Does anyone else think that parenting on days when you are all alone is tough?? [Archive]

JMS

06-28-2005, 06:58 PM

I feel bad almost even thinking about this but I often wonder if other moms feel the same way. I know I have it really, really good. I only have one child, so far. DH works hard but really tries to be home as much as possible to help with DD. He often gets up with her and lets me sleep until he has to leave for work and he tries to make it home in time to bathe her and put her to bed. I also have a babysitter a couple times a week for a few hours here and there to get stuff done, and I see my parents frequently and they really take over if I'm tired.

I love DD to death and I think she is fairly easy, as far as toddlers go, but the days that I wake up with her and go, go, go all day taking care of her, and then put her to bed myself (b/c DH is working late), are really hard sometimes. Hard in the sense of physically and even mentally tiring. I'm almost 20 weeks PG but I'm in my second trimester and the fog has definitely lifted.

I don't even know... I'm really babbling, but it's been one of those days and I was really just wondering if anyone else could relate. I feel funny posting this so if there aren't many responses, I'll probably delete it. If you are still reading, thanks for listening.

tigalig

06-28-2005, 07:06 PM

Tough? Most definitely! DH and I decided two years ago that I would sacrifice my career so that I could raise our children and I am alone alot of the time. He admits that his job which is no less than 14-16 hours per day is alot easier than mine. We all have days when we feel like taking a break because while it may be the most challenging and rewarding experience, I find it to be tiresome every single day.

barbarhow

06-28-2005, 07:20 PM

Jacquelyn-I have made the same post Yeah. It is hard, really hard. DH has come home many a day to find me in tears; not for any specific reason other than exhaustion.
I also oseem to expend more energy with him than dh-that is I am doing laundry, cooking, etc while home with him. If dh has him they seem to just play.
Hang in there-don't worry about the house and nap when she naps.
Barbara-mom to Jack 3/27/03, a Red Sox fan
and Anna 5/12/05, my little Yankee fan!

bnme

06-28-2005, 07:25 PM

Oh, Jacquelyn I am so right there with you! I could have written this post. I often have a rough time making it through the day, and my DH is usually home by 4:30. I dread the days I have to do dinner and bedtime by myself (tonight was one, he is out golfing...grr). It's just such a looong day. I don't know how other SAHM's whose DH's work later do it! Or if DH travels for work - yikes, they must be goddesses!

I so look foward to him getting home just so I can be "off-duty" for awhile. Even if it means I am just preparing dinner while he plays with the kids. My DH is a golf fanatic but he rarely gets to go because I am just too crazed by the end of the day (meaning 4:30 when he usually gets home) and make him cancel. He has been going less than 2x per month this season and I can barely stand it.

So you are not the only one. Don't feel guilty! Whenever I start to have those thoughts I just think about how sometimes my DH gets frustrated with the kiddos within a half hour of walking through the door - these lovable kiddos can be draining!

muskiesusan

06-28-2005, 07:32 PM

Very tough. DH travels a lot and last week I broke down before he left, sometimes I just can't handle it. I feel guilty for how much I look forward to naptime/bedtime and how disappointed/angry I am if they don't take a nap. I also feel guilty for hating my DH's job so much as he absolutely loves it.

We had a tough day today as well. By mid afternoon, I loaded them in the car and just drove around. I just couldn't take it anymore.

But, I also think parenting is tough even when you do have help!

Susan
Mom to Nick 10/01
& Alex 04/04

sbjf

06-28-2005, 07:42 PM

OH MY GOD YES!!! It is so much better when dh is home; it's more fun and easier. I hate it when he works late or is not home for some reason. I count the hours till he gets home from work! He works four 10 hour days, M, Tues, Thur. Fri., so luckily I only have to go 2 full days without him at a clip. Downside is that he doesn't get home from work till 6:30/7pm so it's a long day without him. I adore having him home, he is the primary caregiver for John when he is home and that is such a nice break for me and good change of pace for John. I do not know how single moms do it, I really don't. I'd probably move in with my mom or someone if I became a single mom. Parenting is just more fun when shared. Not only sharing the work, but the joy as well.

