Conflicting Feelings about Having Second Baby

[Raidra]

I'm feeling really conflicted about the upcoming birth of baby #2. In my own selfish way, I'm really looking forward to it because I'm so sick of being pregnant, and I can't wait to see and cuddle this new little guy. But I'm also dreading it, in a way that I'm not sure is normal.

Colwyn and I have a very comfortable routine, and we get along really well. He's such a cuddly little guy.. he loves climbing into my lap, telling me that I'm his mommy, and giving me huge hugs and kisses. He's such a sweet innocent boy, and I feel like there's this huge cloud hanging over his head that he doesn't have any clue about. I'm worried about how things will change for him after the baby is born. I'm not worried at all about my ability to love both children - it's more that I worry that he might feel as if I don't love him as much anymore. I know that everyone worries about their kid's feelings getting hurt (just reading that post about neighborhood boys hurting Jack's feelings is enough to make me cry), but I wonder if I'm overreacting to this. It almost feels like I'm grieving for something - which I also feel guilty about, like I should just be grateful for what I have and whatnot. But then, his time as an only child is coming to an end.. shouldn't I mourn that for him?

My husband and I are supposed to go away for a night next weekend, and I really don't want to because we have so little time left to lavish attention on Colwyn. My husband thinks I'm nuts and just being hormonal, so he's no help.

I'm not really asking for advice.. just hoping that other moms have felt this way. :) Hopefully it won't be as horrible as I anticipate. I suppose I should just stop worrying, as there's nothing I can do about it now.. or as my mom would say, "Well, you should've thought of that in the first place!"

[C99]

Rachel,

Based on the many topics about this subject and my own feelings, I think what you are feeling is totally normal. I was on BR for 6 weeks of my pregnancy w/ Rose and that made it so much worse for me, because I really couldn't spend quality time w/ Nate and he had no idea that his life was going to be turned on its head in a matter of weeks.

You can't predict how Colwyn will react and given his age, you can't really prepare him for the change either. All you can do is hope for the best and wait to see how things play out. It will be OK in the end.

[JLiebCamm]

Your feelings are perfectly normal. I went through a lot of the same emotions while pregnant. But I'm happy to say that Nathan loved his little sister from day 1 and has shown minimal jealousy over my time and attention. If anything, I felt initially like I was cheating Claire out of my time because with her sleeping so much or hanging out quietly, I still spent the first 12 weeks or so with almost full attention on Nathan. Now that she's an active 6 month old i can't get away with that :) But when you doubt yourself think of what a great friendship they'll have in a few years. My brother is 7 years younger than me and I really missed having a playmate when I was little. There are always pros and cons to these things, but I think you'll be glad you followed the path that you did in the end!

[TraciG]

I will feel the same way !!!!!!!

Best of luck

[amp]

Rachel- I'm well behind you on the due date timeline, so I can't speak to the "after" part of this, but I *completely* understand your feelings! I have been feeling the same exact things, but haven't been able to put it quite as accurately as you just did. I feel guilty that this new baby will rock his world and I don't want him to ever feel like I don't love him as much as I do. I worry that he will never feel as special as he does right now and that he will miss that. I just feel sad and guilty about wanting and loving this baby. You aren't alone.

[beckyr88]

I felt the exact same way. You put it so well, that you want to "mourn" the time Colwyn was your only! I was so there.

I had the same experience as Jessica, though, when Francie was little--she just slept and slept and I played constantly with Stella, so the transition was a little easier. There were a few tears on both our parts--I felt *soo* guilty every time Stella acted out. It's always something!

But bottom line, I totally understand your worries!

Good luck!

[ColorBlue]

I definitely felt the same way. When we brought the twins home I cried when I got home. I think everyone just assumed it was because I was so happy to have them home but really it was because I was so sad for my older dd. I was so sad that our special relationship would change. That I wouldn't be able to take care of her like before and I worried how she would handle it. It didn't help that I was on bedrest for six weeks, three of which were in the hospital so I hadn't really seen her that much before the babies came.

Of course you know this but it really does turn out okay. Our little ones are so much more adaptable than we give them credit for. It was a bit rough adjusting to rationing attention rather than lavishing attention but it worked out. She will always be my first and that is special.

Tracy

Grace...my big three year old girl.
Ellie and Maddie...my little eight month old girls.

