What if your child grows up completely opposite of U ? - reflection

[JulieL]

I don't know if other parents have thought on this but I have. For instance if your child happens to be very popular and you were not or the opposite, or if your child is isolated by their own choice and you were a social butterfly. Another thought of mine is my children eventually (LOL it seems forever from right now though) they will grow up in a family with 2 to 3 times the money I had growing up, and the attitudes our children will have and how to instill those values I learned growing up in a poorer childhood. I often wonder how will I handle these things or the like and what will it be like. The idea your child will be just like you, will be remote in actuallity. I guess you take it once step at a time, but I really wonder of the challenges these could have in the years to come. Has anyone else contemplated these type of thoughts?

[aliceinwonderland]

I already know my child will be very different than me...I guess I do not see how this will affect anything...Nothing is stronger than the fact that my child is my child forever. DH and I are pretty open, and have a good sense of humor I like to think, so we're open to being entertained :) if our kid goes a completely different path.

edited to clarify.

[Raidra]

In some ways, I hope my children will have some personality traits that are the complete opposite of mine. I know they'll grow up to be completely different people, and probably have little if any of the same interests as us. I know that in most ways, I'm the exact opposite of my mom (not so much my dad). In the things that are very important, though, we're a lot alike. My parents instilled core values (the importance of family, right from wrong, etc) in me, and that hasn't changed despite teenage rebellions and forming a family of my own. While my mom might wish I shared her religion and my dad might wish I shared his political views, I think that in the long run, those aren't as important. I try to be a good person in the way that my parents try to be good people.. it doesn't really matter whether I can save money or go to church or like 80's pop. ;)

As for some money values.. I think that even people who are well-off can teach their children money-related values. Just because you have the cash to buy them what they want, that doesn't mean you have to. When they're old enough they can be taught about working for what you want and delayed gratification. Of course, Colwyn is completely spoiled.. but I'm crossing my fingers that he's still young enough that it hasn't done any damage yet. :)

[hellokitty1]

I think about this often. In my case, there are some things about me that i hope my child will pick up from me but then there are other things, especially about the value of money, that I hope she can learn from me even though we are in much different times.

I hope she will not get my sometimes bad temper. I know I got this from my parents even though I swore I would not.

But I also wonder how she will value money because when I was growing up, we never bought anything that wasn't on sale, we went to a bunch of grocery stores just because of the food specials, etc. Now, we still avoid full-price and such but it just doesn't feel as frugal as like it used to be. The weird thing is I know that it is me spending the money bc 99% of the stuff we have bought for her is bc DH or i wanted it. She's not exactly old enough to point things out that she wants.

Anyway...clearly my day at work is slow so it's causing me to ponder all those wacky things that you just try not to think about on a daily basis. I should just go home. It's dead around here.

Vivian
Mom to Sydney (4/24/03)

[Moneypenny]

Hmmm, I hadn't really thought about in a formal sense, but I have wondered about certain aspects. For example, DH and I are introverts, and if she's an extrovert we will have to do things that are outside our usual comfort zone, I'm sure. But, that's okay and will be good for us, I think. I sometimes wonder if she'll be a "girly" kind of girl, because I'm not. If so, I'll have to learn how to do hair and makeup and such so I can share that part of her personality with her.

But overall, I think it's good for people to be, well, whoever they are! My wishes for her are pretty basic and universal, I think - health, happiness, and the ability to love deeply and be loved in return. Whether she gets there by being just like me or very different from me, I guess doesn't really matter. I will, of course, love her no matter what, and I hope that I can like her most of the time, too (I went through a phase in my teenage years where I know I made it very difficult for my parents to like me!).

Susan
mama to my cutie pie, Avery
http://www.gynosaur.com/assets/ribbons/ribbon_amber_9m.gif[/img][/url]

[aliceinwonderland]

wow, you're so eloquent. I feel the same way, esp. the second paragraph :)

[jbowman]

I've thought about this quite a bit, since I already know that my children's experiences will be different from mine. Because of my job and our love of travel, DD and "future art lover" will be much more well-traveled than I was growing up (they'll also go to a lot more museums ;)).

I'm not worried about my DC being different from me or having different interests. I hope that they do what makes them happy. I don't think my parents have ever figured out how I became an art historian (although my dad did take several art history classes after he retired, which I thought was awesome), but I know they are happy b/c I am happy.

[Moneypenny]

Awww, thanks (blush). Usually I can hardly string two words together without flubbing it up, but sometimes this motherhood gig brings out the best in me.

Susan
mama to my cutie pie, Avery
http://www.gynosaur.com/assets/ribbons/ribbon_amber_9m.gif[/img][/url]

[Marisa6826]

As long as my children go through life with the lessons and morals I've taught them - to respect themselves and others, to give people the benefit of the doubt and to love each other - I think they'll be fine.