Raidra

06-28-2005, 07:45 PM

It is really, really hard, especially when you're expecting. Even though the first trimester has passed, you're still expending a lot of energy just growing your baby. I'm 35 weeks, and I had to convince Colwyn to watch a half hour of TV at 8:30 this morning so I could lie down and close my eyes.

It's rare that my husband comes home so late that he can't put Colwyn to sleep, but a few times a week he'll come 20 minutes after Colwyn's normal bedtime, which means I don't have enough time to put him to sleep by myself (he fights going down at night for me because he wants his daddy). That means Colwyn stays up 30-45 minutes later than normal, which means that he gets up about a half hour earlier the next morning, and then is grumpy for much of the day. It's so frustrating! My husband used to give him baths before bed every night, but hasn't been able to lately.. which leaves me to do it in the mornings. And with my gigantic belly getting in the way, bathtime is absolutely horrid.

Anyway.. the point is.. I'm often tired and needing a break before mid-morning. It's totally normal.. as cute as they are, toddlers are very demanding and it gets exhausting having to take care of them all day. But then, last night when my husband called to say he'd be late, and I had a hormonal crying fit, Colwyn totally came to my rescue with big hugs and kisses to make me feel better. Which, of course, made me cry harder - parly out of love for how sweet he is, and partly out of guilt for wanting a break from this adorable little guy.

Cut yourself some slack.. you're normal, and you deserve a break. :)

ETA: I just remembered something I saw on TV when I was little. It was something on a show like the Today Show, and a guest was talking about how tiring it is being a parent. She said that all parents love their kids, but they also hate them sometimes, too. Being young, I got very upset by what she said.. but now that I'm a parent, I kind of understand. I don't agree with her choice of words (hate is way too strong), but I think all parents definitely do have conflicting feelings towards their kids - the overwhelming love, and the overwhelming need for 5 minutes to themselves. I don't know any parents who don't feel that way - even the parents who work outside the home and thus get a "break" for 8+ hours a day.

jamsmu

06-28-2005, 08:08 PM

YES YES YES!!! You caught me in the midst of a few days with DH working heavy hours, and having just been on vacation with him and my whole family to play with DS. I have unconditional love for my little sweetie pie, but I would have unconditional love for 5 mintues alone!!!

For me, the best thing I can do is keep really busy. Today, I put off going to the bank until after naptime just so we could get out of the house. And then we went for ice cream and to a store with a train table (I always go to train table stores when DH isn't around). This way, both DS and I are distracted. There have been days when I've made an excuse to go to SAMS Club, maybe to get a box of diapers, even though we have a full box in the basement, just because it takes a while to walk through and sample all the foods. and I always save my returns for days like this, when I know I'll need excuses to get out.

The biggest thing I can recommend is the support of friends. I never mind when a friend calls and says "I need company for 20 minutes, can I come over?" because I know I'll be calling back another day with the same request. My family isn't too close by (you're lucky) so friends who know what its like are wonderful.

MichelleRC

06-28-2005, 08:19 PM

Oh. My. God. Yes.
I have a 2 1/2 year old and a 10 month old and a DH who works 6 days a week. I am lucky because we live about 45 minutes from my parents, so we will see my mom usually once or twice during the week. But I don't have friends with kids around here and even when DH is home, I can't take off and leave him with both kids. I am so tired I don't even realize how tired I am. I know it will get easier when Charlie is sleeping through the night (any time now please!!!!) and when the boys can play together.
Thank goodness for Sesame Street and the Wiggles.

