Struggling with the transition to parenting two children

[Rachels]

Yikes, this is hard. Abigail is amazing and wonderful with the baby and seems genuinely happy to have him here, but I'm definitely seeing the fallout of this adjustment. She is very fragile right now and cries so easily, and she's also defiant and struggling with us over every little thing. I, in turn, am really finding myself to be impatient with her and I'm scolding her much more than I ever have. She's asking for it, to be sure, but she's also only three and having a hard time. I'm the grownup and hardly acting like it. I feel like a totally substandard parent. This child that I was enjoying so immensely two weeks ago is wearing me out, and instead of feeling like I have a handle on this mothering thing, I'm feeling like I'm completely unqualified for the job. The newborn stuff is a cinch by comparison. I am so so so so sad. I could tell you I was baby-blues free if things were going better with Abigail, but instead I cry every day over her sadness and my rotten mothering. Tell me it gets better soon!

-Rachel
Mama to Abigail Rose
5/18/02
http://www.gynosaur.com/assets/ribbons/ribbon_amethyst_36m.gif
Nursed for three years!

and Ethan James
10/19/05
http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/bf.jpg


"When you know better, you do better."
Maya

[amp]

I have no advice, as I'm waiting for this to happen. You just validated every fear I have re: having this baby. I'm so worried about my ability to handle it at all.

Hope you get some great advice and support. I'll be following along.

[lmintzer]

Oh Rachel! I wish I could give you a big hug and tell you that you are not alone in this. It's so hard when we KNOW so well the kind of parent we want to be and just aren't there for whatever reason. I have found parenting in general to be so so much harder than I ever expected.

It's extremely draining to parent a child who's going through a tough transition--it's as if they need 100% of your best parenting 24/7. Which is impossible, of course. When I ask myself "Why was I able to handle just about anything that came into my office without losing my temper?" I realized the big difference--it was for only 1 hour. One's own preschooler who is having a hard time doesn't go home. Well, they do go home, but it's with us! Just when we need a break from them, too.

I resonate with your sadness about not enjoying Abigail. I haven't enjoyed a lot of my time with Jack in a long time. It's a hard thing to admit but it's true.

I know you know this better than any of us, but maybe it will help to her from another mom that it's so so normal to feel like this. To feel like the big child is in the way of you enjoying the baby. To wish they would just shape up--or even go away for a little while. The sad feelings too are so common, yet so overpowering. You WILL feel better. They WILL go away. You WILL get better at the juggling act. And Abigail will forgive you and be okay, because you gave her such an awesome awesome start with your gentle, loving parenting style. She can get through this with you even if you aren't perfect ("good enough parenting," right?).

Big hugs to you, and keep posting. We're here for you on your bad days as well as your good.

[aliceinwonderland]

I also have no thoughts in this, but just wanted to say Lisa, I always appreciate your candid, honest posts. For some reason we're programed to always say "Things are just fine, thank you!" and that is so counter-productive. I have been thinking about this a lot, as I just realised a few weeks ago that I did indeed go through PPD, but without ever realising it, and only understand it all now, after I finally emerged from it. I also told DH the very horrible truth that only recently have I started to truly enjoy DS, as an individual with his own personality. Before it was all about taking care of him, doing what one's supposed to do.

[ykc]

Oh, I'm so sorry that things are tough right now! It does get better, really. Learning to parent 2 kids is really challenging, and the fact that you are feeling worn out and impatient is not at all a reflection of how good a mother you are. I'm sure you are a wonderful mother--you just have two children with very different needs right now, and that is hard.

I don't know if you want advice, but here are a few thoughts.

Make sure that Abigail gets a little one-on-one time every day, preferably with both parents (separately, of course), but at least with one. 15 minutes is enough if that's all you can swing. During that time, your attention should be devoted to her entirely, short of a life-threatening emergency with the baby. Let her choose what she wants to do. If it helps, set a timer and tell her that when the timer goes off, her special time is over and you need to pay attention to the baby again, but she'll have special time with mama/daddy again tomorrow.

Occasional special outings with just mom or dad (to the library, park, for ice cream, for a walk, whatever) can also help ease the transition.

Try to give her lots of choices, so she feels in control. Limit her to 2 (maybe 3) choices, so it doesn't become overwhelming. Make sure they're real choices and not ones that you're going to try to talk her out of. Include choices about helping with the baby (to help or not to help, to get wipes vs diaper, to talk to baby while he's being fed or go look at a book). Let her have choices even about things that seem ridiculous. "Do you want to put your cup on the right side of your bowl, or the left?" "Do you want to go to the park and have fun, or go to the park and not have fun?" (ETA: This is not a threat! This is meant to be a silly question, and I'm sure that Abigail will know that you're being goofy!) The point is that she gets the feeling that she's in control of what's happening in her life.

