How do deal with family members who smoke?

[Jenn98]

First, let me say that I belive everyone has the right to do as he/she pleases as long as it doesn't hurt someone else. I don't want to turn this into a thread bashing smokers. I simply want to know how to deal with my mom and my SIL.

They both smoke. They both smell of smoke. And they are both really excited for me to have our first baby. I'm uncomfortable with them being around the baby (she's due in 4 weeks) if they smell of smoke, which they do. My mom and SIL only smoke outside, but I still can smell it on them. My mom is a slightly bigger issuse since she will be coming for a week after the baby is born. Am I overreacting like a typical first time mom, or do I have cause for concern? I'm really sensitive about this because I have long-term health issues related to growing up with smoking parents.

Also, what do I do now when we go visit my mom & dad (3 hour trip) and their house REAKS of smoke? Get a hotel? Oh, and my dad has recently begun smoking, too, but he won't admit it. Do I just confront them both?

Why does family have to be so nutty!?! :)

TIA,
Jenn

[aliceinwonderland]

I am sorry. My dad smokes (and little sister too, but hoping this is temporary), but he always goes outside both in his house and mine...Their house NEVER smells of smoke...My big problem is with cafes and such where there's so much smoke, DH had to take Erik out and play while we finished our coffee the other day.

I guess *my* approach would be to just throw it out there before baby is born, kind of like (for example "we're breastfeeding, buying this kind of stroller and crib, and oh, smoke is really really bad for babies so we'll not have our baby near it, new or old smoke. Just what the doctor says, what can you do?"

good luck :)

[marit]

This is what I would do if I were in your shoes: Never let anyone smoke anywhere near my child, not inside or outside. But I don't think that if their clothes/breath smell of smoke that it could damage your child's health in anyway. We (as adults) might be sensitive to the smell but I doubt the smell itself can cause damage. When your mom is in your house she has to play by your rules. You can ask her (nicely) to go a cetain distance away from the house when she smokes. However, when you're in her house you need to play by her rules. If she wants to smoke inside, and you don't want your children exposed, well, it's a tough call, but you need to do what you think is right. I doubt that confronting them will do any good other than cause stress, I don't believe you can change other people.

Good luck, and have a fast and safe delivery!

[jbowman]

My mom smokes (and I don't just mean a little bit--I am surprised that she doesn't sleep with a cigarette in her mouth--if she could, she would). When she visits, she smokes outside--she sits outside of the garage. I do not allow smoking in the house. Yes, she smells like smoke when she returns, but in the grand scheme of things (my parents live about 16 hours away), I don't let that bother me. When we go to restaurants, we sit in the no-smoking section. And I do not let her smoke in the car.

When we visit my parent's house, I ask that they clean the house and that my mom not smoke in the house while we stay there--even when we're out of the house (my ILs live in the same town, so we split our visits b/t the two homes).

I understand how uncomfortable and potentially stressful this can be. Just be polite, but firm.

[kensjen]

I would be firm about it now, before the baby is even here. It is easy to brush it off and just get really busy/tired after the baby is born.

I had to deal with my mom, dad, and a few other random relatives.They already knew that they couldn't smoke in my home, in the past they would go out on the deck. But I told them once the baby was here, I didn't want them to smoke at all. I didn't want it to stick to their clothes and then have them hold him, etc. I told them how important this was to me, and they were visiting when DS was less than a month old, so I really didn't want him to be around it. (Turns out DS has asthma, and it really could have been a big problem if they were smoking around him). Anyway, my mom ended up quitting...it wasn't really intentional, but she just didn't bring any cigarettes when she came and realized that she could live without it, if she had a reason to. Same with my grandma. Seems like they just needed a good enough reason to quit. It was hard when they went back home, but my mom ended up taking wellbutrin or something to help and my grandmother just never went back. My dad didn't smoke while he was here, but does still smoke. They were all first time grandparents (or great grandparents) and were just so happy to come see DS that they didn't seem to mind and didn't get all defensive (which I had expected). Maybe you won't have such a positive experience, but you don't know until you try.

They have all been very respectful of these requests since I have been married and have my own home. As a teen, I would put all of those brochures from the american cancer society on the fridge, warning them of the dangers and I would blame every illness I had on secondhand smoke. They were unresponsive and had that, "this is our house, we are the parents, blah blah blah" attitude. But now that I am "grown up" LOL and they also know how against smoking my DH is, they are more understanding. I have a feeling my mom sneaks some cigarettes here and there at home, but not around my grandma or anyone who would tell me. :) It is almost like she is the teenager now.

