks for the sympathy, everyone. :)

Jen, I'm sorry you're in a tough spot, too! It can be a very frustrating time. :( I don't think this bad review will hurt DH much, thank goodness. The report mentioned almost nothing about his coaching, just focused on two things that went wrong this year (letting the kids park on the grass next to the practice facility is a big offense? Who knew?). The Athletic Director is actually leaving to start a new job (this is her last week of working for the school), so we are hoping that the next AD is more reasonable. DH has "friends in high places", as the saying goes -- he is good friends with one of the big Ivy coaches (who has been a friend of his family for ages), and knows a few more, although not as well. I have been encouraging him to get in touch with S. (his friend) and mention that he is looking around; as a member of the "old boy" network of Ivy coaches, S. would be in a position to help DH, and would probably hear of openings before the jobs are officially posted. Also, S. has worked with DH in the past (outside of coaching) and is very impressed with and confident in his abilities as a coach. He has even told my FIL that DH would be a good choice to take over his job when he retires, which won't be too much longer, S. is in his mid-60's.

I think we will end up sticking it out for one more year, then moving on, hopefully to a much better situation!

Thanks again for all the support.

Sarah

[Moneypenny]

Sarah,
I worked in the administrative end of college athletics for 6 years, and I know what a tough job it is to be a coach at this level. Many people have this vision that it's easy - very few hours, summers off, blah, blah, blah and I know that totally isn't the case. College coaches put in more hours than I ever imagined before I started working in that area! I'm sorry your DH doesn't feel supported by the AD, but I will say that, to administrators and the people who make personnel and budgetary decisions, the administrative aspect of coaching is vitally important. If the paperwork isn't done properly, you can put the program in jeopardy due to league and NCAA violations. Now, I'm certainly not saying your DH is doing that at all, and I'm not saying that I agree with that viewpoint, or that it's the right way to run an athletics program, but I'm just trying to explain why ADs come down hard on coaches for not doing their paperwork. There is a lot of pressure on ADs to run a tight ship, and IME, they pass that pressure down to the coaches. Can your DH put an assistant coach in charge of most of the administrative matters?

I have good friends who are coaches at Ivy League schools, and the adminstrative burden is the same or even greater there, but at least the ADs are incredibly supportive of successes on the field (or in the arena, or pool, or wherever) and that seems to make the mundane paperwork aspect a bit more bearable. Also, there tend to me a few more resources so it is possible to have assistant coaches or program assistants help handle the administration of the program. Hopefully, the new AD will treat your DH with more of the respect he deserves. It sounds like he's had fantastic accomplishments, and if the athletes respect him, that is the most important thing and very hard to achieve, I think. However, I don't think you can get away from needing to be a solid paper pusher anywhere in the upper ranks of college coaching. I hope that doesn't sound harsh, because I don't mean it that way at all. I'm just trying to explain how "the other side" thinks about things, since I used to be one of "the others" (for which I am slightly ashamed :o ).
Susan
DD - Avery, born 8/5/04

[babystuffbuff]

>Can your DH put an assistant coach in charge of most of the administrative matters?


That's the thing -- he doesn't HAVE an assistant!!! For the past three years, he has been handling ALL of the coaching, paperwork, travel, etc. for the entire team, Varsity and Freshmen (who compete separately in his sport). Twelve-hour days are not uncommon, as you noted, Susan, and he regularly has to work in two 2-3 hour practices around his "office time" of 9-4, and he is given no flexibility on when he "needs" to be in the office.

I don't think you sounded harsh at all, and I appreciate the other perspective. :) Believe me, I am trying to understand where the AD is coming from (DH's sport isn't governed by the NCAA, BTW). I just don't think that DH is the administrative disaster that he is made out to be, especially when he is doing positively EVERYTHING himself, with no help whatsoever. I had several parents come up to me last week at Nationals and say what an excellent job he had done with the trip, organizing everything, arranging for the kids to stay on campus to train even after the school year ended and they had to leave their dorms, arranging for meals both on campus and at Nationals (where he arranged for parents to provide much of the food for 50 hungry college boys, greatly easing the financial burden on the school).

I'll stop now, 'cos I'm just getting mad. :P Thanks for your reply!

Sarah

[Moneypenny]

Whew! Glad you weren't upset with what I wrote. Now that you've given me more info, I don't know what in the world the AD would have to complain about with your DH. 50 athletes, no assistant, not sanctioned by the NCAA so none of those rules to worry about...sounds like your hubby is a saint and really devoted to his sport and his athletes!

Susan
DD - Avery, born 8/5/04