Explain to me the rationale behind "not TTC, but not using BC"

[tny915]

I'm not talking about people that don't use BC for religious reasons. I've had a few people tell me, "We're not trying, but if it happens, it happens." I've always been huge on planning way ahead, so this sort of whatever happens mentality is hard for me to understand. So anyone out there with a more carefree attitude care to explain the rationale behind this approach?

By the way, I have absolutely nothing against this, it's just so far from the way I live my life. I'm just asking because I'm trying to understand people better.

[deborah_r]

I guess DH and I fall into this category. The only answer I can give you is we are not "planners" by nature. And there have been issues with each form of BC we have tried. For one, I have concluded that any form of the BCP makes me act like a raving lunatic b!tch for a good portion of the month, so I refuse to go back on it.

As far as planning or not planning, I guess I can't say this would be a great time for us to have a child, but we are also not getting any younger, so I guess I'm willing to let fate chime in and do some of the decision-making for us!

[jec2]

this has been our method since we were married. I don't know if there is any specific rationale behind it. However, i will say that to me, not everything in life is rational--some is pure serendipity. Moreover, I just cannot fathom saying I want my kids to be exactly X months/years apart and then making it happen. to me, love and children should be partly spontaneous and not so "planned." Finally, if we waited until we were "ready" to have kids, I think we'd be old and gray and childless. but, I am also someone who does not balance her checkbook, which might make many very very nervous :D

[aliceinwonderland]

Well, I don't understand it either *for me* as I am not giving birth to anything again, BUT, it seems logical for other people.

For example, my SIL and her husband will have as many children as will happen to them. So it makes no sense for them to use birth control, you know?

I have another friend whose husband is 41+ and she is in her thirties...They have one and may want more, so it also makes sense for them to let nature take its course...

[Globetrotter]

It might be their way of reducing the stress of TTC - no planning equals no pressure, maybe?

Kris

[kath68]

For me, anyway, I don't think there is much to explain. You used the word "approach," and that implies that there is a real purpose behind it.

I went from 10+ years of being on the pill to not being able to take it anymore for health reasons. Didn't like any other BC options. Hadn't ever really wanted kids before that, but being forced to consider alternate forms of BC, put the issue of having a baby into play, so to speak. We were at a time in life that a baby was ok, but not having a baby was ok, too. If either of us really needed to have children, we might have taken a different "approach."

You'd think that people would have stronger feelings about such a monumental thing, but we didn't. So if it happened, it happened. If it didn't, it didn't. Having children was never part of the equation when we got married. If I didn't ever have kids, I would have been ok (don't get me wrong -- DS is the best thing that ever happened to us).

This is coming from someone who is a serious planner in all other aspects of my life. But in some ways, because the decision to try for a child was SO big, I think it was hard for us to change directions from avoiding pregnancy to trying for pregnancy. This was a middle of the road for us that we could mentally handle better than "trying."

I also am so aware that there are plenty of couples out there who despite their best planning cannot have children, or don't have them on schedule because of difficulties. So, since you can't predict if/when you are going to have this blessing in your life, TTC may just add to the stress of it all, making it harder to conceive, and creating huge pressure in the relationship. Didn't want that.

Hope some of this makes sense. It is more of a ramble than organized thoughts. Again, it wasn't like we used it as an "approach" to pregnancy. It was just proceeding naturally with our lives, without intervention.

[toomanystrollers]

We didn't plan for any of them :) And I'm glad I didn't stress out about "TTC" because we never officially were!

[pb&j]

DH and I did this the first time we got pg. And I'm a huge planner by nature! Really, we wanted to start a family, but didn't want to get wrapped up in all the stress that can accompany "active" ttc. We were definitely *prepared* to get pg, just not absolutely certain that we must on a certain timetable, or even that we would. We decided we'd "not not try" for six months, and if nothing happened, then we'd start being more proactive about it. As it happened, we pg my second month off BC, which was quite a surprise. We'd had so many friends really go through the fertility wringer that we didn't expect it to happen so quickly.