Second hand smoke is a serious issue, especially for infants and small children. Don't feel bad about voicing your concerns, and YAY to you for protecting your baby. And I would say YES, stay in a hotel if you can, when visiting them. It will only stress you out to have your baby around them, and it is likely they will still smoke when you are there. I know this is a tough topic, but stick to your guns! Your baby's health is so important!!

[Marisa6826]

Do a search on smoking. There was a HUGE thread on this when I delivered Amelia in December, as my Aunt was coming to help out and she was a smoker.

-m

[Hippoharbor]

I just dealt with this same issue. We visited MIL's house for the first time last weekend and they all smoke. Whenever DH is there, they do not smoke in the house around him. So, you would think the same would apply to our new little bundle of joy. DH dropped me off at MIL and he was gone the whole weekend at a football camp. FIL and great aunt did smoke outside while I was there visiting, but MIL continued to smoke in the kitchen. I almost flipped when I walked in the kitchen one of those days and she was holding DS WHILE SMOKING!! I walked over to her, grabbed my baby and said "I will take him". I wish I had enough courage to have said something to her about how wrong that was. (I kind of think she got the hint after that b/c she then would leave the kitchen if I walked in with the baby if she was smoking).

I, too, do worry about them holding him with all of the tobacco smell on their clothes, hands,etc. They have those tobacco products on their hands and then touch DS's hands, which he sticks in his mouth. I hate that and would be happy if we didn't have to go back there again for a visit.

[starrynight]

I have very firm rules, at my house no one smokes I don't care what you do at your house but not inside mine. So anyone that visits has to do it outside and clean up after themselves (no leaving butts on my patio) and it's not allowed inside our van either.

As for when we visit family, we ask they not do it infront of our kids or while holding our kids but I do respect that if we are the visitor in their home then I will take the kids outside if they refuse to go outside to smoke.

[pritchettzoo]

They aren't going to believe you about how badly they smell. My mom always thought I was just being a bitch. ;) She stopped smoking right after I had a m/c before getting pregnant with Gracie because she wanted to be around her grandchild(ren) as much as possible. Now that she hasn't smoked in almost 3 years, she has gotten her "nose" back and complains about the neighbors smelling like smoke! Anyway, they won't believe you and will think you're being overly sensitive. Tough cookies.

When they come to your house, make them smoke outside--FAR OUTSIDE. Hopefully this will encourage them to smoke *less* and therefore smell less. Make them wash their hands and attack them with Febreeze when they come back inside. Febreeze actually does help with cigarette smoke smell. I offered to pay for my mom's nicotine gum if she would try it to stop smoking (although she wound up using a different method). Some people use this temporarily when they can't smoke--would your parents?

When you go to their house, I would go to a hotel. Cigarette smoke gives me migraines. My mom never believed me (because I grew up with the smoke and didn't have them then) but now she gets them too around smoke. A good air purifier will help. Febreeze helps. I honestly avoided going to my mom's house because it smelled so bad. I told her we wouldn't bring the grandchildren there. After she stopped, she got remarried and moved. When they were trying to sell her house, they had to repaint the walls and ceilings because of the stains from cigarette smoke. There was a thick coating on the television and the wood cabinets, etc. It's really rather disgusting and she *never* noticed when she was smoking!

Good luck!

Anna
Mama to Gracie (Sept '03)
and a BOY! (coming July '05)

[TahliasMom]

Your house, your rules. When your mom or SIL visits and goes out for a smoke far away from the house, not only have them wash their hands and take some breath mints, but make them change their clothes before they can hold DD. If they don't like it, they can leave. This has always been my rule with smokers and most people oblige. And this is the main reason my DH quit.
As for visiting your parents, tell them that you will be staying in a hotel because you don't want the baby around the smoke. If they want you to stay there, then they have to at least air out the house and not smoke in it while you two are there.
Just my 2 cents.

[C99]

You have cause for concern. At the ped's office, they always ask me if there is a smoker in the house w/ the baby. I am sure there is a medical reason for this!

When Nate was a baby, a friend of mine came over to meet him. She is a smoker. I asked her to wear a clean shirt or sweatshirt (which I lent to her) over her clothes while she held the baby, since her shirt smelled of cig smoke. She happily complied. Can you do something similar while your mom and SIL are around?