AvasMama

06-28-2005, 08:32 PM

I work, and I completely understand this. In fact, I was just two minutes ago having this conversation with DH. I work from 7-3 in a busy, open office, then come home and take care of Ava from 3-7:30 when she goes to bed. Then DH wants to hang out with me until we go to bed. I never get ANY time alone and it's starting to get to me. I had started going to bed earlier than DH, but now he just brings his laptop upstairs and hangs out there.

I wouldn't trade my life for anything, but I would like 30 min. to myself every once in awhile!

Robyn & Ava

Wife_and_mommy

06-28-2005, 08:38 PM

I've been posting this in my mind for the last two weeks!

I'm(I don't even know. 9?10?) weeks along. I was horribly sick ALL day with dd and it's no better this time. DD is such a trooper as I haven't left the house in a week. She gets out with DH every few days. I just don't have the mental or physical energy, along with feeling miserable every waking moment, to be much fun.

DH is being a saint but he literally gets no rest as he's on call when he gets home. It's been great for dd/dh's relationship but I feel guilty that dh is going non-stop.

Every meal for dd is a vomit session for me because the mere thought of going in the kitchen make me dry heave.

ETA: DD did great with 3-4 hour naps for several weeks which were *heavenly*. The last few, I'm lucky if she sleeps for one. I'm *batty* on those days.

Elizabeth

http://www.gynosaur.com/assets/ribbons/ribbon_gold_12m.gif[/img][/url]

http://tickers.baby-gaga.com/t/dogdogcrd20040405_4_My+child+is.png

http://tickers.baby-gaga.com/p/dev035pb___.png
Our second morsel due early February 2006!

mamicka

06-28-2005, 08:42 PM

I'm lucky. DH is gone 6-4:30. The days when he's closer to 5 I think I'm going to loose my mind. The few times a year he travels I try to get my mom to come for a visit.

You are *definitely * not alone.

sarahsthreads

06-28-2005, 08:50 PM

Oh, thank you. I thought I was a horrible mom for feeling (just a bit) angry when my sleepy little girl decides playing is a much better option than napping. Not angry at her, of course, just angry at fate for not giving me a much needed break!

As for the original question, yes, it is incredibly tough. DH comes home from work every evening and totally takes over, because he realizes that my job is harder than even his most stressful day at work! My parents live next door to us, and I go over there almost every day, if only to have someone else hold or watch Carrie for just 10 minutes.

Sarah :)

laretce6

06-28-2005, 09:00 PM

YES YES YES! Right now DH is working monday-thursday and is gone 7-6 (he is a prof. so his schedule changes by semester/summer, etc.), he's here on Fridays, but has grading, class prep to do and also does a lot of that in the evenings and on weekends. We've been in our new area about a year, but I still feel like I hardly know anyone. Things are very spread out in this part of VA, so even the people from church who I know fairly well are almost all in a different county than us. Our families are 5+ hours away and I have NO help. I am so thankful to be able to stay at home and DH helps a ton when he's here, but sometimes I just wish I could run away to a job for a few hours here and there.

DH is going away for a week in August and I seriously am packing DD up and driving up to PA because I don't think I can handle her for an entire week down here by myself (unless she miraculously starts sleeping through the night on a more regular basis soon).

I have a tremendous amount of respect for all the Mamas whose husbands/partners are gone a lot.

Caroline
Mama to Eleanor Katherine 8.2.04

sbjf

06-28-2005, 09:01 PM

"I had started going to bed earlier than DH, but now he just brings his laptop upstairs and hangs out there."

I think that is kind of cute. :-)

Laurelsmom2002

06-28-2005, 09:04 PM

Yes, Yes, Yes !!! DH is now on the road until almost midnight friday- so I'm it until then, my mother just had surgery so going there (which is what I usually do when its gonna be this long) is out of the question. So I do as others do and stay really busy. Do you remember the freinds episode where Joey tells Ross just after Ross had lost his job, that he had done a weeks worth of errands in one day and that he needed to stretch it out- yep thats what we do stretch them out.Dry cleaning one day, grocery the next, ect... Pluss we have a great group of freinds who know how much dh travels and they keep me going so the days pass faster, dd keeps going, and goes to bed early- WHOO HOO!!

ilovetivo

06-28-2005, 09:09 PM

SOOOOOOOO tough!! And it doesn't even have to be a whole day. I have help 5 afternoons a week, but I still have such a hard time. DH works 7-7 and some saturdays. I'm so tired and out of it, i don't even know what to write.