Our daughter was stillborn at 24wks, so we started trying right away. It took over five months of temping, charting, OPK's, solely baby-making sex, and a miscarriage to achieve this pregnancy. Honestly, it was so stressful, that I'm looking forward to being a lot more laid back about the next one.

As for planning, I figured that 8 or 9 months would be plenty of time to get things in order for a new bundle of joy.


-Ry,
mom to Emma, s/b 11/04/04
and Max, edd 01/15/06 - it's a BOY!

http://lilypie.com/days/060115/3/25/1/-5/.png[/img] ([img)

[pb&j]

oopsie!

[babystuffbuff]

Well, my aunt and uncle are doing that right now -- while they are in the middle of potty-training their 2 1/2 year old twins! Yowza.

I have been on BC for a while, but will probably go off it pretty soon, since it is so costly for me and my insurance doesn't help pay for it hardly at all. :P We don't feel ready, but like a PP said, if we waited until we were 100% ready, we would never get started! If I got pregnant right now, the baby would be born right after our 2nd wedding anniversary, and that would be okay.

I am a major planner normally (just ask DH!) so it kind of surprises me that I would be alright with an "unplanned" kiddo. But I know that even after I stop the pills, it takes a few months for fertility to return anyway, so we would have a little time to get used to the idea. DH is 35, and I don't want him to be too much older before #1 comes along. I guess it just depends on how much people are willing to let go of that decision. I do think it would take some of the stress out of trying to get pregnant, cus you're not really trying to get pregnant, KWIM?

Sarah

[murpheyblue]

We did this the first tiem we got pregnant. We were ready to start TTCing but I didn't want all the stress involved and there really was no need to for me to be pregnant right away. For me, it's sort of TTCing on low speed.

[Melanie]

>We did this the first tiem we got pregnant. We were ready to
>start TTCing but I didn't want all the stress involved and
>there really was no need to for me to be pregnant right away.
>For me, it's sort of TTCing on low speed.

LOL, I guess that is what we did with Ds. Though, honestly in my book, if you are having unprotected sex you are TTC, just maybe not ready to call it that.

[dr mom]

I'm a bit of a control freak, so the laissez-faire approach would not have worked for me. My biggest worry about "not not trying" is that I might inadvertantly do something harmful (teratogenic medications, alcohol intake) without realizing I could be pregnant.

Those of you who let nature take its course, did you just assume you could get pregnant at any time and avoid potentially dangerous exposures at all times? And were you taking prenatal vits/folic acid when you conceived? Just curious.

[emilyf]

I wouldn't assume it will take a few months-we went off the pill very much with a wait and see attitude-and sort of hoping we would have a few months to get used to the idea and I was pregnant the 2nd month with ds, and the 1st month this time around. Anyway, just be prepared it could happen right away!
Emily \r\nmom of Charlie born 11/02

[kristenk]

I'm going to echo what Emily said. I went off the pill and DH and I were planning to wait until the 3rd month off the pill before actively trying (and generally using alternate methods of BC during this time). Notice I said "generally using alternate methods". I was pregnant with DD the month before we were going to actually start trying! Be prepared, just in case! :)

[erosenst]

I'm in somewhat of a different position. I was 43.5 when I had Abby, and she was the result of IVF. It's hard to say how fertile I am - I was 42 when we got married, so we started TTC right away, and moved on to an IUI (miscarriage) 5 months after we were married because of my age. After one more failed IUI, we moved to IVF.

For a variety of reasons, there is not a great BC option for me. While I am *completely* a planner, the odds of getting pg at my age (now 45) are miniscule. If it were to happen, we'd be thrilled - but we don't do anything to encourage it to happen because of the risk of birth defects. (By "encouraging" - charting temps, OPK's, timing, etc.)Without that, our odds are *really* slim - so we're comfortable with our decision. Having said that-if I were 10 years younger I'd still be trying alternate forms of BC if we didn't want another child!

