How do I change a birth certificate?

[Splash]

Oh gosh the drama!!
We never really talked about what Charlie's last name would be. I wanted to, don't get me wrong. But she wouldn't. She said we'd decide when he was born.
Well, when the lady came for the BC, I wasn't there. She filled it out. Argh! However, she DID put her last name, then my last name, but NO hyphen. Essentially she gave him both last names, as two last names, instead of as one hyphenated name. I was fine with that. I would have liked to have hers as his middle name, but I was okay with how she did it.
Her mother FREAKED. She REALLY went over the top. She said some very hurtful and inappropriate things and really was a b*tch over something that was NONE of her business. Then Jean got more upset than she already was (crash section instead of home birth, baby in NICU, boy instead of girl, etc) and decided to hyphenate it, my name-her name. THAT upset ME because she HAD said mine would be last. We just hadn't discussed where hers would fall.
SO, then she changed it back, AGAIN. But kept the hyphen. Her name-my name.
Her parents are still unhappy, her dad isn't talking to us... his problem, not ours.
Anyway, it's been eating at me since he was born, and we had a fight over it tonight. I do NOT want his name hypenated. I am EXTREMELY opposed to hyphenated last names (no offense meant, just how I feel) and I do NOT want my son having a hyphenated last name.
So she then just gave up, won't really have a conversation about it with me, and just told me to change it to whatever I want it. I don't want to do THAT, as in, have my way only, but I will.
My thinking is this- She put it down on his BC when I wasn't even there, as two separate last names. She only changed it to a hyphenated name because her mother freaked. I want it changed back to the way it was originally intended.
Now.... two questions really.
Question number one- How do I change it? Is there a cost involved? Do I need to do a ton of paperwork for a newborn?
Question number two- Does he really have both last names if it isn't hyphenated? Or does one fall into "middle name" territory?
Number three... okay, I lied, there are three. Am I being completely irrational? Am I making too big a deal over a hyphen?

Maybe this should have been a bitching post thread...

[lizajane]

i don't have answers. just sympathy. i am sorry. you shouldn't have to have this stress when you have a beautiful son to play with instead.

fwiw, my social security card reads "first middle maiden last" and they think maiden is my "last name" because i "didn't have a hyphen." whatever the heck that means. so just be extremely specific about what you want it to be if it doesn't all fit into the exact little categories.

and also fwiw, i agree with you. it should be your choice and mommy's choice. not grandmother's choice.

[JBaxter]

In Maryland you have 6 months to file a new name on the BC with out charge. I dont know what state you live in but I would call your vital statistics dept and ask. My DH filled out Nathans BC and listed himself as the father AND mother. I called to find out where the SSN was and I found out DH had also listed himself as mother & father on that form also. The BC had to be refiled with the state.
As for Charlie's name it is up to you two. If the hyphen was not the original intent then change it back Charlies grandmother doenst have to know.
Jeana

[MarisaSF]

Sorry that I can't offer more than sympathy here. Last name issues suck. I've finally decided it only matters to you what your/his/her last name is. Others will call you and write whatever they think it is or whatever they want it to be. My last name is hyphenated, but I agree, I wouldn't do that do my kid.
Congrats on the birth of your beautiful baby. I love his name! (And he will too no matter what comes at the end of it!)

[Melanie]

I had our marriage certificate amended, but they would not change it(I messed up on a parent's birth state) but the fee was nominal, just for an additional amended copy if I chose. Call your county or the office at the hospital who files it for you. Maybe it is still in their hands?

IMHO, if it's not hyphenated (and ITA with you about hyphens) it's a 2nd middle name. I don't know the Emily Post answer, though. LOL.

ITA that it should be the mommies' decisions, not grandma. Good luck to you both on agreeing and remember she's chalked full of PP hormones right now.

[american_mama]

I don't know if this will help at all, but I have two middle names and it's a bit of a pain. Some forms are simply not set up to do anything other than First Middle Last. I love my name, but my full name; I hate leaving part of it out. Not to stir the pot, but have you considered a blended last name, if it works with your names? Like last names Blackburn and Washington could become a new last name Washburn. Then everyone can be unhappy!

[buddyleebaby]

I think when the bc arrivs it should have an address in case you need to make a change.

I really think that this wouldn't be such a big deal if the two of you weren't new mommies on a new baby schedule. Sleep deprivation can make tiny things seem like such a big deal.
I would let things cool off a little and decide what you want to do when the birth certificate arrives. Your dh is FULL of hormones and probably still quite sore, and I'm sure the two of you are sleep deprived and stressed. Just enjoy your new darling baby.
In the long run, I bet the hyphen won't seem as important as it does now.

P.S. Ignore your dp's parents.