Zoey's almost 6 months old and every day i think there's no way i'm having anymore kids. It's just too "darn" hard. Granted I have fibromyalgia & postpartum depression, but even 1 hour seems like days to me.

Ugh, she's up again. Teething!!

ETA: ok, she's down again (3rd time tonight)
Last 2 weeks have been particularly hard for me. I don't know if my fibro's worse (fatigue and pain) or my depression's getting worse, but it seems like at least once a day, when she's crying, that i just don't care. Sometimew w/ breastfeeding she's all of a sudden having a hard time and kicking and stuff and i just want to throw her off of me. It scares me. I get dh or zone out and just start crying. i feel so guilty for wishing we never had her sometimes. I know the first year is the hardest, but we're net even half way there. Today i realized I'm disappointed in myself. I knew it would be hard and I'd probably get ppd (i have depression in general anyway) but I never thought I'd feel like I didn't care at times.

She's up again!!! And we already did tylenol and teething tablets. No more milk in my boobs. DH is trying now to calm her again. ... I guess i better try now too, she won't stop crying.

Anyway, you're so not alone!

heatherlynn

06-28-2005, 09:19 PM

Oh, I so hear you! DH works long, irregular hours and sometimes I wonder how I'm going to survive until he gets home (which like today/tomorrow means about 30 hours or so). All our family is on the opposite coast so no help there.

Like previous posters, I try to get out the house. One other thing I do is tell DD that it's "reading campout night." This just means we grab a bunch of her books (like 20-30), get into our jammies, crawl into bed around 6pm, and take turns reading books to each other. This lets me lie down and doesn't take a lot of energy to do, so it's perfect for when I've had a long day and I'm exhausted. It sounds silly, but this works sooo well for us.

Anyway, just wanted you to know you're not alone. Hang in there!

H-
Heather
dd 3/98
ds 8/04
and #3 edd 11/05 (it's a girl!)

TraciG

06-28-2005, 09:30 PM

YES thank God also for the Noggin channel !!!!!!!!

My husband has been working 7 days a week since Christmas, now he will be working 5 or 6 days a week, I felt like a single mom for a while & I still look foward to naptime, when else would I shower, eat something & cook dinner, o yeah & go on the computer !!!!!!!!

Marisa6826

06-28-2005, 11:14 PM

Good grief, YES YES YES!!!

I feel like a total loser that I live for the days that my sitter is here. I truly wonder if it's still the PPD or if I've just really lost the ability to deal with never ending chaos. There are some days that I don't even get out of my jammies (like today). It's all I can do to feed the kids, and not act like some freak recluse.

WTF was I thinking when I thought it would be a good idea to get a puppy? Granted, he's 8m old, but still. I now have a 2-1/2yo, a 6m old, a 10yo feeble dog and a puppy. Jonathan is gone 11-12hrs a day and sometimes the "All Sophie, All the Time" game gets really old, really fast.

I'm absolutely certain that without my Happy Cat Pills, I'd be locked up someplace. I do see a therapist once a week, and regularly schedule 'me' time on the weekends. Jonathan knows better than to even ask about it.

Being pregnant and chasing a toddler is nothing short of exhausting in every capacity. There were days that I would just put Sophie in her crib, set up the laptop to play a Baby Einstein DVD on repeat and just go take a nap.

Do what you need to do to get by. Use the sitter, your parents, etc. There's no need to try and be Super Mom.