Just reread this and not sure it makes sense - but hopefully it does.

Edited to add that I inadvertantly put this in the "are you doing what you need to do in case you DO get pregnant" part of the thread. To answer that - I take a multivitamin with folic acid every day, drink VERY moderately (a couple of glasses of wine a month), etc - so didn't need to make many changes when I was pregnant.

[toomanystrollers]

Cindy,
I just kept taking a multivitamin, avoided questionable meds., & remained a "very light" drinker :)

[papal]

Congrats Emily! I must have missed your announcement!!

[mudder17]

Emily! I love the way you sort of slid that announcement in. :D Did I miss a previous announcement or is this it?!

A huge congratulations!

Eileen

http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/candle.gif for Leah

http://www.gynosaur.com/assets/ribbons/ribbon_emerald_18m.gif , 18 months & counting


http://tickers.baby-gaga.com/t/catcatcvi20040222_4_Kaya+is.png

[brittone2]

I have PCOS and DS (18 months) is the result of injectable meds and IUI. I just got my first unmedicated (non bcp or provera/prometrium induced) AF in a long time. It was also my first PPAF. Let's not mention it has been 19 days and counting so far unfortunately (therefore I'm sure anovuilatory).

In any case, we're still BFing and between that and my history of IF, there's slim to no chance that I'd get pg. However, in *our* circumstances, I can't personally ever imagine preventing again in my life. Obviously our situation is a bit unique though.

So, we're not TTC (for me I wouldn't consider it ttc unless I was on meds) but if a miracle dropped into my lap, I wouldn't turn it down, kwim?

[deborah_r]

Cindy,

I guess I just don't tend do drink or take anything that I think is harmful in this sense. Maybe I am not worrying enough - what medicines would I need to avoid? I pretty much just take Motrin if anything ails me, and I take a prenatal vitamin and some extra calcium and some OMega 3s. I don't drink enough to have that be a concern.

[hez]

You know, as much a planner as I am (believe me, both Payton and this new one were very planned), there's a part of me that has been very happy to be off birth control for the last 3+ years. I'm thinking I may never want to go on anything hormonal (like the pill) again... We have an agreement for two children, with an option for a third ;) so there's a part of me that would want to fall into the 'not TTC, but not using BC' camp down the line. Of course, that may all change after the new one's here!

[mary b]

Dh and I are 'one of those people'.. DD#1 was very planned and took awhile to conceive (for us at least, I know that many, many people here go through MUCH more than what we did!) but anyway, after she was born, we tried different types of BC and we just decided to not worry about it and see what happened. I would have been 'shocked' if they were pretty close together but as it turned out, they are exactly 2 years apart and that spacing has worked out great for us. There was no stress involved with conceiving DD#2 at all.

I am 'somewhat of a planner' but certainly not like some and am I am glad in retrospect we did it this way!

Mary
mom to Noelle and Lindsey

[buddyleebaby]

Dh and I fall into this category as well.

We now that it is VERY possible to get pregnant while not on BC, even though I am EBF, but we are not actively trying. (As in, we are not keeping track of when or if I'm ovulating, etc.)
We feel that if God blesses us with another child, we are ready and willing to have another child. But at this point it is not a priority.

I don't know if others would consider that to be rational thinking or not, but that's just how we feel about it.

[pittsburghgirl]

My DS is an IVF baby after more than 4 years of TTC naturally and through 3 IUI's and 3 IVF's. I haven't bothered with any BC since he was born. Our diagnosis was male factor so we aren't really expecting to get pg again without medical intervention but I have not wanted to do anything to prevent it, either. But we're not TTC, for me that means making a real effort keeping track of my cycle making sure we hit the fertile times. So I guess in our case it isn't carefree but rather reflects our reality. We did originally plan for two kids on a very specific schedule but that didn't quite work out.

