Any control freaks out there: how do you let go of control?

[kaylinsmommy2]

Help me be a better mom/person! :) How can I relax more about everything? What has worked for you? When DD makes a big mess (throwing food, flinging her yogurt onto me, the floor, and the chair, etc) or when DH *tries* to help incorrectly, how can I relax and let it go? It might be PMS, because, at least for DD, I'm usually pretty relaxed about it. I know it's a good learning experience and fun for her to play with her food or explore on her own (e.g. walking in the complete opposite direction from me), but it can also be frustrating sometimes. Plus, it seems to be getting worse as she approches 14 monhts...

Similarly, what to do when DH *helps* by putting DD's clothes on backwards (again) or ignores her nap schedule or doesn't wipe her butt clean after a diaper change? When do you let go and when do you not?

Any good "relax, it's not a big deal" mantras that might be especially helpful especially as your quiet comparitively easy babies turn into toddlers who won't listen? ;)
Caroline
Kaylin 6/5/04

[amp]

I dunno. But if you figure out the secret, can you share it with me? I've let a lot go since having a kid, but I'd be a much happier person if I could let more stuff go and just not stress about it. I make myself crazy!

[COElizabeth]

Well, the thing that has helped me the most with relaxing about the house is hiring a cleaning service to come every other week! I used to get so annoyed when DH would get herbs and spices all over the stove while cooking (I swear he gets more on the stove than in the dish sometimes!) or when he'd heat a plate of food in the microwave without covering it. Since I do want him to cook, I have to be careful not to get too mad about it, lol. Now that I have the service I can decide whether to clean it up well or just wait a few more days until the service comes!

As far as his clothing the kids goes, unless it's a special event or other picture-taking occasion, I don't say a word about what he dresses them in, even if it's too small or doesn't match or whatever. I will ask him to put a hat and sunscreen on DS if I think he might have forgotten, but the fashion sense I don't worry about. For naptimes I would probably let him learn the hard way, like DH did recently when he gave James a caffeine-laden soda!

Elizabeth, Mom to James, 9-20-02
and Charlotte, 11-04-04

[kensjen]

Well, it is hard, and I do have a control freak personality. But I have gotten better.

First, I have lowered my expectations. Things are not going to be the way I want them to be, no matter how hard I try. So I have relaxed a bit with cleaning, organizing, etc. I also have realized that I can't cook dinner every night, or at least the kind of dinner I want to cook. Those kind of things.

Also, I delegate. I have found that DH can help me with things if I tell him what to do and how to do it. Of course, it may not be how I would have done it (LOL, LOL) but that goes back to lowering my expectations. (does it really matter if the napkins are folded a certain way and if Jonah's milk is in a certain sippy....nah, not really...but it still bugs me.....hehe)

As for what to do with DHs helping and what to let go....I have tried very hard to let things go unless they are important for DS's health or safety. So, if the clothes are on backwards, hey, at least he's dressed! And if he is at least changing a diaper, I won't comment on his lack of wiping. I'd only mention the nap schedule if it affects something later, like if he won't go to bed on time, I will say, "Well, that is because he took his nap late." That way I am just not nagging about every little thing. If I do that, he will just start to tune me out. So I only make a big deal about the important things...like if he isn't really watching Jonah and there is something dangerous nearby, or if he is trying to feed him popcorn or some other choking hazard...that kind of stuff. My DH is great, he really is, but I do have to stop myself from commenting on the daily stupid stuff he does. It is so HARD, but I find that he helps much more if he feels appreciated. (so comment when he does do something right, positive reinforcement works!)

I know where you are coming from and it is hard. And unfortunately, it does get harder in the toddler years. Make some time for yourself....relax in the tub, read, whatever makes you feel better...it will help you be a better mom. Take care of yourself as much as you can. And take care of your marriage. All of this is easier said than done, but I am telling you, it helps! I am slowly learning this!!

[lizamann]

I think it helps to weigh things out in my mind - the controlling aspects can be really damaging to the relationship, with both dh's and dc's. So is complaining about wearing a shirt backwards worth the possible damage to the relationship? I guess we all have to decide what's worth it. If the unclean butt resulted in a rash due to sensitive skin, I personally would try to prevent that by mentioning something. But if there were no consequences, then I would let it go. I guess that if things are just annoyances or minor embarassments (like "unusual" outfits) I am more likely to let them go than if they result in some harm, like a rash or unreasonably crankiness due to lack of sleep.

And as for toddlers not listening, well that is just a defining characteristic! I don't really expect mine to listen without direct physical redirection on my part. But I am sort of in a different boat than you because I see toddlerhood as a breath of easy fresh air after a difficult babyhood.

[Elilly]

Ummm, why do I have to let go?! LOL. Fortunately, or maybe unfortunately, DD has inherited some of my tendencies. She's a neat freak, won't eat if she has dropped food on the floor, likes all of her crayons pointed in the same direction etc. So, with her it wasn't really an issue. DS on the other hand is the true test for me. He's an absolute handful at just 10 months! I guess all of his health issues have put my life into perspective. We thought he had spina bifida at birth, then maybe CF at 3 months, now who knows what GI disorder. None of our docs can figure him out. So, all of the stuff that used to matter, is just fluff in my life now. This is the only reason that I have backed off in certain respects. I wonder, once things hopefully calm down with him, if I'll return to my old ways.

[jasabo]

Oh boy - the clothes...it never fails - EVERY single time dh dresses the boys, he somehow manages to put them in outfits that wouldn't match from a mile away.

I just bite my tongue, for the most part. They're two. And they're boys. It's not like people expect them to look like GQ models. Sometimes, though, I'll quietly change their clothes when I do a diaper change so they look a little better. Dh rarely notices. Also, I'll pick out their clothes and put them on the changing table on days when I want them to look nice, so dh knows to use those outfits.

Nap schedules are set in stone in our house. I don't budge on that. If it effects me in any way (i.e., cranky kids b/c they didn't sleep) then I put my foot down.

What's worked the best for me is to decide, before I open my mouth to complain/nag/snap, if it's a battle I want to fight. I do this with dh and also with the boys. You just have to decide what's important to you and if it's worth the potential hassle if you bring it up. Also, I try very hard to remind myself that the boys are learning by doing most of the things that irk me. That helps a lot. Oh, and you have to laugh. Laugh a lot. Find the humor in everything. Jimmy Buffet's line "If we couldn't laugh we would all go insane" is so true when it comes to raising kids.

Good luck. You're right - it just gets more "challenging" as they get older :)

Lisa - mom to 2 yr old twin boys

[dianna]

After years and years of driving myself CRAZY being a perfectionist and needing everything to be exactly the way I wanted it to be, I finally was given a book by a therapist who told me that perfectionism and being a control freak was really hurting my sanity.

The book is called "Too Perfect - When Being in Control Gets Out of Control" by Allan Mallinger. Its an easy read and I have been so much better ever since! It really helped me to learn how to let go of a lot of things. I highly recommend it!