Need help explaining our parenting philosophy to grangparents

[aim]

Okay to the subject doesn't really say exactly what I am looking for advise on so here goes...

MIL gave DS (17 mos) a set of First Reader books (yeah, way too early I know, as does she but, she did it anyway). The books are simplified fairy tales. I am already not sure how I feel about traditional fairy tales and their role in DS's upbringing, but I picked up Cinderella and in this version the only bad thing about the step sisters is that they are UGLY. Not mean, inconsiderate, selfish or anything else that might redeem that part of the story - just ugly.

This gets me thinking that DH and I are going to have to talk to our parents about why we find these stories (or the myriad of Disney movies that my mom has collected over the years) problematic. DH and I are confortable articulating the reasons, however, we are going to be met with resistance. "You read/saw these stories and you turned out fine", "Your kids will be exposed to them at others houses" - you get the idea. I understand that this is true and that we will have to use the meny "opportunities" that we are given to talk to/teach DS about gender roles, race, etc. We will read the paper bag princess side by side with cinderella if we have to do them both; however, how can I try to get the grandparents on the same page? (Sending them back to college is not in our budget!)

Do any of you know of good stricles that I can print out/ copy for them (I live in a university town to I can get pretty much anything) I know that I have been exposed to many paradigm shifting essays in my life but mommy brain is failing me. I just want to be able to try to give them something to think about without having to engage DH and I in a a debate. We don't want to make them feel bad, just to help them understand where we are coming from. We have already had a few big arguments over parenting decisions and they have not always gone the way we would have hoped. (For example: before DS was born - "The child is going to have the mother's last name! How will that child know who his father is? Other kids will tease the child".... blah, blah, blah....the arguments from MIL went on for weeks. I still think that she thinks that we have performed a serious psychological disservice to our DS. but that is another story.... the point is do any of you have any advise on how to re-educate grandparents?

If you got this far thanks, sometimes I think that you ladies are more in line with my parenting than most of my in person friends. I really value your opinions

Amy
DS Bennett 1-14-04

[C99]

Read Jim Trelease's The Read Aloud Handbook. He has lots of good information about reading aloud to your kids and good books to try, and what he says about fairy tales might surprise you.

[ColorBlue]

Honestly I wouldn't even try. I would just put the stuff away or donate it or whatever. I've seen some friends try to go the "re-educating" route and it just ends in hurt feelings. They either think you are condescending to them or are being snobby. Or you could just redirect them to other type toys/entertainment entirely. Like DS is really into trains right now, could you get him books about that...or we really need art supplies.

My policy with disagreements (over child rearing issues) with in laws or my parents is to nod and smile and then just do what I want! Seriously they don't need to buy into your parenting philosophy for it to work for you and they probably won't no matter what articles they read.

Tracy

Grace...my big three year old girl.
Ellie and Maddie...my little eight month old girls.

[DebbieJ]

I agree with Tracy. I've given up on re-educating. Thankfully, my mom tends to ask me before buying any big ticket items. But for other stuff (clothes, toys, books, etc) it either gets returned or donated without her knowing.

~ deb
DS 12/03
And a niece or nephew arriving in early August!

http://www.windsorpeak.com/dc/user_files/10029.gif

[Judegirl]

I tend to put things on us rather than try to change someone else's mind, unless they ask for my reasons or objections. So I do a lot of "You know us...we're weirdos...but we really don't want her reading fairy tales (or whatever) I hope you can respect that, even if we don't see eye-to-eye."

This way, if they want to discuss it, you've actually been invited to offer more information.... or you can say that you'd rather not get into it but it's not an attack on their philosopy, etc.

Good luck!
Jude

[Melanie]

Honestly, I am right there with you. We just stick to the big ones with family: No TV, No Violence with Video games (we don't watch them at home but Dh & SF play them sometimes at their house). MIL is big on reading early (that's another story altogether) and it really doesn't matter how many times we tell her that they don't do that at his school (Waldorf) she doesn't get it. She will read to him and say things like "do you know this word? what is this letter?" Drives me INSANE. I talked to his teacher about it, even she said unless she's sees him often, don't sweat it.

Unless they're going to be spending copious amounts of time with your Ds, I would not worry about the minor details. Give away the toys and books you don't like.

[KBecks]

If you can stand it, just be firm and state what you want. You don't really have to explain your decisions to anyone else.

Just say, we have decided that (name) will not be exposed to traditional fairy tales and Disney stories. We will donate any items that don't meet this rule.

Be gracoius, but you don't have to explain yourselves at all. Just keep repeating -- we have decided, we don't want xxxx exposed to fairy tales and Disney stories.

If they object, just ignore it. If they break your rule, then donate the stuff. If you find they are otherwise exposing your child, then talk to them, and tell them they have violated your trust and their contact will be limited.

The hard part will be sticking to your guns and ignoring any comments. If you know this is what you want, then be firm and consistent in stating what you want.

If at a later point you change your mind, you can adjust and clarify your posiiton, but remember this is ALWAYS your decision, not theirs.

Take care,

[bunnisa]

In a situation like this, I try to imagine that I'm the grandparent who just gave my grandchild books that my children don't approve of. How would I want them to react? I think having a talk / printing out articles is really not the right tack.