Remember that some of the behaviour is just related to her age. She might have the same behaviour even without the baby around, but you would be less tired and more able to cope with her. In the meantime, don't worry too much if you snap at her more than you'd like. We'd all love to be perfectly kind, understanding and gentle parents, but sometimes it doesn't work out that way. And chances are, our kids will be fine.

It's still the baby blues, even if it's the older child that's making you blue. Your hormones and your brain chemicals don't care which child is getting you down. Please go talk to your doctor if you're feeling really sad or if it doesn't get better soon.

Hang in there! It's really hard, but it really does get better. Make sure you demand all the help you can get, from family, friends, doctors, whomever. I'll be thinking of you!

[stella]

Well, I don't know if it will get better SOON, but it will get better. As a trained psychologist, I'm sure you know that one answer is some time alone with Abigail. Even if it's just 45 minutes to go outside and play with just her while someone else watches the baby - and you're not too far away to nurse if you need to, but so that Abigail recognizes that it's just you and her. And it won't be an instant miracle - she may not be the dream child during your time together, but I expect that it will pay off in longer-term ways.

About that getting better soon part - mine are now 3 and 4 and they are best friends, and having two is wonderful. But it wasn't wonderful when Anna was a newborn.

You're just experienceing what every mother of more than one goes through, and it is extremely hard. But she is learning her new routine and she will return to her sweet self soon enough - as you and Lyn know, it's a transition phase. They are always bumpy. I hope you won't take it too personally. You're not doing anything wrong.

Hugs - and congratulations to you! And don't minimize the effect of those hormones! It will even out...I promise.

Claire

[Karenn]

It is hard, especially those first few weeks, but it does get better. It took about 6 weeks for Colin to move out of the "fragile" stage that you mention. I have to confess that the overall quality of my mothering dropped for awhile after Claire was born. There were some bad days,(still are, like today x( ) but overall, I think I've been able to find the "good mom" in me again.

It's hard right now, but you have some wonderful things to look forward to. :) When DD was just a few weeks old, Colin was sometimes the only one that could calm her down when she would get scared by strangers in the grocery store. They've just recently gotten old enough to start playing together and feeding off of one another and it's such a joy to watch them send each other into fits of giggles over things that I don't understand. Seeing Colin be possesive of his sister for the first time was sweet too, "I don't want her to pat *MY* baby, she needs to pat her own baby! 'Fare' is my baby!"

I don't think it will ever be as easy as it was, but it will definitely get easier!

[squimp]

We're not there yet, but I have a friend who said the new baby was a piece of cake, it was the 3-year-old that took all the work.

So you're not alone, and I know it will get better.

Maybe Abigail needs some more 1:1 time, could you hire a college student to watch Ethan for a couple hours while you play with Abigail?

[bjiang]

You are already getting a lot of good advice. I'm not sure if Abigail is already in pre-school. If not, you could also consider that, so she doesn't feel that she has to compete with her younger siblings for Mommy's attention ALL day long, and you get a block of time to completely devote to the baby.

My 2 kids are 2 yr 10 month apart, and I think having the 1st one in pre-school when the baby was born was very helpful in saving my sanity and reducing sibling rivalry.

[ribbit1019]

One on one time does sound like a good idea. It would be so hard to do right now...but I think it would help.

I am so sorry this is hard on you. Big hugs Rachel!

Christy
"My Mommy" to Maddy born 06/09/04
http://lilypie.com/baby2/040609/3/4/0/-5/.png
and soon to Little Man due 03/02/06
http://bd.lilypie.com/cKLom4/.png

Join the BBB Preggo Pals!!
http://s14.invisionfree.com/BBB_Preggo_Pals/index.php?act=Reg&CODE=0

[kfcboston]

Ugh. Boy, do I ever hear you. It got better with DS after a few weeks, but it was ugly for a while. However, it has gotten very ugly around here again due to sleepless nights for mommy (viruses, infant teething), and DS cutting some molars. Sounds like we're going through the exact same thing - I'm snapping at DS waaaay too much, and often for things that just aren't that important. Sigh.

Hang in there!

[DebbieJ]

Rachel,

I think this is every mother's worst fear when going from 1 to 2. I feel like I can barely handle my almost 2 yo right now; I have no idea how I would handle a toddler and a newborn. Not very well me thinks.

Rachel, you are a FABULOUS mother. You give such sage advice and are so aware of your daughter's needs. You are just going through a rough patch, as most mothers do. Please don't beat yourself up over it.