Marilee
mommy to James
http://lilypie.com/baby2/040120/1/1/1/-5/.png

[pritchettzoo]

It also might be their polite MYOB response. :) We said something similar when we were in fact "trying" just because what else do you say to people? "As a matter of fact, I am ovulating right now and need to get home and make like a bunny." ;)

Anna
Mama to Gracie (Sept '03) and Eli (July '05)

[psophia17]

I went off the pill and was waiting for AF to show up, and it never did...because I was already pregnant. We had been using other BC except for once (in my parents house, in my childhood bedroom, with the whole family downstairs waiting to head to church for Easter) when there was none available...

I was stressing thinking something was wrong with me that AF didn't come back, and our added stress-inducer was that none of the PG tests came back positive until 6 weeks after my LMP...

[buddyleebaby]

LOL! Talk about Easter eggs...

[bostonsmama]

LOL! Anna, you are so witty! ...and with such a great sense of humor.

That's what our friends told us when it came up over dinner, and when she found out what fertility problems DH and I were having, she confessed that she, too, had been ttc for about 6 months and didn't want people asking them all the time whether they were pregnant or not. She seemed to think that the minute you tell people you're ttc that it gets weird.

Sounded logical to me. Golly, wouldn't it be nice to be so fertile as to be able to plan your children? I thought I'd be Fertile Myrtle like my mama, but no such relation.


Larissa
who is still trying to give birth so she can have more to say

[SuenosDelMar]

<< "We're not trying, but if it happens, it happens."

This is exactly what I tell people and I don't get why there needs to be any "rationale" behind it.

I guess this kind of "thinking" needing to be explained speaks to the time we live in when people are planning out having their kids as much as they are planning when to buy or lease their next car.

I definitely understand the advantages to planning children, but IMO, that is the "un-natural" way of thinking about things. It is always a bit shocking to me when people have very specifically plotted out their childbearing, maybe because I have had m/c's and know that things don't always go as planned.

I am a planner to a certain extent and I am of AMA, but I know I would get too stressed out TTC if we actually were actively trying. So if it happens, it happens. :)

[SuenosDelMar]

Any women of childbearing age should be making sure they are getting enough folic acid regardless of whether on birth control or not, as no non-surgical method is 100% accurate.

I try to live healthily anyway and don't drink or take meds. I do get a bit stressed if I have to have a dental x-ray, but try to plan those when I know I am not pg. And you can always take a HPT test if you think you might be.

And from what I have read, aside from things like lacking folic acid, those 1st two weeks after conception are not extremely critical in terms of the mother's actions. I have an extremely regular cycle, so that is the longest I would go w/o knowing anway.

[C99]

I conceived 2 children this way. For me, it was that middle ground between actively trying and actively preventing a pregnancy. I hadn't yet moved to seriously trying, but I went off BC (or in the second one, wasn't careful about the dates) in order to get it out of my system before actively TTC. It wasn't that important to me to have a baby in June versus one in July (or something), so I wasn't all that concerned about timing things perfectly. Plus, I had no idea what my repro luck was going to be, so winging it for a bit seemed like the natural way to go.

[jec2]

with finn, I was taking vits before he was conceived, but b/c I didn't know I was pregnant, he went on his first pub-crawl at a VERY early age ;) But, i guess I just don't worry too much about it. I don't really have lifestyle with lots of hazards either though.

[ellies mom]

We call it the "Will of God Method", although not in the religious sense really. It's kind of a joke in our family. DH and I are planners too so we tend to use the phrase in terms of people who have "BC issues" (as in didn't use it) but also used the term for ourselves while waiting for my Depo shot to wear off.

[pb&j]

Even when on the Pill, I made sure to take my multivitamin daily, and get my RDA of folic acid. I'm a vehement non-smoker, and I'm not much of a drinker at all, so I didn't worry about that. As for avoiding "potentially dangerous exposures," I don't work in a nuclear reactor or anything, so I didn't go out of my way to do that (and still don't).