Hugs

-m

g-mama

06-29-2005, 12:47 AM

Are you kidding? It's brutal! My dh gets home around 7:00 most evenings and those 12 hours that I am alone with the kids is sooooo long. If he has to work late, I feel like I'm being pushed over the edge. Only to start all over again the next morning.

I have felt like a horrible mommy since becoming pregnant with a third. I am just now coming out of my exhaustion/all-day sickness funk. My 4yo has not napped for a year now and so when the 1yo naps, I put a movie in and go to bed. Sometimes he watches in my room, other times he wants to stay in the family room and I tell him to come get me if he needs me. How sad is that? I just have to. I can't make it through the day otherwise with no rest. And he is a high energy, high maintenance child (when not in front of the TV!) so he is physically and mentally trying all the time.

I try to stay busy and get out a lot. If I know dh is working late, I try to make plans with a friend for dinner to further break up the day and get through that really hard evening part with some distraction. So yes, it's exhausting.

Kristen
Paolo 11-00
Benjamin 8-03
and a third one coming in december '05!

amp

06-29-2005, 08:59 AM

Yes, yes, yes! A thousand yes's! I hate when DH travels, because I just barely make it without him here to help out! He is such a great help to me in parenting, and we are a definite team, so when he's gone, even for 1 night, I really feel it! I cannot fathom doing this by myself and definitely give kudos to those of you who do! It is a tough job! I worry about how hard it will be when we have 2 kiddos here!

ETA: As others said, it's not just when DH is traveling or working late. I count the hours till he gets home. There are days when I call him at 3:30 and ask if he's coming home yet (answer: "Um...no"). It's so much easier and fun (as someone already said) when he is here. Who thought that I would look so forward to weekends when I don't drive to a regular job like I used to and am now parenting all the time? But it's waaaay easier on the WE's.

kensjen

06-29-2005, 11:39 AM

Oh, yes it is very hard. Even the good days are hard, and we won't even talk about the bad days!

A couple of months ago, I thought it was hard...and now that I am PG, and in the first trimester...oh, is it hard! I feel so incredibly guilty every day because I can't crawl around the floor and play with DS and he is watching way too many DVDs. I also keep giving him the same thing for lunch, because it is the only thing I can stand to smell/look at. I feel like I am just in a fog all day while he runs around and plays. I know it will get better, but then when the baby comes, YIKES! :)

DH is great with Jonah, but he is gone at least 12 hours a day. And then there are the business trips that are pretty often. Many times Jonah and I tag along with him, just because it is easier than staying home alone for the week.

By 6:30 or 7pm I am ready to go to bed, and really my day is just beginning. I have to figure out dinner, and then I do a lot of the housework then, as it is hard to do while Jonah is up. Laundry, dishes, etc. Luckily DH has been a saint lately, and has been doing a lot of this, and not mentioning that I am not doing it! :) Although he keeps mentioning that we need to hire a housekeeper again, which is a big hint.

We all understand! It is hard even with lots of help!!

Puddy73

06-29-2005, 11:50 AM

As the many responses show, you are definitely not alone!!!! Taking care of a baby/toddler is hard work, especially when you are pregnant. I work outside the home and I still feel this way sometimes. I leave for work at 8:30 and pick up DD at around 3:30 or 4:00, then I'm on my own with her until DH gets home at 7:00. I'm usually exhausted by the time I pick her up, and it is the time of day that she starts to get cranky. I admit that some days I come home, turn on Wiggles or JoJo and flop on the couch for 20 minutes. Then it is a rush to do laundry, cook dinner, scrape a layer of filth off the house, etc., with DD wanting to be held every few minutes. We both look forward to hearing DH's car pull in!

Jennifer
Mommy to Annabelle 9/03 & a little pumpkin due 10/05

"Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away."

missym

06-29-2005, 12:13 PM

Being a parent is hard work! Being a pregnant mommy is hard work!

