brittone2
06-08-2005, 12:17 PM
Update to the update...
I won't get into too many details as I've rattled on more than enough, but DH and I went over to the ILs last night. I basically immediately told FIL that he doesn't intimidate or scare me. I told him that I can't control his comments, but as a grown adult, I blatantly *refuse* to allow him or anyone else to speak to me in the way that he has. He agreed he is a highly critical person and that he's not sure that he can change that, etc. etc. I told him that's fine, but I ask for all of our sake that you work towards occasionally uttering a kind comment and work on holding back criticisms, and that if he continues to make criticisms, they may be asked to leave our home and if it is in their home, we will leave. He got teary-eyed several times, so I think much of what I said struck a chord inside of him in terms of how he parented my DH and how being so critical probably negatively influenced their relationship. DH has *never* seen his father get teary-eyed, so something definitely resonated with what I was saying I guess.
I explained there are reasons why we do what we do. He said he doesn't agree with much of what he does, and I assured him that it isn't a democracy, and he doesn't get a vote in how Logan is raised. I told him that we have the *right* to set our *own* boundaries, just as he did with his own children, and regardless of what he says/does, that is what we will do, and his comments aren't going to change that.
Essentially, he didn't try to bully me, and he and MIL were apologetic for the most part. I'm not naive, and I'm sure that there will be many many more comments as the years go by. It probably won't last long, but it felt so good to both Dh and I to put it all out there and give him some things to think about, and we've stated our boundaries at this point. I know that there is NO convincing this man that attachment parenting has benefits (I know not everyone here is very AP oriented, but it is what works for our family). I won't even try to convince him. But, he knows where we stand. He and MIL know that their constant commenting will not be tolerated.
We'll see what happens. THere was more to the story but this is the overall gist of the conversation. Interesting that he interacted completely differently with me than with DH. I think much of it relates to the fact that I don't have a parent/child relationship with this man and made it clear he will *NOT* step all over me. I won't allow him to do it.
On a funny/side note, when DH went by himself to talk on Thursday night they asked why I wasn't there...Dh said we thought it was better if he alone came, etc. etc. FIL said "you can't protect Beth from everything." DH didn't say it, but laughed to himself...ummmm....i'm protecting you guys from her LOL. I am generally pretty quiet and reserved around them...but when I open up and let it out...look out. I think it is shocking to them to hear someone say, "I won't allow you to treat me or our family this way." I'm glad they got their dose of it.
Thanks for all of the support. As of now they are not coming to NC as I don't think I'm ready for that at this point. But we are spending some time with them over the next few days before we leave. We'll see what happens.
Thanks for listening, making me laugh, and getting me through this at a difficult and stressful time in our lives. If I didn't have this place to vent and gain some perspective, I don't know what I'd do sometimes. :)
****Update****
Dh went over to the ILs tonight with Logan. DH told them we are going to continue parenting the way we parent, etc. etc. ILs said they can't change who they are, and are we really upset by a few comments they made?? DH explained yes, the comments are frequent, and never tempered with anything positive, which did actually make them pause.
Essentially they are unwilling to change who they are. They also pointed out to DH that we allow Logan to do things they don't agree with. Are you ready for this....seriously...sit down.....don't tell anyone we do this.....
Are you sitting down? Brace yourself....
Apparently one time DH held a green bean in his mouth (sticking out...not "in" his mouth) and allowed Logan to take it out and eat it. Yep, you heard it here first. I hang my head in shame. I don't recall the occasion, but apparently it was while we were prepping dinner or something once. Yep, call CPS, call the police. We are awful parents.
THey said that we are teaching Logan to "take food from other kids" and that we're asking for him to get sick. My child has been sick two times in 15 months mind you. Unacceptable I guess?
Ummm...I totally missed DH doing this . However, we both share our food from time to time with Logan by offering him a bite of what we are eating. Do most mamas and daddies here not do this? For those of you who do...do NOT tell my MIL and FIL apparently.