While ttc #2, my OB strongly encouraged me to take very large doses of folic acid, due to defects in my daughter. Apparently, about 1/3 of caucasian women have some trouble processing folic acid, and even if you're taking the RDA, it might not be enough, and the resulting deficiency may be related to a whole host of birth defects, not just NTDs.

I think it was John Lennon who said: "Life is what happens while you're making other plans."

:)


-Ry,
mom to Emma, s/b 11/04/04
and Max, edd 01/15/06 - it's a BOY!

http://lilypie.com/days/060115/3/25/1/-5/.png[/img] ([img)

[Wife_and_mommy]

I was just talking about this with some friends. They were discussing when to TTC for what sex. They were all pg within 10 minutes of making a decision with their firsts. It took us 18 months. We were ecstatic and grateful to be pregnant. It struck me how funny it was that they had scheduled their sex to the minute(well, almost) to have whatever gender baby they wanted.

I was very vague with family and would have loved to use your response when some asked how/when we were conceiving. ;) It wasn't that it was painful for me to discuss. I was disgusted that they wanted *details* that were none of their business! Umm. Hello. MYOB! Now, most friends knew we were "trying" but they didn't want to be involved in/know details so I felt comfortable with it. My family believes this pg was unplanned and I don't care to explain myself so I don't worry myself with it.

I will never again ask *anyone* when they're going to have children/have another, blah, blah, blah. DH knows not to either. Our answer now is "however many God gives us" which is hilarious because people think we're going to have 12 children which is not the case.


http://www.gynosaur.com/assets/ribbons/ribbon_gold_12m.gif[/img][/url]

http://tickers.baby-gaga.com/t/dogdogcrd20040405_4_My+child+is.png

http://tickers.baby-gaga.com/p/dev035pb___.png

[smilequeen]

I am a planner too, but as it turned out...we couldn't plan when to get pregnant. Thinking that we had some degree of control by charting, etc. made the year it took to get pregnant with Simon more painful for us than it needed to be IMO. I don't particularly want to put myself through that again, so we are going to try the whatever happens method for a little while when we're ready to start again.

[dowlinal]

Yep - that's pretty much what we told people during the infertiltiy hell we went through to have Madeline except for those occasions when someone would push me too hard and/or I had just undergone a particularly invasive test. My responses then were not so polite.

[emilyf]

thanks girls-I never did an official announcement, and it's too late now b/c I'm 2 weeks away from my due date! Not trying to keep it a secret, just happened that way. I promise to do an official announcement when baby arrives-
Emily \r\nmom of Charlie born 11/02

[mudder17]

Wow! We can't wait to hear the good news! Wishing you an easy labor and delivery!

Eileen

http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/candle.gif for Leah

http://www.gynosaur.com/assets/ribbons/ribbon_emerald_18m.gif , 18 months & counting


http://tickers.baby-gaga.com/t/catcatcvi20040222_4_Kaya+is.png

[o_mom]

With DC1, we were charting, etc. due to IF issues. For #2, we wanted them close, but I was not willing to wean #1 before a year, so at 9 mos we "took the gloves off" and said if it happens before a year, it happens, if not, we'll put more effort into it then.

Turns out it did happen, without AF ever showing up. Gotta love that exchange "When was the first day of your last period?" "Um, 18 months ago..." "Oh, dear, we better schedule you an ultrasound right away"

[murpheyblue]

Though, honestly in
>my book, if you are having unprotected sex you are TTC, just
>maybe not ready to call it that.

I tend to agree and perhaps it's slicing the bologna too thin but I think of "trying to conceive" as just that TRYING to conceive or actively working toward that goal whether it be charting, OPKs, etc. We were more in the camp of "open to conceiving and hopeful that it would happen sooner rather than later."

[murpheyblue]

>I'm a bit of a control freak, so the laissez-faire approach
>would not have worked for me. My biggest worry about "not not
>trying" is that I might inadvertantly do something harmful
>(teratogenic medications, alcohol intake) without realizing I
>could be pregnant.
>
>Those of you who let nature take its course, did you just
>assume you could get pregnant at any time and avoid
>potentially dangerous exposures at all times? And were you
>taking prenatal vits/folic acid when you conceived? Just
>curious.