I will love them unconditionally no matter what. That isn't to say that I may not LIKE their decisions. Our job as parents is to give our kids the tools they need to get by in life. How they choose to use them is not up to us.

I think that so far, based on their personalities, Sophie and Mia will be outgoing with a good sense of humor. I think they're both very intelligent (what Parent doesn't think that?), and Sophie already shows empathy toward others.

Would I like them to go to college, become successful, productive adults in society? To get married and have families of their own? Of course. I don't think that any parent would want anything less. But if one of them comes home one day and professes to be a motorcycle lesbian, as long as she's kind to others and doesn't abuse her body or others, I'm fine with it. (Disclaimer - I have no problems with any motorcyle lesbians.)

Jonathan and I have high hopes for them. Hopefully their hopes for themselves will meet or exceed ours.

-m


ETA - Now if one was to come home and claim to be a member of the RNA and RNC, that may be another story. :P

[MelissaTC]

I think about this often. I am an extrovert. I am much more open to new ideas and consider myself to be somewhat of a liberal person- not so much the political sense (I lean towards the left) but overall. My DH is much more conservative in his attitudes and even behavior. He is much more religious than I am and has a completely different attitude towards money & politics. But we get along famously. :P

Matthew is much more sociable than DH will ever be. But he is also much more of a go-with-the-flow guy like his Dad. Being that I am defintiely high maintence, I am thankful for such an easy child. My little guy is also very open to new things and I am happy for that as well.

My biggest hope for him is that he grows up to be happy and healthy. I want him to go to college, to make a good life for himself and to produce some beautiful grandchildren for me. I am open to the fact that this may not happen. I would love him if he was a single grocery clerk or if he was a gay lawyer. He is my baby.

I know I am leading a life that is different than what my parents wanted. They certainly didn't expect me to marry as young as I did or to even be a SAHM. They support my decisions but I have a feeling that my Dad secretly winces at the thought that I am not using my education. Oh well. I see raising my child as the most important thing I can do with my life right now. I make no apologies for that. I also don't think my Dad expected me to marry someone who doesn't have the same ethnic background as me. Oh well. I love my DH very much and so do my parents, don't get me wrong.

Sorry to write so much...this post really got me thinking! I am interested to see what my Maggie will be like! :)

[aliceinwonderland]

I guess I would not deal well (on the inside) if my son made choices that I think are out there, like if he became a fundamentalist of any religion, being very very conservative ideologically, etc.

I am sure this is how I'm sure my in-laws view their son, who is so very completely different from them...But we (even I!) get along great with them (who volunteers to go spend the long weekend with the in-laws? And move half-way cros the country to be closer? I did!)

So i only pray I have as decent of a relationship with my children as my DS has with his parents, despite having turned out so differently.

All I can hope for is a long, happy life for him, and that we do not mess him up too much.

e.

[cmdunn1972]

I like your philosophy on this. It sounds so much like my ILs (which is one of the many reasons that I love them so much). Our job as parents is to teach our kids to be responsible, independent adults who can make their own decisions. The other job is to support our kids when they make those decisions. It's not always easy, especially if we disagree, but we as parents can't be around for the end of our kids' lives so the best we can do is to love them for who they are.

Life is more interesting because of our differences, not in spite of them.

[JulieL]

Thanks for your thoughts on this. It's interesting how your family can be so different than the one you grew up in - for me coming from a broken home (2 divorces) that it is a very good thing. My favorite thoughts on the importance is this Carol King song:

Child Of Mine
Carole King
(Writer)

Although you see the world
Different than me
Sometimes I can touch upon
The wonders that you see
And all the new colors and pictures you've designed
Oh, yes, sweet darling,
So glad you are a child of mine

Child of mine, child of mine
Oh, yes, sweet darling
So glad you are a child of mine

You don't need direction
You know which way to go
And I don't want to hold you back
I just want to watch you grow
You're the one who taught me
You don't have to look behind
Oh, yes, sweet darling,
So glad you are a child of mine

Nobody's gonna kill your dreams
Or tell you how to live your life
They'll always be people to make it hard for awhile
But you'll turn their head when they see you smile

The times you were born in
May not have been the best
But you can make the times to come
Better than the rest
I know you will be honest
If you can't always be kind
Oh, yes, sweet darling,
So glad you are a child of mine


I use to sing this to DS when he was a baby. It seemed to convey what I felt and hoped for him.

[mamamayi]

I think when you become a parent one of the things you realize is that you DON'T have control over your children at some point in their life. Whether they grow up like you or not, it's just important that you have taught them the things they need to know. Children DO need direction.

I grew up in a broken family as well, but what I make of that is up to me. I can choose to be any way I want. I train my children to know right from wrong, but they have to choose, too. I would not want my children to go through many of the things I went through, but they have nothing to do with having money or not. A child is not made responsible by having or not having money.