Yep, sign me up as a permanent resident of the WTF camp. I obviously belong there permanently as I can't even comprehend what the H#LL the issue is here. These people are out of their #%*@^$# minds.
I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
DH chatted with them and remained calm somehow. This was a big step for him as neither he nor his siblings has ever confronted his parents face to face because of how they were raised. He was very upset. but stayed calm and didn't get into much with them other than saying we do what we do, end of story. ILs say they can't change who they are. They DO want to talk things over with me, but at this point I have no idea what to do because if they air out grievances such as the "great green bean incident of 2005" in my presence I may completely burst into hysterical laughter. Mind you, they were totally serious about this being a *terrible* example of parenting. I'm not kidding. At this point, I think they do need to hear from me. I've been trying to stay out of it as I don't know if I can remain level-headed, but I am about to let it all fly with them. My poor DH and his siblings may have had the fear of G*d put into them growing up, but my ILs do not intimidate me in any way.
Okay, I thought I'd update you all on what an incompetent and horrendous mother and father DH and I are. I'm glad you all know now not to allow your children near me as I'm clearly awful and so is DH.
Please promise me you'll come visit me at the WTF camp because I don't think I have any hope of leaving at this point.
************************************************** ************************************************** ************************************************** *****************
This should probably go in the b*tching post but I need some advice and I figure more of you will see it here.
We've had problems with my ILs ever since DS was born 15 months ago. We got along fairly well before DS was born, but since his birth, it has been a bit rocky. It began with my MIL finding out we were using a midwife for maternity care...she bashed me to my own mother rather than coming to me with her concerns so I could answer things for her. WHen DS was born, we held him too much, he slept too much, he breathed weird, I mean...one thing after another. She told me at 10 days post partum it was good I had a running stroller so I could start jogging right away. (I lost my pg'cy weight very quickly BTW and MIL is NOT thin).
She again told many people behind our backs how DS was spoiled as we held him too much. It irritates her that I BF at all I think, let alone the fact Logan is still nursing (she never was supportive of it, and I never nurse in front of them because I know they are uncomfortable with it).
We practice attachment parenting, so DS spent much of his first year in a sling with daddy or with me. He's a content and happy little guy much of the time. She still doesn't know we cosleep, or that DS isn't circ'd, as both of these things would send her through the roof.
When DS was about 2 months old I basically wrote them a letter saying that we were not going to tolerate them talking to my mom behind our backs, and constantly criticizing everything we do. We explained our decisions are well-researched, well thought out, etc. and that we are comfortable with how things were going with DS. I basically said it is our job to parent him, your job to enjoy him...we are not going to defend every single decision we make, blah blah blah. FIL apologized, MIL never apologized. However, FIL then told me how he started smacking his sons' behinds at 6 weeks of age when they'd wiggle around on the changing table so they'd learn to "be still" and that his kids never begged for candy at the grocery store (yes, insert gigantic eye roll here!!!).
This is one reason why they will not babysit DS. They basically don't even know how to interact with him, let alone the fact that I don't trust he wouldn't be spanked, etc. Frankly, we don't really leave DS at all...because we don't feel a need to. My parents have watched DS for an hour here and there if I had a doctor appt. etc. but although I deeply trust them, I just don't feel the need to leave DS often.
Anyway, things got better briefly after letter number one but it has been steadily escalating again.
Essentially every time we get together in recent months they have to get several digs in. FIL was annoyed two weeks ago because DS kept pushing his toy cars on the coffee table and they'd fall off. DH was across the table and would put them back on the table. DS wasn't intentionally doing this...he has limited experience with little cars and trying to keep them on the coffee table. He wasn't throwing them. FIL made some comment about how we "save" DS all the time because DH picked up the car a few times for him (ummm...if FIL drops something in front of me, I'd pick it up, kwim?). They essentially criticize every single thing we do, without ever even attempting to temper their input with the occasional nice comment. MIL couldnt' stand that DS didn't wear shoes until he was walking....did I mention I WAS A PEDIATRIC PHYSICAL THERAPIST before DS was born??? Perhaps I might actually have a clue on the topic. I nicely explained it to her, but every single time we got together, there was a comment. Some of these comments (i'm not giving them all to you as you get the drift) are beyond the normal occasional IL complaint, kwim? It is really just awful.
