Should DH go to a company retreat so close to my due date? (longish)

[wencit]

I need your sage advice again!

A little background info: this year, DH & I attended an Inventor's Retreat hosted by his company. Basically, they took the top 20 patent generators for the year (along with their spouses) and sent them for a weekend to a luxurious resort. They put us up in a really nice lodge (we're talking a place that normally costs $400/night), fed us gourmet meals, and basically just wined, dined, and pampered us for a few days. It was soooooooo heavenly!!! We'd never spend that kind of money on ourselves.

DH has been fortunate enough to be invited to next year's retreat. The only problem? The retreat is scheduled for March 31-April 2, and my due date is March 30. :( The lodge is 2 1/2 hours away from my hospital, so I've reluctantly decided not to go to the retreat.

However, do you think it would be OK for DH to go? Or should he stay home with me, in case the baby decides to make his/her appearance that weekend? On one hand, going to the retreat would be good for DH's career in terms of visibility with the upper management. His company lives and dies by patents, so they truly appreciate those employees who generate the most (hence the lavish and expensive retreat). If he decides to go, I told DH I'd call him as soon as I thought I was in labor, and he would immediately come home, no matter what he was doing. And the chances of a first baby arriving within 2 1/2 hours is pretty slim, right? Besides, I also want him to enjoy himself, since he did work very hard on his patents and earned a spot on the trip.

On the other hand, this is our first baby, and the thought of DH missing his/her birth because he was at some retreat just does not sit well with me. Yes, first labors are usually longer than a few hours, but there is always the chance -- no matter how slim -- that the baby could come out right away, and DH would miss such an important event.

So, what do you think we should do? Should he take a small chance and just go to the retreat, or should he play it completely safe and stay home with me?

Thanks in advance for your insight!

[kedss]

Well, first of all, we had our DS a few days before our due date. Second, won't there be another retreat the following year? I know it won't be the same with a kiddo, but I know I would be upset if my DH missed the birth of our son for a retreat.

Does he have to make his reservation now? I'm just wondering why this is an issue this early. Can he cancel his space at the last minute, I can't believe his boss wouldn't understand.

just my 2.5 cents worth

[Sillygirl]

First, congratulations to your husband for doing so well at work.

I don't know if the visibility is as much of an issue - it would seem the real honor would be to be invited. Upper management knows who he is.

Chances are you would not deliver 2 1/2 hours after the start of labor, true. But you are very early along and don't know how you'll be feeling or if you'll need to take any special precautions.

Also, it might be nice if your husband establishes his family commitments by missing the retreat. If he doesn't show up for the lavish entertainment, it may sit a little better with the company if he has to leave work early one day for a sick child later on.

So all in all I'd say ask him to skip it.

[kensjen]

I think I would have him skip this one. Either your baby will already be here, and of course you would want him to be with you for support and help. Or you will be very close to giving birth, and will want your husband around.

I am sure his boss would understand if he is not there, that should not be an issue. Maybe next time, all three of you can go! I know it stinks to miss out on such a fun, free trip, but this is just part of the sacrifices of parenthood. It will be worth it! :)

I just wouldn't want the stress of him not being there/not making it in time/whatever. I know I would definitely feel that way for my first baby and I still feel that way now. Of course we don't have any family around here or anything, so if DH was away I wouldn't have anyone else to call if I needed something.

I guess it depends on your and your DH's comfort level on this. I told you mine, but yours may be totally different. Good luck figuring it out! :)

[muskiesusan]

We faced the same decision when Alex was due. Dh gets reward trips through work, also quite lavish (or so I hear, I haven't been on one yet b/c of the kids!) and he had one the week Alex was due. He told he work he would be attending, but only if I had delivered the baby (the trip was to the West Indes, so he wouldn't have been able to come back for the birth). Luckily for my Dh the baby came three days before the trip started, so he was still able to go, although he did go a day late. I hated that he went at all, especially with my c/s, but these trips are very important for his career, so that's how it had to be.

Good luck with your decision. I know it is tough!

Susan
Mom to Nick 10/01
& Alex 04/04

[bluej]

DH and I lived 5 hours apart from one another when I was due with our first child. He took his sweet time getting to the hospital after my water broke and I told him it was time, and he still got in on 15 hours of labor :) I did have my dad with me, so I wasn't laboring alone. If you don't have anyone to help you if you were to go into labor, I would say he absolutely cannot go.

With that said, I can honestly say that I would plan on going to the retreat with him! I'm assuming you have the option to cancel if you already have the baby at that time. Sure, laboring in the car for 2 1/2 hours doesn't sound like fun, but being pampered right before giving birth sounds great, so I'd take my chances! That's just me though and I can say that b/c I know what my early labors were like with my first two (the last one was born in less than 3 hours).

You have to do what you are most comfortable with. I might be comfortable being home alone on my due date with my DH 2 1/2 hours away, but that doesn't mean I would be happy about it (moreso b/c I would know that he's eating great food and not having to prepare it or do dishes afterward).