30 years from now, your children will strongly disagree with certain aspects of your parenting. You can only do what you feel is best at the time and hope it all turns out alright. That's what your parents did for you, too!

I know it can be frustrating -- sometimes when my mom questions my parenting I just reply "Is my son happy? Is he curious, adventurous, sweet and well-behaved?" They can't argue with results!

Bethany
mom to William 6/03
and another little one due late Feb '06!
http://lilypie.com/days/060226/0/8/1/-6/.png

[Melanie]

I forgot, another option...my SF really likes to buy obnoxious toys and plastic toys. He knows that we don't keep them in our home and so the compromise is that he gets to buy them for Ds to play with at their house. He just can't help himself. He cannot comprehend why we would pay $20 for a wooden car when he can get one for $2 that is plastic.

[Momof3Labs]

Why even try? Why not just put away (or donate) any gifts that do not meet your standards? IMO, it's usually easier to say "because I'm the parent now" than to try to reason with them or try to make them understand where you are coming from.

It's worked pretty well with my ILs!

[alkagift]

Maybe it's a southern thing, but my usual method is to thank them profusely for the thought, be as gracious as possible, then put it away. I decide whether DS plays with something, but I don't bother to try to tell my parents that I think they're wrong about giving it to him. I don't debate things with them, either. If they tell me I'm wrong, I say something like, "yep, I certainly understand how you might feel that way." And that's IT--no discussion. They know they can't change my mind--I've been stubborn since I was two. If they were being truly offensive or my son was older and was being significantly influenced, that's different.

In general, though, I'm not overly concerned with the messages such a young child may get from the occasional story that is read to them by their grandparents. I'm the mommy, and DS gets most of his information about people, respect, love, consideration and social graces from me and DH.


Allison
Mommy to Matthew Clayton, who is TWO!

[Sarah1]

Just echoing what Tracy said. Smile, be gracious and move on. It isn't worth it. That's JMO...I want peace with my in-laws! :)

[aliceinwonderland]

have not read any replies, in case I repeat something!

We do what we do and that's how it's done. My dad (the doctor) was giving me a hard time in front of the in-laws about a health issue the other day , presuming he should be the authority on this, and I said very clearly that "when it comes to my kid, I am the authority. Not all of you doctors know what you're talking about". And that ended that.

We just do this on a case by case basis as things come up: we say what we do, if asked we provide an explanation, and move on from there.

There is not enough time or inclination in the world for me to sit down and explain everything. Oh, and I also remind them how *their* parenting philosophies were different from *their* parents.

i have a (well deserved, perhaps?)reputation for being rather bitchy, so they do not mess with us too much. The Ils are actually better about it than my parents.

[aliceinwonderland]

I can't for Erik to read Hans Kristian Andersen (sp?)(NOT the Disney version) Arabian Nights (again, not the Disney version), many of my culture's folk tales, etc.

there's something wrong with this? Other than the fact that there's very few happy endings (LOL)?

e.

[mama2galpals]

i agree with pps who say to smile say thank you and then put them up in a closet somewhere or take them back to tru. maybe keep one in case they look for it they'll see one and be like oh ok the others are around too.

btw my friend and i were just discussing this. she just told me YESTERDAY this story of how her mother was watching the kids one day and she overheard her screaming stop it or i'll cut your head off and how she had to say mom, um we don't talk to kids like that anymore.

ok anyway i use the same rule for clothing i don't love which is a little different but along the same lines of what i do. i'll just thank them say i LOVE it and then put it on them for that special trip to the person's house but nowhere else.




rita
mommy to
olivia '97
stella '00
emma '03

There is no remedy for love but to love more.
--Henry David Thoreau

http://lilypie.com/baby3/030123/3/4/1/+10/.png

[Phoebe]

Tracy has some really good advice. If you become confrontational on this issue, I think it would be very offensive to them. They may take it as in indictment of their parenting - essentially telling them they did a lousy job. I just know how hurt my parents would be in that situation.

If my dad were still alive, I wouldn't care what gift or outdated fairy tale he gave them. At least they would know him.

Mary
DD 4/01
DS 6/03

[tigalig]

I think you have received great advice already. The smile and do it your way approach is the least confrontational and depending on how often you have to do it, the easiest.

I am wondering, however, what's the objection to Disney movies. For better or worse, we have our own collection and now I'm curious...

[C99]

Trelease would say no...because they're realistic. Maybe not realistic for our world now, but realistic in the sense that sometimes people aren't liked b/c they are ugly, and the world isn't fair, etc.

[lisams]

Like others have said, I would smile and say thank you and then donate the stuff or put it away if you don't want it. It could be that youe MIL thought the First Reader books would be perfect for toddlers since they are shorter and more simple. I actually read several to DD just because she really likes them, with no intention of using them to teach her to read at this age.

There are many, many things that my parents get for DD that I wish they wouldn't, but it brings them joy. And sometimes DD ends up liking whatever they got her much more than I ever thought she would.

As far as parenting style, I stick to the basics such as discipline and safety. A lot of it will be them seeing what you do so there is no need to explain. If a situation comes up you can just state how you do it. For example "If he throws food he goes in time out." or "We aren't giving DS peanut butter until he's 3". That way it doesn't invite discussion, and if they do ask then you can explain.


Lisa