WWYD? Am I crazy to even be thinking about this??

[papal]

First of all, thanks for ALL the good wishes everyone.. I really do appreciate them and am going to print them out for the baby book!

Now onto my WWYD question!

Right now, I am thinking of a homebirth for the new baby. With Leela, the hospital experience was good but not great and since I didn't have any complications, I really want to try a home-birth this time around.

However, the last few (tedious, long and exhausting) days, I was thinking, WHY NOT GIVE BIRTH TO THIS BABY IN INDIA?

My reasons would be:
1. My dad is a doctor.. not an OB-GYN but he knows all the best doctors in my town, so I think he can find me a good doctor.
2. We would hire someone to take care of Leela and watch her.
3. There would be a baby nurse to massage the baby, bathe the baby etc.
4. Same baby nurse would give mama (ME) a massage and such everyday too.
5. My mom has a cook and a retinue (as my dad calls it) of servants so I don't have to worry about her working too hard (I feel guilty when she comes here because she does all the cooking and cleaning).
6. My mom does not drive here so I still have to go to the store and stuff like that when she needs something. There we have people deliver groceries and that type of thing.. plus my mom can drive there and she can continue to do her regular things (golf, mahjong, cards..).

I think my insurance would pay and hopefully, getting the baby citizenship to the US should not be too much of a hassle.

Am I just tired and thinking insane thoughts??
WWYD???

[jbowman]

Rashmi,

I stopped reading after you said "give birth to this baby in India" b/c I say go for it! When I saw the announcement yesterday, I wondered if you would give birth in India (one of my best friends is Indian-American, and her mom had her younger sister in India). It is not insane at all! Do what you want!

ETA: Can we go with you ;)?

[psophia17]

Rashmi,

I think that's a pretty great idea, I must say. If your insurance will pay for it is something only they can answer, but if they do, I would say go for it. You won't have problems getting your new baby onto your insurance, since that goes through the mother, but they might balk at paying for a homebirth in a different hemisphere.

The only thing I would warn you about is US Immigration...they are insane. Do either you or your DH have US citizenship? That would speed the process a lot, but still, it's insane. Even the paperwork to make sure that DS gets his Canadian citizenship is taking forever - I can't imagine what kind of timeframe you'd be looking at in the States.

In any case, if you can get your i's dotted and t's crossed, I think it's a great idea :)

[amp]

Well, I think I would be scared, but then again, I've never been to India, let alone have family and a history there. For me, the biggest concerns would be medical technology, which you would have a better handle on than I would, and the baby's citizenship, as well as the return trip w/ a newborn, as I understand the trip from America to India and back is very long and very tiring!

ETA: by referring to medical technology, I am referring to the ability to get to some quickly, should something go wrong during the birth at home, not to whether there is any! I just don't know how city like or rural your family's home is, and how quickly you can get to help if needed.

[pritchettzoo]

What about James?

Anna
Mama to Gracie (Sept '03)
and a BOY! (coming July '05)

[papal]

Petra,
My dh is a citizen and I have a greencard.. so hopefully that will make things easier to get citizenship for the new baby.
If I were to give birth in india, it would not be a home-birth but a hospital birth. BUT if it were to be in India, I am willing to sacrfice and get a scheduled c-section (as opposed to vaginal) so that dh can be there for the birth and i can be there for post partum... argh.. i can't believe i just said that!

[papal]

Amp, my mama will come back with me to the US, so I will have that help on the return flight which is VERY long.
Very good question about medical technology.. i will have to ask my Dad that. We live in a very large city, Hyderabad, so i think it should be fine... but those are very good points.

[papal]

He will only get 2 weeks (at the most) to come there... i don't mind going the scheduled c-section route if that means he can be there... i know i know.. second baby is really getting the short end of the stick huh?

[amp]

Ahh, and I see you said also (in a different reply) that the birth in India would be in a hospital, so that makes it much closer to more technology. I was worried you'd be in a house w/ no quick way to help. And your Mom's help on the return flight would be very helpful.

What about DH? You mentioned scheduling so that he could be there, but how long would he be able to stay? Would it be for the full time you were there? I don't know if my DH would be agreeable to going home while I stayed in another country if he had anything to say about it! He'd miss that baby (and me) like crazy!

ETA: duh, I just read your reply to Anna. I think my concern would be not just for the baby, but for James too. If it were me, I'd hate to leave my baby and my wife for another few weeks, or however long, to return to the US. Just my 2 cents.

[dowlinal]

Rashmi,

Can I come give birth with you? I would completely abandon my fear of another c-section in exchange for daily massages, a cook, and a bunch of sevants.

I think you should give birth where ever you feel the most comfortable. The only problem I can see is with James. It sounds like he will be there for the birth but will then have to return to the US. Will he feel left out if he's not there with you, Leela, and the baby?


BTW- I think that as long as one parent is an American citizen then the baby automatically has citizenship.

A

[Judegirl]

Why the heck not?? I say go where you think you'll be most comfortable!

Jude

[aliceinwonderland]

Are you and James both citizens? If so it should not be a problem in that regard, but even if you are not, it's just an added formality...


My father is also a doctor, and parents are similarly situated, but I would not give birth at home (not that I'm giving birth ever again, but hypothetically speaking). Home-births are just NOT popular over there (used to be, but not now), so I'd have to explain everything to everyone, and just the communication issues with Andrew only knowing curse words and "ugly monkey" in my languege I can just imagine the enourmous, hilarious nightmare that that would be... But if home births are popular in India, and considering what you just wrote, I'd say, WHY NOT!!