[Sarah1]

Rachel--I'm due right around the same time you are, and I completely relate to the feelings you're having. At the same time, Audrey has been so spoiled with our attention for 2+ years now, so I feel like it will be good for her to have the share the limelight. I know it's going to be a really tough adjustment for her, though, and when I look at her so clueless about how her life is going to change, I definitely get a little sad thinking about it!

[calebsmama03]

Oh honey - reading your post made ME cry! I felt the same way (and still being fairly early PP and way hormonal/"blues-y" I still do to some extent). I think it is completely normal and I still get so sad to think that C is not my little baby anymore. He seems so much bigger and more mature now that I just want to rewind to the times when he would sit on my lap and snuggle for hours :( It didn't help that because I wasn't allowed to pick him up after I was 24 weeks (due to ctx) he stopped asking for me to pick him up :( Thankfully C has never shown jealousy over Miss P and is enamoured with her. I hope you feel better soon - and poo on DH who thinks you're overly emotional about this. It IS tough mama, so do what makes you feel right!
Lynne
Mommy to C 3/03
http://www.gynosaur.com/assets/ribbons/ribbon_emerald_18m.gif[/img][/url]
And Miss Purple, 5/05

[marinkitty]

Rachel - I think it would be abnormal not to feel the way you do, at least a little. The relationship between a mother and her first born is so special, and the reality is that things will never be the same after the baby arrives. So I think it is normal and healthy to mourn the loss of that special relationship. As other posters have said, though, although there are sure to be a few tough moments, it seems most kids are so adaptable and seem to love their baby brothers or sisters in very short order. It took Mia a couple of weeks to adjust but now I really do not think she remembers life BJ (before Jack).

That said, I do try to make time a couple times a week (and wish it could be every day) to do one-on-one things with just Mia. Sometimes we go out for a girls' lunch if I have a sitter, sometimes I take her on errands with me (and telling her Jack is too little to come with Mommy on such errands really seems to make her feel like good).

But just yesterday something did strike a cord with me - I was running down the street to get a couple of things from the drugstore and my mom was here so I left Jack and decided to pop Mia in my hotsling b/c if she walked it would take 3X as long. So I carried her and she was so absolutely delighted to be in the sling. She just snuggled against me and smiled and hugged me the whole trip. And I realized I haven't had her in a carrier since Jack arrived - b/c it is usually the baby I'm slinging. And that made me feel bad, because I know she misses this closeness and cuddle time. I try to make up for it by cuddling with her before naps and bedtime, but I know it isn't the same. Still, you do the best you can and use the moments when your oldest is loving on your baby to justify the change in their world!

OK - now I've written a book, so I guess this subject is still close to my heart even though Jack is over 3 months old!

Good luck! And enjoy the rest of your alone time with Colwyn!
Holly
Mom to Mia (3.17.03) and baby brother Jack (3.23.05)

[CBB]

Rachel,

We don't have #2 but I have the same feeling ever since DD was born. I don't want DD to feel that she's losing attention. I feel that I can never love another baby like DD. On the other hand I feel bad for baby #2 who will never get the same attention and love as DD since she/he would never be the only baby. That's one of the reasons why we still haven't tried for #2. We do know that we want DD to have a siblin eventually. Maybe we'll never feel ready... I do know a lot of people who have 2-4 kids who all said that the older kids adored the younger ones. And I'm sure everything will turn out fine. Colwyn will be a great big brother!

[muskiesusan]

I also felt this way. I broke down during labor with #2 telling DH we were awful to be doing this to DS1. I actually told him he needed to go home to be with him, luckily he didn't listen to me as I needed him with me!!!

Honestly, some days I do feel bad that the kids need to share me. But then you see them interacting with each other and you realize what a wonderful gift you have given them. I really do love the kids more and more every day-which sounds strange as I thought I already loved them to capacity!

Susan
Mom to Nick 10/01
& Alex 04/04

[ribbit1019]

I completey understand and even though I am just starting this tour of guilt, I am right there with you. I expressed this to DH and he said that he would just have to be there more for DD while she is adjusting. Not that he isn't now, but he knows how much I enjoy playing with her so he lets me do it most of the time.... I thought that was very sweet of him to say. :) So no you aren't alone at all.

Christy
Maddy - binkie free as of 6/28/05

http://lilypie.com/baby2/040609/3/4/0/-5/.png
Grow Baby Grow!
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