DH is behind me 100% and he can't take it anymore either. We went through IF to conceive DS and they are aware of this, although not the details. On memorial day, we were having dinner and they start ranting about a local couple with sextuplets and basically how stupid they are for wanting more kids when they already had twins, and how they basically got what they asked for, etc. etc. Okay, perhaps in my pre infertility days I might have thought negatively of such situations, but obviously my personal experiences have changed the perspective. DH and I tried to explain how it is essentially a medical mistake, they didn't plan to have 6, yada yada. In any case, they were making very rude and insensitive remarks about it over dinner. I finally got up with DS and said "until you walk a mile in those shoes, perhaps you shouldn't be so judgemental" and walked out of the room. I realize they don't know a lot of the details about IF treatments, but most normal people if they thought they MIGHT say something offensive/hurtful would avoid such a topic in light of our history, kwim? THere was never any apology. Even if they didn't realize what they were saying at the time, it was pretty clear I was upset and I'm sure they are smart enough to figure out why. YOu'd think they might utter a half hearted apology to us at least for upsetting us, kwim?
So...I've been annoyed w/ them as of late to say the least. THey were planning on helping with our move, but they'd be staying with us for 4-5 days and I just can't take it. They'd freak because it would be obvious we cosleep, and they'd probably make enough comments about our parenting that i'd end up flipping out. We were debating telling them they can't come down (we've tried hinting nicely before this).
The icing on the cake is I was talking w/ a friend two days ago whose MIL is friends with my MIL and apparently my MIL has been bashing me for not "letting" her babysit DS (some of her friends babysit grandkids so their moms can go to NYC for several days to get haircuts, manicures, etc...if I did this, I'd be a good mom in MILs book), basically it is my fault we are moving (yes, DH is returning to school for his PhD...clearly my fault), on and on. It was all focused on ME. So...my friend was defending DH and I to her own MIL, and mentioned all of this to me unsolicited. I hadn't even brought the topic up. So now I'm fuming as I'm the topic of her little breakfast get togethers with her "women's club" friends.
Obviously I'm furious. DH is furious. It is terrible timing as we are leaving in a week and a half and moving from PA to NC. My goal isn't to cut them off from DS...I've told DH he has to take Logan over once or twice more to see them before we go. I can totally understand it is hard on them seeing us move and not seeing their grandson as much. I feel for them. I do want them to see him again, but DH and I haven't spoken with them other than a single email basically saying we were upset (this was prior to finding out about more talk behind my back the other day). I'm fuming. He doesn't feel like speaking to them but wants to make sure they get to see Logan again before we leave.
Uggggh. I wish I could brush it off, but I just can't. It isn't the occasional comment here or there. It is to the point that both DH and I feel like we can't even talk or tell a story about Logan as they'll find fault with SOMETHING in our story, kwim? It doesn't make visits enjoyable. I know they will never grasp attachment parenting, and I don't expect them to. I've tried explaining briefly, I sent links when Logan was 2 months old about how you can't spoil a baby, etc. but I don't want to get into a cycle of defending myself to them. I just won't defend every single parenting choice to them.
Sorry so long, it has just been quite a saga. It is painful for all of us. I just feel like these people are so incredibly insensitive and hurtful to all of us. It can't continue like this.
DH and I have been debating writing them another letter (my ILs are so so so so not the sit-down-and-talk-about-it types at all...that's how my family works, but it just isn't something they do) but we're too upset still to get anything out without it sounding nasty. He may go over there tomorrow but doesn't even want to speak with them really...he just wants them to get to see Logan.
How do we handle this? I just dont need the stress with a move 10 days away but their insensitivity and negativity are just too much.
