Questions about bedtime routine- I think I must be doing something very wrong

[JTsMom]

DS is 3 1/2 months old now. Three days ago, I started doing a bedtime routine with him- bath, quicky massage, pj's, and Daddy reads him 2 books while he nurses. We do this all with the lights dimmed. We've been co-sleeping, so the whole thing takes place in our bedroom.

I know I probably should have started this all earlier, but he had to have major surgery, and I couldn't see doing it before then b/c I knew it would all get screwed up anyway. He's been home for a week and a half now, and still isn't 100% back to normal, but he is close. He's not sleeping really regularly yet, so I'm just kind of guess-timating what time to start each night, based on when I think he'll be ready to go down for the night. I figured once we did the routine for a week or so, I'd try to do it at the same time each night. My immediate goal was just to get him used to the same pattern every night.

The first night went pretty well. He fell asleep quickly, but then woke up maybe 1/2 an hour later. No big deal, I knew he'd get up to eat again anyway, but I was surprised it was so quickly.

Night 2- he would NOT go to sleep. I hung in there for close to 3 hours, but he just refused. He actually seemed really upset about the whole thing- like an older kid refusing to go to bed. He usually goes to sleep nursing, or if I hold him up on my shoulder and bounce on my birthing ball. I tried both several times, but no dice.

Night 3- same thing, except I quit after about an hour and a half.

Am I doing something wrong? I can't imagine why he's getting upset. He loves taking a bath, gets all cuddly during the stories and everything- he just fights actually falling asleep. He's not like that when he takes naps or anything, so I can't see why this is happening. It's not like I'm walking out of the room or anything. Any thoughts?

[Momof3Labs]

He's awfully tiny and has been through an awful lot. I bet that it will just take longer for him to adjust to a bedtime routine. 3 nights isn't very long at that age. To you, this is a bedtime routine. To him, this is something different that mommy started doing a few days ago and doesn't mean "bedtime" to him yet.

Perhaps daddy reading while he nurses is distracting to him? Or perhaps he's in the middle of his 3 month growth spurt (in which case you need to just ride it out and worry about this later)? Or perhaps he's just not tired when you're doing it and doesn't yet understand that this all signals bedtime (trust me, he will understand that later on if you stay consistent with the routine)? Or is he going through that 3 month developmental spurt where babies literally "wake up" and change everything that has gone on before that time?

Go ahead and keep on doing the routine, but try not to expect anything from it for a while. He has a lot going on, a lot more than the typical 3 month old (who also has a lot going on)!

[knaidel]

First off, I hope that your son is doing okay.
Second, don't worry about not starting this sooner! From what I've read, most people don't start with a bedtime routine till 4 months at the earliest. I know that for us, "bedtime" was non-existent for my son until about 5 months. Before that, whenever he fell asleep, he fell asleep.
So two things that I can think of here: babies don't have the neurological ability to calm themeselves until about 16-18 weeks old. So if he's upset, he'll stay upset until someone else helps him.
Second: it's possible that by the time you're actually putting him to bed, he's overtired and overstimulated. Maybe you want to skip one story? also, he probably doesn't need a bath every night.
You might want to take a break for a few weeks, till he gets a bit bigger, and then try again. There are a ton of books on the subject that you can read for ideas. Probably the one that's most compatible with co-sleeping is The No Cry Sleep Solution. Dr Weissbluth's book, Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child explains the sleep cycle and has a lot of groupies.
Don't worry.These things can take a loooong time.

[amp]

We weren't able to establish a routine that meant a darned thing w/ DS until he was quite a few months older. The routine is good, but small babies sleep when they want/can, not when we need them to. Stick w/ the routine if you want to, or just follow his cues for a bit longer and then start a routine. Honestly, he's too young to force into any kind of routine. We just followed DS's lead at that age and he's a great sleeper. I don't think it's necessary to force it yet.

