Tricky question about having kids

[psophia17]

People we know are talking about having kids. The woman I've posted about before in the bitching post - she became my instant friend when we moved here, but in reality she's horrible and I don't like her. She's rude, obnoxious, and since she works in child-care part time (25 hours a week) she's an expert and tells me what I need to do with DS. DH is getting more and more fed up with the guy she's married to (his best friend since childhood). A quick example of why is that when DH told the guy that he wasn't going to a Pearl Jam concert 4 hours away were tix cost something like $100, the guy gave him grief about being p-whipped and boring, and DH finally (this goes on ALL the time) told him off and said he had a wife, kid, and obligations to be a good person and the guy should try it sometime.

But anyhow...they are talking about having kids, and we want to know - do you know any really self-cenetered horrible people who had a baby and changed their ways? Or should we start trying to figure out ways to discourage them (not that they'd believe us, parenthood is so easy and they know everything).

[m448]

I'd say about 10 percent of the psychos having kids have had a positive change in their lives. By psychos I mean people who you would speak with and think they have absolutely no clue, no inclination or business having children and you're sticking around because it's a train wreck waiting to happen.

The other 90% have just continued being their self-centered, ill planning, no good selves except now they're raising a new generation.

[kijip]

I don't think that you can really change their minds. But you can sit back and watch a funny show!

FWIW, I have seen people that were mean and totally off base about what parenting is like become humbled/improved by parenting.

But even if they do get better....it will be fun to watch.

Hate to be so flippant when a baby is involved but I just don't see how they would be persuaded to change their minds.

[jk3]

I seriously doubt having a child will change their self-centered ways. From what you describe, this sounds like a personality issue. I know you are joking that you would like to discourage them from having a child. That's an impossibility! =0

Jenn
DS 6/3/03

http://lilypie.com/baby2/030603/2/5/1/-5/.png

[psophia17]

"I know you are joking that you would like to discourage them from having a child. That's an impossibility!"

A girl can dream - if it wasn't for the constant comments about how if DH and I can manage to do a half-decent job, then they should be awesome at being parents, I wouldn't get so annoyed with them about it. I do wish there was some way I could explain how life-changing having a baby is without them chalking that statement up to my not being an expert...

*sigh*

[kijip]

"if it wasn't for the constant comments about how if DH and I can manage to do a half-decent job, then they should be awesome at being parents, I wouldn't get so annoyed with them about it."

If they are insulting you and DH, you should withdraw from being friends w/out guilt or at the very least tell them in no uncertain terms that until you are a parent you have no idea and that you are loving the idea of them getting their balloons popped when they see how hard it is. Yeah, it will fall on deaf ears BUT it will feel good saying it! And you deserve it. How fuc*k*ng mean of them.

[icunurse]

I don't think anything you say or do will persuade them to not have a child. That said, I think most people don't change a whole heck of a lot after having a child (other than what absolutely must change). I know a couple co-workers and while I wouldn't say that they are horrible people, they were all about themselves prior to having kids - going out all the time, fancy vacations, attending lots of "events", etc. One has slowed down a bit, but constantly complains about money now (can't figure out how to do/have everything she did before AND have a child). The other now works 50-60 hours a week to keep having everything and lets her mom babysit the entire time, as her husband works 40+ and has a long commute (and another baby is due soon). Some people just don't get it and probably never will....
Traci
~Connor's Mom~
http://lilypie.com/baby2/040204/2/2/4/-6/.png[/img][/url]

[psophia17]

That's what I thought - but they're oblivious.

If we could withdraw friendship easily, we would, but they're part of the group that goes back to elementary school, so we're stuck. Oh well - I think that they will successfully alienate everyone soon enough, and then I can tell the woman off :-D

ETA: I just remembered something the woman said to me once - I was telling her about coming to the BBB for this, that, and the other, she told me that imaginary people were probably making up everything they said just to keep me coming back and were probably using all the info I posted for bad things (she went more into detail). Again - she would never need to come to a place like this to ask questions, since it's all so easy and she's trained :P

[psophia17]

Great avatar!

[elliput]

Why discourage them when their having a child could be the answer to keeping them away from you?

I agree with Katie - sit back and watch the funny show! Chances are you probably will not see much of it as they will realize there is a lot more work involved than they anticipated, and that they won't have the extra $$ and time to go see Pearl Jam even it PJ is playing at the bar down the street with a $2 cover. (We can always dream, right?)

[psophia17]

"Why discourage them when their having a child could be the answer to keeping them away from you?"

Hmmmm - I didn't think of that ;)

I guess if I have to look at a bright side, that one's pretty shiny...

[barbarhow]

so on top of being quite narcissistic-she is also paranoid. Two highly recommended attributes for parenting.... ;-)
Barbara-mom to Jack 3/27/03, a Red Sox fan
and Anna 5/12/05, my little Yankee fan!

[tigalig]

Another "imaginary" friend will pipe in. . . instead of attempting to discourage them, find creative ways to avoid them. If they drive you batty now, it will get worse with children.

[kijip]

When will these daycare workers realize that childcare DOES NOT EQUAL parenting? After all, if they are sick you get to call the parents. If they are terribly frustrating, you can kick them out of the school. When they get nutty and hungry in the afternoon the PARENTS are coming to get them soon.....

I hear your Petra- I know a daycare teacher who thinks she has it all down. Um no. And I say this having worked in a daycare, a YMCA and as a nanny while in college early on....and yes, I took some ECE classes....SO NOT THE SAME as parenting.....

[bostonsmama]

I've received a lot of good advice from my own parents: NOTHING prepares you for having children! Not dogs, not college, not experience with other children. Parenthood is the ultimate, universally humbling condition.

I believe children are born with unique and distinct personalities (some are quiet and obedient, others are strong willed)...and to add to the PP above...God help you if they get an "easy" child who is complicit and wonderful...it will only "affirm" their superior parenting skills (that is, as Dr. Dobson puts it, until child #2 comes along and turns their world upside down).

I wouldn't say nobody changes through parenthood. My parents were in the "our kids will never do this ________ or that ________" camp, but quickly learned that sleepless nights, disobedient toddlers, picky eating and perpetual tardiness is just par for the course. It wasn't until my mid teens, but my parents finally started calling their friends and parents and telling them how sorry they were for being so smug. And I think we as kids benefitted from it.

Take heart, Petra. Everyone gets theirs in the end.

Larissa