I won't get into too many details as I've rattled on more than enough, but DH and I went over to the ILs last night. I basically immediately told FIL that he doesn't intimidate or scare me. I told him that I can't control his comments, but as a grown adult, I blatantly *refuse* to allow him or anyone else to speak to me in the way that he has. He agreed he is a highly critical person and that he's not sure that he can change that, etc. etc. I told him that's fine, but I ask for all of our sake that you work towards occasionally uttering a kind comment and work on holding back criticisms, and that if he continues to make criticisms, they may be asked to leave our home and if it is in their home, we will leave. He got teary-eyed several times, so I think much of what I said struck a chord inside of him in terms of how he parented my DH and how being so critical probably negatively influenced their relationship. DH has *never* seen his father get teary-eyed, so something definitely resonated with what I was saying I guess.
I explained there are reasons why we do what we do. He said he doesn't agree with much of what he does, and I assured him that it isn't a democracy, and he doesn't get a vote in how Logan is raised. I told him that we have the *right* to set our *own* boundaries, just as he did with his own children, and regardless of what he says/does, that is what we will do, and his comments aren't going to change that.
Essentially, he didn't try to bully me, and he and MIL were apologetic for the most part. I'm not naive, and I'm sure that there will be many many more comments as the years go by. It probably won't last long, but it felt so good to both Dh and I to put it all out there and give him some things to think about, and we've stated our boundaries at this point. I know that there is NO convincing this man that attachment parenting has benefits (I know not everyone here is very AP oriented, but it is what works for our family). I won't even try to convince him. But, he knows where we stand. He and MIL know that their constant commenting will not be tolerated.
We'll see what happens. THere was more to the story but this is the overall gist of the conversation. Interesting that he interacted completely differently with me than with DH. I think much of it relates to the fact that I don't have a parent/child relationship with this man and made it clear he will *NOT* step all over me. I won't allow him to do it.
On a funny/side note, when DH went by himself to talk on Thursday night they asked why I wasn't there...Dh said we thought it was better if he alone came, etc. etc. FIL said "you can't protect Beth from everything." DH didn't say it, but laughed to himself...ummmm....i'm protecting you guys from her LOL. I am generally pretty quiet and reserved around them...but when I open up and let it out...look out. I think it is shocking to them to hear someone say, "I won't allow you to treat me or our family this way." I'm glad they got their dose of it.
Thanks for all of the support. As of now they are not coming to NC as I don't think I'm ready for that at this point. But we are spending some time with them over the next few days before we leave. We'll see what happens.
Thanks for listening, making me laugh, and getting me through this at a difficult and stressful time in our lives. If I didn't have this place to vent and gain some perspective, I don't know what I'd do sometimes. :)
****Update****
Dh went over to the ILs tonight with Logan. DH told them we are going to continue parenting the way we parent, etc. etc. ILs said they can't change who they are, and are we really upset by a few comments they made?? DH explained yes, the comments are frequent, and never tempered with anything positive, which did actually make them pause.
Essentially they are unwilling to change who they are. They also pointed out to DH that we allow Logan to do things they don't agree with. Are you ready for this....seriously...sit down.....don't tell anyone we do this.....
Are you sitting down? Brace yourself....
Apparently one time DH held a green bean in his mouth (sticking out...not "in" his mouth) and allowed Logan to take it out and eat it. Yep, you heard it here first. I hang my head in shame. I don't recall the occasion, but apparently it was while we were prepping dinner or something once. Yep, call CPS, call the police. We are awful parents.
THey said that we are teaching Logan to "take food from other kids" and that we're asking for him to get sick. My child has been sick two times in 15 months mind you. Unacceptable I guess?
Ummm...I totally missed DH doing this . However, we both share our food from time to time with Logan by offering him a bite of what we are eating. Do most mamas and daddies here not do this? For those of you who do...do NOT tell my MIL and FIL apparently.
