Please tell me that I am not the only one who can't stand a loved sibling's

[kijip]

spouse? My little brother and I have always been close. Now that he is married/partnered with this guy, every day I see him I realize how little I like his spouse. He is just a jerk. A really big know-it-all jerk. They are close to becoming parents and I know that since my brother is happy (which is good) that I have to live with this guy in my life till I die. Yikes. I know I should just focus on how happy my brother is and learn to like the spouse. Has anyone hated a sibling's spouse and come around to liking them? How did you cope?

[momma_boo]

Katie - I posted last month about my new SIL. I haven't decided if she is good or bad (to put it into basic black & white terms). My parents have decided that she isn't so great after all but that they'll just have to "live with it."

I really hope things get better for you.

[hez]

Well, I have doubts about my sister's fiance, doubts about my brother's girlfriend (maybe fiancee-- you never know with them), have concerns about SIL's new fiance (they met online July 12, and in person 5 weeks ago), and haven't met BIL's new girlfriend, though she sounds nice.

So, I'm just in the 'no one's good enough for my family' phase, I think ;) And the one spouse I did really like (BIL's ex-wife) turned out to be a horrible person in reality, so I'm learning that my initial impressions probably shouldn't be trusted when it comes to siblings' relationships. I don't live with the people they've chosen, so I how can I truly know if their relationship is healthy?

Oh, and I'm pretty sure I come off as a b*tch around the IL's, as I'm just not 100% comfortable with them (still) and am pretty protective of the alone time I need, the nap time Payton needs, and the needs of our little family in general. I say this, as I felt *such* relief when they left today instead of tomorrow, even though I know Payton has fun playing with them!

[starrynight]

I cannot stand (putting it mildly) my sil, dh is well aware of it and he understands and agrees to a point with me why. I don't speak to her unless it's an emergency and the visits aren't frequent enough to bother me. I can shut my mouth for a day or so if necessary.

And I told dh if he ever wants to move to the same state as her it's grounds for divorce. She has serious boundry issues and is very selfish. I told him from a distance I can be nice if necessary because I love him but I can't be nice on a daily basis if we lived near by. Sorry I'm not much help :(.

[SuenosDelMar]

My whole family didn't really care for my youngest sister's husband. He was an arrogant, republican-minded jerk which did not fit in w/ our family whatsoever and he made no effort to try. We worried that he was going to just be very domineering towards my sister and she was going to be screaming to get out quick.

Well we were quite wrong on the last point. They have been married for 5 years now and she is in control of the relationship in a big way. He can still be an arrogant jerk, but has finally realized how to fit in w/ our family to a certain extent. Initially we all pretty much just ignored him at family gatherings. We weren't rude, just didn't go out of our way.

We don't see them often, so that helps and most of my family now feels sorry for him because he really wants a baby and my sister who is borderline anorexic refuses to get "fat" and go through labor to have a baby.

I guess now we tolerate each other and generally avoid controversial topics. I initially really hated him (he made some really rude comments about my profession, teaching), but since he has been really good about keeping stupid comments to himself the last few years, I almost kind of like him now.

Good luck!

[Wife_and_mommy]

As horrible as it sounds, you're seeing their situation with more objective eyes than your brother so I'd hope he'd see what a jerk the partner is soon. And if all else fails, be civil and try to keep the visits short.

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[bostonsmama]

I really love my step-brother, and his second fiancee (soon to be wife and now soon to be mother of his child) is not liked by anyone in our family. I'd like to think she's just being snotty because she's pregnant...who knows...but many of us wish he'd get over her. She's a very outspoken aitheist and is constantly bashing my family's religious beliefs and practices. We handle her by hanging out in the kitchen away from her and disbanding whenever she comes back in from her smoke breaks. I like her much better when she's with my DSB...I just never make time for her alone.

I wish you lots of patience and healing....can't be fun to be so protective & loving of your bro and not like his partner.

Larissa
who is still trying to give birth so she can have more to say

[HannaAddict]

I'm not sure what you mean by hoping your step-brother "get over her" when she's pregnant with his child. (?) Do you mean before she was pregnant with his baby? Maybe she feels outnumbered at family gatherings, just a thought. From your earlier posts, it sounds like your family is can be outspoken and of one similar mind on a lot of issues, so just throwing that possibility out there. Or I could be wrong and she could be super annoying :).

But I would be probably be more annoyed at her smoking while she was pregnant than the other issue. (Though I know smoking is incredibly addictive.) The smoking thing would bug me.

[ellies mom]

Let's see... The easy one first. I got along pretty well with my ex-SIL for the most part but I've lost a lot of respect for her over the last several years. I'm glad they've split up because I think it is simply the best for everyone involved. We are still friendly when we see each other but it doesn't go any further than that.