[saschalicks]

I think DH should go. My DH is currently unemployed and if he gets a job it's very likely he won't be around. In the end the visibility is good for DH and will help his career. I think my advice is scewed (sp?) and I'm sorry for that, but I do believe in doing stuff to "look good". However, if baby is already here who will help you while he's gone?

BTW, my b-day is 4/1, so maybe I'll have a baby buddy ;)

[BeachBaby]

I'm another one who wouldn't feel comfortable with my spouse leaving that close to my due date.

While it is true that most first labors do take longer than 2.5 hrs, you can bet your booty that I wanted my husband there with me every second of my labor. ;) If you have someone close to you that can come over and stay with you, this may not be as much of an issue.

Labor aside, however, at 40w pg, I could not easily do much for myself. Trips to the grocery store were agony because it hurt to walk too much and I got tired easily. Ditto for cooking. I agree with the PP who said that at this point in your pregnancy you just have no idea how you are going to be feeling at that point. FWIW, I had an exceptionally easy time being pregnant. I didn't gain too much weight, was never sick, etc. But at the very end as the baby got bigger (and she was only 6 lbs at birth!) and I was having trouble sleeping, it got to be a lot more difficult.

WRT visibility for your husband, I would say he's already received that. He earned a spot this year and again for next; upper mgt clearly knows who he is. I can, however, appreciate that you want him to go and enjoy himself.

Personally, I would skip this year and then hope he'll earn a spot next year. Your baby will be one, and that might be a great time for the two of you to go and have some QT together! :)

[Momof3Labs]

Does he have to decide this early? If I were you, I'd arrange to have someone - sister, mom, MIL, friend, whatever - there with you for that period. If you've already had the baby, then send DH to his retreat and you have someone to help care for you. If you have not had the baby, then maybe he can go for some of the activities, but perhaps not stay overnight. Or maybe it will make sense for him to still go for the whole thing; you'll know better as the time approaches. And you still have someone there to be with you should you go into labor while he is gone.

Another thought is to consider hiring a birth doula - they wouldn't stay with you while he is gone, but could be there pretty quickly after labor starts.

[wagner36]

Charlie was 10 days early, so I would definitely say no! But, 2.5 hours is not far away and I think I'd be comfortable with that. I was 4cm w/ Charlie for like 3.5 weeks, so if you are starting to have lots of pre-labor symptoms, then I would have him cancel at the last minute. If he tells his boss right now that he may have to cancel because of your due date, I'm sure they'll understand.

[wencit]

Thanks for all your responses so far. I seem to be incapable of making decisions without checking with this board first! :) Argh, I still have no idea what to do. Everybody has brought up such great points.

To answer your questions, my parents live about 45 minutes away, so I could always have them come stay with me during the weekend. At least that way, I'd have someone to take me to the hospital or help me around the house, but I would still be disappointed if DH missed the actual birth. My mom will probably help me with the baby after he/she is born, so that won't be an issue if the little one decides to come early.

DH has to tell his company within the next month or so, in order for them to have enough time to prepare all the activities. I think it would probably be all right if he canceled the trip at the last minute, but that wouldn't be ideal, as the company would have booked the room in advance, paid for all the activities, etc etc.

Thanks again for your thoughts. I was kind of hoping y'all would have a unanimous "yes!" or "no way!!!" to make our decision easier. :)

[amp]

No way! That's the weekend you are due! I just about freaked out in panic that I was going into early labor when DH went away last week! And I was little more than a month from my due date! Now he's going somewhere again next week, 4 hrs away, and I'll be just a few weeks from my due date. That is the LAST travel until after the baby gets here. No more traveling allowed!

[marcywench]

I highly recommed a doula if he were to go. She'd be able to help determine if you're in labor, and it would make the time pass faster. Plus, having someone experienced focused entirely on YOU is invaluable (it was for me.)

DH works almost 90 minutes from home. Our doula helped me with the time it took for him to come home.

Not to mention, my birth went...strangely (my doctor had suddenly gone out of town, and the staff was...odd.) If not for my doula, I honestly don't know what we'd have done.

[hez]

We had a no traveling rule when I was ~7 months pregnant with Payton. I think DH had a trip in early June to Germany and that was the last as Payton was due in late August. I specifically told him that if his boss had a problem with it, he could come see me. I had 2nd trimester 'happies' and 3rd trimester 'b*tchies'. No problem with speaking my mind in the 3rd trimester ;)

In this case, Susan's compromise sounds good-- go if you've had the baby (but only if you have help!), stay if you haven't.