[goodnightmoon]

I'm sorry I don't have an answer to the first question, but I would like to respond to the others. I do not think you are being irrational at all. There can be a lot of problems/issues that are raised any time one partner does not automatically agree to take the other's name and then assign that name to all future children. I did not want to take DH's name and did not want to hyphenate. I actually kept my name after marriage, so our big 'last name discussion' (argument) came when our daughter was due. We finally agreed on his last name, then mine, not hypehenated and not one name as a middle then the other as a last. We've had no problems with DD's birth certificate, social security card, doctor's office files, etc. I will say that people tend to remember his last name more (her Peds records are filed under the 1st letter of his last name), but I'm OK with that because some people also drop his name thinking it's just an odd second middle name. We both get left out every once in a while. Big deal.

Sorry this is so long, but I think you should do what you and DP agreed on. Your opinion is what matters, not DP's mom's. You're Charlie's moms and will be the ones dealing with his name, his paperwork, etc.

I wish you luck. I remember being in your position.

Laura
mommy to Eva Marie 2/16/05

P.S. Congratulations again on your beautiful healthy baby boy! :)

[Java]

I have a friend whose last name is De Silva. Not two last names like Charlie's but sort of the same concept with two words being the last name, no hyphen. She had a hard time with school records being misplaced. Some paperwork would be under "D" the rest under "S" and then sometimes it would be under both letters so her file wasn't complete. So that's something to think about. On the other hand, I have friends who have never had any problems.

You're not being irrational - this is your child's name for the rest of his life and it's very important that you feel comfortable with it. Take some time to think about it, give Jean some time. Definitely let her know that it's none of her (or your) parents' beeswax. You are a family now - Jean and you and Charlie come first. Not grandma's wishes.

Out of curiosity, what DID her parents want?

Congrats on Charlie!

[Splash]

Her parents wanted hers, and hers only.
Her father has not spoken to us since they found out his last name. We've been over there twice and he has completely ignored us, and Charlie. Her mother made several comments about him having only one family and only one mother... oh wow that upet us both a lot. Her parents have always (we thought) been very accepting of everything. Now come to find out they think THIS?! But she apologized later for that comment. But she still believes he should have Jean's last name. If we want mine as a second middle (we DON'T) that's fine, but it should not be his last name.
She also thinks that if *I* give birth later on down the line (not likely) that the kid should have my last name... so our children should have different last names... no. OR, she thinks we should BOTH change our last names to one hyphenated name.
That I would agree to, but Jean won't.
I just think that right now, he has no one's last name. He's not "honoring" either family. With them separate, no hyphen, he has both. Sure, one of them will get dropped from time to time, but WE know what his name is. And so will he.
For the record... I think her mother is also upset because Charles David is my father's name. So, in her eyes, he has my father's complete name.
She also told my dad what his name is, which upsets me. When my dad was coming to the hospital, he ran into them in the lobby, and they told him his name. So, no one knew his name before he was born... we had kept it quiet because if it was a boy we wanted to tell my dad and surprise him. So, her parents got to be the one to tell him. They saw his reaction, we didn't. It just kinda bums me out because now I'll never know what his first reaction was. I feel a little cheated, if that makes any sense.
I don't know if it's a big deal or not. I think it is. I know that if we drop the hyphen, people will hyphenate it anyway all his life... but WE will know it's not there. I just hate hyphenated last names. He deserves the choice of what name to use, or both. With a hyphen, he's stuck with that long blob. And she has a very germanic last name which overpowers my poor little name no matter where it goes, so mine will probably always be the one dropped, hyphen or not :)
E

[khalloc]

I'm sorry that this happened to you. I would be upset that her parents told your dad the baby's name also. You guys should have been the ones to announce that to him.

I'm not a big fan of hyphenated names either. Or 2 last names. I think you and Jean should come to a decision on the last name together though. But if it were me I think I would settle for the using Jean's last name since the baby was named after your dad. I had a few friends growing up who had their dad's last name but their mom's had kept their maiden names. It wasn't a big deal.

Sorry that Jean's parents are acting like such jerks!

[hjdong]

I'm so sorry you're going through all of this. Not so much the name thing, not that that's fun, but that her mom would say such hurtful things.

[amp]

I think the name that shows last is the "last name" and anything else is just other middle names, or secondary names. If it's hyphenated, then it's the whole last name combo, but not without it.

[kransden]

I don't know if this helps, but this is the traditionally how two surnames are handled in hispanic cultures. Maybe it could work in your situation?
http://www.answers.com/topic/spanish-and-portuguese-names

Karin and Katie 10/24/02

[aliceinwonderland]

My name is officially my maiden name now, but when I become a citizen in the next year or so, it will be changed to Eri Maiden Married. I have no middle name and never had. My son is Erik James Maiden Married. So son and I have/will have the same last name.