You'll make many mistakes that can't be undone, so you can't feel guilty. You just do the best you can do -- whatever that is. What your child becomes ultimately is not up to you. There comes a time in life when we are all responsible for our own actions and we can't blame them on someone else or our upbringing.

We're all different, and I happen to think that's a good thing.

JulieL, I'm sure you're a great Mom. Your compassion shows in your posts. Your children will grow up with the knowledge of God, and to believers, that is the best thing in the world you can give a child.

[kath68]

I sang this to DS from 0-6mos at every nap/bedtime. We've since moved on to other bedtime music, but it still makes me cry. It is such a perfect mommy song.

My fav. story on this topic is from a child development professor I used to work for. She was having a very serious conversation with her eight-year old daughter, trying to convey that no matter who her daughter fell in love with as an adult, mommy would be there and love her -- even if she fell in love with another woman. A very nice, open and tolerant perspective.

DD, straight-faced and very concerned, looks up at her and says, "even if she's a Republican?" Stopped mommy in her tracks (in part, because her DD nailed mommy on her one bias). Just goes to show, kids pick up on your values and perspectives whether you want them to or not! :)

[cmdunn1972]

Funny, both my DH and I come from homes with varying political stances. We might all declare different political allegiances, but since both Dems and Reps come from varying sides of a sliding scale, I've found that our values are all similar despite voting for different people! Maybe it helps that all of us are moderate whatever. :)

[mamamayi]

You just made me realize that maybe what we are talking about isn't so much an outward or even spoken thing, like I'm a Dem or a Rep, but what is inside.

And I agree that moderation is where it's at!

[kath68]

I know what you mean -- my parents have a "mixed" marriage -- Rep/Dem. Also, I am Dem, and DH is Rep. But DH and I have very similar moderate views.

It is all about looking past the label to see what a person really values. Certainly a lesson I want DS to learn.

[Sillygirl]

I have often wondered about this while reading a lot of the MIL and annoying mother stories that people post here (with good reason, a lot of the time!) It's funny that lots of people here have mentioned political leanings or religion, but not parenting styles. The expert advice on parenting changes so drastically from one generation to the next. So I have caught myself wondering what the reaction will be when our kids tell us, the old grannies, not to pick up the child so often, or to not push language development too early, or back away in horror when we offer signing DVDs . . . It's hard to imagine but I'm sure our moms feel that way with us, that the things they did that they thought were correct are now thought to be so wrong. And I think we're kidding ourselves to think that AP or the other theories out there are going to be the last word in child development now and forever. I hope my kids will have patience with me when I try to offer my advice and experience about my grandkids!

[muskiesusan]

>It is all about looking past the label to see what a person
>really values. Certainly a lesson I want DS to learn.

ITA. My husband and I tend to vote opposite, and we also are differently religions (I'm Catholic and he is agnostic), but fundamentally, we share the same ideals.

I do worry about the effects that money will have on our kids. I grew up very poor and it has had a huge impact on my life. We have so much more than I ever had growing up, and I fear it will almost hinder my children some how. My outlook has changed somewhat since I hired a weekly sitter. She comes from a very wealthy family and it amuses me how she tries to relate my household problems to the ones they are experiencing in their multi-million dollar house. Her parents have done a tremendous job raising her. She is one of the most down to earth, responsible teenagers I have met in awhile. I need to talk to her parents to see how they were able to instill such a wonderful work ethic in their children.


Susan
Mom to Nick 10/01
& Alex 04/04

[heidis2girls]

I already know that my girls will be the opposite of me in some ways. I was painfully shy as a child and my girls are very outgoing and sociable. I am so happy about this because it was horrible to be so shy. I already know that they will do things and take chances that I didn't. They already do!

And I know that their stubborn streak (that they get from my MIL not me ;-)) will get them far even if it drives me crazy most days!

It won't bother me if the girls are different from me, I just want them to be good people who are thoughtful, loving and care about other people. Of course, I want them to be happy and healthy, too! And I hope that one day they find someone they love who loves them in return with whom they can share their "happily ever after". And I hope they are lucky enough to have children that they love as much as I love them!

[tigalig]

It seems that my family has always referred to me as the fruit that fell off the tree on a hill and rolled and rolled and rolled. So the saying, "the fruit doesn't fall far from the tree" never applied to me. I have always been different and although you can look really hard to find similarities, the fact remains that you can trace my difference back to my childhood. My sister often told me that I was adopted - as if that was a bad thing! Being on the other side of the coin, I can say that I don't worry about our children being opposite from us because we're already all very different, and that's exactly what I love about our family. I know it's going to be challenging and what I hope to draw upon is my experience as a child that every person should be embraced for who they are, especially when they're finding their way. I received alot of "where did you get that idea from?" and "you never learned that here" and "we don't do things that way." Our job as parents is to love first and foremost and if in our guidance, they end up like us, then I suppose that might be icing on the cake. In my mind, the real test of parenting will come when you can see your child for who s/he is and love and accept him/her completely without hesitation.