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View Full Version : Totally OT and completely selfish: Should I expect to be in SIL's wedding?



babystuffbuff
08-11-2005, 07:34 PM
I found out today that my SIL (DH's youngest sister and the last in his family to get married) is engaged! Yay! (See my post in the B!tching forum about how DH knew since Sunday and didn't tell me!). I am so happy for her, her fiance is such a sweet, classy guy.

Anyway, SIL was a bridesmaid in my wedding last summer. Is it true that if you are a bridesmaid in someone else's wedding, they should ask you to be a bridesmaid when they get married? For the record, in our wedding almost all the bridesmaids and groomsmen were siblings. Bridesmaids: my sister, DH's three sisters, and DH's brother's wife. Groomsmen: DH's brother, 2 BILs and his two friends because we ran out of sibs. :)

My SIL has approximately a million friends, and I have no clue how she is going to pick. I know she will have her two sisters, but other than that I don't know. I love her dearly, and would be so honored to be in her wedding.

So should I expect an invitation, or should I prepare to sit in the audience at church? Told you it was a selfish question. :P

Sarah

ETA: I would in no way be offended if she didn't ask me. I was just wondering what the "protocol" was.

octmom
08-11-2005, 07:41 PM
I voted "Depends..." If she feels like she was in your wedding because she is the groom's sister, not as much b/c of your relationship with her, she may not ask you. She sort of has to ask her two sisters. If her fiancee has any sisters, she may feel obligated to ask them too. Depending on the size of her wedding party, you may be left out if she wants at least one or two of her best friends up there with her. Try not to feel too bad if she doesn't ask you to be a bridesmaid. As long as they don't exclude spouses/ significant others by doing a bridal party only table or something like that, it's not too big of a deal. You'll still be beside your DH in the family photos. :)

Best wishes to your SIL!

Jerilyn
DS, Sean 10/03

"Baby makes days shorter, nights longer, home happier, and love stronger."

emilyf
08-11-2005, 07:48 PM
I had one of my sils in our wedding, but not the other (her 2 boys were in it and figured that was enough stress for her). Now the sil who was in our wedding is getting married and I'm not in the wedding-much to my relief. Her wedding is only 2 weeks after my due date but truthfully I sort of feel done with the whole bridesmaid thing anyway.
Emily \r\nmom of Charlie born 11/02

jk3
08-11-2005, 07:52 PM
I think it would be appropriate of her to ask you to be in the wedding party. I think it is more important to include family members than friends. My SIL-to-be has a zillion friends - literally 9 close college friends, a slew of childhood friends, etc. - and she has been in most of their weddings. When they got engaged, I know I would've been hurt if she hadn't asked me to be in the wedding though I'm actually not thrilled to be a bridesmaid. I knew my DH would be in the wedding party and I thought that I should be too mainly due to the fact that a) I'm family and b) I didn't want my DS to ask at a later point why I wasn't a bridesmaid. Pathetic, I know!

Jenn
DS 6/3/03

http://lilypie.com/baby2/030603/2/5/1/-5/.png

HannaAddict
08-11-2005, 07:59 PM
Hi Sarah,
There is no etiquette rule or guideline that I know of that says if you had someone in your wedding, they should invite you to be in their wedding. I think sometimes it just works out that way if there is a close group of friends or close family. But, in my circle, it really hasn't worked out that way. So, if for some reason she doesn't ask you or doesn't have mostly family in her wedding party, please, please don't feel slighted or badly. :) It is good you posted here if you were thinking about this at all so you won't feel badly if she ends up having her friends instead. All these little potential landmines out there (possibly hurting feelings because of who is or is not invited/included/etc.) is why I really considered eloping!

If you aren't asked to be a bridesmaid think of how much fun you can have picking out your own fabulous dress too!! I hate being in the actual wedding FWIT. Even if I really adore the bride and groom. Hope it all works out.

Kimberly
DS 3/18/04

ribbit1019
08-11-2005, 08:00 PM
Personally I think she should ask you. Family before friends, but that is just my opinion. ;) Obviously I am sure you had friends that you may wanted to ask and didn't get to. But ultimately it is her wedding so try not to be hurt if you aren't asked. I had 9 (yes 9) bridesmaids and so far I have only been in one of their weddings.
Of course only 4 of them are married so you never know what will happen but 2 of them were married after me and they only had their sisters as their sole bridesmaid/maid of honor. So it didn't hurt too much.