[jasabo]

No one is allowed to smoke in my house. No exceptions. It disgusts me and I won't bend the rules for anyone. If they want to smoke, they can go in the backyard, far away from the door and I won't let the kids out there when they're smoking. People have always understood.

We stay in a hotel when we visit people who smoke. Again - no exceptions...I can't imagine trying to get comfortable and sleeping in a house that reaks of smoke. I've been very honest about this and if people get their feelings hurt, that's life. Sorry to sound blunt - I smoked back in my 20's so I've got that "reformed smoker/holier then thou" attitude ;)

Second-hand smoke is very dangerous and I won't expose my kids to it. Our health comes before anything else. I'm sure your family will understand. Just be honest about it, in a polite way of course.

Lisa - mom to 2 yr old twin boys

[egfmba]

I have to respectfully disagree with some of the previous posters. Studies have recently come out indicating that even smokers who go outside to smoke and come back in with smoke on their clothes/hands/person can harm baby.

DS is 3 yrs old, and just before he was born, I read these studies. I asked my mom (who spends a lot of time around smokers & sometimes smokes herself) to take a shower before coming to visit DS. She didn't come to visit as often as I'd hoped she would, but I feel it's more her loss than mine or DS's (and she mentions her regret that she and DS aren't closer now).

I think you should do as one pp said and research this more before deciding what to do. Secondhand smoke in any form is dangerous to a newborn, and it's better to be fully informed before you make a decision.

In any event, when I did approach my mom about this, I just mentioned that recent studies showed blah blah blah and I wanted to be sure that DS was healthy and happy as I could make him. I know she wants the same thing, and I trusted her to care for my child. She didn't seem offended (I think she didn't come to visit as often because it was too much trouble to go to her friend's, go home, take a shower, get dressed and come all the way over here every time she thought about visiting DS). Like I said, didn't bother me; my only concern was DS.

Good luck with whatever route you take. Just remember to ask yourself if you'll regret whatever decision you'll make and then make a decision you won't regret. Trust yourself. You already know what's best; now you just need to decide how to get there! :)

[amp]

Obviously, you want to limit/disallow anyone who smokes to be around your child. But that's easier said than done. I guess I'd approach it early, as others have suggested, and let them know up front that you are NOT comfortable with the lingering smoke on their clothes as they hold your baby. And I would get a hotel when visiting and let them know up front that you will not be hanging out at their house where it is smoky and you guys can meet at neutral places. Heck, they may hate it, and they may get mad, but I've found that as a mom, we're not here to make the popular decision, but rather the decision that is in the best interest of our children. Who knows, maybe they'll actually try quitting. I quit nearly 10 yrs ago, so I'm not at all open to the belief that they "can't quit. It's too hard" crud.

Handle it now, before baby is here, and then stick to your guns!

[sntm]

I can tell you that in med school we counseled our asthma kids' parents that even if they smoke outside, they have to change their clothes because the residual contaminents on the clothes can trigger asthma.

My sister smokes and I would have her wear a shirt over her clothes that she would take off when she came back inside, and she would have to wash her hands. I do stay at her house when we visit, but she has an air purifier that takes care of most of the smell. Staying at a hotel is not unreasonable though.

IMO (both personally and professionally) if someone chooses to smoke, then they must also acknowledge the consequences of that choice and how it can affect other people. Smokers who get offended when other people are protecting their health or just plain don't like the smell do so without justification.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
shannon
not-even-pregnant-yet-overachiever
trying-to-conceive :)
PREGNANT! EDD 6/9/03
mama to Jack 6/6/03
http://www.gynosaur.com/assets/ribbons/ribbon_sapphire_24m.gif[/img][/url]
Breastfeeding 2 years & counting

[KBecks]

I was wondering about the residual smoke / smell, and if it is harmful, then you will want to ask your family members to wash their hands and do something about their clothes.

Be firm but polite about the rules. If they want to hold the baby, they need to follow your rules. Period.

I'd recommend discussing this with your pediatrician and get their input, and I like Shannon's plan of putting on clothes for smoking and then taking them off, or putting on a fresh layer of clothes on top of the other ones -- like a thick sweatshirt or something - to block the smokiness.

Just don't turn it into a moral debate about smoking with them. They make their choices, but you also get to make yours for the baby.