:)

[wagner36]

I say definitely. We were there for about 6 weeks before Charlie was born, and I don't think I would hesitate with the resources that you will have available to you. My best friend actually just moved back to Bombay (and my phone bill shows it - ugh!) after he got laid off and lost his H-1, terminated green card application, etc., and we were thinking of going back with Charlie in the winter (January or February) to see all of our friends. As long as you didn't think there would be any significant complications with the birth, or the need for a tremendous NICU if you were in a less-populated area (although, I'm assuming you'll be in a gigantic city where there would be a pretty good hospital), I think that it would be very touching to have one of your children born there - that's a wonderful thing.

Honestly, you would get so spoiled - the driver and the cook and all of that. James will be so annoyed with you when you get home after all of the pampering...

ETA: Okay, now that we're talking about a potential c-section, and not a vaginal birth, I would hesitate a little bit. I have never actually had major surgery, so there would be risks associated with that which may make me more hesitant - i.e. allergic reactions to anesthesia or painkillers, blood transfusions, etc. Just some more stuff to think about.

[aliceinwonderland]

Dad has to file/do something minor...But it is when mom is a US citizen. there was a Supreme Court case ont his I seem to recall, but it was an old one...edited to say I hope someone has the correct info as I am not sure

Rashmi: I just re-read the posts: I have no clue about hospitals in India, and there might be private hospitals, etc. but there is NO WAY I'd give birth in a hospital in my home-country even with my dad being a pretty-well known doctor there and having a lot of say...people who can afford it there go give birth in Italy or Greece or US.

e.--it's never legal advice :)

[californiagirl]

Since your DH is a citizen, there would be no problem with the baby's citizenship (as long as it's dealt with before the baby turns 18). You might have to get all the paperwork processed before you could come back, though.

I think having the baby in India sounds like a great idea, but I wouldn't be willing to do a scheduled C-section for it. I just can't bring myself to volunteer for surgery...

[papal]

Yes, James says he will feel left out.. but he said if it is easier for me there, then that is what I should do.

Alexis, the baby will be a citizen automatically, but there will be the problem of getting a passport and such...

I just called my insurance, they will cover it 100%. wahoo!!

Will you come join me?!! That would be so cool!!!

[nitaghei]

I wouldn't. I seriously considered it for Neel, and decided there was no way. Of course, it turned out we had complications, and Neel needed to be in NICU, so I was profoundly grateful that I was here.

First, your chances of a scheduled C-section are a lot higher.
Actually, chances of a c-section are a lot higher, period. The OB will NOT listen to you or explain anything to you. It will be a major fight if you want to do anything differently from what the doc says you should. Remember that the vast majority of Indian docs consider themselves demi-gods, and will not allow the patient to participate in their own care. NOT good, IMO. And honestly, I'm 100% sure I would have had a c-section if I'd been in India - which is something I desparately wanted to avoid.

Second, there will be some paperwork to file. There are differences depending on which parent is a the US citizen, and it's more complicated when it's mom. Not worth it, at least for me.

Insurance will be more of a hassle. I think you'll have to pay out of pocket and get reimbursed later, which is always more work. Do you really want to spend months dealing with insurance paperwork - with a newborn and a toddler?

Continuity of care for the little one. It mattered a lot to me that Neel's ped saw him right after he was born, and picked up signs of increasingly severe jaundice. She's seen him from birth. I'm not sure how good it is to have one ped for the first few months, and the switch. May not be an issue for you.

Also, I'd be worried about having the BF'g relationship sabotaged - all with the best of intentions and with love. Given the past history with Leela, if you want to nurse the second one longer. Though, this might not be an issue, since you'll only be there for the first few months.

I would be extremely nervous about flying with a very little one, who hasn't been vaccinated - especially for such a long flight. Planes are just giant petri dishes for virii and bacteria. Or so I think.

And, most importantly, James. Don't know how you feel - but I feel like a heel about separating Neel and DH for the coming year. DH is already heart-broken about it. And this is when we'll be visiting regularly. He would have been devastated if he couldn't have been with his new-born for several months. And DH is so not a touchy-feely person.

As for groceries - just use Peapod, and have them delivered. :)

I really hope you don't take this the wrong way, but this is something I spend a lot of time thinking about. :)

Nita (fleece is my friend)
mom to Neel, January 2003
dog mom to a PWD and a cocker (at the Rainbow Bridge)

[pritchettzoo]

Won't he miss being around the baby, his wife, and his Leela after his two weeks are up? I think you'll miss him. Leela definitely would. The changes with a new baby combined with being in a new place and not being around her daddy...

And having been through a c/s, I would not recommend one of those to anyone unless it was medically necessary.

I can't imagine being in your shoes. I love having my mom near me. I can't imagine being so far away. Do you think the hormones are making you more homesick? :(

Anna
Mama to Gracie (Sept '03)
and a BOY! (coming July '05)

[miki]

A citizen at birth includes: a person born outside of the United States and its outlying possessions of parents one of whom is a citizen of the United States who has been physically present in the United States or one of its outlying possessions for a continuous period of one year prior to the birth of such person, and the other of whom is a national, but not a citizen of the United States. (This from the INS website with a link to citizenship statutes)

[ribbit1019]

Hmmm. I would say, whatever you were most comfortable with.
I guess you should ask yourself would you regret staying here? Since you have past experience with having Leela here you have that to go on. Was it really hard having her here? (Running around for mom, having mom cook, clean etc.) How much better/easier would your experience be if you had a C-Section?
If it were me I would just stay here, but I do understand the ease and need of wanting to be near family. I wanted a home birth, silly insurance wouldn't cover it.

Christy
Maddy aka "Diggle"

Maddy says "Uh-oh and OOOoooOOO!"

