specific ? on handling dog's death

[hjdong]

Well, it looks like we are going to have to put our dog to sleep next this week. For a really horrible time, it looked like we were going to lose two of them (to two seperate things, one has cancer - the one who looks like he isn't going to make it, and the other stopped eating - stupidly, we have 4 elderly dogs at once) but one has luckily rebounded.

We have been, as much as possible, preparing DS for this for more than a year. Junior, our dog we are going to have to put to sleep, has had a brain tumor for 1 1/2 years, heart problems for a year, and the brain tumor recently spread to the lungs. The coughing is just getting too horrible. He can harly lie down anymore.

Anyway, my real question deals with specifically, the day of putting him to sleep. I am torn over how to handle to details with DS. I'm torn over whether to take him to the vet with us or not. I don't want him to be scared that when we got to the vet in the future (which we do a lot) we're going to come back with one less animal. And unfortunately, with the age of our pack, it's going to start happening. On the other hand, when we read the book "I'll always love you," (where the dogs have the good grace to die on their own), we talk about how the vet says the dog is just getting old and there's nothing that she can do (the vet in the book's a he, but our vet's a she, so I take some liberties, just in case anyone else has the book and thinks I'm blind). And no matter how it happens, whther he comes to the vet with us, or somebody drives away with him, one minute, he has 4 dogs, and the next, 3. I'm not worried about him being afraid of us getting in the car. I'm wondering if I'm over thinking it.

Any thoughts? Thanks,

[kath68]

I am really sorry you have to go through this. I know it is hard.

I don't have much advice -- I think it depends somewhat on the sensitivity of DS and how attached he is to your dog. I think he is kind of at an in between stage age-wise in how well he can deal with this kind of thing.

If it were me, I think I wouldn't take DS to the vet for the deed, but talk to him ad nauseum about how sick the Junior is, and that it is time for him to have some peace, and that the family was really lucky to have Junior, and that it is ok to be sad and to miss him.

Maybe have some sort of ceremony afterward -- where you put Junior's things in a box and bury it. That way DS can have some closure. You can write down a "goodbye" from DS (his words) and include it in the box. Just an idea.

ETA: I just put my cat to sleep today, and had my 17 mo-old with us. He did not understand, was concerned by mommy's sobbing, and we ended up having the assistants take him while we dealt with the actual procedure. So I would say, based on today, having a young child with you is a bad idea. It will be hard on you and hard on him.

[KBecks]

I can tell you not to handle it (not that you would this way).

My mom didn't tell me she was putting down our dog. So I come home from school and she tells me that our dog has been put to sleep.

I didn't even get to say goodbye to the dog, and I'm still a little ticked about it.

I was extra upset when my father had quadruple bypass surgery and they didn't tell me. They didn't want to disrupt my college studies.

So, give your child a chance to say goodbye, and give you child some room to grieve. I also would not go get a substitute pet right away.
I wouldn't personally let my child see the animal put to sleep.

Hope it helps,

[Momof3Labs]

There were some recent questions on this - I know that I posted a lengthy response based on our recent experience. But here are some specific responses to your questions.

We brought DS to a neighbor's house, then loaded Hollie into the car for her final trip to the vet. That morning, we talked to DS about telling her that he loved her and that he would miss her because her body was stopping working and we weren't going to see her again. DS didn't know that we were going to the vet, and still doesn't know that we did. He didn't comment on it for a while after coming home, but did eventually ask about Hollie. We just stuck to our story and kept it in his simple terms. In fact, he asked about her again the other day (almost 4 months later), and I explained it to him again.

We went from 2 dogs and one cat (lost DS's favorite dog) to one dog and one cat and he noticed it a lot less than I expected. We've since adopted another senior dog, and she definitely distracts him from missing Hollie because she is very interactive with DS! Unless your DS has a super-special bond with Junior, he'll probably notice it less than you expect with 3 dogs still remaining.

I wish you peace - I know how tough this is (3 times in the past 4 years, unfortunately)!!

[amp]

I'm so sorry about your dog. It's such a difficult thing to deal with.

I would not take your son to the vet w/ you on that day. Euthanizing an animal, at least for me, was a gut wrenching, terribly emotional and painful incident. I think that my reaction would have terrified a child, as well as the reaction the animal inevitably has. Even though my cat passed hearing words and touches of love in his last minutes, he also was afraid because it was a veterinary office, he sensed something wrong, and in the end, the eyes remain open and the tongue protrudes. It might be quite disturbing to either see that, or to see your tears and pain even if he is in the lobby. Gosh, I cry just typing that. It was a horrible day for me and I dread the day I have to do it for our other animals. But I will be there, speaking loving, reassuring things when the time comes again. I would leave him w/ friends or family.

I would let him say goodbye and tell him that he won't be seeing Junior anymore, as his body isn't working anymore (or whatever words you want to use) and he's dying. Let him know it's ok to miss him and to be sad and to talk about him or ask questions if he wants to.

Since I've not had to talk to my child about any of this yet, I'm taking notes myself, on how to handle questions and how much or how little info to give.

Hugs to your family and to Junior.

[Momof3Labs]

Just a suggestion - I'd watch the use of the word "sick" in connection with the death of a pet. Little kids don't understand that it is different than when they get sick or mommy gets sick. We went with "body stopped working" since that isn't a phrase that we would otherwise use.

[wendmatt]

Sorry I don't have any advice Holly, you've gotten some good advice already, I just wanted to say how sorry I am about your dog. My baby girl Riley(First born in our home!) is 6 so I have a few years before we have to think about it but I know how hard it must be. Hope it goes alright and you cope OK.