~ deb
DS born at home 12/03
Breastfed for 20 months and 6 days

http://www.bfar.org/members/fora/style_avatars/Ribbons/18months-bfar.jpg

[DDowning]

Rachel - I so am understanding where you are coming from! I've got a two year old who is still trying to adjust to a new person takin over his position of CEO of the universe! The last three days have been excrutiatingly trying for me. Its as if Carson is deliberately trying to frazzle me to get me upset. No matter how many times I tell him not to push his sister, that she's still little, he'll go right back to doing it. He's picked up on the whole crying to get attention thing that Chloe is doing. Meaning, she'll start to fuss, wanting to be picked up, he'll do it. He sees her with a bottle, he'll run over to his shelf, grab a cup and ask for milk. Once I put milk in it, he'll go run over and lay on the ground next to her. That, I think is cute, but whats infuriating is the pushing and shoving just to get a reaction out of me. I feel like a constantingly have to play goalie to keep her safe! Once more, I keep raising my voice more and more and feel like I'm losing control and have to catch myself. Timeouts are a joke - he just gets up or worse, just starts laughing at me. Its sooo frustrating!!! I'm seriously thinking of putting him in preschool 5 days a week to handle it.

So, yes, I know exactly what you are going through! Hugs!!!

[MarisaSF]

Rachel-
I'm so sorry you're going through these difficult emotions. One of my closest friends has two the same age as your little ones. Her strategy is to teach the 3 yo about looking for people who are "free." He knows that one parent needs to only be taking care of the baby sometimes. She prepares him for alone time with the baby (feeding/changing/putting to bed). At those times, he looks for someone who is "free" (her DH or visitor) or finds a game to play by himself. Other times, they can all be together. I think the key, is looking kiddo straight in the eye and explaining and assuring that "alone time" is only temporary.

Thinking of you. It will get better!

[jesseandgrace]

There will be a time in the not so distant future that your 3 year old will never remember a time without the baby. They really do just adapt. Give her alone time, and something that really worked for me was not saying "the baby needs this or that" all the time, but kind of putting it on me, for instance "Mommy is tired, I'm going to lie down" when I really just needed the baby to lie down. Or, even sometimes just saying "wow, its hard to hear a baby cry all the time, I can't wait until the baby gets a little older and doesn't cry so much, but that is just what babies do when they are this little." I think it helped my son deal with his worries about the disruptive little newcomer, LOL. He liked that I understood the issues too. Also, try to remember when you had your first, if you are anything like me right around this time I was freaked out about how I would handle the one. It is hormonal, be easy on yourself. Not only will things get better, but it will be nice to have them play with eachother, and you will definitely find your rythm. Hang in there.

[Jeanne]

It gets easier. She's 3. Age 3 is way harder than 2 IMO. And it's natural for her to test her limits now that she has to compete for your attention. Sometimes we just respond in a manner than conveys what energies we have left - zero! And since they are too young to understand that, of course it's going to make us feel bad.

I second the PP suggestion to think about preschool. It will give you a much needed break and time with just the baby. And it will add something new to Abigail's routine. Two days of preschool will expose her to a ton of new things and those may inspire you to new routines and activities at home.

[Piglet]

Oh, I feel for you Rachel. I had the same thing here when DS2 was born. I came to the realization (while talking to a mom who has kids my age) that the 1st born will continue to be your challenge forever. I don't mean to sound negative because I don't mean it that way. What I mean is that with subsequent kids, you already know the ropes. You know about feeding, sleeping, clothing, etc. With the 1st, everything is new and you have to learn it all at the moment that you are encountering it. Once I started thinking this way, it helped me put things in perspective. I started treating DS1 like the primary focus (when he needed the special attention) and treated DS2 as the secondary focus. As long as DS2 was clean, dry, fed and warm, I was able to devote my attention to DS1. I know that this didn't come easy and there were many times that DS2 was dragged around in a sling so that I could get out with DS1. I also know that we had MANY ups and downs. It seemed that every few weeks, we had issues with DS1. Now, we have our routines that work really well for the most part. We often split the parenting and DH plays with DS1 and I tend to DS2 or alternatively DH puts DS2 to bed and I play with DS1.

The few concrete suggestions that worked for us are:
- we have special big boy routines that we do with DS1. He gets to eat breakfast with DH every morning or when DH goes to work early, DS1 calls DH on the phone and they talk as they east breakfast (SO cute to watch).

- we engage DS1 as much as possible to help with DS2 - he entertains DS2 better than anyone else and will always put a smile on his brother's face. We also ask him to fetch diapers or wipes when we need the help.

- DS1 is going to preschool every morning and it is SO wonderful for him. He is a different kid when he goes to preschool. He isn't challenging us because he is so challenged at school. He also learned to follow instructions and wait his turn. He is just such a pleasure now that he is in school. Plus, it gives me a break from parenting 2 kids in the morning. I get to focus on DS2 and then when DS1 finishes school, he is my focus.

- naps! DS1 still naps and I encourage them to no end. Even if he were to give up his nap, I would make sure he was doing quiet activity - reading with me or something similarly mellow. When he misses a nap - oy!

Good luck - give yourself and Abigail time. It WILL get better!