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http://www.gynosaur.com/assets/ribbons/ribbon_gold_12m.gif

[papal]

One other thing that dh pointed out, the baby will not be able to run for President if it is not born in the US. So hopefully the baby won't have political aspirations.

[papal]

Yes girlie.. James will miss us a lot and when I asked my Dad just now, the FIRST thing he said was "You will start asking for James after one month!!!".

I don't HAVE to have a C-section.. it was just a thought so I can be sure that James is there for the birth.

I really am missing home... it was pretty hard, even with my mom here, when Leela was born. I just imagine it being twice as hard... i want to be pampered and taken care of this time around.

Godddd.... i don't know what to do!

[babymama]

Would you have to leave a couple of months before baby is born? I seem to recall reading that airlines won't let you fly after some point in your pregnancy. So how long would you be gone in total? 4 months? I'm such a wimp...I wouldn't want to be apart from my husband for that long.

Aside from that, it sounds really ideal. It seems like you would really be taken care of...which sounds dreamy.

How soon do you have to decide? Maybe it's something you can sleep on for a while.

Lydia
Mama to Santiago, born 11/16/03 and
One on the way, due 01/03/06

[papal]

I can never understand INS speak. Does this mean the new baby will be a citizen??? Will James have to travel only AFTER the baby is born so as to meet the "physically present in the United States or one of its outlying possessions for a continuous period of one year prior to the birth of such person". help!

[papal]

i will have to do more investigating about this citizenship thing...

.. about the hospitals.. they have great private hospitals.. there was this piece on CBS 60 minutes the other day too...
http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2005/04/21/60minutes/main689998_page2.shtml

[papal]

You are right Lydia.. i would have to go 2 months before the birth, so around Thanksgiving.. so yes, i will be away for at least 4 months. I don't have to decide right now... definitely something to sleep over.

[papal]

I would never take anything you have to say the wrong way NITA! I really appreciate your perspective!
You have raised all very good points... i really have to think about it some more... i wish things were easier, or india was not so far away!! :(

[aliceinwonderland]

oh, good to know about the hospital piece...

Even if not automatic, it basically involves a small form, if I remember correctly, so that would not be much of a problem at all, I don't think.

e.

[psophia17]

The INS is horrible...although I believe they are the BCIS now...don't know what that stands for.

Since your DH is a citizen, your new baby is entitled to US citizenship, however be warned that it will probably take a lot of time for the paperwork to process. That's what we're running into with DS in Canada - his father is a Canadian citizen by birth, and we're still waiting 9-12 months before we get the letter saying that yes, DS's father is Canadian, therefore DS is Canadian, too. The US is the same way, I believe, but it takes longer.

I still say go for it :)

[psophia17]

If it works out, here's hoping that the bambino decides he or she wants to be born vaginally the day before the C is scheduled :)

[Sarah1]

I just think you should give it a lot of thought. I'm mainly thinking about Leela. Having a baby bro/sis is going to be a huge adjustment for her, and the change in the environment will be tough on her. Regardless of how many people are around to help you, Leela is going to want her mommy and daddy and HOME.

[psophia17]

This is a very good point, and brings to mind another one - will you be able to post on the BBB as often as everyone here has come to expect? If your internet connection in India is up to par, then I guess it'd be okay, but all those massages might keep you too busy...You really should think of us first :P

(tongue firmly in cheek - I couldn't help myself)

[octmom]

You've probably had enough replies on this to get you thinking about all of the concerns, buut I'll just add my two cents. While I think it sounds absolutely wonderful to have all of that help in India and to be in a place where you feel at home, surrounded by your parents and other family members, if it were me, I would not be able to do it without having my DH with me the whole time. The birth and first days afterward are incredibly special, but newborns change so quickly in the first weeks and months and James would miss most of that. Since he is married to such a wonderful woman, I picture James being a very hands-on, loving father to Leela. As much as he wants to make you happy, if I were in your shoes, I would worry that I was denying him the joy of being with his newborn in order to make myself more comfortable.

It is hard to put myself in your shoes because I have never lived outside my native country, but if I were you, I would ask my mom to come for an extended stay beginning near the end of the pregnancy. I would start saving up now for a post-partum doula to help in those early days. I know its not the same as the extensive support you would get in India, but it's something. And I would look into grocery delivery services and other conveniences as a PP suggested.

Whatever you decide to do, you'd better have an internet connection so that you can keep us posted on your progress and your new baby! :)

Jerilyn
DS, Sean 10/03

"Baby makes days shorter, nights longer, home happier, and love stronger."

[anamika]

pak
hi rashmi
congrats!
since you ask -
i second nita's advice. my info is outdated and things may have changed but i would check to see if the hubby is allowed to be present at the birth. my cousin's husband wanted to be present and the doctor absolutely refused - so they had a huge argument right outside the labor room.
also as nita says you won't be in control as much as you are here. my dh had to go for some tests when we were there last time and he was stunned when the dr just did a very invasive exam without even informing him of what he was doing!!
that said if you do decide to go ahead, please double check everything that you feel is important to you - don't just assume that things will be the same as here.
though if my mom were alive, i would probably find it a tough call too. my sister had all the massages and pampering and god, how i envy her! and leela would have a blast!
good luck with everything,

[papal]

You are right Sarah... even before this idea of giving birth in india, i was planning to go to india with leela for 2 months (sept-nov).. so she would have some adjusting to do at that time too.. i have not been to india for 2 years now, my grandma is 94 and not keeping the best of health so i really have to go before the baby is born (unless it is born there!).
Leela is going to miss her Daddy terribly.. and vice versa... what is a mama to do!

