Am I really terrible for wanting DS's first Bday to be just us?

[emelsea]

My parents live about 7-8 hours away and are already talking about coming down for DS's first birthday. They want to be here ON his birthday.

I don't know why, but for some reason, I want this day for ourselves: my DH, stepson and me. I don't care if they come the next day (his Bday is on a Friday, so they can come down on Saturday), but I don't wnat to share his Bday. Is that wierd? I feel like this has been our journey, my parents have only seen him a couple of times (their choice), and I want to celebrate this milestone as a family (meaning the 4 of us).

How should I tell them w/o being too bithy? I can tell you now, they will be bent out of shape, because I felt the same way at Christmas and they were mad. I ask myself if it is worth it to have them be mad and then make their pointed remarks when they do get here (at Christmas they kept saying things like "It's not really Christmas anymore, but here is your present).

[mudder17]

No it's not weird! I actually spent Kaya's b-day with just her and me (DH was out of town), but even if he had been here, I would not have thrown a party on her birthday. We did have a get together with her baby sitter and her baby sitter's DH the weekend after, but on her b-day it was just me and her. It was kind of nice, although if my parent had wanted to show up, I wouldn't have prevented them.

What you could do is this--tell them that you've already made plans for the four of you on Friday, but you'll throw a little celebration on Saturday that you would love them to come to.

ETA: I am coming from a different perspective though. Our family is scattered all over the place and would have to fly to get here. If they told me they wanted to fly out here the day before her birthday so they could celebrate, I would welcome them, as I don't get to see them very much. For me, celebration is about family, so I wouldn't mind them being here for it.

Anyway, I guess I'm a little wishy washy on the subject, since DH and I get along with our in-laws very well, we love getting together with them, but we also don't see them very often because they live so far away. We might see them 2-4 times a year, depending on who they are.

Eileen

http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/candle.gif for Leah

http://www.gynosaur.com/assets/ribbons/ribbon_gold_12m.gif , 17 months & counting


http://tickers.baby-gaga.com/t/catcatcvi20040222_4_Kaya+is.png

[goodnightmoon]

I feel the same way. DH's sister had a big party for her daughter's 1st birthday. I remember thinking at the time that when I had children I'd want it to be just our family. Now that I have my own dd, I definitely want it to be a calm, personal and special day for just DH and me to share with our little girl.

I agree with the PP about how to tell them. If you say that you have plans for the actual day but are having the party the next day (I'd make it sound like that is the major event even though it's not), maybe they won't get too bent out of shape.

Laura
mommy to Eva Marie 2/16/05

Edited to add another thought

[HannaAddict]

This is not weird at all. You have your own new little family and want to have your special memories, traditions, time together. It is perfectly reasonable to celebrate with in-laws on Saturday. This is your baby's birthday, MIL and FIL had their own kids. If they are mad, tough. The world does not revolve around their needs or wants (despite what my MIL thinks!). We had my son's b-day on Friday with just us, very low key. Then had a pretty big party on Saturday. In-laws were the only ones pouting that they had to "share" his b-day party with our other family and friends. Your in-laws need to grow up and you should do what you want to do and just ignore their snarky comments. Maybe we have the same in-laws? :)

Kimberly
DS 3/18/04

[laretce6]

Not at all. My DH has to be away for DDs birthday and DD and I will be in PA with my family so I'll have to have others there, but if I had my choice it would just be the three of us like it was when she came into the world :-) We're having a large (ish) party of about 20 people, but not until about 2 weeks past the big day when DH gets home.

Caroline
Mama to Eleanor Katherine 8.2.04

[toomanystrollers]

Quick question, is DS your parents' only grandchild?

[emelsea]

Yes, he is their first, and probably only.

[emelsea]

Unfortunately, these are not my in-laws, but my own parents. If my MIL were still alive, I'd be happy to have her here. I can't explain it. My mom and dad are both so controlling, I guess I'm afraid that they will try to run the show.

I don't know. It is all giving me bad flashbacks of when he was born, and I asked them to give me (us) 2 weeks to get to know each other as a family before they converged, and they were here the day after I got home from the hospital. I was having trouble breastfeeding and my mom was so unsupportive, and DS was so new to me. Anytime I wanted to try to nurse, I had to take the baby upstairs and hide in my bedroom, and that seemed to be every 15 minutes, so I felt like I was on punishment the whole time they were here. Still do whenever they are around. Finally, that evening, my DH went downstairs and told them they had to leave in the morning.

They haven't learned. Instead of saying "we'd like to come visit in August, when is a good time?", they just ANNOUNCE when they are arriving.

When we were up in NY visiting them last month, dad kept saying (IMO) mean, uncalled for things about DS nursing. For example, during a party at his house where my extended family was meeting DS for the first time, he was saying things like "Oh, she'll stop nursing the first time he bites her!" (he has been saying that for a while). In fact, everytime he calls, he asks me if Gunnar has bit me yet. It is getting SO ANNOYING!!

I have hives (honestly) just thinking about it, and that's not how I want to remember his first birthday.

[HannaAddict]

Sorry, I must have just seen "in-laws" since that is the general MO of this genre of post!

I'm so sorry that you are having to deal with this. Don't worry (I know, easier said than done) and do what you feel is right. Can you enlist your hubby to be the "heavy" and tell them you are not available on Friday? I'm just really sorry you have to endure this. The only thing that works, in my experience, is setting boundaries and maintaining them. My in-laws lay off of us for the most part (at least to our face!) because they know they won't get their way. But they still torment and push around my SIL and BIL, because my BIL/SIL keep trying to accomodate them. I hope you have the special first birthday you want for your family and don't let trying to please others ruin it for you!! Take care!

Kimberly
DS 3/18/04

[zen_bliss]

ugh. been there. given their history, this sounds like a good time to draw some boundaries so you don't keep getting hives! truly, the earlier you do this, the better. they'll adjust. this is your family now. the grandparents are much loved, but have to learn that YOU make the decisions for your family, whether about feeding, education, vaccinations, and holidays.

the IL grandparents converged on us for DD's birthday this year, with little notice. DH and i had wanted the day to ourselves, then a day with my extended family (local), and a small party with her friends. well, the first two never happened and the last was way postponed because she got sick while they were here and ran through a few viruses back to back (i blame the ILs, lol). so, i learned the important lesson that i should have simply said 'that's not a good weekend for us. we're looking forward to seeing you, let us know another time that will work!" and stood my ground. "we already have plans that day. a first birthday is so much fun, we're going to keep celebrating! we'll be thrilled to make X day a special grandparents day."

good luck. there will griping and probably passive aggressive manipulation, but they'll eventually have to deal. sometimes grandparent discipline is as rough as toddler discipline!