Now, my sister. Let's just say, my sister has the absolute worst taste in men. Her first husband seemed OK. They were really young and it turns out he was a recovering drug addict that stopped recovering (he has a lot of contributing issues). He stole money from my parents. My sister and he have been divorced for years but I have to say that he really tries to be part of my nephew's life the best he can. I actually like him. It is a real tragedy that he can't really get it together. He is very talented but it is definately wasted. Insert string of losers here but no one she really brings around. Then comes her second to last boyfriend (Jan 2003). She falls in love. He moves to her town but can't get a job. She drops out of school and they decided to move to the Bay Area with no jobs? They end up living with my parents because her son has to go to school. They break up in and he moves to Texas (Oct 2003). So the beginning of the very next year (Jan 2004), she starts dating a guy that I warned her was a total loser (friends with my brother but slept with above SIL in the alley in back of their apartment Hmmmm?). She doesn't care. So they rent a house together and get married (July 2004). He starts cheating on her and they are divorced by October 2004. So quite honestly, we don't bother getting to know any of my sister's guys because it is a given that they will be losers. Really, what is the point?

Sorry, that isn't really a lot of help. It is one thing to be happy for a sibling but it doesn't make it easier to get along with their beloved.

[rorycam]

In my opinion, coming into someone's home as a guest and bashing their religion, whatever it may be, is incredibly rude. I have an idea that saying she is "feeling outnumbered" is a thinly veiled way of saying that the real problem is that they are rude to her. I realize these things often go both ways, but as you prepare to enter a new family, insulting their beliefs is not the proper way to do it.

[bostonsmama]

Well, yes, I'm outspoken about my own beliefs, but remarkably only when like-minded friends are around....call it my "comfort zone." Surprisingly, my step dad is also athiest, my mom is a church-goer (whatever that means) and my DH, siblings and I (all six step and blood) are all Christians of different philosophies. I'm really a sad evangelist (LOL!)...so no, no one is prostelitizing in that house. ...but the girl still happens to piss everyone off. We just kind of nod our heads and smile now, since it takes a lot more energy to think of a whitty comeback. My mom is very much a pacifist (wouldn't even make my brothers do their homework growing up) and finds issue with the girl's awkward passion of stirring up controversy. I wanted to like her very much, and thought we'd have a lot in common since she's a professional chef, but every since she analyzed my mother's entire fridge with a scoff everytime there was an "inferior" pasta sauce or ingredient, I really didn't want to be around her anymore. The whole "Christians are such evil hypocrites. I'm never going to expose my child to that crap" thing really doesn't go over very well.

Yes, we wished he'd leave her before they got pg...but honestly DSB is pretty fickle and leaves lots of girls. Figures he'd stick with the one who insults us whenever we see her. And yes, she smokes and drinks while pregnant....hey, not my battle. We continue to pray--both that we'll like her more in the future, and that she'll stop smoking and drinking, despite being presenting with logical reason.

(why does this feel like I'm defending myself??)
Larissa

[aliceinwonderland]

I really am not very fond of my sister's fiance. I don't think it's him as much as the kind of dynamics they have going on. He is from a very wealthy and prominent family (with its unique problems) whereas we are a normal middle-class people with normal problems :)

I think it's just that they have a VERY different relationship that I have with my partner, or that I would have with *any* men. But I need to constantly remind myself that how I choose to estabish relationships is *very* different from the way others chose to do them. And my sister is happy (most of the time) and that' all that matters to me (repeats this to self ad nauseum).

[aliceinwonderland]

I agree that bashing anyone's religion in their home especialy is not cool. My husband's sister and her Dh are VERY devout baptists, and as can be expected at the opposite side of the spectrum than us on every single topic and we somehow are able to co-exist in the few times a year we get together at the in-laws house. We just steer clear of things while knowing in no uncertain terms how each side feels about issues, and stick to discussing milestones (they have a son 2 months older than mine). But we are not best friends, no. I have to remind my husband to call them.

[HannaAddict]

I agree that one shouldn't bash another's beliefs like that, especially in someone else'shome. I just threw another idea out there since as you say, it can go both ways. Hope things settle down and that the soon to be SIL and mom can develop a better, or at least less antagonistic relationship.

[kijip]

What brat to dish about religion with people she knows disagree. I am old fashioned with dinners----religion and politics are off limits at the table! I really don't want to listen to my socialist father's diatribes while eating for example! I am sorry you have to deal with that and watch her smoke and drink while pregnant. I am of the mind that leaving a pregnant woman is a terrible thing to do so I hope that your brother and her will work it out for their child's sake.

As someone who came into a set of inlaws that are diametrically opposed to me on just about every issue (they are religious without church, they vote on one or two social issues only and they are heavily invested in "new" things and constantly consider how much stuff costs whereas my family went to church, was very politcal and considered all the issues and we are exceedingly private about money) and who loudly blame me for their son being a liberal feminist (which I point out he was when we started dating or there would not have been a second date!) I know that sometimes I rambled on and on (not of politics or religion but on random topics)in front of them as a form of self protection. Not that they did anything to me but that I felt uncomfortable. I had to really force myself to stop. I realized it was becuase I viewed my place with my husband as unsecure and was looking for his/their approval. Now I know that my husband is first loyal to me and then to them so I feel more secure and thus get along better with them. So hopefully once the pregnancy hormones exit and she gets more comfortable with her attachment to your brother everyone will get along much better.

[LD92599]

My BIL can be a huge know-it-all. Everyone knows it.....but it's so annoying because whatever it is you're talking about, it's always "why didn't you get X Y or Z instead of what you did get." Constantly....annoying! And he screwed me on a work project that he was consulting on. Lovely. Never work with family.

Laura
mom to William

LKibala at optonline dot net

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