OT-Praising Spouses for good behavior?

[bostonsmama]

I'll just start off by saying that my DH is a very frugal person when it comes to energy/water/gas conservation and anything having to do with money/spending. I was reading the children in cafes post and Beth (brittone2?) wrote about lousy tippers. It made me laugh b/c previously when Dh and I went anywere to eat he was the most lousy tipper: most often 10-15% (never higher unless it was extremely good service, which is rare). I was always embarrassed by it, and we'd often get into fights and "power struggles" about it. If I left a dollar or two on the sly and he found out he'd give me the silent treatment for a whole day. Anyways, we were out to eat the last night and he left a very nice tip (25%) even though the service wasn't even stellar. And it made me think about how over the last month or so he's been getting a lot more "generous" with tipping and everything related to money. We give more at the church. He even gave me spending cash the other day (totally uncommon). He also said he's setting aside a couple thousand for more fertility treatments (something we had also disagreed about). I really have no idea why he's suddenly changed, but I'd like to think God is working miracles in his life and/or that all my kind urging to be generous has rubbed off on him.

So, the question is: Should I say something about it and praise him? Or do I just ignore it and smile inside? I don't want to "jinx" it, IYKWIM. I'm so happy he's changed that I'd hate to ruin it by making him feel like I "controlled" him or that he gave in to me. I want him to recognize how good it is, but I don't want to rub it in and say, "See, I told you you'd like being generous more and that we'd get along better!"

Anyone BTDT with something similar? If anyone has seen the credit card commercial about the guy who saves all his life and he finally gets to the concession stand at the movie theater and "generously" orders a medium popcorn instead of a small (but no drink)...THAT is my husband!

TIA

Larissa

[kedss]

I don't think I would say anything, I would just appreciate the growth! :)

[bunnisa]

If it's obvious he's making an effort, then yes, praise away! We all want our efforts appreciated and acknowledged! It may encourage him further.

I just want to say that isn't it most awesome feeling to see our DHs try to make us happy, even in the little ways? It makes me feel so cherished.

Bethany
mom to one and one on the way!
http://lilypie.com/days/060226/0/8/1/-6/.png
"And children are always a good thing, devoutly to be wished for and fiercely to be fought for."
-J. Torres

[mommy_someday]

Larissa, I think our DHs were separated at birth, LOL! Mine hated to leave ANY tip at all for the longest time! We got into such nasty arguments about it. Finally, he started reading self-improvement books (ex: "How to Win Friends and Influence People") and stopped fighting me about it. I remember we went to Steak N Shake one evening before DS was born and I kept saying how great our waitress was - really friendly, prompt, good memory but not in our faces every two minutes. DH left her what must have been 30%!!! I couldn't believe it!

I *did* say something because I was so proud of him for making such a major change (money is a very big deal for him). I just told him that his newfound generosity had not gone unnoticed and that I really thought it was a great thing. He felt good about tipping the waitress so much, almost proud of himself, so by saying something about it to him, I gave him the opportunity to voice those feelings.

I'm thankful that DH isn't always so generous, but at least now when we have great service, the waitstaff knows. :)

[bostonsmama]

Erica, thank you for cracking me up! I totally do/did the same thing as you! Like, "Wow, honey, this waiter brought us our food so fast," or "Man, she's so good about keeping our water glass full," or "Isn't she so funny? It's nice to have *such* good service for a change!"

I, too, am grateful that he's frugal because we have so much more (in savings and possessions) than is typical of our age cohort precisely b/c we save on and limit frivolous expenditures, but I'm just so happy now that I don't have to be embarrassed about going out to eat anymore and I want it to never end.

Thanks...I'm still deciding how I'm going to bring it up.

Larissa

[Vajrastorm]

I think it depends on the person. I know my husband LOVES it when I notice he's done something difficult or out of character. I don't make a big deal of it, but a simple "I noticed X and I wanted to say thank you" goes a long way in my house. I think of it as appreciation rather than praise.

If your husband would feel controlled by that sort of statement, then the best thing would be to say nothing and give some extra hugs and kisses. There are many ways to show appreciation. :)

[DebbieJ]

If he's anything like my husband, he wants to know when he's doing something right in my eyes. So I'd mention it.

~ deb
DS born at home 12/03
Breastfed for 20 months and 6 days

http://www.bfar.org/members/fora/style_avatars/Ribbons/18months-bfar.jpg

[saschalicks]

Larissa,
In instances like this I always ask myself how would I want DH to treat it if it were me. Would you want to be praised? Would you want to be "noticed"? If yes, then do it. I think that a very simple comment like "you know that generosity comes back to those that give, I'm so glad to see you are thinking about it." Not exactly that but you know.