[papal]

hi usha.. sorry about your mom girlie. :(
I completely hear you and Nita about the doctors.. my Dad knows EXACTLY what kind of patient i am (asking questions and doubts all the time), so I am pretty confident he can find at least one doctor that won't mind a pestering america-returned patient.. i hope so at least. One of my very close friends had her baby in Hyderabad... her OB-GYN was very anti-Csection.. after 24 hours of labouring my friend was begging for a c-section but the doctor told her she could do it.. and stuck with her for another 24 hours and the baby was born vaginally... i know it won't be exactly the same as here.. but i am holding out hope for some progressive doctors. oh, and her dh and mom were allowed in the delivery room, as was her dad.. who kind of passed out so was removed.

[papal]

Jerilyn, that was our original plan.. i was going to go with Leela to India in Sept and return in November with my mom who would stay till March. That is almost 5 months for my mom.. as much as she loves me and Leela and James.. i feel bad asking her to stay so long.. especially in the winter months..
... i have asked james to think about everything and tell me what he thinks.. he is a sweetheart of a man and says the main thing is the baby should be healthy and mama should be healthy and if I can get some rest and relaxation post partum, that is the most important thing.. i know he will miss us terribly.. and i am being a little selfish thinking about ME ME ME only.. but i am so scared that I will be overwhelmed when #2 arrives.

So much to think about.. thanks for your opinion.. i am printing this thread out and giving it to james for reading material...

[dowlinal]

Can you imagine that conversation? Honey, remember that friend of mine from the board who was nice enough to send me that yogurt starter? Well I'm going to take Madeline and go to India with her to have the baby - LOL

[papal]

muhahahahahahahahaha. Can you ask your dh casually this evening and report back what his reaction was??

[Moneypenny]

Rashmi,
I certainly think it is do-able. My main concern would be about Leela and her dad's relationship. A relative of mine (my SIL's brother - don't know what that makes him to me) left his 2-year old for 4 1/2 months to go to Iraq. When he returned, even though he had emailed photos and been able to talk via phone weekly to his DD, she didn't feel very comfortable around him and it took a full month before he felt their relationship was back to normal. He was (and still is) a very hands-on dad, so this hurt him deeply to have to get to know his DD again and make her feel comfortable. Now that he's been home several months, his daughter seems to have forgotten he was ever gone, so I certainly don't think that the brief separation caused her any kind of permanent harm, but *he* has said he doesn't think he'll ever forget what it was like to have his baby girl think of him as a stranger.

I hope this doesn't sound too negative, because I certainly think it would be a wonderful opportunity for you, Leela, and new baby, but just wanted to let you know that your DH may have some hard feelings to deal with.
Susan
DD - Avery, born 8/5/04

[lmariana]

I think it's a FABULOUS idea! I would LOVE to give birth in my home country, but my family is just way too intrusive for it to be a relaxing experience. :)

I highly support your idea, and I would be so proud of you!

I think a person's family heritage is extremely important, and it would be an honor for your family, yourself, and for your new baby. I'm the only one of my siblings born in Puerto Rico, and I'm kinda proud of that. :) Much more interesting than my sister born in GA and my brother in FL.

I say go for it!

Mariana
Owner of HappyDayBaby
Mom to Gabe, 8/03
www.heinzandmariana.com

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[mamicka]

I second some of the concerns that have already been mentioned, particularly about your DH & Nita's post was right-on. *But*, I think only you & your DH can know best in this situation.

I just wanted to encourage you with regard to handling 2 kids. DS #1 just turned 2 & DS #2 is about 8 weeks (I think?) &, while it *is* more difficult, I'm handling it just fine (so says the woman who hasn't showered in 4 days). So don't scare yourself so much thinking of how difficult it will be. I have no family around either (although they are in the same country) & I am the most unorganized person I know. If I can handle it, then *you*, who are one of the most organized people I know, can surely handle it too. Keep your chin up!

No matter what you decide, I don't doubt that it will be the best decision for you all. Good luck!

ETA: Oh - & a great big CONGRATULATIONS!!!! So happy for you!

Allison
DS #1 6/03
DS #2 4/05

[Sarah1]

OH Rashmi, it's a hard decision!!!! And it's hard because these kids of ours are such creatures of routine. they love their familiar environments. but i can totally see why you want to do this. It would be incredible, albeit a little stressful. Just sit on it for a while....

[anamika]

Hi Rashmi. Thanks for the sympathy. It still hurts after 4 years.
You seem have to thought it out quite well (considering you're pregnant with a toddler). It's great that your dad who knows you so well can recommend an OB to you. My OB was recommended by my PI and can I just say I love her!! I hated my earlier one.
I'm glad to hear they allow dads in the labor room now.
Actually, can I change my vote? Just go for it. Life is too short to live with regrets, ykwim. How I wish and wish I had had my baby earlier when my mom was begging me to.
But please do your homework and make sure you get the birth you want.
Good luck again,
Keep us posted.

[anamika]

Hi Rashmi. Thanks for the sympathy. It still hurts after 4 years.
You seem have to thought it out quite well (considering you're pregnant with a toddler). It's great that your dad who knows you so well can recommend an OB to you. My OB was recommended by my PI and can I just say I love her!! I hated my earlier one.
I'm glad to hear they allow dads in the labor room now.
Actually, can I change my vote? Just go for it. Life is too short to live with regrets, ykwim. How I wish and wish I had had my baby earlier when my mom was begging me to.
But please do your homework and make sure you get the birth you want.
Good luck again,
Keep us posted.

[toomanystrollers]

STAY HOME :P

[papal]

My parents have high speed cable.. heeheeeeee... so i will be here, though when i am here, you all will be sleeping!!