Changing a name, if the birth certificate is official is a PAIN IN THE BUTT to do when it's not a name-changing occasion (marriage, birth, etc.). You have to go to a courthouse, publish somehting in the paper, et. I wanted to change it shortly after I got married, and then decided to wait till they offer me the chance at the citizenship interview because it was too much of a pain. So I hope the birth cert. is not final for now and you can still change it.

Edited to add that I FULLY INTEND to keep BOTh my names as LAST name and not have my maiden name delegated to middle name status. I will insist on this in business cards, email addresses, signatures, etc. This is very common now for women as well as men to have two last names. My son on the ohter hand, can do as he wishes...he will be brought up with both last names, as he is no more his father's son than he is mine, but if he choses to drop one (mine or his) when older, he is of course free to do so.

[aliceinwonderland]

The hyphen will not be dropped unless you or Charlie drop it!! I also wanted no hyphen and have the two last names with my little four letter name alongside a very strong sounding German last name. We are in a similar predicament, LOL. Sbut noone can change my name without me allowing it. Even at the doctor's office, or whatever, when they ask my son's name, I give them the full schpiel, every time. If they ask, i spell, and and "no hyphen". Am I a pain in the ass? Of course, but only we get to name our children, it;s our prerogative as parents!!

[californiagirl]

The hyphen is definitely not required in California, or at the federal level. Our daughter's last name is "Hisname Myname", space and all. No trouble with the birth certificate, or her passport, social security card, Australian citizenship, insurance, daycare registration, etc. etc. etc. Some systems have to have a hyphen added or the space omitted, not a big deal.

I say go for it.

[aliceinwonderland]

same here. We have a passport with both last names, etc.

[saschalicks]

I have two perspectives:
Scenario 1: my younger brother has two middle names and he hates it. He says there's never the right amount of space for both so he's either David Robert or David RJ, but his name is David Robert Joseph LastName
Scenario 2: I was never attached to my middle name, so when I got married I changed my middle name to my maiden name. I like you hate hyphenated names (sorry to those who have one). On all business and official transactions I use both names. I had a really hard time giving up my maiden name.

FWIW, we went through the same thing when DS was in utero. I didn't want DS to have DH's last name b/c I didn't like his father and I adore mine. I couldn't make my maiden name his middle name, b/c my maiden name is in no way a middle name. I then wanted a blended last name, but DH was apposed to it ALL! He wanted his last name. I finally conceded b/c I figured it's the way the world goes round. I know, way to stand my ground. The truth is my DH is a wonderful man and an even better father, so I made the right decision. Hey, my ultimate revenge is that DS looks exactly like me and people often look at DS and DH together and are just stumped :) I just wanted to say that in the end my parents had opinions and so did many other family members and it wasn't their decision to make. You and DP need to make this decision independently of your families. I feel you and hope you'll be able to make the right decision for you.

[kijip]

My husband and I both use a combo last name with no hyphen. So it is Katie myname hisname and he is Joshua myname hisname. Toby is simply Toby myname.

We really don't have a huge issue with it. My full last name is used. Sometimes people insert a hyphen but I don't care. All of our documents have the combo name with no hyphen. And no, my name is not our middle name. It is the first part of our last name. Sometimes we are misfiled under his name but that is rare. Most people correctly have us alphabetized by the first letter of the combo name.

Question number one- How do I change it? Is there a cost involved? Do I need to do a ton of paperwork for a newborn?

I don't know for Florida but here it is possble to get an ammended form.

Question number two- Does he really have both last names if it isn't hyphenated? Or does one fall into "middle name" territory?

See above. It is one combo last name.

Number three... okay, I lied, there are three. Am I being completely irrational? Am I making too big a deal over a hyphen?

I don't think that you are being unreasonable but I tend to think that the hyphen thing is not that big of a deal and I speak as someone who has the same name format as your son.

[HannaAddict]

I'm sorry for all the stress and drama over this situation. No fun. But, and this is somewhat OT, this situation would make me very nervous as the non-birth mother. I would run, not walk, to my attorney and get adoption proceedings under way to be added as his parent. If this is already taken care of, great. But with her parents' reaction, I would be scared to death of losing contact with my son and having no legal recourse (especially in the state you live) if the grandparents decided he should have "one family . . . one mother." I would also not make any special effort to go over to these peoples house and hope that they will come to their senses with some time.

Hang in there and just remember that Charlie is healthy and wonderful. In the long run it really won't matter what your dad's initial reaction was to finding out his name. I'm sure he's thrilled and it is a handsome name. Take care.

Kimberly
DS 3/18/04

[aliceinwonderland]

They live in Florida, remember? They have that crazy law there...

