non-CIO families - how did you get DC to sleep on their own?

[babymama]

So far, we've been a non-CIO family. DS sleeps in his own bed. At night, I usually lie down in his bed with him until he falls asleep - usually takes 15 minutes, but sometimes up to 30 minutes. I'm worried, though, that with baby #2 on the way - this routine just won't be feasible anymore.

On the advice of a friend, I tried telling him that I would stay with him for just 10 minutes and setting the timer. But when it was time to get up and go, he cried and asked me to lay down (signing sleep and pointing for me to get back on the bed). I just couldn't walk out. I tried this twice this week and got the same result. Is it something that I just need to keep trying?

I'll add here that my DH travels a lot for work (3-4 days/wk). So I won't have his help to watch the new baby while I get DS to sleep.

Help! Am I going to have to do CIO? Any advice that you can offer will be much appreciated.

Edited to add - DS doesn't need cuddling to go to sleep, he just wants to know that I'm with him. he prefers cuddling/holding his body pillow to hugging me, though he does like tackling me if he's not yet sleepy enough. I usually get up and walk out after he's asleep.

Lydia
Mama to Santiago, born 11/16/03 and
One on the way, due 01/03/06

[aliceinwonderland]

We don't. DS falls asleep not neccesarily held, but laying next to one of us(usually DH) in the futon we have in the nursery. Sometimes he hugs us as he falls asleep, sometimes he goes to the corner of the bed and finds his comfort there...We lay there till he goes to sleep, then leave...When we go to bed, we move his from futon to the crib...He moves back to the futon with one of us (again, usually DH) in the middle of the night.

Honestly, we have not tried actively to get him to sleep on his own, it's just not important to us at this point...So I am not saying it can't be done, just that we have not tried ;)

[holliam]

Honestly, we didn't do anything. One day she just decided she didn't need to be held to go to sleep. She just kept fussing and fussing and reaching for her crib. So, we put her in and she settled right down. She pretty much settles down on her own. If she cries, we come back right away.

She just is a really good sleeper, though!

Holli

[slknight]

We didn't CIO and did eventually get DS to fall asleep on his own. Our situation was a little different though because I had been nursing him to sleep and transitioned to getting him to fall asleep without nursing. So it's not quite the same thing. In your case, he knows how to fall asleep, he just wants you there.

I would try taking it very slowly. First, see if you can try sitting on the bed instead of lying in bed. Work on that for awhile. Then maybe try sitting in a chair in his room (or on the floor). Slowly transition to maybe being part way across the room or near the door. I read an article that told how to do this.

In DS's case, it actually took a few weeks to progress to this. We never resorted to CIO, although he did fuss a few times when I would leave the room and I would always go right back in. Eventually, one night I really had to go to the bathroom, and by the time I got back in, he was asleep.

He has gone through a few phases (like when we switched him out of the crib) when he has wanted me to be there with him and we have gradually done something similar.

I often have good luck with telling him I need to do things and that I'll be right back. I don't lie to him. It gives me an opportunity to leave for a few minutes but he knows I'm coming right back. Like I say, "Mommy needs to get a drink of water. I'll be right back." And I go get one. Or I say I have to go to the bathroom. Or make a quick phone call or something. I do actually do these things and I ALWAYS go back. But it gets him used to me being there, kwim? And he doesn't cry. I think in your friend's suggestion, 10 minutes might be too long for him. Try really short 2-3 minute things with a specific task. HTH!

[ellies mom]

This is what we did while I was transistioning DD to fall asleep on her own. I'd sit in a chair right next to crip and every weeks or two I'd move the chair further away, until I could sit on the bed. We've finally gotten to where I can even leave the room sometimes, but other times I have to sit on the bed and sing a couple of lullabies. It takes a while but you will see some progress.

[stillplayswithbarbies]

We didn't "do" anything to get her to sleep on her own. We just waited until she was developmentally ready to do so. With Logan, that happened at about 15 months of age.

[kellyotn]

I did a similar routine with DD. At first I had to lay WITH her, which was hunky-dory (most of the time) when she was a singleton but exhausting and frustrating when DS came along.

It took her a long time to fall asleep AND be deeply enough asleep that I could leave. (Darn squeaky floors. grrr.) With the arrival of #2 I was at the absolute end of my rope I was so tired and had so many things I could have been doing for those hours!

I started standing by her bed, then sitting across the room (usually with something else to do - reading, nursing #2, dozing off or otherwise being present but *not* focusing on her), then I moved out to the doorway. She could still see me if she tried, but escape was easier b/c I was past the biggest floor squeek and I wasn't directly in her line of vision. It took a few weeks I'd say. Really, its a blur, I was so tired. :-)

She was nearly 2, so I did always explain things to her.
"I'm going to sit here tonight."
"I need to get something, I'll be right back."
Eventually, "I love you, I'll be downstairs (nirvana!!), I'll see you in the morning!"