[Globetrotter]

WOW, congratulations Rashmi!!!! What exciting news!

I will send you a reply to this when I get a chance.

Kris

[mamahill]

Holy freakin cow - did I not log on yesterday? How did I miss THIS announcement? I am SO happy and excited for you - CONGRATULATIONS!!

Honestly, I think you should stay here. The pampering and all seems really nice, but it's a poor substitute for early family bonding, which DH will miss out on. Also, I think we underestimate these little kids turning into siblings. Although it has been quite easy to introduce a new person into her life, I have tried to keep as much of our other activities as normal as possible (which included taking 9-day-old Donovan to preschool in a sling, but I digress).

Also, after giving birth to Ainsleigh, I felt like I'd been hit by a truck. It took me several MONTHS before I felt normal again. Everything was new and strange and scary and overwhelming. I'm not saying it isn't overwhelming this time around, but it has been a LOT easier. Exhibit A: 6 days postpartum we had Ainsleigh's birthday party complete with 15-person family dinner and 20-other-people party. Exhibit B: The changes in my body (ie breasts) were expected, and not frightening.

Of course, the hormones are worse this time around :( but I'm slowly getting on top of those. And, actually, when I have had to go to the store, I've either made it a point to go first thing in the morning before DH leaves (7am at Albertsons, baby!), or in the evening. That way I get out of the house (yay!) without the kids (quiet!).

Mostly, though, DH really stepped up to the plate this time around and it has been soooo nice. He's there to take care of Donovan when I'm with Ainsleigh, and vice versa. He has made a point of taking BOTH kids to the park on weekends to give me quiet/nap time.

I think wanting to go to India is completely normal, and I know having your mom here is so important. But LET her do all the work. She's a grandma, for heaven's sake. She can't lactate, but she can cook and clean! And make sure James knows how you'd like him to contribute. I think it has been very empowering for Joel, this time around. He KNOWS how to take care of a baby. As a birth partner and a parent, he has been fantastic this time around.

Best wishes, lady. Can't wait to meet the newest little piggie!

[kensjen]

I think you should do it!! Really, don't even think about it anymore, just do it! You will love being surrounded by family and having everyone help you and take part in your special time. That is really priceless.

I'm sure your family would love the idea, and you would love the feeling of "home" at such a special time. It sounds like such a great option all around. What a wonderful experience that would be, and what great stories you will have to tell your child someday. And you will make your mom's year!

Heck, I've even thought about going home to have a baby, although home is only Ohio, not another country. But I really believe women need to be surrounded by other women during birth and afterwards, and even better if that is family. Do it mama! (Can I come too? It will probably be the same week!)

ETA: I just read some of your other posts in this thread, and the one worry I would have is the c-section. I don't think I would want to volunteer for that, yk? Of course it would make it easier for James to be there, and that is important, but that would make your recovery even harder. So, maybe think about it some more...and talk to James about it lots and lots. You still have time to decide. :)

[asha]

First of all, Congrats to all three of you. FOr some reason when I saw your pictures from the retreat, I had a feeling that you might be pregnant. But then, I have never seen you before, so I could not be confident abt that. Once again Congrats!!!

Coming to this question, I think it might not be a great idea.

I had the same thought when DS was born. I decided not to given my situation. Neither of us are citizens. We know we want to go back to India soon, however we will do that only after we have US citizenship.
Even though it is different in your case, dealing with INS is a huge PITA. Wish we did not have to do it. To be honest, that is something you guys should think abt seriously. Are you sure you want to do that, when you have two kids at home? Just the amount of paperwork and the hassle of running around can be tiring.

Medical technology is not a big issue for me personally. I think hospitals, nursing homes in India are very good and you have fast access to doctors. All the more since your dad is one himself.

However I have to agree with all the PPs about dad-baby bonding. People in India are really very intrusive. I can imagine that all the old ladies in my family would come over (uninvited) to help out with the baby with their expertise. Of course, I would not agree with one thing they suggested and start questioning and reasoning, so it would be a battle everyday. In the middle of all this DH might feel lost. Not sure how your family is, but this is how mine would be.

Since you will be going a couple of months in advance, Leela will have enough time to adjust to everyone there. But then again, she might really need her dad to be around when you are spending more time with the newborn. This might be tough on her. My brother is 4 years younger to me. Some old lady in the family made a remark the day he was born that my mom would only love him and not me. I still have it very distinctly etched in my mind, even though I am all grown up and know that it was some stupid (uncalled for) remark. So, kids really need that emotional assurance that they are really important even though there is another one. At least if DH is there with her behaving like he did before, she might feel better.

All this said, I really agree with you on the parents issue. I know how guilty we all feel to see our parents (moms) work so hard when they are here. Heck, I am still going through it now. My mom is here for a couple of months, only because she wanted to spend some time with DS (her first grandchild). I feel sooo guilty that she is alone at home. I think your DH can help a little with cleaning the dishes and laundry etc. For a few months you can hire a maid to clean the house, get groceries delivered etc. I live in the SF bay area. Here we have Indian ladies that will come to your place and cook meals for you once a week for about 75 - 100$. I am sure you can work it out somehow.

I was just typing as I was thinking, so please excuse me if it is too long and much more than you asked for.

Interestingly, I started this post saying WOW, Go for it. Then as I typed I realized that I really dont think so. SO, I went back and changed it.

I think the intial few months together will be a very important time for the four of you to bond as a family. I think this can happen only at your home, here.

Actually I think you can stay here for the birth, may be a few months after that, get the first set of shots and go back to India with your mom. By then I think DH will be fine, Leela will have settled down comfortably with the new baby and the baby will be a little older, so you will all be comfortable. Just my idea, think about it. I am sure at the end of all this you know whats best for you and your family.