Yep, sign me up as a permanent resident of the WTF camp. I obviously belong there permanently as I can't even comprehend what the H#LL the issue is here. These people are out of their #%*@^$# minds.
I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
DH chatted with them and remained calm somehow. This was a big step for him as neither he nor his siblings has ever confronted his parents face to face because of how they were raised. He was very upset. but stayed calm and didn't get into much with them other than saying we do what we do, end of story. ILs say they can't change who they are. They DO want to talk things over with me, but at this point I have no idea what to do because if they air out grievances such as the "great green bean incident of 2005" in my presence I may completely burst into hysterical laughter. Mind you, they were totally serious about this being a *terrible* example of parenting. I'm not kidding. At this point, I think they do need to hear from me. I've been trying to stay out of it as I don't know if I can remain level-headed, but I am about to let it all fly with them. My poor DH and his siblings may have had the fear of G*d put into them growing up, but my ILs do not intimidate me in any way.
Okay, I thought I'd update you all on what an incompetent and horrendous mother and father DH and I are. I'm glad you all know now not to allow your children near me as I'm clearly awful and so is DH.
Please promise me you'll come visit me at the WTF camp because I don't think I have any hope of leaving at this point.
************************************************** ************************************************** ************************************************** *****************
This should probably go in the b*tching post but I need some advice and I figure more of you will see it here.
We've had problems with my ILs ever since DS was born 15 months ago. We got along fairly well before DS was born, but since his birth, it has been a bit rocky. It began with my MIL finding out we were using a midwife for maternity care...she bashed me to my own mother rather than coming to me with her concerns so I could answer things for her. WHen DS was born, we held him too much, he slept too much, he breathed weird, I mean...one thing after another. She told me at 10 days post partum it was good I had a running stroller so I could start jogging right away. (I lost my pg'cy weight very quickly BTW and MIL is NOT thin).
She again told many people behind our backs how DS was spoiled as we held him too much. It irritates her that I BF at all I think, let alone the fact Logan is still nursing (she never was supportive of it, and I never nurse in front of them because I know they are uncomfortable with it).
We practice attachment parenting, so DS spent much of his first year in a sling with daddy or with me. He's a content and happy little guy much of the time. She still doesn't know we cosleep, or that DS isn't circ'd, as both of these things would send her through the roof.
When DS was about 2 months old I basically wrote them a letter saying that we were not going to tolerate them talking to my mom behind our backs, and constantly criticizing everything we do. We explained our decisions are well-researched, well thought out, etc. and that we are comfortable with how things were going with DS. I basically said it is our job to parent him, your job to enjoy him...we are not going to defend every single decision we make, blah blah blah. FIL apologized, MIL never apologized. However, FIL then told me how he started smacking his sons' behinds at 6 weeks of age when they'd wiggle around on the changing table so they'd learn to "be still" and that his kids never begged for candy at the grocery store (yes, insert gigantic eye roll here!!!).
This is one reason why they will not babysit DS. They basically don't even know how to interact with him, let alone the fact that I don't trust he wouldn't be spanked, etc. Frankly, we don't really leave DS at all...because we don't feel a need to. My parents have watched DS for an hour here and there if I had a doctor appt. etc. but although I deeply trust them, I just don't feel the need to leave DS often.
Anyway, things got better briefly after letter number one but it has been steadily escalating again.
Essentially every time we get together in recent months they have to get several digs in. FIL was annoyed two weeks ago because DS kept pushing his toy cars on the coffee table and they'd fall off. DH was across the table and would put them back on the table. DS wasn't intentionally doing this...he has limited experience with little cars and trying to keep them on the coffee table. He wasn't throwing them. FIL made some comment about how we "save" DS all the time because DH picked up the car a few times for him (ummm...if FIL drops something in front of me, I'd pick it up, kwim?). They essentially criticize every single thing we do, without ever even attempting to temper their input with the occasional nice comment. MIL couldnt' stand that DS didn't wear shoes until he was walking....did I mention I WAS A PEDIATRIC PHYSICAL THERAPIST before DS was born??? Perhaps I might actually have a clue on the topic. I nicely explained it to her, but every single time we got together, there was a comment. Some of these comments (i'm not giving them all to you as you get the drift) are beyond the normal occasional IL complaint, kwim? It is really just awful.