[janeybwild]

Rachel, this does get better. What you are feeling is totally normal IMO. Dana is now 4 months and it is only now do I feel that we are all settling down. Megan had a hard time in ways I didn't anticipate or even realize for a while. Fragile is a good word for it. DH really stepped up to the plate to do more fun things with her when I just couldn't be fun mom, and that helped tremendously. Specifically, he took her out of the house to do those things, even if it was just playing outside. Guilt is a wasted emotion here I think, you just make the best of each day that you can….sometimes that’s just getting them both dressed! Hang in there.

[trumansmom]

(((Hugs)))

Yes. It's hard. I guess in a weird way it was easier for us because DS has ALWAYS been a challenging child, so we expected it after DD was born!

The first few weeks and months were the hardest. I think for us, it got easier around 4 months - about the time DD became more interactive and they began to develop their special relationship. You've been given lots of great advice. Our style was very similar to Marina's, and I think it has made life a lot easier.

Hang in there. It does get better. Right now my 2 are in DS' room building towers and castles. Yesterday we were driving home after meeting DH for lunch and I looked in the rear view mirror and saw them holding hands accross the back seat. When an involuntary, "Awww..." escaped my lips, DS simply replied, "She needed me."

It gets better. Abby knows how much you love her. You're growing into your new role as mother of two. She's having to grow into her new role as big sister. Changes and transitions are hard. Cut yourself a little slack.

More (((hugs))). :)

Jeanne
Mom to Truman 11/01 and Eleanor 4/04
Independent Consultant, Do-Re-Me & You!

[Jen841]

I'm not the only one? Thank goodness. I don't mean for someone to be feeling like I am, but it is good to know I am not alone.

Jude has 0 jealousy, but I everything he does is like nails on a chalkboard lately. Today I called another Mom and did a park play date for MY sanity. I threatened to pull it, but gave in b/c MOM needed it.

My saving grace is I still have him in day care 3 days (soon to be 2) a week until my leave is over. I was going to pull him 100% (HATE spending the $), but he needs it (loves his friends and teachers), I need it (recovery time (c-section)) and Evan deserves Mommy Only time like Jude had.

Be comforted that you are not alone. I am totally doing "I'll never" things daily with the two of them, but have given up. An extra 30 minute video or show, or an occassional fast food meal, are not going to hurt my boys.

Smile when the times get tough. It is hard to cry, yell or be angry when you smile. It is an old Customer Service tip I learned years ago and it works!

[TraciG]

I hope you feel better soon, I KNOW how hard it will be for me that's why I keep putting off having another baby but don't forget your also having a tough time because your probably so sleep deprived, without enough sleep one loses patience VERY easily !!!!!!!

Good luck

[mamicka]

>Yikes, this is hard. ... I, in turn,
>am really finding myself to be impatient with her and I'm
>scolding her much more than I ever have. ...
>I'm the grownup and hardly acting like it. I feel like a
>totally substandard parent. This child that I was enjoying so
>immensely two weeks ago is wearing me out, and instead of
>feeling like I have a handle on this mothering thing, I'm
>feeling like I'm completely unqualified for the job. The
>newborn stuff is a cinch by comparison. I am so so so so sad.
> ... I cry every day over her
>sadness and my rotten mothering.

The first 2-3 months after Calvin was born, I could have written the same thing. It does get better, please be gentle with yourself. Having a new baby is hard on everyone at first. Abigail is having a hard time right now but she will come through it more mature & will have learned a lot. You will eventually feel more normal & will be able to handle her a lot better. Hang in there. You are qualified for the job, you are *not* a rotten mother.

Allison

[barbarhow]

Big hugs to you, Rachel. It's funny that you should post this today because I just got home after a "field trip" with the kids. aka-trip to Target, long stop at a construction site to watch the bulldozers and lunch with a friend. Driving home I felt this surge of emotion-it had all gone so smoothly-no fits, no tears, no yelling by me. It was the first time since Anna was born that I felt truly like I was functioning in a manner that could allow me to hold my head up in public.
I could have and I think did-write your post after Anna was born. It feels hard because it is hard. Ethan's arrival means that each and everyone of you has to redefine yourself as a member of your family. It is hard for the adults and must be so confusing for a child. She is so bright and so goodnatured-I think it is a matter of time before she realizes that she can be a daughter and a sister, too and amazingly there is even more love to go around.
I remember the raised voice and impatience I had with Jack What worked for me was to always try to take a deep breath before answering him in those trying moments. I think that keeping a level voice (even when I felt I was going to snap in two) was what helped us navigate the time.
Hang in there-it does get better. Until then take care of yourself, too. A bath, a massage or something to help revive you. The other thing that helped immensely was playdates. Jack got to work off energy with friends and typically my friend would want to hold A-leaving me to be able to devote some attention to J.
Sorry so long. Hugs to you!
Barbara-mom to Jack 3/27/03, a Red Sox fan
and Anna 5/12/05, my little Yankee fan!

[saschalicks]

Me too! I fear this everyday I get closer to the next one. I am in tears right now for the realization of what I'm doing to Jonah and I don't even mean to.