[emilyf]

I agree with the others, he is young still so plenty of time to establish a routine. One of the best pieces of advice I got on this board was from Beth when my ds was a baby (so nearly 3 yrs ago!) and that was to keep bedtime routines simple and very short. Ours has evolved of course, but it takes only about 15 min. tops. Bathtime is not included (he doesn't get one every day, and in any case it has generally been in the am for us), stories are not a must-we read other times during the day, and stories at night only if there is time, the main things were a fresh diaper, pjs, turning out lights, turning on a nightlight, turning on bedtime music and few minutes cuddling (nursing when he was small). Now he and dh have a routine of talking about his day, and teeth brushing has been added but that's only been the last year or so. But, bedtimes were super flexible in our house for at least the first 6 mos-depending on tiredness etc so I would say you are definitely not doing anything wrong, I would probably still try to follow sleep/tiredness cues for a while before trying to set a regular bedtime.
Emily \r\nmom of Charlie born 11/02

[JTsMom]

Thanks everyone. I knew the routine wouldn't start working right away or anything, so that doesn't surprise me, it's just that it seems to be upseting him, instead of relaxing him, kwim? I figured that if he started to think of this little nightly ritual being a pleasant relaxing thing, that eventually it would be a good sleep trigger. Maybe it is still too early- it's just that everything I've been reading says that you should start at 2 months, and I felt like a slacker. LOL

I would never want to force anything on him- I just thought he would find it relaxing since it's all stuff he likes at other times of the day. And the first night, he really seemed happy with it. Sigh.

Before his surgery he was much more predictable. He took 2 naps in the morning and 1 in the late afternoon. He'd fall asleep around 8, then wake up at 10 or 11 and eat, then sleep through the night. I never did anything to encourage that predictabilty, that was just his natural pattern.

Now though, it's like all hell has broken loose. He's not eating/sleeping/playing with any type of predictability. It's not that I have a huge issue with that, but if I know what to expect at least most of the time, I can make sure he's getting what he needs, when he needs it. As it is now, I have no idea what to try first when he starts to fuss. Sometimes I have to try everything I can think of 3 times before he finally is happy with whatever it was I tried the first time!

I'm rambling now...

Anyway, I just wanted to be clear that I'm not trying to get him on a strict schedule, or letting him cry it out or anything.

[JTsMom]

He's doing great health-wise btw- thanks! :) He had to have open heart surgery to correct a couple of defects, but came through it with flying colors. It's so nice to be able to "worry" about stuff like bedtime instead of the other things I was REALLY worrying about a month ago!

[Momof3Labs]

Go back and read the last question in my second paragraph above - sounds like you are in the middle of that burst!

If the routine isn't relaxing him, it's not right for him. Try playing around with it to find something that does relax him. At that age, for my DS, nursing and snuggling in a darkened room was very relaxing for him - anything more would have been too much at that age.

[KBecks]

We didn't start a bedtime routine until 8 months or so. We were probably a little late, but I think 3 months is a bit early.

So what I'd suggest is going with his flow for a while and seeing if you fall naturally into a rhythm.

[JTsMom]

Yeah, maybe that is it. Last night I just skipped it entirely, and he stayed up until almost midnight, so I'm thinking maybe everything is just going to be crazy for a while. Maybe I'll try again in a few weeks, and just simplify the routine.

I think I'll pick up the books mentioned above too. I want to s-l-o-w-l-y work towards getting him to sleep in his crib in our room, then eventually in his own. I never really planned on co-sleeping, and although it has it's benefits, it's not something I really want to do long term. I thought establishing a positive bedtime experience would be a good (and easy to accomplish) first step. Ha! As usual, Jason has his own way of doing things, and it's his way or the highway! He'll probably have me sleeping in his crib before he does it.

In any case, I feel better now that I know everyone else's kids didn't have a bedtime at this age. I should really stop reading AAP stuff and just come here and ask stuff instead. ;)