Good luck,

[Rachels]

I have asthma and migraines, and I know that the smell of smoke on someone's clothes is plenty to trigger an attack of either one. I don't let anyone smoke anywhere near my house or my child, and I sent a babysitter home once when she arrived smelling of smoke. I'm not apologetic about it, either. The health risks of smoking are well-documented and overwhelming. I won't put Abigail's health (or mine, for that matter) behind someone else's comfort.

ETA: By comfort, I mean in the sense of manners. I mean that I won't jeopardize our wellness in order to avoid rippling the waters about someone else's dangerous behavior.

-Rachel
Mom to Abigail Rose
5/18/02
New baby coming in October!
(Holy smokes, it's a boy!!!)


"When you know better, you do better."
Maya Angelou
http://www.gynosaur.com/assets/ribbons/ribbon_amethyst_36m.gif
Nursed for three years!

[jasabo]

Wow, I didn't realize that smoke on clothes can be harmful. That's scary! I'm glad that you posted this. Thankfully we don't have to deal with this very often - all of our smoking friends and family members live out of state and don't come here very often. I thought making them smoke in the backyard was a good decision, but now I won't even allow that. Also, we're going back east to visit family next month and a few of them smoke. Your info just reinforces my decision to stay in a hotel and not to go to the smokers' houses at all (none of them have air purifiers and it's disgusting). Thanks Shannon!

Lisa - mom to 2 yr old twin boys

[Melanie]

You are right to be concerned, especially if YOU have long-term health issues. I also grew up in a partially-smoke-infested home, so I really do understand where you are coming from.

It's not good for you, baby, or them. However if you want to take the easier route, just blame it on the pediatrician. If you want to be honest about it, go ahead and ask your pediatrician the same question you asked us first. LOL.

I was told that these days they do not just want smokers outside the home, but they want them to thoroughly wash up AND change their shirt or jacket before holding the baby.

As far as visiting relatives - yes, that is what you need to do (get a hotel room). I know it's inconvenient, but it happens. We have had to do the same when visiting smoking relatives (and it doesn't help that the smokers I know seem to have an aversion to fresh air and live like cave-dwellers). It's expensive, so we could visit less. Guess what happened? The relative QUIT smoking!

You are the mother now, you must do what you have to to protect your child. Just try to tread gently so it doesn't turn into them feeling like you are attacking their choices as a parent (when you were young). There is so much more information available now, you just can't turn your head, but they didn't know much then.

Good Luck and Congratulations!

Edited for clarification.

[Melanie]

You are right to be concerned, especially if YOU have long-term health issues. I also grew up in a partially-smoke-infested home, so I really do understand where you are coming from.

It's not good for you, baby, or them. However if you want to take the easier route, just blame it on the pediatrician. If you want to be honest about it, go ahead and ask your pediatrician the same question you asked us first. LOL.

I was told that these days they do not just want smokers outside the home, but they want them to thoroughly wash up AND change their shirt or jacket before holding the baby.

As far as visiting relatives - yes, that is what you need to do (get a hotel room). I know it's inconvenient, but it happens. We have had to do the same when visiting smoking relatives (and it doesn't help that the smokers I know seem to have an aversion to fresh air and live like cave-dwellers). It's expensive, so we could visit less. Guess what happened? The relative QUIT smoking!

You are the mother now, you must do what you have to to protect your child. Just try to tread gently so it doesn't turn into them feeling like you are attacking their choices as a parent (when you were young). There is so much more information available now, you just can't turn your head, but they didn't know much then.

Good Luck and Congratulations!

Edited for clarification.

[muskiesusan]

My mom smokes, period. She has for the last 55 years and it is something that my siblings and I just have to accept. We all hate it, and when she is at our houses, she smokes outside. I don't ask her to change her clothes or wear a special jacket as one it would devastate/humiliate her to even be asked, but also it wouldn't make that much of a difference. She smokes so much it is part of her being, she smells of smoke fresh out of the shower. She is totally unware of her smell, shockingly, and b/c everyone smokes where she is from, doesn't fully "get" why others have a problem with it. She does try to be considerate, which I am grateful for as my dad was not when he smoked around us.

When we go to her house, we try to stay elsewhere, but that isn't always possible. It is easier now that she is a day trip away, but when my dad was alive, who also was a chain smoker, it was more complicated as they lived 4 hours away. She does smoke in her house when we are there, but it is her house.

It is hard, but I have to balance wanted my kids and I to have a relationship with my mom. I don't justify her smoking, but she has had a very hard life and although she knows we don't like her smoking, we are going to push it. We don't see her often, so I personally feel that the risks are low that my kids would be harmed by visiting her or her visiting us. She also came and helped me after my babies were born.