[kboyle]

I'm sorry you are having a tough time, I know how you feel. I've been pretty short with DS1 since the baby's been born, too. I find that if I focus on DS1's needs first then he's more happy which makes me yell less. As long as DS2 isn't starving or has poop up his back a little crying won't hurt him if I've got to tend to Charlie's needs. At 2 (or 3 in your case) they WILL remember you focusing all your attention on the baby, the baby won't remember that. So I make sure DS1 is fed, changed, and happily playing before I feed or oggle Max. Obviously there are times when he can't come first, but he knows that.

Max is 3 mo and it's not starting to get any easier. He is out of the newborn sleepy phase so he needs more entertainment and attention, which is a lot tougher than the 1st 2 months. Since I have to entertain him more I have less time focusing on Charlie and he's been acting out a little, but he understands that I have to be with the baby. He's not happy, but he understands.

Don't worry :)

[s7714]

(((Hugs))) Yes, it is hard. It will get better after the first month or so, but I can't honestly say it improves to the point where everyone's happy 24/7. My older DD is doing the same things Abby is even still. She's also suddenly started sucking on her fingers. She was never a thumb/binky sucker in the slightest, so we're pretty sure this is steaming from us talking about how her sister has devolped a love affair with her thumb in the past couple weeks.

Things should seem better once your hormones level out a little!

Jennifer
Mommy to
Annalia 3/03
Sophia 6/05

When raising kids the days are oh so long, but the years are short.--John Leguizamo

[Rachels]

Thank you all. I'm going to print this so I can read it later. After the other thread, I'm feeling infinitely worse than I ever did earlier today, especially because I only meant to be supportive of a mom who wants to nurse, truly. I'm feeling totally vulnerable and horrific. It SUCKS that I posted something so vulnerable on the same day that I got bashed all over another thread. I'm sorry I didn't say things well today, and I'm sorry I opened myself up here with this one. But the support of the people who posted here does mean a lot, and I appreciate it. I wish I hadn't needed it.

-Rachel
Mama to Abigail Rose
5/18/02
http://www.gynosaur.com/assets/ribbons/ribbon_amethyst_36m.gif
Nursed for three years!

and Ethan James
10/19/05
http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/bf.jpg


"When you know better, you do better."
Maya

[psophia17]

Please keep in mind that many people who responded to the other thread read that one first - and responded right away.

And smile, Mama, it will all be okay :)

[squimp]

Rachel, Please don't be too hard on yourself. I hate to see the feeding frenzy that can get started on this board once someone starts criticizing another mom. It makes me feel sick that people can treat each other that way. Please don't take the criticism too personally. Take care of yourself.

[kimbe]

I can't offer any advice -- I wish that I could help you because you have helped me so much in the past few months. I just wanted to tell you that I am thinking of you and hoping that you feel better soon. You are not a rotten mother -- you are wonderful and just getting used to a new situation. (Think of it as the first semester at college or something!) In a few weeks you'll wonder why you were so upset -- it'll be no sweat!

FWIW --- my baby sister was born when I was 4 and I wasn't happy about it either. I dropped the mobile on her head while she was in the crib! LOL (well, we LOL about it now!) It's hard to share and have someone move in on your territory. :) It all worked in the end.

Many hugs! Hang in there! When things get too rough, just hold your babies and kiss and hug them! They'll always make it better!

[muskiesusan]

Rachel, I think it is important that you express your feelings and know that it is a hard transition. I think too many people don't talk about the difficulty of parenting thus making us believe that we are alone in how we feel.

I am 18 months into parenting two and I can't say it has gotten easier, just different. I have become better at managing and lowered my standards on A LOT of issues. It took me a long time to get over the "guilt," for lack of a better word, of having to divide my time between the two. Nick has always demanded a lot of my time and, unfortuately, the patience I had with him before Alex came along isn't always there now. I do lose my temper with him much more now than prior to Alex. I also had to make a point of doing things with Alex other than nursing as it was easy to just put him to the side to deal with Nick. Of course, this could be why Alex is so easy and laid back, but that is another post!

Nick now is in preschool 5 days a week for 3 hours and that has helped us a ton, but we still have our bad days. He is testing new boundaries everyday, as is Alex, with me and each other, and we are all still learning how to cope with each new skill.

Some days I am not the parent I strive to be, but I am doing my best, which is all I can do. The times you see the kids interacting with each other you realize what a gift you have given them and just how wonderful it is having two.

Susan
Mom to Nick 10/01
& Alex 04/04

[Raidra]

We're having a hard time here, too.. but in a different sort of way. Colwyn has been a complete doll since Lachlann was born, so it's more the baby that I get frustrated with. He only likes it if I take care of him (nobody else can feed him or even play with him some of the time). He cries a lot more than Colwyn did and is totally unpredictable. I feel so badly for Colwyn, who adores his little brother and doesn't seem to either notice or care that it's the baby which keeps me from playing with him as much.