[calebsmama03]

Rashmi -
I think they bottom line with any birth is that you need to do what feels right and best for YOU. If that is India, then go for it. FWIW, I think homebirth is AMZING and am so glad I did it! I'll get to posting the birth story soon here but suffice to say I'm ALREADY thinking about #3!!! My ME, I would say the homebirth is the way to go because that was my ideal birth place but if India feels right for YOU, then go for it! :)
Lynne
Mommy to Caleb 3/3/03
http://www.gynosaur.com/assets/ribbons/ribbon_emerald_18m.gif[/img][/url]
And Miss Purple, Sophia Grace 5/18/05

[AvasMama]

OK, I am coming late to this, and hopefully we will have a chance to talk more about it, but my initial thought is this...

IF part of why you are considering this is that you are feeling overwhelmed about the demands of a new baby, then I would say give it a few weeks and see if your fears subside at all. You don't want to make a huge decision out of fear and anxiety, you know?

I gotta say, it sounds like a pretty ideal set-up! I am jealous! My other big concern, which lots of people posted, is that James would miss so much of the new baby's first months. Remembering back to Ava's first months home, it was so wonderful for the three of us to bond as a new family in those early days, and I imagine bringing a new baby into an already established family is much the same.

I know whatever choice you make will be the right one!

Robyn & Ava

[JBaxter]

First of all congrats! I have seen Leela pictures on some of your posts and she is a real doll. Like some of the others I started out thinking wow buy the ticket now but after thinking about it I would probably stay home. Having the care of your mother is wonderful but being away from your DH for that long may be harder than you think. Not to mention Leela being away from her home and getting a new sibling. It will be adjustment. But all that being said you must do what feels right to you. You may want to check on what it would take to get the new baby a passport. My SIL is Japanese and ended up having my brothers former commander make some calls to help get their mess straight. ( Brother was in Iraq at the time and could help). Good luck in what ever you choose!
Jeana

Jeana mom to...Logan 13 Connor 10 and Nathan who is
http://lilypie.com/baby2/031115/0/5/1/+10/.png[/img][/url]

[marinkitty]

Although my initial reaction was "How cool! She should go!" having thought about it a bit, I probably would not do it. I actually think your original plan of going with Leela while pregnant but then coming back in time to have baby here is a great one. That way, you get some pampering and extra help while you are an exhausted pregnant lady with a toddler, Leela gets to know her relatives, but you are back here with James by the time baby comes. I think it could be really hard on Leela not to have Daddy around as she adjusts to little brother or sister, and I know that after having Jack even though my mom was here for a week beforehand and two plus weeks afterward, I really just needed Bryan around, you know? For that middle of the night breastfeeding support or whatever, mom or a hired hand would just not have cut it for me - I needed my partner.

Plus, the c-section thing is something I would not do unless medically necessary - but that is just me. The idea of recovering from major surgery, dealing with pp hormones, engorged breasts, sleep deprivation - I just wouldn't throw surgery into that mix if I could avoid it.

And I totally agree with Sarah that this time around has been sooo much easier. Yes, managing two and a house and a marriage is challenging, but you will be more confident, your bodily changes aren't new, your life isn't changing like it did with your first child etc. etc.

Good luck figuring things out - I know you will do what is right for you, and whatever that is, regardless of what any of US would do, we aren't you and can't know what is best for your family!

Holly
Mom to Mia (3.17.03) and baby brother Jack (3.23.05)

[pixelprincess]

Rashmi, tough one. My first instinct is no way!! There are so many top-notch docs in Bombay but I would never feel comfortable with them. I would need to have a history with a Dr...either here or there. Butttt...I am a control freak, :-) I absolutely love my ob and drive an hour each way to see her (did when I was pg too) and can't imagine anyone else delivering my baby.

You might feel strongly otherwise since your dad is a Dr. in India and has the right connections. My dad has had several private hospital stays with excellent care. He knows people in the right places so it does matter who you know. Also, they do err on the side of caution where he ended up in the ICU after being admitted recently for high BP. The only thing you can't control are electricity outages and when those happen you have to hope that generators kick in.

I know nothing about citizenship issues. Though, can't imagine them not letting in an infant. Rowan's passport was barely checked. FWIW, I was able to get reimbursed for Dr. visits from India from my insurance without a problem. This was several years back and it may be different now. Flying back with an infant is gonna be awful! Rowan and I were sick for the longest time ever after we got back. I do think it had something to do with the airline too.

Yikes, a scheduled C. I had one of those...it happened before schedule and it took me forever to feel better. They do dispense drugs freely in India so a Vicodin substitute shouldn't be a problem. LOL. Is James on board with the idea? Follow your heart, Rashmi and I think you'll know if it is right for you.

best wishes,

[pixelprincess]

> I live in the SF bay area. Here we
>have Indian ladies that will come to your place and cook meals
>for you once a week for about 75 - 100$.

how does one find someone to do this? i am in the east bay and want to eat some fresh rotis that I am too lazy to make.

thanks.

[papal]

how does one move to the bay area.. i want someone to make fresh hot rotis for me too!!!!! you lucky people!

[MartiesMom2B]

Rashmi:

I keep re-reading this post. Honestly I don't know what I'd do. My only advice is to keep researching this and keep talking to James and keep thinking about it.

-Sonia
Mommy to my Strawberry Shortcake lovin' Martie

[asha]

I have a couple of friends that used these services. The lady would come in on weekends and make enough food for the whole week. These friends have now moved out though. Lemme see if I can get in touch with them and dig some info.