DH is behind me 100% and he can't take it anymore either. We went through IF to conceive DS and they are aware of this, although not the details. On memorial day, we were having dinner and they start ranting about a local couple with sextuplets and basically how stupid they are for wanting more kids when they already had twins, and how they basically got what they asked for, etc. etc. Okay, perhaps in my pre infertility days I might have thought negatively of such situations, but obviously my personal experiences have changed the perspective. DH and I tried to explain how it is essentially a medical mistake, they didn't plan to have 6, yada yada. In any case, they were making very rude and insensitive remarks about it over dinner. I finally got up with DS and said "until you walk a mile in those shoes, perhaps you shouldn't be so judgemental" and walked out of the room. I realize they don't know a lot of the details about IF treatments, but most normal people if they thought they MIGHT say something offensive/hurtful would avoid such a topic in light of our history, kwim? THere was never any apology. Even if they didn't realize what they were saying at the time, it was pretty clear I was upset and I'm sure they are smart enough to figure out why. YOu'd think they might utter a half hearted apology to us at least for upsetting us, kwim?
So...I've been annoyed w/ them as of late to say the least. THey were planning on helping with our move, but they'd be staying with us for 4-5 days and I just can't take it. They'd freak because it would be obvious we cosleep, and they'd probably make enough comments about our parenting that i'd end up flipping out. We were debating telling them they can't come down (we've tried hinting nicely before this).
The icing on the cake is I was talking w/ a friend two days ago whose MIL is friends with my MIL and apparently my MIL has been bashing me for not "letting" her babysit DS (some of her friends babysit grandkids so their moms can go to NYC for several days to get haircuts, manicures, etc...if I did this, I'd be a good mom in MILs book), basically it is my fault we are moving (yes, DH is returning to school for his PhD...clearly my fault), on and on. It was all focused on ME. So...my friend was defending DH and I to her own MIL, and mentioned all of this to me unsolicited. I hadn't even brought the topic up. So now I'm fuming as I'm the topic of her little breakfast get togethers with her "women's club" friends.
Obviously I'm furious. DH is furious. It is terrible timing as we are leaving in a week and a half and moving from PA to NC. My goal isn't to cut them off from DS...I've told DH he has to take Logan over once or twice more to see them before we go. I can totally understand it is hard on them seeing us move and not seeing their grandson as much. I feel for them. I do want them to see him again, but DH and I haven't spoken with them other than a single email basically saying we were upset (this was prior to finding out about more talk behind my back the other day). I'm fuming. He doesn't feel like speaking to them but wants to make sure they get to see Logan again before we leave.
Uggggh. I wish I could brush it off, but I just can't. It isn't the occasional comment here or there. It is to the point that both DH and I feel like we can't even talk or tell a story about Logan as they'll find fault with SOMETHING in our story, kwim? It doesn't make visits enjoyable. I know they will never grasp attachment parenting, and I don't expect them to. I've tried explaining briefly, I sent links when Logan was 2 months old about how you can't spoil a baby, etc. but I don't want to get into a cycle of defending myself to them. I just won't defend every single parenting choice to them.
Sorry so long, it has just been quite a saga. It is painful for all of us. I just feel like these people are so incredibly insensitive and hurtful to all of us. It can't continue like this.
DH and I have been debating writing them another letter (my ILs are so so so so not the sit-down-and-talk-about-it types at all...that's how my family works, but it just isn't something they do) but we're too upset still to get anything out without it sounding nasty. He may go over there tomorrow but doesn't even want to speak with them really...he just wants them to get to see Logan.
How do we handle this? I just dont need the stress with a move 10 days away but their insensitivity and negativity are just too much.