I'm having a hard time adjusting to the level of work and planning it takes to get out of the house. Before the baby was born, Colwyn and I could leave the house at a moment's notice and spend all day out if we wanted to. Colwyn loved being out and rarely threw fits or cried in any way. The only thing I had to worry about is him possibly falling asleep early in the car. Now, with the baby.. it's a huge production to get them out of the house, and more often than not, we'll get to wherever we're going and the baby will scream the whole time. Today in Target, I had to swing the baby in the infant seat while pushing Colwyn around in the shopping cart because the Lachlann wouldn't be quiet otherwise.

I keep a sort of weekly journal, and when I read back to what Colwyn was like at 12-13 weeks, we were having so much fun with him. I was head over heels in love with Colwyn, and I still am. I just can't manage to feel that way with Lachlann yet, and I feel like a total #@$% of a mother for resenting an innocent baby.

So then, when Colwyn does some minor thing (like, god forbid, sucking on the baby's binky instead of giving it to me when the baby's screaming) and I flip out, I end up wondering what was wrong with me to want to screw up the wonderful thing I had going with just Colwyn. Here's my wonderful little boy who helps me so much with the baby, and I snap at him.

So, even though we're having problems with different kids, I know how you feel about not being able to give any more. I'm hoping it will get better.. it has been, but slowly.

[marinkitty]

I'm sorry that you are feeling piled on for what was said in the other thread on a day you are feeling particularly overwhelmed about now having two children whose needs must be met. As others have said already it does get easier, but it takes time and the transition is hard for all involved. Even the most well-adjusted toddlers are going to be challenged by no longer being the center of their parent's universe and even the most patient mother will snap a few times in the face of no sleep, a demanding toddler and a needy nursling.

But I do think it is worth noting that it is ALWAYS important to keep in mind that every single one of us has our vulnerable moments and that making a comment on putting away the formula can be the last straw in a bad day for one mother just as the feeling that you are being attacked when you need support can be the last straw in a bad day for another.

I am certain you mean well when you post on the nursing topic, but think it is always such a good idea to make sure the tone of your posts does not convey something (whether it be judgment, superiority or just unsolicited facts/opinions or information) that can crack another new mamas fragile grip on keeping things together. We definitely all should be supporting each other, not subtely undermining each other's confidence or adding to the already overwhelming pressure we put on ourselves as mothers.

I hope your day improves, Rachel.

Holly
Mom to Mia (3.17.03) and baby brother Jack (3.23.05)

[Rachels]

There is unsolicited advice all over these boards. There are people who give information and facts and opinions every day on every topic. I'm not the only mother in the world to have experienced the back-up can as stressful; some have even posted as much on that thread. As I keep saying, it was meant to remove pressure rather than add it. And asking for support here but continuing to be chastised for a comment I made ten hours ago blows. I said I was sorry. The standard that you're asking me to keep in terms of never miscommunicating and always phrasing things perfectly isn't possible and certainly isn't something other board members are held to. And while I posted something I intended as support (even though it didn't come across that way to some, for which, as I said, I am deeply sorry), some of the stuff that was posted about ME was out-and-out intentionally nasty. So my day is not exactly improving. :(

-Rachel
Mama to Abigail Rose
5/18/02
http://www.gynosaur.com/assets/ribbons/ribbon_amethyst_36m.gif
Nursed for three years!

and Ethan James
10/19/05
http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/bf.jpg


"When you know better, you do better."
Maya

[abigailsmom]

Rachel- I PM-ed you!

Robyn
Mama to my Precious Pooper, Abigail

[Vajrastorm]

Chin up, mama. I only have one, but everything I've heard from mothers of two or more is that the first few months are HARD HARD HARD.

I'm sorry that your good advice in another thread was trashed so unkindly. I know what you meant, and how you meant it. I kept no forumla in my house for that very reason.

You're a great mom and Abigail will make it through this just fine. Are you able to find time to take care of yourself also? If I lived nearby I'd offer to take her on a playdate or walk the little one around the neighborhood while you spent time with Abby.

Cyber hugs coming your way.

[marinkitty]

Well, I feel the need to respond to this, unfortunately. You were the one who mentioned in this thread feeling unsupported because of the other post so I was only responding to what you brought up yourself. Raising the other post here only perpetuates what is going on in the other thread on both sides. And when I say that I hope your day has improved and get a sarcastic remark like at the end of your response back in my face, I guess that makes me wonder why bother?

But all that aside, I don't think anyone is asking that people, or you in particular, be perfect. Just sensitive in the words used on what are known to be hot button issues. Many, many folks here have stepped on toes, some knowingly, most unknowingly I'm sure. You certainly should not be singled out on that. And it would totally suck to have having a terrible day and then feel hit out of left field on something you meant as helpful or innocuous. But, that being said, I know for a fact that a number of new moms have been terribly hurt by comments just like the one made today - it is not always just the OP who feels badly reading a post, but other moms reading it too. So if today teaches any of us (you, me, those who responded to your initial remark) how wrongly something we write here can be misinterpreted and avoids another similar event in the future, then good.

