Are you able to communicate with your inlaws?

[kelly ann]

I mean communicate in a common language! I know some folks have communication issues with their inlaws even if they use a common language.

My issue is that the inlaws just don't feel comfortable speaking English with me. Therefore, I am constantly being excluded from conversations and I feel completely ignored when they are here. DH keeps telling them to speak english to me, but they just don't do it. I know they can speak some because they have lived in the U.S. for over 30 years...much of that running a grocery store.

It doesn't bother me as much if we are visiting them, but I get so upset when they visit us in our home and I just sit there in complete confusion as to what is being said. It so hard to feel like an outsider in your own home...plus I am a nosy person and I want to know what is being said :)

Now, MIL wants to watch DD, but I don't feel comfortable since I cannot communicate my wishes to her and she cannot tell me how the day went for DD. Any solutions for me? DH does try to translate or initiate english conversations, but they are very stubborn people :( Oh, learning their language is not option either...I have tried, but it is not an easy one to pick up. DH is not even that fluent in the language so I think half the time they don't understand him!

[dr mom]

Honestly, my take on this is that it's not really an issue about language, but a power struggle that your in-laws are waging.

I think it is rude in the extreme to deliberately have conversations in front of you that you can't understand, and then to refuse to speak English when politely asked to do so. It would be different if they *couldn't* speak English, but having run a grocery store and raised a son who is fluent in English but not their native language, they have evidently mastered at least the basics.

Maybe it's a pet peeve of mine, but personally if I decided to live in another country for 30 years I would feel obligated to learn the language - be it French, Spanish, Arabic, Chinese or whatever. It's more than just a communication issue - what if DD gets hurt or sick? Will your MIL "stubbornly" refuse to speak English to call 911, or talk to a doctor?

I think it would be wonderful if MIL wanted to speak her native language to your DD so that she could learn both and grow up bilingual, but this sounds like a different situation altogether. Your in-laws are being inconsiderate and rude, and DH needs to stand up for you and explain that, in your house, everyone will speak in English so that you aren't left out.

[amp]

No, but we do all speak the English language. Too bad it hasn't positively impacted our ability to relate to one another.

Sorry, that wasn't very helpful, was it?

I just feel like an outsider in my own home and I can hear everything they are saying. IL's do have a way, when they want to, of making you feel most unwelcome in their family and their life. Sorry yours won't make more of an effort to speak your language and include you.

[tny915]

I don't speak with my MIL very much. She's been here 40 years and can speak English fine but prefers to speak Chinese to DH, even when I'm around. I took Chinese in college in an attempt to learn and can now understand the gist of their conversations, but I hardly ever chime in and when I do, I speak English. MIL doesn't make a tremendous effort to talk to me and doesn't seem to expect me to talk to her, and I'm fine with that. When we used to have dinner together (DH's parents, his brother's family and I) they would all have their family discussion and I would sit in silence and eat, or watch that TV that was always on. Or SIL and I would just have a side conversation since she didn't speak Chinese either. For YEARS, IL's would tell me to speak Chinese and I'd just smile and tell them, "At least I understand some."

So nope, I don't really communicate with my in-laws. But for some reason it doesn't bother me. I think I'd be a lot more irritated with MIL if we spoke regularly.

On a side note, my parents speak a different dialect of Chinese from MIL, and they're teaching DD some words in this dialect. MIL constantly tells us we should teach DD Chinese, and I have to remind her that DD DOES speak some Chinese. Just because it's not MIL's dialect doesn't mean it's not Chinese. Sheesh. And my parents DO make a point to speak English to DH.

[kelly ann]

The power struggle idea is very thought provoking...wouldn't surprise me though! I definitely have concerns about what happens if DD is sick. I keep telling DH that unless she proves to me that she can communicate in english to me, then I don't feel comfortable with her taking care of DD on a regular basis. Who would she call if DD was sick and DH was unreachable???

[kelly ann]

Terri-

You definitely know how I feel - I have had many of meals wishing I could see a tv!!! I was fine with not knowing what was being said until we had children. Then I realized the children will be in the dark as much as me. Of course, soon the ILs will be outnumbered once the 2 kids start chatting away.

I also took a class with DH to learn their language (an Asian language), but it is really hard to pick up. As a side note, my grades were just as good as DH :)

[TraciG]

OMG I know EXACTLY how u feel !!!!!!!!!!!!!! My in-laws speak Farsi they're Persian. Yep I sit there like an idiot while they all have a converstaion, my MIL can speak english but doesn't feel comfortable doing it. I ask my DH or one of my SIL's what they're talking about, the worst is on FRiday night when there are a lot of relatives there & they're all laughing at something while we're eating dinner & you're just sitting there, if you're told after u feel funny because everyone is looking at u to see if u think it's funny .