[HannaAddict]

Then I would move, in all seriousness, for as long as it took to do an adoption in another state. I knew Florida doesn't allow adoption of foster children but didn't know if they banned adoptions okayed by birth parents. Should have figured. :( I would start researching the states with the most liberal, easiest, quickest adoption time frames. It would be worth it. The situation as it is would really scare me.

Kimberly
DS 3/18/04

[kijip]

Agreed, I know two different seperated same sex couples where the 1 legal/birth parent took the child and ran. Living in Florida makes the situatioin even more dangerous.

[Splash]

I wish that were possible... there is no way I can ever adopt Charlie. The most we have... is guardianship papers that Jean could revoke at any time if she chose to. But, if (G-d forbid) she were to die... her parents would have no real recourse to get him from me... and I don't really think they would... i hope not at least.
E

[deborah_r]

This was what I was thinking when I read the original post here, but I was afraid to stress the OP out even more by mentioning it. It seems like if Jean's parents are saying those things now, if anything were to happen to her, I worry they would try to take your son away from you, since they consider themselves his real family.

Hopefully it's something you will never have to worry about! I'm sorry you are having so much stress in what should be a joyous time!

[Zansu]

My last name is Maiden Married ("two words, no hyphen"). When I spell it out, it's "m-a-i-d-e-n- SPACE (pause) m-a-r-r-i-e-d."

The only place I have run into issues is with airlines, b/c SABRE links the works together. If I'm dealing with a human, I just tell them that my last name starts with X, so they know what to punch in the computer.

I have credit cards in all three names, so evidently the banks don't care.

The drawback is that everyone tries to hyphenate it. So ID cards have to be re-issued, doctoors' files have to be re-labeled, and my father has to be reminded every time he writes my last name on something.

The boys have DH's last name. I got to choose first and middle names, so I had to give him something. :)

[s7714]

I don't know if the laws are the same in FL, but a friend of mine changed her son's full name (first middle and last) a couple years ago here in CA. (He was 4 months old at the time.) In order to make the change, she had to fill out a fair amount of paperwork and appear before a judge to explain why she wanted the name change. The judge approved and issued some kind of document that she had to then take to all the various state/federal agencies to get a new bc, ss card, etc. I know she had to pay fees on a lot of little things, but I can't honestly tell you how much it was. I doubt it was too expensive, because she never complained about it (and she's the type that would complain if she thought it was). ;)

ETA: I think it'd be a good idea to wait a couple months and try to discuss the issue with your DP again once you both are mentally and physically recovered from the stresses of having and taking care of a newborn. I agree that it's a bad idea to just change it to "what you want", because it's something both of you should have a say in since.

Jennifer
Mommy to
Annalia 3/03
Sophia 6/05

[JacksMommy]

No, you are not being irrational, names are very important, as your in-laws clearly know since they are freaking out. Names become even more important when some people society question whether you are really the mother of this child.

By all means, check and see whether there is a time-frame for changing the name without a hassle (I assume this varies state-to-state or perhaps even county-to-county). If there isn't a huge hurry, I'm wondering if it would be best to drop the issue just for the moment till the hubbub dies down. It sounds as though y'all have plenty on your plates with some of the disappointments around the birth and the whole new mommyhood thing. It sounds as though Jean is feeling very torn between you and her parents - giving up is a depressive reaction when someone feels helpless to deal with a situation and that's not good in the long run.

What if you were to agree to do nothing for say three months and then revisit the situation. Chances are you and Jean will both be in a better space to talk about what YOU BOTH want as well as to discuss how (and if) to deal with the in-laws.

Whatever you decide, please keep us posted!

Laurel
WOHM to Jack, 6/4/02
Baby Madeline 12/14/04

[westgre]

I'm sorry all this is happening right now when you should be enjoying DS stress free.

I'm so glad I'm not alone on the last name business... I kept my last name when I married DH. At the time we lived in the south, so I had all kinds of problems, but am SO glad I kept it. Nothing against DH, but I've never really understood why I have to give up my name and the hubby doesn't give up anything. Luckily, DH always agreed with me on this. So, when DD arrived, DH just said he wanted her to have my last name. At the time, we had enough to worry about (I was still in vet school and DH was living 2 states away) that I was thankful that we didn't have that to worry about, too. We had talked about hyphenating, and like most of you, didn't like the idea. We honestly never thought of 2 last names -- not sure why. Now that #2 is coming, maybe we will entertain that idea...

Gretchen
Lyra (12/30/02)
New Bean EDD???

[Melanie]

What's so great about Florida? Come to California! ;-)

Sorry, I don't mean to make light. In all seriousness your state has already screwed you and your girls over beyond belief.