So all I'm saying is it goes both ways. Every new mother deserves sensitivity - you and those who cannot/choose not/are but are having trouble breastfeeding.

Holly
Mom to Mia (3.17.03) and baby brother Jack (3.23.05)

[toomanystrollers]

Rachel,
Have you considered a quality preschool program for her? I imagine she may appreciate some non-baby brother activities and enjoy making friends her age. You may be able to enroll her in a program that has openings still or keep in mind, that January is the big month for South Shore preschools to begin registering for the Fall.

[alleyoop]

Rachel,
With the first one, I was a weeping idiot for the first 4 weeks. With the second one, I cried once... and that was while watching my first have a two-hour sobbing tantrum into the back of his dump truck the day we got home from the hospital. It broke my heart.
It does get so much better! Just hold on, one day at a time. This too shall pass and you will have given her the greatest and most enduring gift of her lifetime.

Hugs to you.

[ismommy]

Have you considered a quality preschool program for her?

Pam that is such a GREAT idea! Do you mind telling me what is required for preshool up in MA? Do the kids need to be vaxed? Also what about potty training? We are hoping to move home so I will be curious. Of course Bella trained herself at 25 months. She was just so aware and able to tell me what she needed

Oh and Rachel I am sorry you are having a hard time. I found it got much harder now that Gunner is mobile. Bella is definitely reacting to that much more than when he was a newborn. But I continue to try and do my best as we all do.
Helene
mommy to Isabella
and Gunner
http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/candle.gif

[Rachels]

I didn't mean to be sarcastic. I'm sorry. I'm angry and extremely tired and obviously having an incredibly crappy computer day. You're right that I am the one who conflated these two threads. I responded to your post with all my frustration about the whole day, and I didn't mean to take it out on you. I'm off for the night to regroup.

-Rachel
Mama to Abigail Rose
5/18/02
http://www.gynosaur.com/assets/ribbons/ribbon_amethyst_36m.gif
Nursed for three years!

and Ethan James
10/19/05
http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/bf.jpg


"When you know better, you do better."
Maya

[ehmom]

i felt the exact same thing after dd was born. i came to realize that i was sad to lose my time with my son just the way he was. he was emotional and touchy and going through a tough adjustment. i was busy with baby and sleep deprived. all i could think about was how easy it was before and how much fun we had together before. i had to just hug him and cry and get through a little mini-grief period that thing were never going to be the same as they were before. it was never going to be just us anymore. flash forward 6 months... we are having more fun than ever. one more warm body in the house means more laughter, more warm tootsies, more love, more time away from the tv and other distractions. i feel like my play time with ds is even more special and fun because i really focus on him and make it special.
hth, em

[lmintzer]

Rachel,
I PMed you (I think! I hope it went through).

[marit]

Rachel,

My baby is 5 months old, and older DD still has issues, that I am sure are connected to the baby brother thing. It won't stay THIS bad for a long time, but they are definitely going through a process that takes time. They have to learn that they are not #1 all the time any more and that is very hard.

Some advice I got (from someone really smart...), and trying to implement.
1. You have to allow her her feelings. It is OK to be sad and angry (which leads me to #2:)
2. It is not your job to fix it for her. You can't MAKE her happy or anything else. She needs to learn things her own pace and way. Once you realize that, it takes a big burden off your shoulders.
3. What we should (try to) do is approach each situation out of love, not fear, and treat her with respect as a human being.

I hope I make sense.

Good luck and hugs,

[pritchettzoo]

Two is crazy hard when you're trying to do the best for both kids and respect their individual needs. I feel like I'm not doing well by either. One word: Zoloft.

Anna
Mama to Gracie (Sept '03) and Eli (July '05)

[Tracey]

My friend and I were talking just the other day about trying for second babies. We were asking each other how do people who have big families do it. Mothering is already hard with just one. The general consensus was that modern day life is just not that conducive to child rearing and it's making for some stressed out mamas.

We are so isolated. Many are estranged from their families. Even if families are still emotionally connected, support from extended family is not what it once was. Relatives may not live in the same state, much less the same home. Also, many grandmas aren't available to help out since they are still working.

Many of us lack a sense of community in our neighborhoods. I know that I only know three of my neighbors. I rarely see children outside playing. They are either in their homes, or being carted off to different activities. Once upon a time women sat on their porches and talked while the children played. The current substitute for this would be the playdate. I don't remember any playdates set up for me as a child. You played with whoever was around. I remember going outside to play and being told to just be home by dark. With the advent of the need for something like the Amber Alert, those days are over.