When DH's g-father passed on DH inherited some money. We decided to donate some to a good cause. I just was always taught when you get you must give otherwise the universe isn't right. Maybe, DH has realized that he's lucky to have and maybe if he gave more he'd get more. Does that make sense? In no way do I think frugality is a bad thing. As a matter of fact I wish both DH & I could be more like that.

On another note: I'm happy DH is changing, b/c in the end personal change is always a good thing. :)

[californiagirl]

I've always heard it said that good praise looks like good complaints: When you -----, I feel ------- because ------- . Or "I noticed you did <specific thing>. That <has the following good result>."

[psophia17]

I'm dealing with a totally opposite behavior with DH - he spends money like it's water, and it drives me nuts. And he never, ever tips less than 25% unless it is crazy bad service in restaurants...I'm learning to be a better tipper through him, and he's getting better at talking himself out of wasteful purchases (except at Home Depot - can't contain him there).

Anyhow - I wouldn't say anything. With DH, he knows that my not commenting or giving him looks means he's done well, while when I mention it he gets his hackles up that I'm watching him all the time. Same thing goes for me - if he questions me every time I leave a tip it pisses me off, I'd rather he not say anything at all.

Although I still refuse to give the pizza guy more than $3 a pop...

[g-mama]

Petra - my dh is the same as yours. He gives very generous tips and I've learned to stop questioning it. He typically gives 25-30% at restaurants. When we take the boys to Cartoon Cuts for a haircut, the cut is $14.99 each. He usually tips $5 for one child, $10 for two. Yikes! I do like the lady who usually cuts their hair, but boy, she must love when she sees us coming through the door!



Kristen
Paolo 11-00
Benjamin 8-03
and a *THIRD BOY* coming in December '05

[tarabenet]

I think everyone likes their efforts to be noticed and appreciated. But I'd be careful that my appreciation was in no way "praise" like from a parent to a child, but "thank you" as between partners, equals.

DH uses appreicative comments to motivate his DDs, employees, and even me. It works miracles, where arguments, lectures, advice or nagging might not accomplish much. I am usually aware when I am being "appreciated into" certain behavior (like cleaning the kitchen immediately after dinner!), but somehow he does it so that I don't feel manipulated.

Benet

[mommy_someday]

Maybe just wait until the next time he tips someone well to bring it up...? That might be the easiest way to do it.

LOL about your dialogue. Sounds exactly like what I say to DH. The funniest thing about my DH is that he doesn't like to tip and he watches the papers for sales at the grocery stores, but he buys books like they're all going out of print next week. The man loves books. He actually has a t-shirt with a quote from Erasmus...something like, "When I get a little money, I buy books. If there is any left over, I buy clothes and food."

Sigh. Gotta love our quirky DHs, huh? :)

[NEVE three BUGS and a BEE]

Larissa this does not apply to you as much since I think you are younger and I know childless (though that will change) and I don't know how long married or not but assume a few years for I remeber your wedding picture in your avatar.

But as you get older, add more children, been married longer you forget to give the kudos and praise to your spouse and sometimes it even gets harder.

My advice is to give praise to your spouse whenever you see an opportunity. I also say that with kiddos.
Please don't think I necessarily follow that (with kiddos I think I do often) but with hubby I certainly don't do it as much as I could and should.

I guess I think if you see a chance (and you obviously do) to stroke a hubby then do so!!!! You will be glad you set up such a foundation before the adding of kiddos, the pounds, the bigger car payments, the bigger house payments.

Just like smiling is contagious so is praising eachother.

Long winded...but yes praise him when it crosses your mind to do so, is my advice!!!!!!

[Lynnie]

I would probably say something about it when it happened again, or when he brought up the topic of the $$ for fertility treatments, and say something then. To me, then it would look more like what it is - true appreciation, and you are showing him that you are noticing, and are appreciative, and it would be less likely (IMO) that he would misinterpret it as you exercising your control over him or anything. You could then just reiterate how happy it makes you, thank him, and then if he wants to get into a deeper discussion about it, he can, or he can just feel proud of himself for "doing the right thing" (not that being frugal is bad... i hope you understand what I mean) and making his wonderful wife happy.

Or, if you are having a moment when you feel especially close to him, and are having a good heart to heart talk, you could bring it up then, and just let him know that you noticed, and that its so sweet of him, makes you happy, etc. But I would just want it to be the right moment, so he couldn't feel you were doing the told you so thing - cause if there have been little power struggles before, that kind of thing could happen, as you recognize from your question !

Glad he's being so great !