Maybe I would feel differently if it didn't involve my mom, but not much I can do.


Susan
Mom to Nick 10/01
& Alex 04/04

[muskiesusan]

My mom smokes, period. She has for the last 55 years and it is something that my siblings and I just have to accept. We all hate it, and when she is at our houses, she smokes outside. I don't ask her to change her clothes or wear a special jacket as one it would devastate/humiliate her to even be asked, but also it wouldn't make that much of a difference. She smokes so much it is part of her being, she smells of smoke fresh out of the shower. She is totally unware of her smell, shockingly, and b/c everyone smokes where she is from, doesn't fully "get" why others have a problem with it. She does try to be considerate, which I am grateful for as my dad was not when he smoked around us.

When we go to her house, we try to stay elsewhere, but that isn't always possible. It is easier now that she is a day trip away, but when my dad was alive, who also was a chain smoker, it was more complicated as they lived 4 hours away. She does smoke in her house when we are there, but it is her house.

It is hard, but I have to balance wanted my kids and I to have a relationship with my mom. I don't justify her smoking, but she has had a very hard life and although she knows we don't like her smoking, we are going to push it. We don't see her often, so I personally feel that the risks are low that my kids would be harmed by visiting her or her visiting us. She also came and helped me after my babies were born.

Maybe I would feel differently if it didn't involve my mom, but not much I can do.


Susan
Mom to Nick 10/01
& Alex 04/04

[candybomiller]

When Matt was born, I didn't visit my Mom much because she was a smoker and I was definitely "holier than thou." She was killed when
Matt was six months old. Believe me, I definitely have regrets about how I handled the situation. I realize now that it should have been more important to me that Matt have a relationship with him Grandma. Now I let him visit my sister who smokes whenever he wants. She is one of his very favorite people and it's more important to me that they have a close relationship rather than worrying about the smoke he's exposed to. I should mention that she doesn't smoke when he's near, it's more the smoke in her clothes, etc. Also, she doesn't smoke in either her house or mine.

[g-mama]

Candy,

I can relate. My mom was a heavy smoker and I hated it. I couldn't stand to have the smell around me and when I had my first child, I rarely visited her because I didn't like the smell of her house or the chance that he was being exposed to the air even though she'd smoke outdoors if we came.

2.5 years ago, my mom died (of lung cancer) and I wish I hadn't let the smoking get in the way of her having a stronger relationship with my ds. My feelings about smoking haven't lessened, in fact they're stronger since smoking essentially killed my mom, but I just wish I had that time back because the smoking truly was a hindrance to my visiting more often.

It's everyone's personal decision though, and maybe the relationship you have with the smoker in question might influence that decision.


Kristen
Paolo 11-00
Benjamin 8-03
and a third one coming in december '05!

[Judegirl]

I just wanted to second (third?) the opinion re. the damage about cigarette smoke on clothes and hands; I've read several studies also that have found that nicotine is passed into the skin from the skin or clothes of a smoker. It's not just the smoke.

My SILs smoke, and I won't let them babysit dd for that reason, or hold her when they come in from a smoke. I try to wait at least an hour for some of the scent (and hopefully nicotine) to dissipate.

Good luck,
Jude

[geochick]

My dad smokes. When we fly to visit him with my ds we stay at a hotel near his house. I sent him a nice letter stating that we are concerned about SIDS and don't want to take any chances. We said, "we're sure you understand." We also asked him not to smoke in the car or indoors when the baby was around. Good luck.

[mharling]

> It's everyone's personal decision though, and maybe the relationship you have with the smoker in question might influence that decision.

I agree, Kristen. Both of dh's parents smoked; MIL passed away when Lane was 7 months old and FIL had prostate cancer. He was in very poor shape and Lane was honestly the brightest spot in his life at that point. I tried to limit the exposure as best I could, but there was no way I was going to deny FIL the opportunities he had to spend time with his only grandson. He passed away almost a year a go and got to play with Lane within 12 hours of dying. I don't regret any of it for a minute.

And to he OP, dh smokes cigars. I make him go to the garage, block the area under the door, change his clothes, wash his hands/brush his teeth when he comes in and take a bath or shower before bed. I had thought this would be enough of a deterrent for him to quit, but no dice. }(

Mary - Some days work. Some days don't.
Lane - April 2003
Faye - March 2005