I have complained often to my DH even cried over it, it's uncomfortable the RARE times my parents are with DH 's family because they feel uncomfortable & think it's so rude ( which it is ).

Wow she really cant speak to u at all ? I My MIL barely talks tome but she can, I always feel like she doesn't like me.

I guess if u dont feel comfortable dont have her watch your daughter, I dont like my in-laws to watch Sydney because I feel , especailly my MIL that they dont listen to me, like they dont care when Sydney goes to bed or naps, UGH

[tny915]

Yeah, I understand. I think it may also be a bit of an Asian cultural thing about how sons are valued more than daughters. As daughters-in-law, we're joining THEIR family so they don't need to accommodate us, we need to accommodate them. That's a very simplified extreme, but sometimes I feel it fits. If I have anything sensitive MIL needs to know (i.e., reasons why we nurse, CIO, etc.) I have DH explain it to MIL in Chinese. That way I'm never the bad guy.

Just curious, but do they speak their native language to your DS and DD, or do they speak English? My MIL speaks English to DD since that's for the most part all DD understands. MIL will also speak in my parents' dialect the words DD knows. It's funny to hear, b/c I think she's always thought my famiy's dialect was inferior to hers, yet now she's forced to use it. She does try to speak a little Chinese to DD, but DD's not picking any of it up since MIL's not around very much.

And yes, I agree that you have no reason to let MIL watch DD until she proves she can communicate, with you and with others in case of emergency.

Good luck!

[kelly ann]

She speaks to the children in english. It is simple english, but I can understand her.

That is so true about the son vs daughter. DH told me that when the daughter marries off, that she is now the responsibility of her husband's family. I do respect their culture, but lately I feel like a doormat. Next time they visit, I am just going to be blunt and tell them to speak english in my house.

Another friend of mine has often felt like her inlaws consider her house the husband's house not the husband's and wife's house. I wonder in the ILs feel that way as well. Just the other day, MIL put a picture of the new pope up on the mantle and DH yelled at her and told her it is my house and she should be asking me if I want the picture of the pope on the mantle. Ummmm...that picture came down right away!

[buddyleebaby]

I have been in your situation and I know how frustrating it can be.
I used to have to speak Spanish all the time, and while I am somewhat fluent, it is more difficult for me to follow a conversation between 6 people than it is to speak to one person.

Since DD came along, my MIL has made much more of an effort. I guess she figures I might just stick around.
Sometimes she speaks Spanish and I answer in English and that works for us.

I'm sorry you're going through this. I know it makes me so sad and angry. I wish I had advice for you, but I don't really. I would just talk as much as you can to your dh when they are there (in English of course). That would at least prevent them from having a long conversation without you being somewhat included.
Also have dh make a point of translating for you after every sentence.
If they can't speak English they will be glad you are being included.
If they can they'll get sick of hearing everything twice and switch over (maybe). It's worth a shot.

ETA: I got in an argument with my MIL about this once. She said something like " Americans want everyone to learn English but they don't try to speak Spanish." (In Spanish) To which I replied "First of all, there are millions of bi-lingual Americans, and second of all, it would be impossible to learn the native language of every ethnic group in America because there are so many. That's why we use English as a common language." Then she said "But why doesn't everyone learn Spanish?" and I said "If we lived in Colombia, we would. I wouldn't expect everyone in Colombia to speak English just because that's what I spoke."
You should have seen her face. It was as if, honestly, the thought had never occured to her.

[alkagift]

Hang in there, Kelly Ann. My DS's immediate grandparents aren't the issue (my FIL has a very heavy accent but he's understandable), but my FIL's family is. They are wonderful, but when we visit them in South America I sit there like a lump. I do try, but it's awful. They all have lived in the US at one time or another and can speak English, but they don't. I don't really blame them, I'm the guest in their country, but I've felt completely excluded during an entire week's vacation. I totally have felt like you do, although I realize it would be more painful if it were in my home and frequently!

My only suggestion is to interrupt as much as you can and ask for a translation. Hopefully you will become such a pest ;) that they will speak to you more in English. At least try it during dinner or coffee, whenever you really can't be somewhere else.

Allison
Mommy to Matthew, who is TWO!