HTH,
kelly

[BethS]

DS was going to sleep on his own prior to his big boy bed and baby sister. Now we're back to holding him until he's asleep or almost asleep. We'll continue it until he seems to not want to do it anymore. Most nights I really enjoy the time together. However, some nights it is a juggling act as I'm here on my own a lot. Usually, I put DD to bed first while DS plays or sits with us. Once she's asleep DS and I do his bedtime routine (PJs, teeth, a couple books, prayers, singing.) I will say it was a bit of a challenge when DD was a newborn but if she was awake at bedtime I'd put her in the swing/bouncy while I put DS to bed.

When DH is home we each take one.

[cinrein]

We did the same type of thing. Anna was doing well with us walking out of the room, but then starting wanting someone to stay with her until she fell asleep again. We were successful with staying with her a bit, then saying we needed to go get something, brush teeth, go to the bathroom, etc... We always promised to come back and check on her and did. I also reminded her to call if she needed anything before we got back (she never did). Nowdays we just have to leave the door open for her so she can see into the hallway.

I think that some kids just fall into a habit of having things a certain way to go to sleep and may or may not really need things to be that way. It could be DS is just used to having you there, but doesn't NEED you there to fall asleep. Hopefully other posters will have some good ideas for encouraging him to fall asleep on his own. I can certainly see how watching him fall asleep would be difficult with a newborn and husband that travels.

Cindy and Anna February 2003

[alkagift]

Lydia,
You're smart to think of this now, honestly. While it's nice for some people that things just magically fell into place at some point, that's not true for everyone and it may be unreasonable to expect that you can do this when you have two kiddos. I've heard good things about Ferber's method of slowly moving yourself across the room at night. It's not CIO, and you can incorporate some additional snuggle time into the routine to help with the transition. It takes a while to accomplish, but you have some time! Even Weissbluth, who is the CIO expert, says that Ferber works if you have the patience for it.

Best of luck to you, I'm sure everything will work out!

Allison
Mommy to Matthew, who is TWO!

[hez]

Patience and a good routine. We had to stay with Payton for the transition to sleep, too-- sitting next to his crib.

We've always read books-- let him pick them, re-read them over and over, whatever. And he always has music. While DH was gone for a weekend, I finished reading books with Payton, gave him one to read (normal occurrance-- he likes looking at the pictures when we're done), and told him I had to 'go potty' and would be back to check on him. Kissed him on the head and walked out (making sure not to lie, I did go potty!). I peeked in after half an hour and he was out on his own. So I checked on him (like I said I would), put the book away and turned out the light. And that was that!

This has only been in the last month or two-- I tried this many times before with limited success. There are occasional nights where things don't work quite as well, but 95% of the time we tell him we need to go do something and will be back to check on him and he lets us go. 5% of the time he'll read for awhile and then holler for one of us (and ask that one to sit next to his crib).

So yes, keep trying! I wonder if letting Payton read himself to sleep has been the key we were looking for. I'm not asking anymore though, since it's working!

[jec2]

thankfully finn has been pretty good at getting to sleep by himself at night (naps are a difft. story). We've also CIO'd but for the middle of the night wakings. However, at about 18 months finn went thru this phase where he we had to stay with him until he fell asleep. It lasted about six weeks and so we started doing the old "scooting a little bit further away from him and closer to the door" thing every night until finally we got to where we could close the door but had to stay in the hall and constanly tell him "night night." Maybe this would work for you?

[mharling]

This might sound hokey, but could you leave a picture of yourselves in his room where he could see it from his bed?

Mary - Some days work. Some days don't.
Lane - April 2003
Faye - March 2005

[kellyotn]

DD "reads" in bed now too. She's 3. She'll pick out a few books and I'll read 1 or 2 to her. Then I leave and she stays in bed and looks at them, usually chattering away for a bit and then konk out - books all askew across the bed. :-) She definitely is not one to simply snuggle into bed and close her eyes. She needs to wind down.

My 1 year old son on the other hand, has to be in his crib to fall asleep. He's hardly ever falls asleep in someone's arms or cuddling. He doesn't care if I'm there or not. He just gets comfy and drifts off.

[wagner36]

One of us lays down with DS until he goes to sleep at night, every night. He's not napping now (most days), so at least he goes to sleep pretty quickly.

Our big problem isn't that he won't go to sleep on his own (although it is a problem), but that he wakes up pretty early (between 10 and 12) at night and needs us to go BACK to bed with him.

I'm not sure what we're going to do. DH says he's going to take care of it after Charlie gets over this cold and that it will only take a few nights, but I am still nervous.

[jec2]

Perhaps, but I think there is a difference between "developmentally ready" and habit. After aprox. 6 years of sleeping with Dh, I find it nearly impossible to fall asleep or sleep well without him because I am used to him there but I am more than develpmentally capable of sleeping by myself. If this is so for a grown woman of 30+ years, I can imagine the same for a child as well.