[asha]

Well Rashmi, most people just take a flight and get movers for the rest of the stuff. You keep saying you dont like to accumulate things, so moving should not be too bad.
Just ask James to get a job here, rest will be taken care of :-)

So, when are you gonna come?

[Zana]

First, Congratulations!!! Sorry if this is a little late, but here are my 2 cents.

Cons:

1. Traveling to India with a toddler (not sure if DH will be with you but I did it with a 11mth old and it was exhausting - I'm pretty sure I couldnt do it while 7-8mths pregnant)
2. Traveling back with 2 (again not sure if DH or your mom will be with you - but I strongly reccomend someone be with you)
3. Delivery rooms in India are not the most 'mom-friendly'. I'm sure your dad will get you the best medical care (and good docs in India are comparable to those anywhere in world) but its really important to make sure they will respect your needs - DH in delivery room, keep baby with you after delivery etc.
4. I dont know how long its been since you were last in India, but IMO its really easy to get used to the independent lifestyle that you have here. As a PP mentioned you can quite possibly have tons of well-meaning family, friends etc turn up at home to see the new baby, give advice and generally be a nuisance when all you want is to be left alone. Also something I was personally so glad to be away from since DS was born here- is all the superstitions involved. If your parents can deal with all this the way you want it, thats great otherwise there is a lot of stuff that you might just have to put up with in silence. (ETA: ignore this if your family is totally not like this!)
5. I would definitely find out about the US passport. You cant travel back here without it (if I remember right even newborns need passports to travel) and I am guessing you would have to get it issued at the US consulate in India (Chennai, if you live in Hyderabad). Their rules change constantly, I would ask your family to find out about it well in advance - take it from a person who waited in line three days outside the embassy for her student visa!!
6. Finally, as PPs mentioned, DH will miss out on a lot. He will miss Leela, he will miss the baby and he will miss you!!

Pros:

1. Being home ...yay!!!! Cant beat that!
2. The absolute pampering that you get. This is exactly what happened to my sister: the baby was brought to her for feeding and cuddling, until either baby fell asleep or needed a change, at which time he was efficiently whisked away while mom relaxed/napped. Also she (and the baby) got daily massages, went for walks in the park and in generally had a wonderfully relaxing time doing nothing!
3. I may be in the minority here but I really think Leela will be fine. You are going well enough in advance and from my own (and others) personal experience, I find that kids love the constant attention they get from the family, the gazillion cousins they have to play with and the doting grandparents. DS (despite being in the throes of serious seperation anxiety) stayed with my parents for a week, while DH and I had to visit innumerable family elders.
To me the problem might be when you get back and have a toddler who misses all the constant attention!

Sorry if that wasnt a clear cut answer...I would be just as torn if it was for myself ...but I hope it helps with your decision.

Zana

PS: You could move to Houston too - you can sign up for daily 'tiffins' packed with food here :9

[papal]

I would be there in a heartbeat if i could... i crave hot rotis. james works for the govt. his office has no other branches. we are stuck here. :(

[jamsmu]

Congrats!! So excited for you :) YAY!!!!!

[mysweetboy]

Rashmi, I don't have time to read through all of the replies but if this is what you really want, do it. You have quite a long list of reasons why...maybe you should also list all of the reasons why you shouldn't. If pros outweigh cons, go for it! I think that it would be a wonderful experience for you. :)

Lori
mommy to Charlie, 5/04
and a sweet baby girl due 10/05!

[american_mama]

Rashmi:

You've had a million replies already, but Annelise was born overseas in Belgium and we moved back to the US when she was 6 weeks old, so if I can help you at all with info. about birth certificates or passports, let me know. DH and I are both US citizens.

In quick summary: US citizens born abroad have a Consular Certificate of Birth Abroad instead of a birth certificate, passports must be applied for in person at a US embassy with a NOTARIZED letter from the absent parent if both parents cannot be there in person, the child MUST also go to the embassy, emergency passports can sometimes be done with a few days turnaround but are only good for a year, regular passports take a few weeks.

Traveling with a newborn was easy.

Can you accomplish a similar feeling of help without the trip to INdia if you hire people in the US like a post partum doula or a regular housekeeper for a few weeks?

[Globetrotter]

Rashmi,

I can understand the temptation!! It would be great for your mom and could be easier for you, too. I think it depends on various factors, though.

Even with the best of medical care, you can't change the attitudes towards pregnant moms, in a society where doctors are gods. Be prepared to have your wishes challenged and to fight to do things your way. From what I know of you from your posts, you're the assertive type, so this may be a conflict. You also have to deal with all the relatives and their advice. Maybe your extended family isn't like that, in which case this isn't an issue.

I would also be concerned if there is a complication after birth, maybe with the baby. How would you get the baby here safely? It's VERY unlikely, but these are the sorts of things that would prevent me from going. You wouldn't want to get stuck there for a long time.

I know it was only an idea at this point, but the idea of a scheduled c/s would outweigh any of the pampering benefits, IMO, since you'll be recovering from surgery and be in pain. The chance of a c/s is higher in India, for various reasons :( I can understand that you would want James to be there for sure, and that's a tough one. I think Leela would adjust okay if you go early enough, and she would love all the attention from family. There's nothing like it! She might miss James a lot, though, especially at this time. That's hard to predict and a lot depends on the child.

I'm sorry that this sounds terribly negative, but I'm the devil's advocate type when I make important decisions. A couple of my friends have been in this situation and said they wouldn't do it. Take in all the facts and make a list of pros and cons, and go from there!!!

good luck,
Kris

[Momof3Labs]

I haven't had time to read all the posts yet, but here are my thoughts.