I don't have any answers, but I just wanted to validate what you are feeling. Being a Mom is hard...it's dang hard. It has also been the most amazing experience of my life. The parent-child relationship is so uneven. She'll never understand how much I love her until she has her own children, and then she won't believe I loved her that much. Also, I love my mother dearly and I was lucky to have a good (though wonderfully flawed and human) one, but I do not love her like I love my child. I suspect my daughter will feel the same way.

Hang in there, don't be afraid to ask for help, and don't be afraid of not being perfect.

[C99]

Well, first you just have to cut yourself a break. I don't think having a hard time with the transition or parenting not up to your usual best is reflective of substandard parenting in general. You do the best you can with the resources you have at the time, and the struggles will pass or ease as your older one comes to accept and love your younger one and you stop feeling so guilty that adding another one to the family means that your eldest gets a smaller piece of the Mama time pie.

[darby24]

This is the time that I take my older nephew out. To the park, the mall, the aquarium, the grocery store anywhere but home! I even took my nephew to Gymboree for a session during those newborn months. If you have the opportunity, let her get out and blow some energy with someone else for an afternoon.

Things will get better.

Big time hugs for you.

[essnce629]

Rachel, I haven't been on the boards very much lately, but I just wanted to let you know that I have been thinking about you. It breaks my heart that you are having a hard time right now. (((Hugs))) to you and Abby. You are a great mother and don't you forget it :). It will get better.

***Latia
Conner, my homebirthed water baby, 8/19/03
http://www.babiesonline.com/babies/a/aug2003angel
http://www.gynosaur.com/assets/ribbons/ribbon_sapphire_24m.gif Self-weaned at 24 months! http://www.windsorpeak.com/dc/user_files/9870.gif

[sidmand]

Rachel,

I don't have any real advice since I only have one and feel totally overwhelmed with just him sometimes!

But I hate to see anyone not get support when they need it.

This board has been amazing in many respects, but every once in awhile things get stuck on and attacked when they shouldn't.

I know it's so hard, especially when you're feeling crappy and need support.

Hang in there! You're a great mom, even if it doesm't always feel that way. And your kids will know that too. HUGS.

Sorry for any typos--typing with kiddo onboard.

Debbie

Mom to Sawyer!
http://lilypie.com/baby1/060607/0/3/1/-5/.png (http://lilypie.com)

[Moneypenny]

Big hugs, Rachel. I hope today is infinitely better for you than yesterday was!

Susan
mama to my cutie pie, Avery
http://www.gynosaur.com/assets/ribbons/ribbon_gold_12m.gif[/img][/url]
We made it to a year!

[Dcclerk]

Big hugs, Rachel. I hope that today is another day. It's hard, and wonderful. And you honestly will get to a point where you think, hey, I'm doing this.

Here is a whole bunch of not-so-solicited-but-possibly helpful advice.

1) Take care of you. It seems like it is impossible, but you can always find something special to do for yourself for just 5 minutes. For me, it could be getting some delicious Peet's coffee when I didn't think I had the energy to move on (decaf could be sufficient for my mental needs), or getting out for a walk (DS in the stroller, DD in the sling), reading one magazine story after DS went to bed and DH took care of DD for a couple of minutes, etc.

2) Identify feelings, both hers and yours.
I think that it is great that you are in tune with where Abigail is, as well as yourself. It helped me a lot to identify it for both of us. For the first few months, I was giving DS lots of words to identify how he was feeling, like "you're having a hard day today, aren't you? You feel sad because you want mommy to play with you right now, but mommy has to feed baby, too" or "you are having a hard time making good choices today, aren't you? You want more attention from mommy right now, and you're having a hard time figuring out how to get it." First I needed to help him figure out what was going on with him, and then, often, I could then come up with a "solution" that worked with both of our needs, like reading together while nursing and then playing with him with DD in the sling.

The other thing I did, was identify my own feelings for DS, like "I am really frustrated right now, and am having a really hard time helping you and helping the baby right now. I am sorry that I don't have it all figured out, yet, but we will together soon. In the mean time, I love you very much and I need to give you a hug." I can't tell you how often it helped to admit to DS that I didn't have it all together, ask for his forgiveness, and know that I could try again. I could wind myself out of my stress, once I named it aloud, if that makes sense. It helped me not feel so overwelmed, and that I could get through it.

3. Make your expectations clear and your response neutral.
I tried to make my expectations very clear when I absolutely had to attend to DD. For example, "I have to change baby's diaper right now, would you like to come help me? If not, you can play with your X ..." If DS acted out during that time, then I worked really hard at not yelling, but providing consequences. I tried not to make it a punishment, so much as a logical result (which usually he didn't care for) of his actions. E.g., you were playing with the refrigerator's water tap, we cannot play right now because you need to clean up all of the spilled water.

I sure hope everything gets better for you soon. I know it will. Be gentle on yourself. Everything seems better once you get a little more sleep and the initial hormones go away.