Yes and yes. I'm not exactly a wild child so it wasn't too hard to avoid things incompatible with pregnancy. I didn't completely eliminate alcohol but I didn't drink multiple drinks (we were only off BC for 3 mos before I was pregnant) and I didn't take any meds. Luckily I wasn't sick during that time so the issue didn't arise. When I told my OB I was considering going off BC she gave me a rx for prenatals so I was on them for several months before we got pregnant.

[o_mom]

I was still nursing DC1, so was on prenatals and not exactly binge drinking.

[ribbit1019]

No rationale, just going with what comes at us. DH and I are planners in almost all other aspects of our lives.

Part of it, yes, is laziness. In addition, I can't take the pill, there is something in it that gives me hives and I have tried several different brands. Plus my hormonal reactions to BC are not all that great. I become crazy woman the whole month instead of for a week or so. Not appealing.

This is just one part of our lives that we choose not to plan. To a certain extent. We won't be having over four. Over four I think I would lose my mind. :o We are still in discussions about how we will avoid having more children than we can handle. I really thought DD was going to be an only, since it took her four years to get here, but along comes #2, surprise!

Stressful yes, but nothing we can't handle. If we planned everything then there would be no room for surprises, which I love. lol

ETA:
Cindy,
With DD I got very blitzed with a friend that was in from out of town (friends since we were 8 and I hadn't seen her in two years) when I was one week pg. That is one week after conception, technically I was three weeks pg. I was taking a multi-vit but not a prenatal. It is amazing that she turned out o.k. Of course I did not drink at all once I found out I was pg days later.
With DC #2 I was on prenatal vitamins b/c DD was still nursing (PT) and we were not being careful. I was also very sure that if I arranged for time that I could have alcohol that it was in VERY small doses. As it happens I hadn't had any for three weeks before estimated conception.


Christy
Maddy born 06/09/04
http://lilypie.com/baby2/040609/3/4/0/-5/.png
Little Peanut due 03/02/06
http://bd.lilypie.com/K8fum4/.png

[aliceinwonderland]

I was on prenatals but I was drinking moderately as i always do.

[Judegirl]

I'm a major planner, but we were "if it happens..." people for a couple of YEARS before we TTC! With us, it was that we were ready emotionally and psychologically, but it wasn't the best idea financially. It wouldn't have been a disaster, but it would proabbly have been wiser to wait. So although we couldn't bring ourselves to actually try, we also couldn't bear the thought of trying NOT to have a baby at that point in our lives.

Three years later, when we actually decided to try to conceive, we managed on the first time out....turns out that "if it happens, it happens" isn't very risky if you're not having sex very often. LOL.

Best,
Jude

[TahliasMom]

I was on BCP for almost 10 years. we started to TTC after 4 months after and it took us another 6 months. it was too stressful trying to chart, have sex on the right days, etc. it really affected our marriage and the month we stopped trying we succeeded. i never went back on birth control but i keep track, not chart, of my cycles until last month. now we're just going with the flow and whatever happends happends! it's hard because im such a planner and control freak but i must admit that it's so much more fun and less stressful to be carefree!!!

[entttc]

We'll probably be using this method for the rest of our lives- though we did actively TTC both #1 and #2. I'm not getting any younger, so I doubt more than 4 will be possible- and I'm fine with 3 or 4! We wanted #2 asap just to be sure we did have at least two- but TTC is stressful (temping is difficult when BF'ing and not sleeping through the night, the CBFM sticks are hard to find) so I think we'll just see what happens after DS arrives.

I don't mind no alcohol, caffeine, meds, etc. . . but someday (when finished BF'ing) I will have a glass of wine again. I'll do it during the follicular phase, when I know I'm not PG. And after finishing BF'ing I will allow myself to eat some foods with MSG on occasion.

But that's a long way off.