Christy
Maddy - walking finally!

http://lilypie.com/baby2/040609/3/4/0/-5/.png
http://lilypie.com/days/060301/4/0/0/-5/.png

Rachels
08-11-2005, 08:02 PM
I don't think she's obligated, no. Weddings shouldn't be about obligations and returning favors-- they should be structured exactly the way you want them. I had a particularly dear friend in my wedding who didn't have me in hers. It wasn't a slight-- we just had different visions of how big we wanted our wedding parties to be and what roles we wanted friends vs families to play. IMO, weddings are a lot more joyous if you're focusing on the event at hand and not so much on keeping everything even all the time. As her family, you'll have lots of time to celebrate with her and to come through for her, whether you're in her wedding or not.

-Rachel
Mom to Abigail Rose
5/18/02
New baby coming in October!
(Holy smokes, it's a boy!!!)


"When you know better, you do better."
Maya Angelou
http://www.gynosaur.com/assets/ribbons/ribbon_amethyst_36m.gif
Nursed for three years!

jbowman
08-11-2005, 08:04 PM
I don't think she's obligated. I didn't ask either of my two future SILs to be bridesmaids (and I love them very much) nor did I ask some of my friends for whom I had served as a bridesmaid. I hope that nobody was offended, but in the end it was my decision (I am not trying to sound harsh, btw!).

I think that there are other ways to involve people you love besides asking them to be bridesmaids. One of my SILs and one of my best friends were readers at our wedding and I think they both really enjoyed that.

bostonsmama
08-11-2005, 08:24 PM
I had no idea family was supposed to be in your wedding party. Frankly, I think it's better if they're not! It's so much more enjoyable when friends are tasked to do the hard leg-work and last minute freaking out...family just get to love you through it and enjoy the party either you or your parents are throwing for the nuptuals. I know I didn't include my 2 brothers in the wedding party. I made them rent tuxes (which my parents paid for even though they're adults), but I didn't make them "stand up" with my DH. And, I don't have any sisters, and neither does my DH, so mostly it was just friends and a few relatives (his dad and bro, and my niece).

Unless you're leaping at the chance to pay hundreds of dollars for a dress you'll never use again and be subjected to bridezilla-ness, thank your lucky stars and hope she doesn't pick you. Then again, if you're really close, I'd totally understand being hurt since she was in your wedding, but like others, I don't see the even steven thing as necessary protocol.

Best wishes to your SIL, btw. Aren't weddings so romantic?

Larissa
who is still trying to give birth so she can have more to say

Momof3Labs
08-11-2005, 09:26 PM
One suggestion (I haven't read the other responses) - let her know that you'd be honored to help her out in any way. Leave it very open. My SIL actually thought that I didn't want to be in their wedding (my only brother) so hesitated to ask me because she thought that I would say no! It all had to do with a comment I had made years earlier about being glad not to be asked to stand up for an old college friend. No, I didn't want to be in the friend's wedding but I absolutely wanted to be in B&SIL's wedding!

But if she doesn't ask you, try not to be offended. It is still a special day for everyone, and only one day - your relationship with her will be forever!

hez
08-11-2005, 10:05 PM
I had 4 bridesmaids, and I have yet to be one. My maid of honor got married at Corolla with no attendants. Bridesmaid #2 will almost assuredly elope to Vegas if she ever settles down. The best man in #3's wedding was a very bad breakup in college for me, so I was glad not to be asked (and am sure that was the reason, which is legit). #4 is Indian and her ceremony was too beautiful for bridesmaids ;)

My sister and DH's sister played their flutes during our ceremony. I have no doubt that while Payton may be a ring bearer some day, I will be in neither of their weddings, and it's totally OK with me! However, if anyone throws a 'wear your ugliest bridesmaid dress' fundraiser like Neve did (or just talked about?!), I'll just have to volunteer to take tickets or something ;)

babystuffbuff
08-11-2005, 10:07 PM
Thanks, everyone. I think "obligated" was the wrong word to use. I know she doesn't *have* to ask me to be a bridesmaid, she's free to do what she wants. I guess I'm just hoping she will at least consider me. I have never been in a wedding, except as a flower girl when I was five. My sister is a long way from getting married and isn't sure she even wants to wed at all, and my brother is only five. By the time he gets married, I'll be ancient. :) I guess it's just hitting me that this could be my last chance to be a member of a wedding party, and it's something I've always wanted to do.

Ah, well, no more pity party. :) Lori, I will definitely let my SIL know that I would be happy to help in any way she wants. And I really would. Today, I sent her a box of wedding books that my BIL's wife sent me when I got engaged, since now it's SIL's turn to use them. It was nice to be passing them on, especially to such a special person in my life.

I love weddings. :)

Sarah