When DD was a baby, I used to literally watch the clock waiting for my DH to get home from work. Since becoming pregnant, I've caught myself doing it again. (And I work part-time so I do have a few hours of down time during the day.)

I feel guilty too, but I think like PP's have said, we all just need to give ourselves permission to feel overwhelmed sometimes.

I'm an introvert (not meaning that I don't get along with other people but meaning that I recharge my batteries by having time to myself), and I know that is a factor. I really need some alone time, and if I don't get it, my stress and tiredness levels reflect that.

Missy, mom to Gwen 03/03... and #2 due Sept 05!

Raidra

06-29-2005, 12:21 PM

At least your husband wants to spend time with you.. :)

Seriously, though, can he watch Ava for an hour or so on the weekends so you can get out of the house? Two weekends ago, we went to the mall, and my husband took Colwyn to have an ice cream and just wander around while I had a half hour to look at scrapbook supplies. It was great! He was totally willing to do this, but just needed a prod in the right direction.. in other words, I had to drive them to the mall and tell them what to do.. but, hey, I got my half hour. ;)

Raidra

06-29-2005, 12:22 PM

SummerBaby

06-29-2005, 12:50 PM

This is exactly how I feel, Robyn. I get up with DD each morning (lately sometimes at 5:15), go to work 9-5, and then come home and take care of her until she goes to bed. And now that it's golf season, I am alone all day on Saturday too.

I feel really selfish saying this, because I really enjoy the time I spend with DD, and she's a very good baby. I would just love to have a Saturday afternoon where I could go sit by the pool and read a book! After all- DH has golf!

ETA- to the OP- I can't imagine being home all day. I think it's definitely harder to be a SAHM. At least in an office you can at least go to the bathroom by yourself! :)

Val
Mom to Madeline
7/28/04

heidis2girls

06-29-2005, 03:02 PM

Oh, yes! Parenting is incredibly hard. My DH travels a lot and I am exhausted when he comes home. Actually, I'm exhausted when he comes home even when he isn't traveling! My girls are not babies anymore (they are 3 1/2 and 5 1/2). While some things are easier with older kids, some things are more difficult. Neither of them nap, for example. Sarah stopped napping over a year ago. That alone makes for a very long day! They need to keep busy. This morning we went to an indoor playground (to escape the heat and humidity!) and to lunch with friends. As soon as we got home the girls wanted to go outside and play on the swingset. Well, I had some things to do in the house and they don't go out without me or DH. By the time I got my things done (the girls watched a movie) and we got outside, it was starting to rain!

DH goes to work early and sometimes isn't home until almost 7:00pm. By that time I've fed the girls. He does do the nighttime routine when he's home, though, which is a lifesaver! He reads the stories, gets the teeth brushed, etc. He even gives them baths, although now that they are outside so much I usually just give them a quick shower when we come back inside before dinner.

When DH is away and I'm doing it all, it is exhausting! There are just no breaks and nobody to relieve you. Plus the responsibility is all on your shoulders. Now my girls are out of school for the summer so we are trying to keep busy! I'm lucky in that the girls do love being at home, they don't need to go somewhere every day. They adore their swingset. I swear that was the best money we ever spent! They play on it for hours. The only problem is that I need to be out with them so I don't get anything done in the house while we are outside. While they are playing I do try to make a phone call, write a card, or even go through the ever growing stack of catalogs I receive!

You're not alone and you don't need to feel badly for feeling this way! Obviously many of us do. Being pregnant makes it that much more difficult, too. Try to take some time for yourself. I have a couple of friends who have kids around the same ages as mine and we try to get together alone as much as we can! It's usually only once a month or so, but every little bit helps. We'll go see a movie (sometimes around 8:00pm after our DH's come home) or go to dinner. Every so often we will splurge and go out for the whole day! It's heavenly! Don't feel guilty, you need to do this. A happy mommy = a happy baby/child!