Need help: Relaxer disaster on biracial hair

[stcelia]

This is for my sister. Her Mom (we're half sisters - I only say this because I don't like to claim her mother!), had my sister's 4 year old daughter's hair relaxed without asking. Sis said it looked smooth and straight the first night, but now it is a big frizzy mess and she can't figure out what to do for it. Apparently she tried to wash out the relaxer. I told her I thought it was a chemical process and that the hair is permanently changed. It is dry, and frizzy, and VERY unmanageable now. Before hand, my sister kept it braided or in afro-puffs, and was doing pretty good at keeping it styled.

My niece's mother is white, and her father is african-american. Her hair before "the incident" was somewhere in the middle of the spectrum between black and white hair. It was brownish blonde, with tight curls. It tended toward frizzy before, but now it is really crazy frizzy. My poor niece is traumatized. She thought her hair was going to look like her mom's and like her friend's hair, and now it doesn't look like that or even like her own hair anymore.

My sister tries very hard to be sensitive to cultural/racial issues and doesn't want her daughter to feel that anything of one race is better than another. She feels like her Mom really overstepped boundaries, and introduced in the process the idea that white-type hair is better than the type of hair her daughter had.

Does anyone have recommendations? Both for how to handle the hair and the psychological issues. Are there products that would help? I imagine she needs to cut WAY back on shampooing, but are there conditioning treatments or oil treatments that would help?

Thanks for your help. We are at a loss for how to handle this.

[psophia17]

I haven't got a clue how to help, but hope you find something helpful soon.

Your sister's mother was totally out of line - I'm angry with her on your niece's behalf.

[Tracey]

Hopefully someone else can be more help, but I do know that a relaxer on ethnic hair is the same chemical as a perm on caucasian hair. She should not have washed her hair, that's what made it frizzy. I would find a salon that has experience with ethnic hair and have it corrected. They will also be able to tell your sister how to care for her daughter's hair. I know that the hair can actually break off to nothing if it is not cared for correctly. Your sister may want to call her husband's relatives for a suggestion if she doesn't want to take her to a salon.

As far as the racial issues, most of the black women I've known relax their hair. Personally, I think four is too young to do any major styling---like coloring or perming a white child's hair at four would be too young to me.

I can't help at all with the psychological issues. I feel for her since I remember one disasterous perm when I was about ten.

[m448]

Ugh, grandma has boundary issues and needs to be put in her place. As far as the little girl's hair all she can do at this point is grow it out. The site www.naturallycurly.com has a great hair board with tons of moms to boot that would give her mom great advice. Then in order to help her see her hair as beautiful I'd check out the books on this page (especially the kiddie books towards the end):

http://naturallycurly2.com/curl411/books.php

[alexsmommy]

My sister-in-law did this to my step-daughter. She is 1/4 Caucasian and her aunt decided her hair was unmanagable since I was putting off putting in a relaxer as long as possible. I'm still ticked five years later. I have no issues with relaxers - just BOUNDARIES.
Anyway, yes, to truly change it back she'll just have to grow it out.
In the mean time, moisturize, moisturize, moisturize. Relaxers actually break down the chemical bonds in the hair that makes it curly. They are really hard on hair, and the no-lye ones (the only ones you can get if you are not a beautician) are really really hard on the hair.
Tell your sister to get a good protein conditioner from the "ethnic" hair care aisle and to use it every other week to strenghten the hair (but wash with something like Creme of Nature shampoo once a week.) Then add a moisturizer (Moisture Max, or any non-grease based lotion type) leave in conditioner type product to her wet hair. Comb through with a WIDE TOOTH COMB to prevent breakage - her hair will be very delicate. I generaly put my step-daughters hair in braids while wet and it would stay nice for a full week. It really helped her grow out (retain her ends) her hair until the relaxer grew out.
She can go to blackhairmedia.com and go to the forum there - they get questions like this frequently from mother's who have african-american bi-racial hair and can answer specific questions or recommend brands of products.
As far as the psychological damage - sigh, I applaud your sister for realizing this hair thing can be a big issue. I would look at some the books recommended (I think my daugther had one called "My Nappy Hair") and emphasize that there are lots of hair types and lots of things to do to it. I wouldn't say Grandma did something "wrong" to her hair, but that Grandma was wrong for not asking. As she gets older she may want a relaxer and she shouldn't have guilt about that either. Good luck.
Alaina
Alex 2-4-03

[ellies mom]

As a mother to a bi-racial DD, I would flip if anybody did that to my DD's hair. She would never be left alone with her again. Wow, those are huge boundary issues.

At anyrate, like the PP's have mentioned, it is simply going to have to grow out. There is a book called Curly Girl by Lorraine Massey, that I just love. Basically, I hardly ever shampoo DD's hair. Maybe every two to three weeks. I condition it every day though. I'm using California Baby leave-in conditioner but definately have her check out the "ethnic" conditioners. When I need to wet down her hair to comb it, I use watered down conditioner. I'd also follow the PP's advice about asking a stylist that specializes in black hair. Maybe they can come up with a cute cut or style (braids maybe?) to tide her over until it grow some and then maybe cut it short.

[kijip]

Leave in conditioner is the best bet. But like the PP said, it is going to have to grow out. It might be a good idea to take her to a salon and have them do the cutest, shortest cut they can do appropriate for her hair.

[brittone2]

No advice, but I would be absolutely, ridiculously upset if a family member did that to my child. What a message to send to such a young child :(

I hope that they can find some way to restore her hair to something manageable and a bit healthier than what grandma left her with after the incident. I'd be charging any costs to grandma in thanks for her "help." Ugggh. Poor kid.

[jd11365]

PLEASE TELL YOUR SIS TO TAKE HER DD TO A SALON ASAP!!!

They will be able to fix the problem instead of your sis trying all kinds of attempts to make it better with no success. Each failed attempt will just traumatize your niece further.

I can't believe her mother had the nerve to do such a thing without permission. I don't think my mom would get Kayla's bangs trimmed without asking, let alone a permanent hair treatment.

Good luck!