[fauve01]

this was an issue for us too. DH has to travel for work, and the month before my due date, he cancelled all travel plans. there were also a couple work meetings that were 2+ hours away and he thought maybe those were doable. like you, i said to him, "well first babies almost always take their time, but sometimes they are quick, so i wouldn't chance it." he skipped those metings and it was a good thing he did! DD was born 2 weeks before my due date; on a Tues morning, i had an OB check and wasn't even a fingertip dialated. we went to bed at midnight that night, i was feeling NOTHING. i woke at about 3:15a with really low groin pain, and woke DH about 4am--contractions 2 minutes apart. we headed to the hospital and DD was born at 5:18am on Wed!

when i got to the hospital the nurse checked me and said "you're complete but don't push." i said "WHAT!???!?" she said "your doctor isn't here yet. she'll be here in about 15 minutes so you can push then." i said "THIS PLACE IS FULL OF DOCTORS SO GET ONE OF THEM!" anyway, i waited for my doc and out DD came. my doula made it for the 20 minutes of pushing.

btw, my mother does NOT have a history of short labors, so family history doesn't necessarily tell you how your labor will be.

we would have been so screwed if DD had made an apprearance during the daytime when there was any TRAFFIC! i am in fear for if we hafve another baby; my own OB said it was lucky DD wasn't born in the car. geeze.

long story short, if you want your DH to be there, have him stay close just in case!!!


i agree with the PP that said it would set a good precedent with his company that he is putting family first. i'm sure his boss would understand. and also, he might win the trip next year!

GOOD LUCK.

Anne + DD 10-03

edited for spelling

[wimama]

I have a similar dilemma. My husband and I usually both go to a conference 11/2 hours from home. We both need to get a certain amount of continuing education credits per year. This is the conference we usually go to since it is so close to home and fulfills are requirements for the year. The conference is scheduled to start 3 days after my due date and run up until 6 days after my due date.

It will be really hard to leave for a conference after my baby is born, since I plan to breastfeed. Besides we probably would not want to leave the baby at home with someone.

I guess I better start looking into finding another way to get CME’s before the baby is born.

Sorry, I wasn’t trying to hijack your post. I just wanted to let you know I feel you pain.

[KrisM]

One of the couples in our birth class had a 3 hour labor (her first). They called the OB, who was annoyed at being woken up at the start of labor, and he said to wait a few hours at home. Two hours later, they were going to the hospital anyway because they really felt they needed to. Her DH took a trip to the car and when he came back the mom said they weren't going and to call 911. They had their baby on the living room floor just before 911 arrived.

So, a super fast labor is definitely possible. They had been at class that night, too. We covered "what to do if you don't make it to the hospital in time" :).

So, I wouldn't want him to go, if it's not a necessary trip. Plus, at 40 weeks, it takes a lot of energy to pick up a glass of water that is 2 feet away on the coffee table! You may want help.

[JBaxter]

I dont think I would have my DH go and all 3 of mine were post date. I felt pretty uncomfortable those last weeks 2.5 hrs away would be to far. The odds are you will take longer than 2.5 hrs to deliver but my SIL didnt she delivered 2 hrs from first contraction. -- I WISH I were that lucky--

[Momof3Labs]

I wouldn't even try to do this conference. Even if you are nursing and can leave the baby with someone, chances are pretty darn good that you won't be physically healed from the birth - NO WAY could I sit for any period of time for 2-3 weeks after DS was born, and he was born vaginally!

[jbowman]

When I was about 38 weeks pregnant with DD #1, DH went to a conference (only overnight) that was about 3 1/2 hours away. I was fortunate in that my best friend and her husband visited that weekend, so they were with me in case I went into labor (and DH wasn't that far away).

That said, I wouldn't let DH leave my side after that (except to go to work)...and DD #1 arrived 9 days late, LOL. Honestly I would tell my DH to skip the conference. Indeed it is true that babies don't always arrive on their due date (just ask my daughter!), but I was on pins and needles at that point! Even if I had the baby earlier than the dates of the conference, I would want my DH around the house for the first week. JMHO. Heck, DH wanted to be around as much as possible and wouldn't leave my side. It is an extremely important time, and one that won't ever be repeated. Again, JMHO.

[R2sweetboys]

It's definitely a personaly decision but I'd say "No way!" Pregnancy is just so unpredictable. You never know what may happen at any given time. Our first son was born just before 36 weeks. I had a picture-perfect pregnancy with 0 complications. So it was a shock when my water broke that day. I was very happy to have DH right there next to me. Actually, my parents happened to be on an island about an hour from where we lived. My sister was able to get a hold of them fortunately and it was early enough that the ferry was still running. They made it there just in time to see their first grandchild be delivered. :) Anyway, I'm rambling.

It sounds like your DH is doing great at work and is already being recognized with the invite. As PPs have said, it would make a statement to his company that family comes first. I can't imagine that they would not understand him wanting to be close to home due to the impending birth of his first child. If they didn't understand(unlikely), I personally would want him to look elsewhere for a job. We've been very fortunate that DH's company(IBM) is very family-friendly. Especially since this is a reward type of trip, it seems it should be O.K. to skip it this time.

Susan- Wow, you are brave to "let" your DH go so far just after having your second child! I would have killed DH if he so much as suggested it. :P How did you do it? Hopefully you had family support.


~Leslie

SAHM to...
Ryan 8/14/00
Matthew 2/14/03