1. How early would you go over? Your local OB and the airlines won't let you travel after a certain time (36 weeks??).

2. How long will you stay afterwards?

3. Will you tolerate living with your parents again for that long? Will DH?

4. Will you have adequate medical care should something go wrong with you?

5. Will you have adequate NICU care should something go wrong with the baby? I had a friend who had twins in the NICU in Sweden when she gave birth prematurely, and getting them back to the U.S. was a HUGE logistical feat (and involved a month-long stayover in Canada when they developed problems on the way back).

6. What if you deliver early (will it disappoint you to be here instead of there)?

7. Can DH stay with you the whole time you are there (would his work give him enough time off)?

I'm absolutely not saying that it is a bad idea, just throwing out some questions that I would want to answer before putting together any birth plan!

[american_mama]

If you need to schedule the birth, then a scheduled induction might be better than a scheduled C section.

[american_mama]

If you need to schedule the birth, then a scheduled induction might be better than a scheduled C section.

[amp]

>A relative of mine
>(my SIL's brother - don't know what that makes him to me) left
>his 2-year old for 4 1/2 months to go to Iraq. When he
>returned, even though he had emailed photos and been able to
>talk via phone weekly to his DD, she didn't feel very
>comfortable around him and it took a full month before he felt
>their relationship was back to normal. He was (and still is)
>a very hands-on dad, so this hurt him deeply to have to get to
>know his DD again and make her feel comfortable. Now that
>he's been home several months, his daughter seems to have
>forgotten he was ever gone, so I certainly don't think that
>the brief separation caused her any kind of permanent harm,
>but *he* has said he doesn't think he'll ever forget what it
>was like to have his baby girl think of him as a stranger.

Our neighbors had this exact same experience (even down to the dad being in Iraq), but it took a bit longer than a month for her to readjust. I think he was gone longer than your relative. She's forgotten it mostly now, but it was a huge adjustment and quite painful for the parents to watch.

[NEVE and TRISTAN]

I say go with your gut on what you are feeling you want...you will not disappointed. I am thrilled that Bronwyn came at home...wish 911 didn't hog my hubby on the phone but outside of that it just worked and was great!

I can of course make you my "special" greek salad which I am convinced put me into labor...:)

Hugs to you and keep us posted...

Neve
Reichen (6), Karsh (3), Tristan (2) and baby girl Bronwyn born March 10th!!!!

[papal]

What a wonderful supportive community we have.. you all have given me SO much food for thought!
I am printing this out, making a huge PRO's and CON's list and then going with my gut. The hardest thing is for Leela and James to be apart from each other for so long... i know they can rebound and get back into the swing of things.. Leela will certainly not lack for attention in India.. but poor James will be all by himself here... it would hurt him so much if Leela forgot who he was!!
But as a woman and a mom, as you all know, we think about EVERYONE else first.. put our dhs first, our kids first, our parents first, our friends first... their feelings and their emotions. At a time as big as the birth of a child, I think the mom needs to focus on herself and what is best for her (this is the tape running through my head)... maybe it is a cultural thing?? I do find after coming to the US that I put a lot more pressure on myself to do EVERYTHING.. of course, most of the time i don't have a choice since we don't have help... anyway, totally rambling.
I appreciate ALL your input and thoughts and well wishes. Thank you friends.

[aliceinwonderland]

For what it's worth, in my culture, the new mom moves in with HER mother for 40 days after the birth, at least this used to be the case for hundreds of years. So the daddy-bonding argument does not impress me where *I'm* standing. (flame away)


There's no perfect solution, but only you can decide which compromise to make. My choices are definately not what most people would make, hence *mine*.

Good luck girlie :) I hope the new baby has Leela's eyes :):)

e.

[american_mama]

"One other thing that dh pointed out, the baby will not be able to run for President if it is not born in the US. So hopefully the baby won't have political aspirations."

I thought about this too when DD was born overseas! I read a book for Americans moving to Belgium (like there are so many) and it said children born overseas MIGHT (or might not) be considered "naturally born citizens" and be eligible for President. I suppose the Supreme Court would have to rule on it to be definite. Anyway, my admittedly weak source on this says it's a debateable point.

[Marisa6826]

Hey Girlie-

Just a few random thoughts.

What if you were to still go early on to see your Grandmother with Leela. You and your Mom could still come back in time to deliver in the States. But then what if you were to have one of her retinue come here? I'm thinking that you'd be paying airfare for James either way, right?

I know your space isn't too big, but maybe you could get a deal on the little apartment in your complex.

After seeing how hard my disappearance was on Jonathan after Mia, I don't think I'd want to see anybody go through that again. He really was lost without me. Strange, huh?

My other concern is that Leela is going to have a LOT of transition in a reasonably short period of time. It took Sophie a good long while to re-adjust to having two parents and a new baby in her house - and I wasn't even gone that long! Not to mention then trying to get TWO kiddos plus yourself back to the US time zone once you return.

I'd just think long and hard.

hugs

-m

[candybomiller]

I missed the original announcement, but huge congratulations to you!!

[muskiesusan]

I have been thinking about this since you posted and I think other posters have raised any concerns that I might have. I really thought it sounded like a great idea until I realized your DH couldn't be with Leela the whole time and you would have to schedule a c/s. I know you would have help, but I found it very hard to care for Nick like he wanted to be after I had my c/s with Alex. Also, having had to c/s, I wouldn't recommend one to anyone!


Susan
Mom to Nick 10/01
& Alex 04/04

[nov02mom]

Rashmi- all of the reason do sound nice, but you know I'm a political junkie when I say.....I wouldn't have a baby out of the country because she can't be president of the US when she grows up if you do!!! LOL Can you tell what I want Jacob to be already????