When do you introduce "no"?

[buddyleebaby]

Abigail has lately been doing things like pulling the cat's tail and fur, and pinching me when she's angry.
None of these acts are deliberate, she's just starting to touch things in different ways, kwim?
When she touches something in a manner that will hurt, I take her hand away and gently tell her no. My MIL has argued that I will discourage her from exploring her surroundings.
I of course want her to explore, but I also want her to learn what is appropriate and what is not.
Also, I think she should start learning the concept of "no" before she is big enough to get in real danger.
OPinions?

[jd11365]

Mostly it was around 9 months I think, when things became more deliberate.

[Saartje]

I started saying "no" when Ishie started doing things that could hurt himself or others. This includes pulling my hair, so I expect he wasn't all that much older than your DD. It wasn't a strong no, just a gentle one, as you say, combined with redirecting him (giving him something else to grab onto, for instance); just introducing the concept that there were things he shouldn't do. He never seems to have felt discouraged with regard to exploring his surroundings, and he understood and responded to "no" very early.

"No" isn't about intent, after all; it's simply about, "no, don't do that." We reserve it for things he really can't do (ie, we don't say "no" about pulling the cats' fur; we instead say, "Be gentle!").

[s_gosney]

I still say no very little and my dd just turned 2. I try to tell her what TO DO rather than what NOT to do. It's much easier for children to understand that way, plus it seems less constricting, imo. So, if she's pulling the cat's tail, I would hold her hand in mine and help her pet the cat gently and say something like "see, kitty likes soft touches. We pet the cat gently" or something.
I must tell you that when I was first introduced to this way of thinking, I thought it was hooey, and I think many of my friends thought that too, when they heard me explaining things to my young dd that way. But, the good news is that when all of my friends' kids started saying "no" to everything around 12 mos, my dd almost never said no. I certainly don't want to jinx myself, because as a new 2 y/o she's certainly bound to have many more no moments left, but I do think that this is a good way to teach boundaries while still not discouraging your child from exploring. sorry for the long, rambling answer, but I hth some!

[AdoptChina]

With Connor we have only used no for dangerous situations (if he tried to run into the street for example). Since he doesnt hear "no" often he is startled by it when he does hear it

For other situations where we just didnt like the particular behavior we have done more redirection....like if he were to pull a dogs tail we would say "pulling the dogs tail hurts him....this is how the dog likes to be pet"....and then say "gentle" and help him pet the dog in a gentle manner. If he pulled it again I would tell him that we had to leave the dog alone now b/c he was hurting him and wasn't petting him nicely etc. We have been fortunate that he has really taken to redirection....he also is very understanding when things are explained to him even though he may not like it

One good thing about this was that he has not adapted the word no into his daily vocab lol (which is great considering he is 2 and no is a big favorite word of that age group lol)


ETA: LOL Sherri...we posted at the same time!

[californiagirl]

First, let me say that taking her hand away when you tell her "No" is great -- at this age (and, like the next year worth of ages) it's really, really important to start by making it happen. And I believe it's absolutely appropriate to gently set boundaries for kids this age. It really does work. Our daycare likes to say "It takes about a thousand repetitions to teach them, so you might as well get started on them early." It's also about training yourself to do it right, and for that it really doesn't matter what age the baby is.

However, I think "No" isn't very useful in most situations (I don't think it's bad or it will warp the baby or it will make the baby say "no" back, I just think it's not the most effective thing to do). It's just not clear what you want the kid to stop, and it's a lot for a baby to figure out. I focus on providing a clear rule and giving a positive instruction. If you just say "No", the baby is left to figure out what's OK and what's not (is it not OK to touch the cat at all? is it the way she was sitting that was the problem? is it the noise she made?). If you say "Gentle touch!" and demonstrate gentle touches, the baby gets a good idea what's on your mind without having to work it out through (possibly painful for everybody) experimentation. You can add "Hitting hurts, you may not hurt people" (or cats or whoever). If she's angry you can show her things that are OK to do when you're angry (hit things instead of people tends to be about it at that age).

That should also help your MIL's issue, because it's clear you're not telling her "No touching the cat" you're telling her how to touch the cat. In fact, I found that if I concentrated on finding the OK way to explore, DD got to explore a lot more stuff. We do a lot of "Touch with one finger", for instance, which she had down really well by 8 months.

[Moneypenny]

We try to limit our use of "no", instead saying "gentle" or "hands off" or something. My mother was here for one day and told DD "no" when she threw some cheerios (DH and I say, "Put them on the table, not the floor, please" and now DD shakes her head no at us all the time. Grrrr.
Susan
mama to my cutie pie, Avery
http://www.gynosaur.com/assets/ribbons/ribbon_gold_12m.gif[/img][/url]
We made it to a year!

[Piglet]

I try to avoid "no", but we had a specific situation where DS2 was constantly trying to stick his hands into his food bowl and it was getting impossible to feed him and very hard to avoid getting food EVERYWHERE. I tried to distract him and tried to redirect him, but inevitably, I was left with the only option of saying "no" AND pushing his hand away gently. After 5 or so no's, he stopped putting his hands in the food and has never tried it again. He still eats cheerios with his hands and enjoys self-feeding, but meal time is no longer a battle, followed by a bath :)

I know that there is a time and a place for no, and it is up to all of us to figure out what works. I do find it hard to say anything more detailed to such a young child. When I am dealing with my 4 year old, I am very good about avoiding no, but when dealing with a younger child, sometimes short and simple works best and in some cases no is what works. I do believe that when there is danger or harm that can come of an action, a firm NO __________ is best. When DS1 tried to hit me when he was little, I grabbed his hand and said very firmly, looking him in the eyes, and at his level, 'no hitting'. It worked very well because he knew I meant it.

[buddyleebaby]

I just wanted to thank all you mamas fpr your EXCELLENT advice. It was very helpful to me and I printed it out for my dh to read as well.