[californiagirl]

We read a book, then we nurse, then I lay down with her for a while (actually, she lies on top of me, holding on, while I count 100 of her breaths). Then I put her down in the warm spot where I've been sitting, snuggle a stuffed animal up to her, tell her "I love you, I'll see you in the morning, good night" and walk away.

We transitioned to this (from lying with her until she went to sleep) by having me sit next to the bed. She said "Lie down!" and "Mama sleep!" and hooowled, while I sat next to the bed and said "I will be here for you, but I am going to sleep in my bed with Daddy." I would offer to hold her foot (that used to work) and she would sit up and not let me touch her and pat the pillow and say "Lie down, Mama!" and cry. (If I made a motion like I was going to leave, she would cry harder. If I tried to touch her, she would bat me away.) Then she would Flop! onto the pillow, sigh once, and be out like a light. We did three days of this, each one shorter, and now I put her down, she burrows into the warm spot, and sometimes she says "Mama comin?" or talks/sings to herself, but she doesn't cry.

I have to say we made earlier tries with variations of this and had limited success (it would work for a while but involve her starting to howl again after I left, and somebody would have to go comfort her, usually just by standing in her doorway but occasionally by actually lying her down and holding her foot for her). So some of it I think was just that she became ready. On earlier tries I really did have to stay with her until she fell asleep.

[cvharris]

We were in the same boat - DH works later hours so isn't home when DS goes to bed and I'm on my own. DS also wanted me to lie with him until he fell asleep and being pregnant and tired, I usually just did it. But since we have a new baby coming soon as well, we started making changes about 3 weeks ago.

I agree with what others have said about it being a matter of habit. Of course they want you to lay in bed with them but they don't need that. We have been using methods that others have described here (moving further and further away from him each night) with good results. At first he cried a bit (no more than 5-10 minutes) when things started changing (it was more of a complaining cry, not a hysterical cry) and now he doesn't complain and falls asleep much quicker. When we put him to bed, we tell him where we are going to be, and once he felt secure with that, he stopped crying about it.

It took us about 2-3 weeks to get to the point where we are now just giving him a kiss goodnight and either sitting across from him in the room or just leaving the room (depending on how tired he is). Sometimes he will climb out of bed and come look for us if we leave, but that behavior has lessened to maybe once a week. He goes right back into bed when that happens.

Good luck!

Carolee
Mama to Ben (6/03)
It's a BOY! Baby brother due 12/18/05

[tarahsolazy]

Well said, Juliet!

[aliceinwonderland]

So true. I am usually very happy by myself, yet when alone in Chicago this summer I had to leave the TV on at night (NEVER had to do this before or since) as I had trouble puttling myself to sleep, LOL

This resulted in waking up easch morning to the very same song (VH1) That "wake me up when September ends" tune. LOL

[Melanie]

We just waiting until Ds was developmentally-ready. For him, it was in his late two's. We do the same routine every night ending with a story in bed. Then we kiss/hug goodnight and turn on some soothing music. The step before this was the same except we stayed until he fell asleep.

[muskiesusan]

Nick got into this habit when I was late in my pregnancy with #2 and after the birth. My DH travels as well and it was just impossible for me to continue this with two children. I started putting Nick in our bed telling him that I couldn't lie with him, but he should sleep on my pillow and I would I snuggle with him when I came to bed. I would then move him to his room after it was time for me to sleep. Now it is about 50/50 on whether he goes to bed in his or our bed.

Good luck. I know how stressed you must be.


Susan
Mom to Nick 10/01
& Alex 04/04

[smilequeen]

I feel sort of guilty answering this.

Truly, my son was a TERRIBLE sleeper until he was 10 months old. Feeding and rocking to sleep, not able to put him down until he was totally out, waking up every 2-3 hours, half hour naps, the whole bit. We were exhausted, I had PPD, and it was very hard. But we did our best and tried to be as patient as possible.

For us, at 10 months he literally turned a developmental corner. Sleeping through the night. 1-2 hour naps, the whole deal. At 10 1/2 months he started throwing absolute fits if we tried to rock him to sleep. He wanted to lay down alone. We did not leave him, but laid on the floor next to the crib and did whatever he needed. Now we can lay him down and leave the room. I don't know...maybe you could move from the bed to the floor, then to the door and then out? So long as that doesn't make him cry...

The only thing that would concern me is that even if you get things better now, he may regress after the baby comes anyway...and I do think you could incorporate the baby into the bedtime routine too...no good advice as to how though...

[marinkitty]

So true Juliet! I was just saying to DH the other night that on the few nights Jack has actually slept in his crib later than when I head to bed, it is so hard to fall asleep without him snuggled against me.

Holly
Mom to Mia (3.17.03) and baby brother Jack (3.23.05)